Making myself sick....
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Old 02-13-2012, 05:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Making myself sick....

I've lost respect, passion and trust in my husband. We have spent 15 years together with 10 years of marriage and 3 great kids. He spends most of his time blaming others for the problems in his life. Mainly me. He would gladly go through life floating through it not making a wave. I however, am the complete opposite of him. I am full of passion and question. I stand up for what I want and he lays down. I protect my own, he cracks a joke about it. He is not good in the sack yet tells me its my fault(and has gotten worse sense "we talked about it". I've lost respect because I realize he brings nothing to my life. I can do what ever he can, and better in most cases. I've lost trust because he lacks knowledge to complete anything in a competent manor. Simple things seem so hard for him to complete. He is clingy and possessive in a child like manor. The problem is....He is a good guy and is trying to "man Up". I'm making myself sick about this because it seems the only emotion he can get from me is anger and he doesn't deserve that for simply being who he is. I feel like he is my 4th child. I'm a good looking woman in my 30's. My prime and I feel like I'm wasting my time with a man who doesn't know who he is. I know this post seems harsh...but I have a lot of years of things running through my head...I once loved his boyish tendency. Now they are sickening to me. I desperately want a man in my life. But also want a long fulfilling marriage. I may be able to get a long marriage ... but I will not be fulfilling. He tries to touch me and I cringe. We have sex and it go's poorly and he breaks down. He begs me to give him more chances...I do and he screws up then breaks down... I am avoiding sex and any other type of affection to avoid his break down. The last thing I want is him feeling like ****.
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Old 02-13-2012, 05:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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And yes, we are in counseling...He just regurgitates the stuff I said to him during the week at the session. Poor guy is so lost.
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Making myself sick....

You sound very demeaning for a wife who has been married for 10 years and has 3 kids with this "poor guy".

Stop having no respect for your husband. He is man enough to father 3 children with u and put up with your bossy attitude for 15 years.

you have played a big part in allowing his self confidence to be crushed the point of him crying in bed.

Help him find his confidence and Alphaness. Its your job as a wife to help him. Are u "good enough" to do that for this "poor guy"?
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Making myself sick....

Do you work full time outside the home? If so what part of the family income do you bring in?

What are your plans for ending this marriage?
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by synthetic View Post
You sound very demeaning for a wife who has been married for 10 years and has 3 kids with this "poor guy".

Stop having no respect for your husband. He is man enough to father 3 children with u and put up with your bossy attitude for 15 years.

you have played a big part in allowing his self confidence to be crushed the point of him crying in bed.

Help him find his confidence and Alphaness. Its your job as a wife to help him. Are u "good enough" to do that for this "poor guy"?
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^^^ I saw this coming...and I deserve it. I have to admit in the mind frame I was in last night as I wrote this, I am not proud of how the words left my fingers. I'm extremity bitter because I feel that I have been helping him find his confidence through out our whole relationship. I was not born a *****, I was made one. I would make pancakes for him and he laughs at their size. Poking and poking at my little quarks to the point where I no longer make pancakes. I make his lunch, he pokes at how there TOO much food...pokes and pokes. He makes his own lunch now. We have sex and I guide him toward what makes me feel good, and he does it his own way anyhow with a quick ending. Try feeling like a piece of meat for 15 years before you cast judgement on me. I have been soft in my approach...so kind and suggestive about this stuff for so long. I am exhausted. I don't want to be this person I have become. I can't keep trying the same methods to get through to him expecting a different result. So I've changed my method. I've become his mother.
I never said he was not a great man or great father. But, he never learned how to be a husband in his VERY Catholic up bringing.

Before you all cast judgement on me like the rest of the world...Understand we have gone through so much as a married couple...we have gotten through major job loss, home, repo'ed cars, medical issues. We were strong through it all. The hard realization is that WE were not doing it together. I was doing it with him next to me poking at everything but never making a move himself. We appear to be the couple that everyone wants to be like. Seriously...But what happens behind close doors is a different world.

I didn't come on to this site to get yelled at by some person who has no clue other that what a rambling crying woman is writing in a moment of anger. I would suggest that you ask more questions before you come up with your conclusions. How do you sum 15 years of relationship in a paragraph? How do you judge 15 years of relationship based on one paragraph?

I don't wish for the marriage to end. I never wanted that... I don't know any other option at this point.

I don't see the relevance of what % of income I bring into the home. I bring in enough to manage and when my son who is 5 go's to school...I will be bringing in more. I've worked part time (a few years at full time) as my children have been growing.
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Old 02-14-2012, 09:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Making myself sick....

