Married about 15 years with 3 young children. We are both conservative. We both had some religious hang-ups about sex. I’m over mine, but my wife still has some hang-ups. When we have sex, it is ok. We are both attractive and fairly successful. She is very passive about sex and kind of shy about her body; she is somewhat of a prude and inhibited. I have tried everything I can to help her open up, and she has a little, but not a lot.
The main problem is that she has HSV-1 genitally, and she has outbreaks often because of it. (Most people have HSV-1 by adulthood. It’s usually indicated as a cold sore, and rarely as a genital infection.) It is assumed that I have HSV-1 genitally (probably from my first & ex-wife), but I don’t ever show any symptoms. There is no cure for HSV-1, but anti-viral medication can significantly reduce the re-occurrence and severity of outbreaks. However, none of the usual treatments (Acyclovir, Valtrex or Famvir) have been very effective for her.
My wife contracted HSV-1 genitally immediately after marriage when we had sex for the first time. For most of the time in our marriage, her outbreaks have interfered with our sex life. I feel like she was not doing enough to figure out why she was having problems despite the treatments. Add to it that she is not affectionate by nature, she is very passive and plain sexually, and a number of other personality incompatibilities. This situation has been very frustrating to me. We both lived a celibate life until marriage. I did so with the hope of bonding and enjoying a full and complete relationship in marriage, and I feel like I’ve been robbed of having a relationship like that after having prepared myself so well for marriage.
It has been hard for me to accept or acknowledge, but I also now feel that I made a mistake in marrying my wife; although she is a nice and decent person, I do not like her as a spouse. I had many doubts before we were married, and in part because she is generally a nice and decent person, I went through with the marriage believing that the things about our relationship that bothered me would improve, but they never have. We just are not very compatible, and so I do not accept her for who she is. I could continue to try to tolerate the things that aggravate me about her, but I have been very unfulfilled in this relationship, and I don’t expect anything to change.
We have discussed our relationship over and over. I’ve explained myself and my feelings to her again and again. We are in marital counseling, which hasn’t changed anything. Also, neither of us wants to divorce because we feel strongly about staying together for the sake of our children. In some ways we feel that regardless of our dissatisfaction, we need to be responsible, including sacrificing our needs, for the sake of our kids.
For some time I’ve been struggling with having an affair. My wife knows I’m struggling, but this has not changed anything on her part. So, as much as I want to keep trying, I don’t think the next 15 years are going to be much different than the last 15: sexual frustration, which has prevented me from bonding with her, and has made me more and more apathetic.
If I had any hope that she would have substantial relief from her HSV-1 outbreaks, I would still try for the relationship that I had hoped for. I believe I could learn to love her for who she is if I could at least have sexual fulfillment, but I feel just plain neglected. So, I have nearly decided upon divorce, and to start over with a new relationship when I’m ready.
Divorce would be particularly bitter for her given that she may never have a normal sex relationship because of her condition. Particularly bitter since she was infected from me.
What would you do if you were me? Give up and start over? Or stick it out and maybe end up in an affair?
The main problem is that she has HSV-1 genitally, and she has outbreaks often because of it. (Most people have HSV-1 by adulthood. It’s usually indicated as a cold sore, and rarely as a genital infection.) It is assumed that I have HSV-1 genitally (probably from my first & ex-wife), but I don’t ever show any symptoms. There is no cure for HSV-1, but anti-viral medication can significantly reduce the re-occurrence and severity of outbreaks. However, none of the usual treatments (Acyclovir, Valtrex or Famvir) have been very effective for her.
My wife contracted HSV-1 genitally immediately after marriage when we had sex for the first time. For most of the time in our marriage, her outbreaks have interfered with our sex life. I feel like she was not doing enough to figure out why she was having problems despite the treatments. Add to it that she is not affectionate by nature, she is very passive and plain sexually, and a number of other personality incompatibilities. This situation has been very frustrating to me. We both lived a celibate life until marriage. I did so with the hope of bonding and enjoying a full and complete relationship in marriage, and I feel like I’ve been robbed of having a relationship like that after having prepared myself so well for marriage.
It has been hard for me to accept or acknowledge, but I also now feel that I made a mistake in marrying my wife; although she is a nice and decent person, I do not like her as a spouse. I had many doubts before we were married, and in part because she is generally a nice and decent person, I went through with the marriage believing that the things about our relationship that bothered me would improve, but they never have. We just are not very compatible, and so I do not accept her for who she is. I could continue to try to tolerate the things that aggravate me about her, but I have been very unfulfilled in this relationship, and I don’t expect anything to change.
We have discussed our relationship over and over. I’ve explained myself and my feelings to her again and again. We are in marital counseling, which hasn’t changed anything. Also, neither of us wants to divorce because we feel strongly about staying together for the sake of our children. In some ways we feel that regardless of our dissatisfaction, we need to be responsible, including sacrificing our needs, for the sake of our kids.
For some time I’ve been struggling with having an affair. My wife knows I’m struggling, but this has not changed anything on her part. So, as much as I want to keep trying, I don’t think the next 15 years are going to be much different than the last 15: sexual frustration, which has prevented me from bonding with her, and has made me more and more apathetic.
If I had any hope that she would have substantial relief from her HSV-1 outbreaks, I would still try for the relationship that I had hoped for. I believe I could learn to love her for who she is if I could at least have sexual fulfillment, but I feel just plain neglected. So, I have nearly decided upon divorce, and to start over with a new relationship when I’m ready.
Divorce would be particularly bitter for her given that she may never have a normal sex relationship because of her condition. Particularly bitter since she was infected from me.
What would you do if you were me? Give up and start over? Or stick it out and maybe end up in an affair?