Well...after 11 long years of triggers and mind movies, my fog has lifted! After spending too many hours reading everyone's stories as well as their responses to mine, my head is clearer than it has been in a long time.
I now realize that my wife's actions were inexcusable in having an ongoing PA with the man who I not only thought was my best friend, but someone who had become a close family friend as well. It was also wrong for me to not be honest with her and tell her about my triggers and bad memories and how this has all affected me and changed who I am.
We got bad advice from a MC who said I needed to take blame, and I know that I also shifted all of the rest of the blame to him for "manipulating her". This was how I survived and moved on. She didn't do this to me, it was him and my actions? I loved her and my family and was willing to do whatever to keep it together and show our friends as well as this OM POS that I won and we would be fine, maybe even better than b4?
I believe the events that transpired during the affair as well as the time leading up to D-day put me into shock and I was never allowed to deal with my anger. I went on a vacation with this X BF POS, I came home and bought her a new ring and apologized for not being more supportive of her, and I basically renewed my vows as I gave her the ring. At this time she could have chose to call it off. Instead she went away with him and 2 of her sisters on a cruise that he paid for, and she accepted more expensive jewelry, and I found out by calling the ship to send her flowers. He flew home from the next port and she called me crying and talked of not being able to face me and she thought about jumping ship. I had to deal with worrying about her, as well as my anger, hurt, shock, etc...for days before seeing her again!
Yes, we had problems in our marriage but she could have chose us....at any time during this horrid affair she could have called it off and chose us, but it only ended because they were caught!
So this is where I am. I have had 11 long years since then with many good times and memories. I'm thankful my kids were able to grow up and stay in our house. I'm thankful my Mom had me as well as my wife there for her until the day she died as my wife was a loving and caring daughter in law to her. But I am ashamed that I was not honest about my feelings and kept them hidden often hurting inside and lashing out in anger at her for what probably seemed like no reason.
We have had ongoing problems in the bedroom because pre D-day it was all about making her feel good and that made me feel good...Post D-day it has been a release and although she enjoys sex, I was just going through the motions trying to get through it and things often didn't work as well causing more triggers and self-esteem issues for me. She has always been good about it and understanding but I could see the disappointment in her eyes.
I am starting my own therapy next week but I really think I will need to move on and I am sad. At some point something died? Sure I've always said I trust her and I really don't believe she's done anything since...but I didn't know or think she would then so??? Since the fog lifted, I have figured out that I was probably in shock, and probably had/have post traumatic stress disorder.
I now realize I have been going through the motions and living life...but not truely happy and alive! Sure I've had some great times, but I have not felt happy for a long time, maybe even since b4 the affair and that probably contributed? It doesn't matter...late mid-life crisis (I'm 52), reality check, facing my own mortality...whatever, I need to be alone for awhile and find my happiness.
I feel bad and guilty but In have done for everyone else my entire life and I need time for me. I am hoping my wife can stay in the house (at least for now) and she says she will wait until I decide because she wants me to be happy but she chooses me. I wish she would have felt that way when the affair started...I owe this to myself! Updates to follow.....