Struggling4ever

Well I have not posted for 11 days, time for an update. I finally went in for IC on Tuesday night and it went pretty well. It was supposed to be an initial 50 minute free consultation, but I was her last appointment and I got there at 7:30 pm (it was supposed to be 7 pm , but I got lost as it was out of my area, I made a wrong turn and was 30 minutes late!) I called, she waited for me and we talked until 9:45! I obviously had a lot to let out! I kept saying if you need me to leave it's ok, and she said no it's fine you are my last appointment and you were more than patient waiting to schedule and you drove so far (25-30 minutes)...it's fine. I ended up telling her that although it was a free initial consultation, I wanted to pay for 1 session as I was there so long. She said well thank you, and I said I've been self-employed, all you have to sell is your knowledge and your time so it's ok...so I feel it went well and I go back next Tuesday.

One thing I asked her was why this was so fresh now after all these years? I said on the way driving out I was thinking I wished I had come a while ago when the pain and anger was more fresh. On the way up I seriously felt ok? Well as soon as I started talking about it, my voice trembled, my eyes welled up, and I wasn't ok at all. She said let it out it's been in there a long time! Her answer to my question was that the brain is very complex and it often buries traumatic memories or events sometimes forever, and sometimes just until a time when we are more capable of dealing with things. She said you have probably matured and grown a lot during these years, events happened that led up to all this and now it's finally coming out and that's good. That made perfect sense to me? Kind of like when my daughter was in a bad car accident and remembered before the accident, and the ride to the hospital, but everything during the accident was gone...same with my son who suffered temporary amnesia after a bicycle accident so yes, the brain is a complex thing for sure. Anyway, I got out most of my story as well as how I have been passive-aggressive since being a child and dealing with the affair this time around is the first time I have been assertive and have stood up for myself pretty much ever. I told her of this forum and she was glad to know I was on here and said it is healthy to find I'm not alone...although I am somewhat alone in my extended delayed reaction to finally admitting to how this has affected me and changed who I am!

After the session my wife wanted to know how it went and I was somewhat vague....I have been and I have tried to keep distance without being an ass. The last time we went dancing (basically her line dancing and me having a beer talking with a few people and maybe getting out there for a few), I bought her, myself, and 2 girls (regulars that she dances with) a beer. It started because someone mentioned a Blue Moon with an orange slice, one girl said I don't know if I'd like that, the other said oh they are very good! I said if you want to try it I will buy the first round. I included myself, both girls, and my wife....Although this is somewhat common and friends are always buying a round for others (including us)...because 1 of the girls is somewhat attractive and therefore threatening to my wife...I could tell she was upset. Again, the old me would have said I'm sorry or I won't do it again, or maybe not even do it in the first place? But I knew I was doing nothing wrong so I wasn't gonna let it bother me. She didn't say anything to me, but she wrote her thoughts out on a paper and left it where I would see it talking about how she was not happy about me buying drinks for other girls? Again, we as well as others have bought drinks before, it wasn't that I did it, it was that she felt threatened... I get it, but the rules only changed, not because I did it, but because of who it was. Yet she talks to this girl, hugs her, acts friendly with her and I'm not supposed to say hi? After it came out that she was upset, I finally said I will no longer go there unless you give me a list of who I can talk to and who I can't. I said I have been standing there talking with 1 of your friends before and you walk away to dance or go outside and have come back in and you've gotten mad 2 other times before over 2 other girls (all her friends), but then other times you're fine? I don't get it but it is not fun for me to stand there by myseld drinking a beer watching everyone have fun and actually have people ask me "are you ok?" or "you could at least smile", so I will stay home as I know that is your fun and I don't want to ruin it. She says no that's not what I want and I need to learn from my insecurities. I tell her I am still tired of not being trusted after giving her trust....I have a pretty good track record! She is on her way home to talk but I will continue this later...and trust me...the insanity continues, and yes...still sleeping in an adjacent room and she is not happy about that either!

bandit.45

Its amazing how she was able to completely disengage her empathy for you when she was repeatedly having sex with your friend, and now that you are doing a 180 on her she all of a sudden has to have you under her thumb when you are around other women, even ones she knows?

Striking how selfish and how little self esteem your wife has. Why you are sticking around is beyond me. When are you going to get your own place?