I could never tell him that he is amazing...enough times to build his confidence. I have 3 kids I need to build up now. I don't have energy to focus on him anymore.
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Trying180,

Your story is my story, and I know how frustrating living with someone like this can be; how demeaning their treatment of you is -- OMG, the feeling like a piece of meat comment below brought tears to my eyes, because I have felt that way for YEARS; and how you don't even recognize the woman you've become after years of living with them.

I'm going through the same thing, and could have written your post nearly word-for-word. In fact, I think one of my earliest posts summarizes a nearly identical situation with my husband. Having gone through the same thing and knowing firsthand how miserable it is, please don't feel like you have to apologize to anyone who hasn't walked in your shoes. I've found that it's nearly impossible for anyone else to understand what it's like to live like this. The only person who seems to get it is my counselor.

To outsiders, it seems so easy: Spend some time building them up, show them respect, and everything will be great. If only it worked like that. Like you, it doesn't matter how much I build him up -- either he works twice as hard at tearing me down, or he is a bottomless pit, needing more and more praise, to the point where no one could fill him up. I think in my post I mentioned that even my kids have suggested getting him an iPhone 4S with Siri inside, so she can tell him over and over how wonderful he is, because we're sick of doing it.

I understand what synthetic is saying, that as wives we have an "obligation" to build our husbands up....but it's just too hard to do that on a consistent basis when we're knocked down at every turn. It's definitely too hard to do it once resentment and bitterness have set in. And I maintain that it's not my job solely to build him up; he also has a responsibility to reciprocate if the marriage is to be successful.

When I read your line below, "I just don't have the energy to focus on him anymore," I could feel where you are, because it gets to the point where it IS exhausting. You just don't have it in you anymore to keep giving and giving of yourself, to get little or nothing in return, except pleas for more and more.

You mention counseling. Are you guys going together, or are you seeing someone on your own, also? I have found that having someone to talk to about how this is affecting me, without worrying about him jumping in with why I'm wrong, has been a lifesaver. It's crazy how much this has affected me and how good it feels to get some of it off my chest with someone who understands.

Like you, I've chosen to begin focusing on myself and my children -- the ones I can save. It's been much more productive for me, and it has helped my children immensely.

You say you don't want the marriage to end...but are you really willing to live like this forever, settling for someone who doesn't make you happy? I realize I'm speaking out of turn here because I haven't divorced mine yet, but it's something to think about.

Our MC has opined that my husband suffers from a case of arrested development and simply isn't willing to do the hard recovery work to make the changes I feel it will take to make this marriage worth it for me over the long term without some changes on his part. She also made it very clear to both of us that what he is doing is abuse. Until that day, I had never considered it a form of abuse, because there were no bruises. That was an eye-opener.

Even so, she has asked me to make a 90-day commitment to see if anything at all improves now that we're in counseling and all of the issues are on the table. She has told him that his days of skating through this marriage without any effort are over; that it's time for him to put his money where his mouth is and begin making changes, rather than just talking about them.

To help in that regard, she is seeing him individually to start addressing some of his issues. At home, I am trying to help him, too. I have specifically written out what it is I and the kids need from him so there is no guessing needed. I bought him a copy of Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S and the No More Mr. Nice Guy book (this one admittedly made things WAY worse; he wasn't mature enough to grasp the content the way it was intended and thought the book was telling him it was okay to be a d!ck). I've found him an older male role model -- he had no father growing up. I'm doing everything I can to help him, but have made it clear I can't do the work for him.

