Very Confused... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-23-2012, 11:33 AM Thread Starter
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Very Confused...

Well, to get started, I'd like to explain to you who I am. I'm a 20 year old college student. I work part-time at Wal-Mart. I got married right out of high school to my boyfriend of 4 years. We met online when I was in high school and he moved from his hometown to mine 3 years ago. We've been married for a year and a half now. We have no children. (Phew!)

A few months ago things in my home went from bad to worse. My husband and I had been fighting pretty consistently. We argued mostly about the fact that he is addicted to gaming and will not take iniative to succeed in anything in his life because of his addiction. Although we are both in school, I am taking more classes and more difficult classes than he is. I am also working harder at my classes than he is. (I work on homework a lot more than he does) and yet I was still the one who was responsible for the bills, the household chores, the dog, and the cooking. When we would fight I would tell him that all I really wanted was when he came home at night to see that something needed to be done and do it. I shouldn't have to tell him to do the dishes when they are piled to the ceiling. He should have enough pride in our home that he wouldn't want it to look that way.

Eventually our fights got worse and worse leading to an extremely physical one. I told him that because he wouldn't do anything I asked of him, I was leaving. I told him that he doesn't try in school, at home, or for me and that all he really cares about his video games. Attempting to regain control, he told me I couldn't leave. He stole my cell phone and when I tried to get away from him he would just follow me. When I tried to plow through him he would throw my on the bed. I felt so trapped, hopeless, and I hated him. I was crying and I needed to blow my nose. He wouldn't let me so I had to blow my nose in a sock. (this is really bad I know but I should tell it all if I am going to tell it) So I decided he needed to know how it felt to have snot dripping from his face and I wiped the sock on his cheek. He got very mad and basically threw me on the bed by my ears and thought about punching me but didn't.

This was the worse fight we had ever had. In the end, I let him talk about how mad he was that I put snot in his face, gave into his demands, and allowed it to be all my fault. I told myself that when he was sleeping I would leave. But I didn't...

Weeks went on and I couldn't forgive him. So the next time we fought was because he refused a shift at work when he knew we needed the money because of recent cuts in hours. I had taken extra shifts, why couldn't he? So I didn't give any hint that I was calling my parents, I just did. He begged me not to go to stay with him. But I knew that in order to make a point, I had to leave. So that's exactly what I did. However, it didn't last long. Andrew would beg me everyday to come over and to spend time with him. So it wasn't really that much of a day off. He asked me over for dinner and cleaned the house perfectly. And I thought that since he seemed to be trying things could actually get better....

I guess I was wrong. Things are slowly winding their way back to the way it was. The house doesn't get cleaned unless he is asked to or I clean it. The meals are cooked mostly by me. I tried to make a calendar of food to be cooked and who cooks it but he rarely bothers with it. The only thing he has done is work good hours at work and keep up decent maintenance on the cars. (Not too long ago he was so bad at doing this a motor blew on a car we hadn't even had for a year because he forgot to check the oil when the check oil light had been on for weeks)

I think he is going to fail the anatomy class we are taking because he will not study. I feel like if I want him to do anything I have to tell him EXACTLY what to do. He doesn't know when he goes to class he is always asking me. He won't go to bed at a decent time so that he can be prepared for class. He doesn't do homework and he just wants to copy off me when I'm done with mine.

Looking back at the past few years I've realized one thing for sure. At 18, I wasn't experienced enough in life to know what I wanted in a partner that I would have to spend the rest of my life with. My husband isn't a terrible person, we just don't seem to have common goals. What he things is funny, I find annoying. For instance, he things it is funny to pull on my nose. I think it stupid and hurts but if I tell him to stop, I'm being grouchy. He thinks he can tickle me and make me feel better about anything but really it just irritates me because I can't help but laugh and whatever was bothering me is still there. He needs constant attention and wants hugs all the time. If I do something that is just for me, like workout, he thinks I don't want to be with him. I want to be a social worker and he hold extreme prejudices against all kinds of people. I like being nice and he likes being rude.

In high school, I didn't have a lot of friends and I sure as heck didn't have any boys wanting to do things with me. I assumed it would be like that for the rest of my life. Only recently have I realized that I could actually get a date with someone really attractive. And that I have a fun personality and that I am worthy of being happy. I found out a lot of these things from a co-worker. The first time I saw him I remember staring at him thinking, "Wow...well, that guy is never going to talk to me." So you can imagine how stupid I must have looked a few days later when he came up to me, shook my hand, and introduced himself. We started talking and found out we had a lot of things in common. But I was married and he was in a steady relationship. So of course we were just friends. But as my marriage started to deteiorate so did his relationship. Now he is single and he finds a way to come into my sections at work all the time. He's been flirting a lot more than usual and I know that it's pretty obvious that there is chemistry between us.

It's not that I want to leave my husband for this guy. It's the fact that if you told me 1.5 years ago that a guy like that would even talk to me, I wouldn't have believed you. I feel like I've made a huge mistake and that I married way to young. I know that and I've spent days sorting through all of this gunk. But my husband says he is really in love with me. He wants to do things with me and be together all the time. I should be happy with this, right? But I'm not...

I know asking for a divorce would just crush him. He would never finish school. I'm afraid he would be mean all the time and never be able to find someone else because of that. I feel like I would ruin his whole life. And at the same time I wonder about myself and my own feelings. Am I only this unhappy because of my co-worker? Do I somewhere deep inside think that if I leave my husband we could have a relationship?

I'm really sorry that this is so long its just that this is the stuff I've been mulling around in my head for days now and I just need someone else's opinion. I feel like such a traitor when I tell my friends and family about my situation. I'm really embarrassed about my feelings for my co-worker.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-23-2012, 12:21 PM
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Re: Very Confused...

Go to marriage counseling or individual counseling (both of you). Stop responding to your coworker. An affair will be devastating and he's not going to marry you, anyway. Cut him off. Whether you like it or not, you're married.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-24-2012, 08:52 PM
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I agree that MC is a good idea. Definitely stay far away from your co-worker. He's only representing what you think you're missing. The "grass is greener" syndrome. In the end, anything you do with your co-worker will just make you feel worse and worsen your situation with your husband.

MC can help you both understand how to handle conflict better, but also may help him understand your points of contention. IC may help you figure out what you want and feel.
good luck.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-24-2012, 08:52 PM
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Re: Very Confused...

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