My sexual frustration and considering divorce.
 

Married about 15 years with 3 young children. We are both conservative. We both had some religious hang-ups about sex. I’m over mine, but my wife still has some hang-ups. When we have sex, it is ok. We are both attractive and fairly successful. She is very passive about sex and kind of shy about her body; she is somewhat of a prude and inhibited. I have tried everything I can to help her open up, and she has a little, but not a lot.

The main problem is that she has HSV-1 genitally, and she has outbreaks often because of it. (Most people have HSV-1 by adulthood. It’s usually indicated as a cold sore, and rarely as a genital infection.) It is assumed that I have HSV-1 genitally (probably from my first & ex-wife), but I don’t ever show any symptoms. There is no cure for HSV-1, but anti-viral medication can significantly reduce the re-occurrence and severity of outbreaks. However, none of the usual treatments (Acyclovir, Valtrex or Famvir) have been very effective for her.

My wife contracted HSV-1 genitally immediately after marriage when we had sex for the first time. For most of the time in our marriage, her outbreaks have interfered with our sex life. I feel like she was not doing enough to figure out why she was having problems despite the treatments. Add to it that she is not affectionate by nature, she is very passive and plain sexually, and a number of other personality incompatibilities. This situation has been very frustrating to me. We both lived a celibate life until marriage. I did so with the hope of bonding and enjoying a full and complete relationship in marriage, and I feel like I’ve been robbed of having a relationship like that after having prepared myself so well for marriage.

It has been hard for me to accept or acknowledge, but I also now feel that I made a mistake in marrying my wife; although she is a nice and decent person, I do not like her as a spouse. I had many doubts before we were married, and in part because she is generally a nice and decent person, I went through with the marriage believing that the things about our relationship that bothered me would improve, but they never have. We just are not very compatible, and so I do not accept her for who she is. I could continue to try to tolerate the things that aggravate me about her, but I have been very unfulfilled in this relationship, and I don’t expect anything to change.

We have discussed our relationship over and over. I’ve explained myself and my feelings to her again and again. We are in marital counseling, which hasn’t changed anything. Also, neither of us wants to divorce because we feel strongly about staying together for the sake of our children. In some ways we feel that regardless of our dissatisfaction, we need to be responsible, including sacrificing our needs, for the sake of our kids.

For some time I’ve been struggling with having an affair. My wife knows I’m struggling, but this has not changed anything on her part. So, as much as I want to keep trying, I don’t think the next 15 years are going to be much different than the last 15: sexual frustration, which has prevented me from bonding with her, and has made me more and more apathetic.

If I had any hope that she would have substantial relief from her HSV-1 outbreaks, I would still try for the relationship that I had hoped for. I believe I could learn to love her for who she is if I could at least have sexual fulfillment, but I feel just plain neglected. So, I have nearly decided upon divorce, and to start over with a new relationship when I’m ready.

Divorce would be particularly bitter for her given that she may never have a normal sex relationship because of her condition. Particularly bitter since she was infected from me.

What would you do if you were me? Give up and start over? Or stick it out and maybe end up in an affair?

More thoughts from me about a guy in a similar situation:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/conside...tml#post595691

Re: My sexual frustration and considering divorce.
 

Wow, you gave your wife herpes and now your not happy with your sex life? As a woman, I can't believe how she felt when she learned that she contracted it from you. I've never had a cold sore or fever blisters in my life, ever. I highly doubt I have the virus, but my best friend has them the same as your wife. This sounds a little selfish.

She says they are incredibly painful during the outbreaks. I'm not quite sure how often her outbreaks are, but she got them from her cheating husband. She states that she wishes she could air them out all day until they are healed. She uses protection whenever she has sex, so she does not spread to anyone else. She's done having children and is forced to use condoms for the rest of her life unless she finds a man who haves the GHV themselves.

Why would you end up in an affair? Why not work on your wife and your marriage. The damage is already done. What if you have an affair and not use a condom. You'll spread the disease onto someone else and the cycle continues. It takes both people to work on the marriage, that includes both the husband and wife. It really sounds like you have your mind made up. If not, start with communicating to your wife. Tell her everything. Your thoughts, fears, goals, happiness, what you want in life, but in a gentle way. Don't start pointing the finger at her accusing her of anything. Goodness, I'd be crushed if my hubby gave me herpes, I would of probably left him if it was done carelessly.
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Re: My sexual frustration and considering divorce.
 

She enjoys sex with me. I didn't state or imply otherwise. She is simply plain and passive for my tastes, but that's not the primary problem. I'd be thrilled to have plain vanilla sex on a regular basis, as would she. And yea, of course she's depressed with her condition. We both feel bad about the situation. However, she has NOT given priority to addressing her condition. That's a problem.


That last comment is just downright rude. I've always wanted a full relationship with her. She seems to be content to just continue things as they are.

Yes, my wife experiences the same thing. I’m well acquainted with her condition, and I feel awful for her. Why she doesn’t try harder to address the problem is beyond me. After months and years of trying acyclovir and Valtrex with little success, she only tried Famvir for the first time a couple weeks ago. It shouldn’t take 15 years to get that far. Six months to a year sure, but 15?...