We're about six weeks in and things aren't getting much better, yet. However, when the 90th day comes, I can throw in the towel knowing I did everything I could to make this marriage work, to help him find his way to being a better husband and father. If it turns out that he didn't do anything to help fix this marriage, that's a choice he made. I can't make him want to fix it, but I can say "enough" and walk away to regain my sanity and help my kids begin to heal.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I want you to know that I feel for you and your kids and know exactly what you're going through. I wish, though, I was posting to say there is an easy fix to this mess....there just isn't. Keep your head up, keep focusing on yourself and the kids, and keep praying that he figures it out; help him where you can without giving too much of yourself. You will know when you've reached your breaking point, if you haven't already.
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Old 02-14-2012, 11:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you for your comment. We are definitely not alone in our story. Unfortunately because I am a strong woman I have attracted a needy man. (looking back I've done it previously also.) Where he needs/wants to spend every moment with me, I struggle for time alone. Perhaps this happened because of having kids. He gives me time alone a few hours, but expects Aphrodite when he returns. Its just not like that. In the past I worked real hard at not loosing myself...little by little the neediness of everyone surrounding me has whittled me down. I woke up one day and was applaud at what I had aloud my children and husband to do to me. So I'm fighting back now...I demand to be pleasured. I demand to be treated with respect and my talents be acknowledged. The hard part is when you demand it and he can't deliver... Its killing him and I. I would be fine if we both just came to an understanding that out marriage will be sexless. I can live with that. what I can't live with is a man who literally begs for it showering me with how all he wants is to please me... So I give in and he's done on the first pump...then cries. 1) I feel like meat 2) he feels like a failure 3) it is a complete turn off for a woman to be begged and or have him cry due to poor performance. ....GAAAAhhhhh... Then their is the selfishness I feel. The way I beat myself up because of how HE feels. But you see...that is how he has controlled me all along. I tell him we are having problems in the bed room, he loses 20 lbs...legs shake "uncontrollably" when we discuss separation. Hes shoulders sag and he rubs his hands like a beaten man. I didn't do this to him...I'm just noticing it now. And I hate it. Oooh god. Why does this have to be so difficult. I don't feel like I'm asking to much. I'm just asking him to love himself so I don't have to prove that I love him all the time.
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Old 02-14-2012, 11:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Before you all cast judgement on me like the rest of the world...Understand we have gone through so much as a married couple...we have gotten through major job loss, home, repo'ed cars, medical issues. We were strong through it all. The hard realization is that WE were not doing it together. I was doing it with him next to me poking at everything but never making a move himself. We appear to be the couple that everyone wants to be like. Seriously...But what happens behind close doors is a different world.

I didn't come on to this site to get yelled at by some person who has no clue other that what a rambling crying woman is writing in a moment of anger. I would suggest that you ask more questions before you come up with your conclusions. How do you sum 15 years of relationship in a paragraph? How do you judge 15 years of relationship based on one paragraph?
Huh?!!

You admit having chosen the wrong words to express yourself and say "I deserve it", then you question my response?!! Do you think your post was disrespectful or not? If you do, then don't pick a fight with me

I still have a hard time understanding how you easily take credit for every hardship that you as a couple (you called it "we") have gone through without giving him anything at all. I'm not saying he's faultless, but your attitude in seeking help here leaves big question marks.

There is no way in hell anyone with a hint of logic is going to accept that you've been single-handedly carrying this marriage on your shoulders for 10 years. It makes no sense specially when the biggest complain you have about your husband is him "poking" at things you do!

Your husband has been suffering from insecurities for a long time and I wouldn't be surprised if you've exploited those insecurities to gain the upper hand in the marriage. That's what I get from all the words you've typed in this thread. If I'm wrong, I apologize.

I don't think you're asking for too much. Your husband needs to wake up and indeed love himself enough to not allow anyone (including you) to crush his confidence.

Quote:
I'm just asking him to love himself so I don't have to prove that I love him all the time.
Regardless of whether he loves himself or not, as a wife you are expected to prove to him that you love him all the time. That's marriage.
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Old 02-14-2012, 11:46 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Is his insecurity my problem? I'm his wife not his mother.

I've read some of your other post and comments Synthetic... I'm here to vent and if I'm lucky gain a little understanding. What I see you doing is taking your bitterness out on other people. I see you picking a fight with me. From word one you've been sharp and judgmental. You don't like what I write...then quit reading it. I could get into ever instance and explain how he mishandles things in witch causes my mistrust and lack of respect. Or I can just assume I struck a nerve with you and your looking to poor more hurt on me. Either way your advice is given with a grain of salt, and taken with one.

I've let the nice guy own me for far too long. He is manipulative in ways it took me 15 years to see. As far as my big complaints...you obviously have not been reading my post fully. Maybe if he manned up and stopped being an emotional vampire I would be able to respect him. He must love himself to be able to love me. If he loved himself he would not rely on signs from me that he has value. He comes from a mentally ill mother and an extremest Catholic family. I was a breath of fresh air. So he hooked on. As life went on he started using the guilt method to control me. and I let him. I'm awake now...yeah and Momma bear is a little pissed.
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Your husband has been suffering from insecurities for a long time and I wouldn't be surprised if you've exploited those insecurities to gain the upper hand in the marriage. That's what I get from all the words you've typed in this thread. If I'm wrong, I apologize.

I don't think you're asking for too much. Your husband needs to wake up and indeed love himself enough to not allow anyone (including you) to crush his confidence.


