Me and my wife were having a few problems since the baby, moving across the country and most recently doing a lot of traveling. Like 3 months of not being home.
She was giving me the "something is missing" and "my emotional needs" speak a couple of times mainly starting around the holidays this past year.
I told her to be patient, let's get back home and work on it. I knew our time traveling was almost up, and we actually had a few really nice moments/evenings during this time.
Cutting to the chase...
She went to visit some ex-coworkers during our later travels and it turns out she really "connected" with a guy that I guess she has always had an attraction to.
I know she was with other people and our son, so I know nothing physical happened.
However, as soon as that day came, she cried out more about the "something missing", but I did feel like she was building a wall and keeping 1 foot out the door.
I basically busted her having some sort of text rampage with him. Phone records indicate around 500 texts with this guy starting around January 8th 2012, up until about 5 days ago when she finally told me about him.
She says she does not love him, and possibly very stupidly, I believe her.
I flipped out when she told me and then I looked at the phone records, and said it was over in the heat of it. And it did not take her long to admit to me that she would give him a try if we did not work out.
Then, she planned to go back to where we used to live (and where he does) temporarily because she needs the work and money.
Should I take her back? You think it's possible to get over this?
I'm not perfect, but I treat her VERY well and always have been 100% loyal and honest with her for 8 years now.
The hard thing about taking someone back is trusting. If you feel that you can trust her and that the EA is over then sure. However, you have to listen to what she is saying. She would give him a try if you didn't work out. I personally would have a hard time dealing with her moving back to where he is and still trusting that nothing was happening (not even getting into the physical. I must admit that I am a jealous person by nature) There should never be a back up plan in marriage. You have to ask yourself, what is it that I use to do that I don't do anymore. Is it me or is this just a phase in her life that we have to try and ride out together? I know it is tough, but you have to examine yourself more than you examine her. The only person you can control is you. Maybe you should just ask her what she needs from you?
That's the thing, I never really thought I was being different or acting different.
I agree, I should take a closer look at myself. However, I never really agreed with her about the "something missing" deal. We just had a baby, we just moved, we're traveling, what'd she expect? Life not to change a little, and be a little rough during this time?
I think what I don't trust is how fast she went from a very short time of things not being as good as she wants them, to diving very quickly into this EA.
And those back up plans. Although she might have said that in the heat of things.
We've agreed to work on it and I want to stay in the fight, but I am harboring a lot of resentment and anger over this.
I'm going to see a therapist to work on me and help look at myself. Scheduled that first thing this morning.
I know how it feels to have those feelings of resentment. I made alot of mistakes and every time she forgave me.
Therapy is a good thing. Maybe you will find out something that you didn't realize.
She has agreed to work on it. That is a good sign too. Stay in the fight.
And by controlling sounds like she really means... pissed for getting busted.
Or have you been the type to snoop on her frequently? Or perhaps the jealous type by nature?
Sounds like the one she is having has been going on for a longer time than mine. And while it sounds like we both believe them that they are cutting it off... we are having a hard time getting over it.
However, I hate to say this... sounds like your W already has checked out. While I don't suggest giving up the fight for your marriage, I would seek some help as a couple. Sounds like this one might be a long road to get past.
And, it sounds like she really fell for this guy. She lost something she really wanted, and now is angry and *****y because she can't have it.
She's checked out for sure, she wants to pull back in, but then sees all the bad qualities in me, real or perceived, they're much more prevalent when you've unplugged.
from website I saw on cycle of women cheating:
They start cheating
They become angry and resentful
They begin telling their partners that they need time apart
They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages. BINGO, amazing how similar all this junk is and this emotional affair stuff......
maddecent, you should read up in the Coping With Infidelity section. Often times when a spouse is accused of being controlling it is just another of the signs that the EA is deeper than you think.
I would be concerned with her moving to the same area the OM is. Why can't she find work where you are now? This is also part of the cheater's playbook to get the "space" they need and by space they typically mean space away from you so they can see if their new relationship will work out!
Please go to the infidelity forum and do some serious reading! I wish you luck
Thank you, I am going to start there today after I try to get some work done.
She is about to accept a new job (in town here), but that would require her to be gone most nights. While I know he is not anywhere close to this town physically, I do feel that this will enable her to continue the EA without me knowing. This new job would give her a computer that would never come home and also a new phone. Neither of which I would have access to.
I don't want to feel this way, but when you say: "This is also part of the cheater's playbook to get the "space" they need and by space they typically mean space away from you so they can see if their new relationship will work out!"
Again, there's lots of great advice in the other forum about using things like Voice Activated Recorders (VAR) and keylogger software for PCs and phones.
Also, many companies have policies about using their equipment for personal use so she could be setting herself up for trouble there.
How far away is the OM? Is it conceivable he could drive there one night? Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? If so, you should begin collecting this type of information for a possible exposure down the road. Watch out for "business trips" in the near future too!
If things look like they are headed south, you really should get some legal advice right away so you know what you can and can't do. I am sure you could get a free consultation without much effort. Many here would advise cancelling all joint credit cards and taking half your money and putting it into an account that she can't access.
Last but not least, you'll be told that you should never reveal your sources of information of tip your hand to exactly what you know since it could lead to her being able to figure out where you got the info and block that avenue. Trust your gut!