I'm so confused - maybe it's me?
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Old 02-21-2012, 05:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I'm so confused - maybe it's me?

If anyone's familiar with my story.... I caught my wife in an ongoing PA with my supposed BF 11 years ago. We got bad advice from a therapist...we buried it (rugswept) and moved on. She moved on better than I, and she seemed to be good with our marriage and greatful to have been given a second chance. For 11 years she has been there for me and for 11 years I have had every kind of trigger and mind movie imaginable and I kept silent (my mistake). He has the same name as me so it's even affected me in bed. Songs, people, my name, motorcycles, even foods and drinks he liked are all triggers. I would be lying if I said it's been all bad, quite the opposite, we've had many great times but he has always been lurking right there in my head.

My wife thought I was having an EA and accused me and that's when I finally was honest with her about how it has hurt me and literally changed who I am as a person. I had to tell her why I was really pulling away and it wasn't because of any friend that I had. Since bringing it out it is like I am finally seeing everything clearly and wonder how I accepted this and tried so hard to move on in the first place. It really upset me that after such a betrayal, that I gave her trust for all these years, and yet the first time she felt uncomfortable about something, she felt she could not trust me?

So I am troubled...A memory of a very horrid affair right under my nose is there, and then I have a memory of the past 11 years since where she has for the most part just tried to show me how much she loves me. I am thankful that this out in the open no matter what brought it all out. I feel better!

My problem is, although my wife still loves and enjoys sex with me, I actually have somewhat avoided it and had "performance problems" for years. The first time was pre D-day when she was being openly flirtatious with my financially well off - so called friend and enjoying the attention, while I was struggling with a new business and somehow felt like less of a man. I know my thought process is different now as lovemaking used to be about me making her feel good and in turn I got off, and now it's become a "release" and something I just try to get through. So maybe with my issues, I did contribute to pushing her away, but it doesn't excuse any affair..

We have been sleeping seperately and although she sleeps with a picture of us and is sad about all of this...I am actually okay? I even look at other women and think about maybe being with someone new, and although I know everyone has problems, I would be lying if I said it doesn't interest me. I am 52 and I don't want to be 62 and say I should have left 10 years ago. But I've only been with 2 women in my life and although my wife talks about how great I am, after the "performance issues" I have had I also don't know if I could be with anyone else...my thought process and head are just too screwed up from 11 years of triggers.

I know if I stay it should not be because I feel bad, or I'm settling, or because it's the right thing to do, or I want to take care of her. It should be because I have a passion and can't live without her! Or maybe no one has that passion and drive after 30 years and this is all a late "mid-life crisis" and I need to suck it up and be thankful that I have a wife that loves me? I just think we both deserve better? And I just don't want to have to think about him with her anymore....
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm so confused - maybe it's me?

I think that the two of you need to revisit the affair.
Let her know exactly what bothers you and how. She needs to answer all of the questions that you have.
For you, this is still going on because you haven't had the answers, the apology, or whatever you need to move on.
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm so confused - maybe it's me?

My feeling is you never got to fully grieve the affair.

I think you two need a long separation of several months to a year. Like I said in one of the other posts, she is your trigger and as long as you are around her you will never get the thoughts out of your head. Promise you will both stay celibate and true to each other during that time: no dating or sleeping around with others. You need to learn to be alone, by yourself again and your wife needs to do the same.

Then maybe after that time you can come together and see where your feelings are. I think this would be a better alternative than divorce for now.
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Old 02-21-2012, 08:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm so confused - maybe it's me?

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
My feeling is you never got to fully grieve the affair.

I think you two need a long separation of several months to a year. Like I said in one of the other posts, she is your trigger and as long as you are around her you will never get the thoughts out of your head. Promise you will both stay celibate and true to each other during that time: no dating or sleeping around with others. You need to learn to be alone, by yourself again and your wife needs to do the same.

Then maybe after that time you can come together and see where your feelings are. I think this would be a better alternative than divorce for now.
That's part of my problem. I sometimes feel that we would both be better with someone else. Her with someone that gives her all of the love and respect she deserves, and me with a clean start and new memories. Sure I can make new memories with my wife, we've made plenty, but the old ones will always be there...sometimes I think the cut is just too deep?

I also feel at some point I might want to date others...not to get laid (at least initially), just to meet other people and help me move on from all this? I know that would not be good for R, but I'm actually being honest with myself and others for the first time in my life. I have always been passive-aggresive and let myself get walked on...no more, I say what I have to say.

I also feel at some point if i did "hook up" with someone else, it would take care of 2 things....1 my issue with performance (because I know from morning wake ups that everything functions fine). I don't have issues everytime but I believe it's because of what happened. Maybe it is all me, but only 1 way to find out? The other is sometimes I feel that if I did, we'd be even....I know, not a good idea, just saying where my heads at (honesty).

I do know we can't be "together" until there is time apart. My head is out of the fog and I see things clearer than ever. I had a supressed memory come out last Saturday about her and her 2sisters and him meeting up at a private social club. Last week for a complete different reason I drove past it. When I pulled in the lot, I remembered parking down the street and walking along some tracks behind the club and watching for them. I asked her if this happened...she said yes that was when her sisters said they didn't have the $ and couldn't go on their cruise due to a stolen check and she called him and he met them there and said he'd pay for them....

See it's pretty deep! I wish I would have had better therapy back then...I had a couple/few sessions and we never looked back...ok that's a lie cause I always do and it's starting to suck!
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