I realize I'm kind of thread-jacking here, but because my situation is so similar to the OP's, synthetic, I'm wondering how you would suggest we fix it, which I think is the spirit of these posts.

I'm big enough to admit that I have in fact exploited some of my husband's insecurities over the years. I'm not so sure that in doing so I have gained the upper hand in the relationship that you speak of, because I don't feel like I have the upper anything. I'm not sure why I did it, exactly, since there wasn't really any benefit to me in doing so. This is one of the things I am working on in counseling. Did I do it because in doing so it allowed me to feel like I was evening the playing field after being kicked again, or was there some benefit I haven't yet been able to identify? I don't have an answer yet; I only know that by being aware, I don't engage in the behavior anymore.

As far as insecure men needing to wake up and begin to love themselves and rebuild their confidence, how does that happen? What is the process for making that happen? Like I said in my reply, I have purchased my husband the NUTS book and NMMNG book, have supported him during his recovery work in counseling, have encouraged him to go out more with his guy friends and engage in guy activities. I have taken to praising him more when he does something right and not being so critical of things he doesn't get quite right. But you know what? He hasn't done a damn thing for himself except continue to blame me that things aren't the way he would like for them to be.

What is the answer here? I don't think any of us wives want to be with needy, insecure men. In fact, I'm partly responsible for not recognizing -- or admitting -- some of these issues long before now. We are all crying out that we want to improve our marriages, and most of us women are doing what we can to make that happen, but we have partners who aren't willing to meet us in the middle. What is the answer, then? I can be his biggest cheerleader all day long, just like Trying180, but until HE does something for HIMSELF and becomes open to working on himself, what more can we do?

I'm really not trying to be argumentative here. I'm looking for the solution to fix this problem, just as Trying 180 is. What do us wives need to do? What do our husbands need to do?
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Nomoretogive...You are far better with controlling the words and emotions then I am in your posts. Like you, I'm not here to argue or defend the type of person I am. everything you've said above is 100% where My husband and I are. I am a strong willed woman...I've had to debate him in so many situations because is was wrong, Nave, ignorant. Much like his parents. I followed his financial decisions down the crapper because I didn't debate or question my husband. Well, sorry people just because he has a penis doesn't make him better or smarter than me. I've tried to work with him...we can't! It takes to much effort to explain every detail to a man who can comprehend what I'm saying, So frustrating. I wish he had a hobby that he did all on his own so I could see him excelling in something that I had no interest in. Instead he clings onto what I do and tries to compete with me. I join a softball league...he joins the year later. I join the YMCA, he joins. I want a garden, he wants input. I read a book, he starts reading the book. I want to go out with the girls, I get guilt-ed because he can't go, or doesn't go out. I urge him to do things...then he want me to tell him what. Help Men...tell us. Do you want mothers, or do you want wives?
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Nomoretogive...You are far better with controlling the words and emotions then I am in your posts. Like you, I'm not here to argue or defend the type of person I am. everything you've said above is 100% where My husband and I are. I am a strong willed woman...I've had to debate him in so many situations because He was wrong, Nave, ignorant and may have cost us more that a gold "I win" star. He is much like his parents. I followed his financial decisions down the crapper because I didn't debate or question my husband. Well, sorry people.. just because he has a penis doesn't make him better or smarter than me. I've tried to work with him...we can't! It takes to much effort to explain every detail to a man who can comprehend what I'm saying, So frustrating. I wish he had a hobby that he did all on his own so I could see him excelling in something that I had no interest in. Instead he clings onto what I do and tries to compete with me. I join a softball league...he joins the year later. I join the YMCA, he joins. I want a garden, he wants input. I read a book, he starts reading the book. I want to go out with the girls, I get guilt-ed because he can't go, or doesn't go out. I urge him to do things...then he wants me to tell him what. Help Men...tell us. Do you want mothers, or do you want wives?
I keep getting told to focus on his good quality's. Why is that so hard for me. Because they don't involve me at all? He gives all his goodness to other people and I get left with the scraps?
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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My dear Nomoretogive,

What you have done is exemplary. I admire your courage to admit your exploitation of your husband's insecurities and having the resolve to be "aware" so that you "don't engage in the behavior anymore". That's simply outstanding. It means you've grown into a better human being than you previously were. If your marriage ends in divorce, this will be one of the biggest things you take with you: Your growth as a human being.