Just to be clear, this is NOT HSV-2, which is what most people recognize as genital herpes. On the surface, I can understand your superficial comment. But on closer and deeper inspection, it’s more complicated than how you are characterizing it. I had NO CLUE that I MIGHT have HSV-1 genitally before my wife contracted it. As I stated in the original post, it is PRESUMED that I have HSV-1 genitally and that I contracted it from my ex-wife, who was the only person I had any sexual contact with besides my current wife. I have NO SYMPTOMS of HSV-1 genitally: none. So, I might not even have HSV-1 genitally. A blood test will only show that I have anti-bodies for HSV-1, but that will be the same result for every person who has ever had a cold-sore, for example on their mouth. Anyone who has had a cold-sore (approximately 80% of the population) will have HSV-1 antibodies. It is rare to have HSV-1 genitally because most people have HSV-1 antibodies from a cold-sore on their mouth in their youth. If I had any idea that I might give anyone HSV-1 genitally, I would have had a very frank discussion about it. So your presumptions about this are fairly rude and jump to conclusions. While I’m probably the source of her infection, I very much understand how awful she feels as well as my feelings for her and about my role in it. Most of our aggravation is felt toward my ex-wife, who we believe spread it to me. My wife doesn’t blame me. Honestly, I would hate to be your friend, let alone your spouse. You sound very judgmental. What you have completely ignored is my comment about my wife’s failure to be more assertive to address this condition.

Also, any good guy, as I am too, ought to be able to enjoy a healthy sex life in marriage. Particularly, when a guy has not intentional or recklessly brought about conditions that interfere with that. So, how is that wrongly selfish?

Why does anyone end up in an affair: because I’m emotional and sexually neglected.

You must have missed the part of my original post that we have been working on this since we married 15 years ago: that we have talked and talked and have seen, and are seeing a marital counselor. What fears, goals, etc. do you think I may not have already told her at this point? In a gentle way, in a frustrated way, in any good way I could…

The damage is done, but that doesn’t resolve the problems at hand, and if she would demonstrate a sense of urgency and priority to trying to deal with her condition, that would give me more hope she cares about our relationship, herself and me.

I haven’t made up my mind about divorce, but yes, I’m close to it. I’m trying to find a solid reason or reasons to give me the strength to enjoy what I can and stick to it, but after 15 years of this, I’m not finding any anymore.

This rude comment totally jumps to conclusions.

She would have no reservation in acknowledging that she is sexually passive and inhibited. This personality attribute predates any infection. You are putting words in her mouth, and jumping to conclusions with rude remarks toward me.

Never expected cartwheels or such. As I’ve stated above, I’d be happy just to have plain sex on a regular basis. The problem here is your rude comment.

Lucky to get any sex? That comment is so unrealistic and immature on so many levels, it’s hardly worth addressing.

I never stated or implied I blamed her for her condition or that she “hasn’t tried” or done “anything about it”. The issue there is that she has not given it the priority or urgency she ought to. There are still plenty of things to try. The question is will she try them, or take another 15 years to address it.

Re: My sexual frustration and considering divorce.
 

Did you know you were infected before marriage and did you tell your wife.

Have you been treated to clear yourself of the virus so that you are not reinfecting her? Do you wear a condom? What has your reaction been to this horrible painful disease that you gave her?

You might spend your time looking vigorously for innovative treatment programs for treatment and be proactive and take her for treatment. You seem to expect her to do all the work to find a cure for her condition. You seem to feel that it interfers with your sex life. That is what you get when your wife has a disease of this type. You suffer along with her.

Her life took a very bad turn for a woman who has been virtuous. She gets an STD from a man who is unsympathetic and has outsized sexual expectations. I think need to count your blessings. Your wife has sex with your dispite the disease that you gave her. You have 3 healthy kids. Why do you think you are worthy of an exciting sex life from a woman you care nothing for?

You can divorce and look for a clean woman but I think you self centedness has you deluded . Let's see what you look like on paper - recently divorced herpes positive man with joint custody and child support for three small kids and alimony to an ex with an incurrable venereal disease.

Looking for a clean woman. Preference will be given to women with a good job making 6 figure. Must be willing to provide 3/4 of living expenses and take care of 3 kids part time. She must be a lady in public and provide porn sex to delight and entertain.

You expect a great deal with so little to offer.
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Most the comments on here you claim to be rude, not just by me. We are just voicing our opinions. Giving someone a STD that is incurable is much more rude then my simple statements/opinions. You changed her life forever. She did not ask to contract it no matter what level it is. You both are entitled to a healthly sex life and marriage. Having an affair is selfish and will destroy your wife if she loves you.

Divorce her before you cheat. The least you could do is be open and honest with her.