Struggling4ever

Ok...well after the above night I said I will no longer go there... I stopped in again last Wednesday (that's a night all her/our friends are there with free lessons and no cover). I was just having a drink that a friend (guy) bought me and planned on staying for an hour or so. My wife was dancing having a good time and I decided to do a walk around the bar to see if any friends that I knew might be there. My older son has many friends that go to this place as well and they often like to say hi. As I walk around the corner I see the woman (one of them anyway) that apparently my wife feels threatened by. I said hi and said I haven't been here in awhile, the last time was a week and a half ago when we had the Blue Moons...she said yeah I've been working a lot that was the last time I was here too. I said well have a good night, and I proceeded to walk around the outer perimeter of the dance floor and eventually made my way back where I started. I had 1 more drink and went home. Nothing more was said that night...

A couple nights later I had shown my wife and son a new software update on their phones and they started the update. I was playing guitar in the living room and also checking my phone and my wife was having problems with the download for her update and was mumbling about it and I stopped and went in to help. I then went back in to the living room and she was again having a problem. I actually started to get irritated and I yelled give me a minute, I'm checking my phone! The calm finally ended and she went off about me being on my phone and me enjoying my space, and me having my private life.etc, etc, etc... She actually was upset enough she said F you (which doesn't often happen) and I said it back and I retreated upstairs.

That night as I was getting ready for bed (in my room), she finally came in and unloaded on me...She said I was sneaking around and I'm a cheater as well, she called me a thief (because of a few items I bought home from work that were being discarded, as well as something that had been left there by my friend who had quit and moved away), she called me manipulative, a liar....and this went on and on! She also then brought up last Wednesday when we we were at the "dancehall/saloon" and she said I saw how you managed to sneak around the corner to talk to #@**#, I watched you! You thought cause I was dancing I wouldn't notice but you went around the corner, talked to her, and then walked around the entire bar thinking I wouldn't notice! I said, wow...you actually were watching me the entire time weren't you? I told her I did nothing wrong and that although she claims to not trust the "girls", in reality she doesn't trust me, because if she did they would be a non-issue! I tried to reason and she would say - that's right, you are mr. perfect who never does anything wrong, you have an answer for everything! I also tried to explain about the equipment and said I could have done all that behind her back too if I was trying to be sneaky or do something wrong, but no it was all in the open, we went together to a gathering of friends and I dropped it off...(we even took pictures) so again...I always thought everything was ok and now I find she was harboring resentment over that as well, and now I am a thief too?!!

Because of her verbal assault, I almost left again that night but I really have nowhere to go and right now we have no extra money! I stayed, she eventually went to sleep and we have been back to not saying much to each other. We started to talk yesterday but she actually started in about how she thought she was ok with the past situation with my friend from work who moved away over 6 months ago, but apparently she's not and was making all of our issues about me again! I said you are just not ok with me in general and it all comes down to you did me wrong big time...I forgave you and gave you trust, and you can't/don't trust me! I then re-enforced that I will not allow her to make our problems about me and what she believes I've done, this is about what happened in the past and I am finally dealing with it whether she can accept it or not... I had plans to go out on my own last night but a mutual friend stopped over to help my son with a "project bike" and we all just hung out at home and then to bed...alone. Today is a new day!

Struggling4ever

Thanks for your comments Bandit!
As of right now I am going to continue the IC, I am thinking I need to write up an "in house separation" agreement where we agree to move towards getting our financial problems taken care of, get projects done at home, and eventually sell the house. I think we should keep contact/talk to a minimum. I would include maybe a once a week get together for a coffee, drink, or lunch/dinner and discuss things. I feel we should both keep our space, and the one main rule would be if either of us has any type of contact with anyone else, we are honest about it and agree to move on...That would be a "deal breaker" for sure! I have a friend who has an extra room and has said it is mine if I want it...no charge. He is a friend I have helped out in the past and his house is paid for. I'm not crazy about his lifestyle but it would get me away for awhile. he was staying down south for the winter and he's coming back mid April....I'll see how things go until then. I'm hoping I can use all this for motivation to get moving on the things I need to get done here...so far, motivation has not worked.... it's hard to focus!

bandit.45

She's losing her control over you and it is driving her batty.

A month ago it seems she was all crying and weeping and wailing over what she had done. This was another way of her controlling you. Now she's getting vindictive.

