Grown weary of trying to hold on ...
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 02-19-2012, 12:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Grown weary of trying to hold on ...

I'm a lurker and first time poster. I do not really know where to start so I will begin with introducing myself.

I'm man in my late 30's who have been married for about 15 years and we have a 8-year old daughter together. My wife is a good woman that I love and want the best for, but I do no longer believe that I can remain married to her. That realization is painful for me because I wish that I could fix our marriage but I have grown weary of trying when she isn't willing to meet me halfway.

The main issue is the lack of emotional support and affection. My wife lost interest in intimacy years ago and I am not just talking about sex but also simple things like cuddling on the coach in front of the TV. I'm a very 'touchy-feely' person that need physical contact, however slight, to feel emotional happiness. My wife, on the other hand, does not like to be held and are just as happy having no intimate contact with me.

To be frank, I'm married to a roommate not a wife. It's tearing me apart inside and, while I dearly love her, I can no longer see myself living in a relationship without physical affection and intimacy.
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grown weary of trying to hold on ...

My wife is aware of how I feel about the lack of intimacy. We have been to several marriage retreats to strengthen our relationship and we have done the 'the five love languages' thing. Her love language is 'act of service' while I'm off-the-chart on 'physical touch' and 'words of affirmation'. I'm trying to satisfy her love language but I don't feel that she have any true desire to satisfy mine.

She allows me to have sex with her when I ask for it, but I know that she is not into it. Its pretty much only 'get on top, do your business, and get off so I can sleep.' It leaves me empty inside and I have pretty much stopped asking her for it. The last couple of years we might have had sex every six month or so. What's the point of having sex if both not into it?

When talking about her about my dissatisfaction she blames her 'low libido' but she doesn't want to anything about it. The lack of sex is not a problem for her so she have no motivation to fix it. It also appears that she has no intention to suddenly become 'cuddly'. Last time we discussed it she said that she had never been a cuddly person and that she have never liked to be held, not even as a child. She apologized for not being a 'touch-feely' person and told me if I wanted somebody like that I better divorce her and find somebody else.

Last edited by MickeyD; 02-19-2012 at 12:30 PM.
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grown weary of trying to hold on ...

She has told you what to do. I would advise you to do it. She wont change. It may be hard on your daughter, but i still dont feel its right to stay in such a marriage.
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Old 02-19-2012, 01:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grown weary of trying to hold on ...

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She has told you what to do. I would advise you to do it. She wont change. It may be hard on your daughter, but i still dont feel its right to stay in such a marriage.
I do not think she will ever change or have a desire too. Last time we talked about our 'next home' she expressed a strong desire to have separate bedrooms so she can sleep alone. That's not something I would be looking forward to as I need to be touched to be happy. She on the other hand only gets annoyed. Quickest way to annoy her seems to have my foot touch her foot or leg. Instead of getting a smile or a "hi honey', I get a "you are touching me" or "you are on my side of the bed."

One thing that prevents me from filing for divorce is my sense of responsibility to care for her. She has some health issues and currently unemployed. I do not want to leave her in a difficult situation financially or emotionally. I want to best for her because I still have strong feelings for her.

I'm also deeply concerned about the impact it would have on our daughter. She suffers from early onset bipolar disorder (a mood disorder) that among other things causes depression and suicidal thoughts. She already have had one episode (tried to throw herself from a second story window) that resulted her being hospitalized at a juvenile mental ward for two weeks. My biggest fear is that she would blame herself for her parents separating/divorcing and do something stupid.
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Old 02-19-2012, 01:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grown weary of trying to hold on ...

We are currently geographically separated due to my job (since the New Year). I'm in the military and got orders to a military base on the other side of the country. She didn't want to leave our home and her friends so I ended up moving to my new assignment alone. She doesn't have any problems with that arrangement as she seems to prefer to live alone without me to annoy her.

Meanwhile I sit here and listen to my favorite country song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hCdI6TwUIc

Last edited by MickeyD; 02-19-2012 at 01:33 PM.
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Old 02-19-2012, 04:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grown weary of trying to hold on ...

We share very similar situation and posted the same day:
My sexual frustration and considering divorce.