Not once have I ever thought about having an affair on my husband, nor would he on me. We fully respect each other and our communication is very open(100% transparent). We are each others best friend. My husband has always put my needs before his own. Even after I broke my neck, which was a life changing event for the both of us. After I broke my neck and had surgery, it took me 3 years to get back into being intimate with my husband. Not once did he complain or was disappointed with the lack of intimacy. He stood by my side and still does to this day now that I'm disabled. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry. My husband puts so much effort into our marriage and I appreciate everything he does for me!
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Did you read all of my posts on this thread? because nearly every question you ask I answered above. Read this one in particular:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/conside...tml#post595773
Good grief. Lots of reading comprehension problems with the replies so far. No useful responses at all to this point.

She has not welcomed my proactive attempts to help her. I would be more than happy to help her, but she does not include me like she should. This is a problem of hers.

The rest of your comment is completely uncalled for. For example, “unsympathetic”, “outsized sexual expectations”, “care nothing for”, “self-centered”, “deluded”… Those comments are very rude.

I also happen to make a very good six figure salary and have a very successful career and support my wife and children very well. She never has to work or worry about finances. And AGAIN, I have not been tested herpes positive! I HAVE NO SYMPTOMS OR OUTBREAKS TO TEST! There can you read that?

Some of you posters must be projecting your own issues or past issues you have dealt with, but at any rate you aren’t really trying to understand my situation.

Presuming I have HSV-1 genitally, you understand that I did not ask for this either, right? That I was an innocent person who probably contracted it from my former wife at the time, right? And that it also changed my life forever, right? And that I had NO IDEA I had it, right?

It is NOT rude of me to give someone a STD, when I had no idea, AND I acted very responsibly in my sex life prior to having a relationship with my current wife. I felt terrible!

This is simply a tragedy. Not necessarily where someone is to blame, but most of the comments seem to be stuck on that because there is an STD, someone must be to blame. As I said, my wife doesn’t blame me. She is more mature than that to understand that I didn’t know, I wasn’t reckless, and I didn’t intend to hurt her.

You all have said a lot of rude things to me and about me that were completely uncalled for.

Thank you. That is a positive and validating comment.

I agree. I’d rather just divorce than hurt her. I have been very open and honest with her. As I said in the original post, I have told her that I am struggling so that we can work thru this together.

Good for you! You are very fortunate. However, how many years of marriage were you able to build a bond and strength in your marriage before you broke your neck? You were both able to build a reservoir of love to draw from and hope for. My wife contracted this on day one on our wedding night. We’ve never had a chance to bond well. We didn’t even know what was wrong at first! And on top of it our personality incompatibilities, and it seems we were doomed to fail from the beginning.

No, and no. That's not an accurate understanding of my posts.

She is trying, but yes, I'm not so happy because it's not a high enough priority in her life to my satisfaction.

No, I don't want an affair. I want a happy marriage, but it takes two to try THEIR BEST.

Re: My sexual frustration and considering divorce.
 

Genital issues can cause total emotional/mental blocks on sex.

I had genital warts once (yea, don't judge) from an ex lover...yep. They have gone away and haven't returned in years! (thank god) but for that time, i was not into sex...it's embarrassing.

But yea, she got the herpes from you. So...that's a little yucky too. You never got tested before? Eesh.

Re: My sexual frustration and considering divorce.
 

NO. I NEVER SAID THAT! I SAID “PROBABLY”, quote: “probably from my first & ex-wife”

No wonder your wife cheated on you and left you. You never listened or tried to understand a thing she said!

Re: My sexual frustration and considering divorce.
 

I broke my neck 3.5 years ago. We've been married 12 years. I'm still in my 30's and fairly young. My husband and I are extremely compatible and we do have a very deep bond with one another. I ran 36 miles a week before I broke my neck, now I spend a good portion of my day resting. This has altered my body shape a little. My husband and I have zero expectations of each other, therefore eliminating any resentments toward each other. We are also emotionally/physically connected to each other, which is very important in a marriage. If your wife is not emotionally connected to you, she will not desire a sexual relationship from you.

Honestly, my drive is currently higher then my husband's. He does so much for me and goes above and beyond what most men would do for their wives. I do recognize this and I always remind him the appreciation he deserves. His feelings towards me are as strong as mine are to him. We do deeply desire each other despite my physical appearance. I'm no longer toned and look quite the same. My husband is a triathlete and loves to race in ironmans. He's very athletic.

You are absolutely right, I'm very fortunate to have my husband. We work well together as a team. We communicate well and easily compromise on any issue. We started off very very well from day one. Our marriage has always been strong despite our struggles and setbacks. We both work equally hard to keep it going strong.

Good luck with whatever happens. Try to understand your wife. Most of us women are very emotional and these emotions run our lives. It's the way we were built.
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Re: My sexual frustration and considering divorce.
 

But why would I get tested before my current wife? My ex-wife said she was tested and didn't have any STDs. My ex-wife didn't show any symptoms. I didn't show any symptoms. And in fact unless either of us showed any genital outbreak, there is no way to positively confirm HSV-1 genital infection.

My ex-wife was the only one I had sexual contact besides my current wife. I had no reason to believe I had an STD, and again because I don't have symptoms or outbreak, I still cannot positively confirm that I do.