The more you describe your wife and her escalating behavior, the darker an image I have of her.

In-house separations don't work. They just don't. Read up on all the threads on TAM regarding this.

If I were you I would take your friend's offer to use his room and move out for a while. The only downside is she would probably change the locks and file divorce due to abandonment. I could see your wife being nasty in a divorcee situation.

Struggling4ever

I agree on the in house separation advice, but my friend is not back for about 1 month so I will just try to keep my space as much as possible...like I've said, I need to use the time wisely and get productive on taking care of our home as well as financial issues. I can't help but feel bad for her...We/I is all she has know since she was 17 years old (except for the affair part)... and we have been through and survived a lot! I just feel after all of this, there are too many layers and this is too big. there are bad feelings and resentment from both sides and it will never all be released, especially by her as she holds grudges. I don't think she'd change the locks, my son lives here and he and I have a good relationship so I would be able to get in...but I believe you are right about one thing, I could see her getting vindictive and nasty at some point too.

Beowulf

I agree but I wouldn't leave the house. Let her rant. What she is doing is fitness testing (sh!t testing) you. Look it up and learn how to deal with it. All women do it and they'll do it a lot in an unstable relationship. If she accuses you of flirting just smile and say "whatever" or tell her "I can't help it if your friends flirt with me. I'm a good man and they know it." Then smile and walk away. Don't try to defend yourself. You have nothing to defend. She wants to get you defensive so you'll be on the defensive. You keep calm and cool. Exude confidence. Don't lose your temper. Treat her like you would a two year old child having a temper tantrum. Keep a VAR on you and save the recordings. What you are doing is having an obvious effect. Now you're seeing truth. Keep it in mind if you ever think of R.

Beowulf

She WILL change the locks. Count on it. From what you have described I doubt your relationship with your son will play into her thinking in the least.

Beowulf

Its not that she doesn't trust you. She knows she is losing you and her biggest fear is that you will end up with someone she knows. Its called pre-selection and its both a tool and a curse for women.

bandit.45

That's good advice. It turns her insecurities back on herself. Struggling should try this.

Struggling4ever

Pretty much how I've had to handle it. Yes I do try to explain myself, but when all else fails (and it does)...I just smile and say...I am not doing anything wrong and I'm no longer gonna worry about if you get pissed off or not I choose to be happy and enjoy my life...this is about me! I used to bow down to her anger and insecurities and I no longer do. I don't believe she knows how to deal with it?

Struggling4ever

No recorder, but I'm trying to journal. When we are inbetween these moments it would be so easy to fall right back into it and be where I was...she has 2 speeds, very sweet and agreeable, or pissed off and vindictive. The 2nd speed can get scary! For the most part we get along great and I can understand her confusion and anger, but it still comes down to Do I want to deal with the triggers forever, and is this how I want to spend the rest of my life...I've been on the fence for some crazy reason and she keeps pushing me over and then pulling me back...This is why I need some space for myself, so I can decide without influence what is best for me. I can't commit with anyone, unless I am all in 100%.
Thanks!

Beowulf

See that's just it. DON'T TRY TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

You have nothing to explain. That is exactly what a fitness test is. It's a test that has NO ANSWER. Therefore the only appropriate response is to NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION.

So:

I saw you flirting with that girl.

No I wasn't. She came up to me.

Bullsh!it, I saw you approach here.

No I didn't.

Becomes:

I saw you flirting with that girl.

Hey I can't help it if you married an attractive desirable man.

(Smile and walk away)


See, not on the defensive and you didn't answer the question because it had no answer.

Beowulf

I think I understand exactly where you're coming from. For 11 years you were repressing your emotions. Now its all bubbling to the surface and you wonder why you have been on the defensive for all these years when she is the one that was unfaithful. What you need to do is stop allowing yourself to be pushed and pulled at all. You stand strong and let the rest circle around you while you sort out your feelings. You are in control of yourself unless you relinquish that control. The triggers will get better in time but they'll always be there whether you stay married or not. You just need to decide whether you want to go through it with her or without her. And there is no rush. And if your wife seems impatient tell her you have 11 years to decide.

cledus_snow

you need to do a serious "exit, stage left" here. for your own sanity.

the fallout from her affair is becoming a reality for her.