I understand and empathize very well with these:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyD View Post
I'm man in my late 30's who have been married for about 15 years ... My wife is a good woman that I love and want the best for, but I do no longer believe that I can remain married to her. That realization is painful for me because I wish that I could fix our marriage but I have grown weary of trying when she isn't willing to meet me halfway.

The main issue is the lack of emotional support and affection. ...I am not just talking about sex but also simple things like cuddling...

I'm married to a roommate not a wife. It's tearing me apart inside and, while I dearly love her, I can no longer see myself living in a relationship without physical affection and intimacy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyD View Post
My wife is aware of how I feel about the lack of intimacy. ...[tried to]to strengthen our relationship... 'the five love languages' thing. Her love language is 'act of service' while I'm off-the-chart on 'physical touch' and 'words of affirmation'. I'm trying to satisfy her love language but I don't feel that she have any true desire to satisfy mine...

What's the point of having sex if both not into it?...

The lack of sex is not a problem for her so she have no motivation to fix it...
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Old 02-19-2012, 05:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grown weary of trying to hold on ...

It's sad when the person that you love doesn't reciprocate the feelings that you have for them. I am so much like you in the sense that I am touchy feely and I love to cuddle and hug and kiss and all that good stuff, and a lot of times when I go to hug my H when he gets home from work or is laying down watching tv, I am met with the response "I don't like when people get in my face and you should know that".

I like to have fun and be "stupid" or silly may be a better word, but that makes it sound so juvenile haha My H has no problem with wanting sex and is touchy feely when it's ok with him, but I don't know it's like when he is being touchy feely it's only for one reason whereas I am that way because I just love him and want to be near him, I want to feel a connection and a bond with him that I suppose we don't really have.

When they act like interacting with you in any way is a chore that just sucks and is such a huge blow to your self-esteem. I was always under the impression that 2 people got married because they brought out the best in each other, they loved each other's company, I guess I had a skewed view of reality.

I really hope that she is able to maybe see things from your p.o.v. in the future and you guys will be able to come to a happy medium. I know that your daughter has problems and a divorce could upset those problems, but you will just have to make sure that at that time you and your W are diligent in keeping an eye on her and keeping her safe and if you see any signs of emotional distress take her to the hospital or her doctor. You shouldn't have to live your life unhappy, with someone that does't love you, for any reason, life is too short....
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Old 02-19-2012, 07:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Grown weary of trying to hold on ...

My marriage went through this for many many years.

I did not want to divorce, I did not want to leave my child.

I had an affair.

You can read my other posts and stories.

If you are relatively new inot this, you likely think you will never have an affair, and I hope you don't, but I thought the same.

It is an unbearable existence, the rejection is tough, missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures is grueling. No sex is very difficult, never feeling connected, cuddling, touching, etc. it even harder. You need to apply pressure and do not relent, do not setlle for less, demand that she seek therapy or be willing to leave. You will probably need to make an ultimatum you stand behind.

An affair will not satisfy you. All my affair has shown me is that I am desirable, this is not common, and you don't have to accept it. Love, sex, intimacy are available and it comes naturally. There is no reason to subject yourself to a lifetime of misery.

Good luck.
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Old 02-19-2012, 08:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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ok I was just like your wife, I as a child never was hugged by my parents..it feels awkward even as an adult.. when my kids were little I'd hug and kiss them but as they got older felt weird. I went through some counseling..oh and also low libito all that sounds just like me...well the past few months have been hell for us and we separated. It was the best thing that ever happened because now I am hom and realize what I almost lost, found out that my husband really loves me and I do him..emotionally its so much better, cuddling even sex but I do reccomend marriage counseling..get to the bottom of it, get tough, maybe even separation..she may come around like I did and we've been married 20 yrs and going through this for many many years..pray, stand your ground yet never give up. Hope it gets better for you.
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Old 02-19-2012, 08:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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An affair will not satisfy you. All my affair has shown me is that I am desirable, this is not common...
could you expand on "this is not common"? I don't understand that part.
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My H has no problem with wanting sex and is touchy feely when it's ok with him ...
Last time my wife initiated was about nine years ago when she decided that it was time for us to have a baby. That actually came as a surprise to me as I had thought that we had already been trying for several years (if it happens it happens attitude). Apparently she had been on birth control the whole time without me knowing about it. I guess that I was not included in that decision making process.