As for your husband not doing the right thing to address his insecurities, well, you're right. You can't force him to do anything except ONE THING:

You can tell him exactly how you feel in a firm, calm and conclusive tone. If you can't say it to his face, you can always write him a letter.

Once you get that off your chest, make sure he got the message. You have now forced him out of his comfort zone into the anxiety of not being sure about the fate of your marriage. I believe that will kick him into the next gear fairly quickly.

If you have to distance yourself from him, then do so, but don't have an affair and don't check-out of the marriage before giving him a fair amount of time.

I wish you luck and happiness.
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Old 02-14-2012, 01:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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My dear Nomoretogive,

What you have done is exemplary. I admire your courage to admit your exploitation of your husband's insecurities and having the resolve to be "aware" so that you "don't engage in the behavior anymore". That's simply outstanding. It means you've grown into a better human being than you previously were. If your marriage ends in divorce, this will be one of the biggest things you take with you: Your growth as a human being.

As for your husband not doing the right thing to address his insecurities, well, you're right. You can't force him to do anything except ONE THING:

You can tell him exactly how you feel in a firm, calm and conclusive tone. If you can't say it to his face, you can always write him a letter.

Once you get that off your chest, make sure he got the message. You have now forced him out of his comfort zone into the anxiety of not being sure about the fate of your marriage. I believe that will kick him into the next gear fairly quickly.

If you have to distance yourself from him, then do so, but don't have an affair and don't check-out of the marriage before giving him a fair amount of time.

I wish you luck and happiness.
Synthetic, thanks for coming back and commenting to let me know what is needed....but what if I've already done that? I did the talk, I have written the letters. I have given him "space" when he needs it -- aka he leaves in a huff and refuses to take my calls for weeks on end, refuses to see/speak to our children. I have let him back home after he swears that he understands what the problems are and that he is taking steps to fix them....until next time when it all happens again.

I had to chuckle when you said that forcing him out of his comfort zone should be enough to kick him into gear. You would think, huh? My husband is one of those men who walks out the door, forgets we exist -- by going dark, getting a new phone, refusing to tell us where he is -- and then comes back when he's damn good and ready, and not a minute before. He is impossible to the nth degree.

My husband spends a lot of time talking about what the problems are -- and boy, can he talk for hours about this -- but spends zero time actually doing something to fix it. One of the common things I tell him is that he has excuses for why things can't work out long-term but never seems to have any solutions for trying to make things better. He is perfectly content blaming me for everything, walking out when he has a fit about this or that, and then groveling to come home and repeat the cycle.

My kids and I are sick of the cycle. We love him, but it's getting to the point where he just is not healthy for any of us. My kids are in counseling dealing with the feeling of being abandoned multiple times, trying to reconcile the fact that they both love and hate their father at the same time. At the same time, though, he doesn't realize that for all the hell he has put us through, we've still got his back and are invested in HIM to get to a better US -- as in our marriage and our family.

Again, I fully admit that I am likely the cause of some of his insecurities and have exploited some of them over the years. However, in looking back and through counseling, a lot of them existed long before I ever came along. I was just too busy, too naive, too young, too stupid to see it until I did my own recovery work and figured out how dysfunctional our relationship is.

So even given all he has put us all through, I've pulled myself up by my boot straps, intent on honoring my vows, and have done everything in my power to build this man up, and it just isn't producing any results. He will take until the cows come home, but he refuses to give even an inch. He is mired in negativity, content to be a "victim" the rest of his life. How do you work with that? It's getting to the point where it's difficult to approach each day with him from a positive standpoint, to continue our MC's advice of doing once nice thing every day when I'm not getting anything in return and without being bitter and resentful.

I'm Catholic and so I have religious opposition to divorce -- and infidelity for that matter, so affairs are out for me -- although, to be honest, the thought has crossed my mind, to feel loved even for just a few minutes. Morally, though, I would never act on it. Instead, I've allowed it to be a motivator to try to get that in my own marriage.

It may be like someone else said in another thread -- I'm doing all the right things but with the wrong partner. Maybe it really can be explained that easily. I own my part in his insecurity issues, but it's high time he own his and start doing something about it.
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Sick & tired of being sick & tired - verbal abuse & anger issues AL8 Considering Divorce or Separation 5 01-04-2013 03:16 PM
my wife is making me sick, literally snm General Relationship Discussion 2 08-18-2011 05:58 PM
so sick of being sick preso The Ladies' Lounge 6 05-17-2009 01:38 PM
I'm sick of him. isettled The Ladies' Lounge 2 05-01-2009 04:45 PM

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