Quote:
When they act like interacting with you in any way is a chore that just sucks and is such a huge blow to your self-esteem.
To her it seems to be such a chore that I have pretty much stopped asking for it. She doesn't refuse me but its obvious that she isn't interested. I rather be without sex than having a "get on top, do your business, and then get off me so I can go to sleep"-encounter with her.

Quote:
I really hope that she is able to maybe see things from your p.o.v. in the future and you guys will be able to come to a happy medium.
I doubt that she would be able to change. She is set in her ways and used to have things her way. I guess it's my fault by letting her control the steering wheel in our life. I have pretty much ended up living a lie for years just satisfy her and make her happy. I'm tired of it.

Quote:
You shouldn't have to live your life unhappy, with someone that does't love you, for any reason, life is too short....
I do believe that she loves me, but unfortunately not in the way I want and need to be loved. She's a good person and fun to be around but she has become nothing more than a roommate that I happens to have a child with.

Last edited by MickeyD; 02-21-2012 at 03:23 PM.
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You need to apply pressure and do not relent, do not setlle for less, demand that she seek therapy or be willing to leave. You will probably need to make an ultimatum you stand behind.
I don't think she can or want to change. She is too much set in her ways. Also, we are not currently living together because of my work. She didn't want to relocate with me to the other side of the country. This would make therapy soo much more difficult.

Quote:
An affair will not satisfy you. All my affair has shown me is that I am desirable, this is not common, and you don't have to accept it. Love, sex, intimacy are available and it comes naturally. There is no reason to subject yourself to a lifetime of misery.
I'm suspecting that our current geographic separation might be the end of our marriage. We will have been living separately for three years once my current duty assignment expires. I do not think I will be able to walk the 100% straight and narrow line for three years just for the hope that she might change her ways. It's more likely that we both got accustomed to living without eachother making a divorce so much easier to handle.
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Last time my wife initiated was about nine years ago when she decided that it was time for us to have a baby. That actually came as a surprise to me as I had thought that we had already been trying for several years (if it happens it happens attitude). Apparently she had been on birth control the whole time without me knowing about it. I guess that I was not included in that decision making process.



To her it seems to be such a chore that I have pretty much stopped asking for it. She doesn't refuse me but its obvious that she isn't interested. I rather be without sex than having a "get on top, do your business, and then get off me so I can go to sleep"-encounter with her.



I doubt that she would be able to change. She is set in her ways and used to have things her way. I guess it's my fault by letting her control the steering wheel in our life. I have pretty much ended up living a lie for years just satisfy her and make her happy. I'm tired of it.



I do believe that she loves me, but unfortunately not in the way I want and need to be loved. She's a good person and fun to be around but she has become nothing more than a roommate that I happens to have a child with.
In this instance, I suppose that you will just have to make a decision to stay or leave. It's hard to be right there in the middle where you love someone and more or less everything is good except that one thing.....

Maybe you could try separating to see if that has any effect on her whatsoever, of course that could end up giving you the opposite effect...I think at this point, whatever you try is going to be a gamble. There doesn't seem to be any clear cut solution, to me anyway
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Old 02-21-2012, 03:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Oh, now I just read where you said you don't live together, so you can ignore the separation idea I had haha
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Old 02-22-2012, 08:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Maybe you could try separating to see if that has any effect on her whatsoever, of course that could end up giving you the opposite effect...I think at this point, whatever you try is going to be a gamble. There doesn't seem to be any clear cut solution, to me anyway
We have been geographically separated twice before due to deployments (about a year each), but nothing changed when I came back. It was like I hadn't been gone at all. The level of intimacy, or lack thereof, was the same as before I left.

The lack of intimacy made it easy for us to decide to live seperately for three years. She has no need for it and I would still get the same level as I am used to (which is close to nothing).

We have, however, never been separated as in taking a break from marriage.
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