Full disclosure - I am a gay man. I know some of you don't approve of that, but I didn't come here for a debate on homosexuality, so if you can't put that aside, please move on to the next thread. My partner and I have been together for 5 years and basically have lived together like a married couple for the past 3.5 years. For the last 3 years, he has wanted little to do with intimacy in any way. We never had a great sexual connection, but it was like one day he just decided for himself that part of our relationship was done. For those of you familiar with the "Five Love Language" books, my love language is "physical touch", so you can imagine how much this bothers me. We are intimate, on average, once every 6 weeks. There have been dry spells lasting months, however. It has been nearly 2 months since we were last intimate. It makes me incredibly mad that when we are intimate, it is always on HIS terms. When I attempt to initiate, I am re-buffed 95% of the time, so I gave up long ago. I have sat him down and had serious conversations multiple times over the last 3 years telling him how much the lack of intimacy between us bothers me, but little changes. When I threatened to move out this past fall, he increased how often he told me he loved me and increased hugs and pecks on the mouth, but that just isn't enough for me. I get hugs and pecks on the mouth from my Grandma...I expect a little more than that from my partner. As each day goes by, I find the lack of cuddling, making out, and other forms of intimacy increasing intolerable. It makes me resent him and act *****y toward him, which likely makes him want to be intimate with me even less. It's a vicious cycle. It seems for whatever reason, he is unwilling or unable to offer these things to me. I feel like I have a roommate, not a boyfriend and I think about leaving all the time. Have you (or someone you know) left a relationship or marriage not because your partner was abusive or lazy or a cheater, but because even though the person was your best friend in the world, there were just no romantic feelings anymore? He's my best friend and maybe if I were older (I'm only 29) that would be enough for me, but at this stage in my life, it's just not. I would really appreciate feedback from people who have been in similar circumstances. I'm sure many of you will suggest joint counseling. I myself have done IC and it was helpful to see that my expectations are not outlandish (as he has told me they are), however it had really no benefit to our relationship without him being there...so I stopped going. I suggested we try counseling together and he scoffed at the idea. He basically said he doesn't think there is anything wrong. In his his mind, I really do think he believes everything is just wonderful as the relationship is fulfilling what his needs are. Also, he had his testosterone level checked last month at my request and it's normal.
I think most of us aren't living with a good friend or roommate because we wanted something "more". At least part of that "more" is an intimate relationship.
And your partner is dead wrong. If one of the two people in a relationship thinks there's a problem in the relationship, then there's a problem in it.
Yeah, I suppose it really is that simple, but I still struggle with what to do. I think if I knew that I could leave without him hating me and he could go on and have a good life with someone else, my decision would be much easier. Even though I resent him at times for not wanting to be intimate with me, I don’t hate him. Does that make any sense?
I'm not sure how similar my situation is, but it does have some similarities. I am also 29 years old and my marriage counselor said affectionate is needed just as much as intimacy and sex. If he is not providing that anymore or is refusing to be intimate, than those are grounds for separation. Denying the intimacy from the partner can cause more pain and suffering than verbal abuse, because the feeling of rejection and denial can cause many other problems.
Yeah, I suppose it really is that simple, but I still struggle with what to do. I think if I knew that I could leave without him hating me and he could go on and have a good life with someone else, my decision would be much easier. Even though I resent him at times for not wanting to be intimate with me, I don’t hate him. Does that make any sense?
You are very codependent.
You care about his needs and not your own. He doesn't really care about your needs...Why don't you?
Are you asking if it easy for me to leave financially or emotionally? Financially? Yes and no. We foolishly bought a house together after only a year together. The mortgage is only in his name, but it it titled in both our names. I would be the one to leave. I have a lot of money wrapped up in improvements we made to the house, so that is a concern. He doesn’t really like the house anymore or the part of town it’s in, so I don’t think he’ll want to live there forever. The house cannot be sold without my signature (as I am on title) so he will have to work out something with me at that time. Both vehicles are titled in both our names. That will be kinda messy. Not sure how we would work that out. I make enough money to support myself alone and a relative offered to let me rent from her for a nominal amount for a while. Emotionally? I think I’m almost ready. It will be hard for a while, but I am confident I can move on.
What are his reasons for being this way? I’m not entirely certain. He is not very good at expressing his feelings. When we have fights or disagreements, he pretty much barely speaks. He has issues with intimacy for sure…but I don’t think he can even explain why. He once told me that he is uncomfortable being intimate with someone else. He said he would almost rather “take care of business” by himself, if you catch my drift. I thought he just didn’t have a libido. Turns out, he takes care of himself almost daily when I’m not around. I asked him if he was ever abused sexually. He said he has not been.
I think we just have different views of what a relationship and different expectations of what we expect from it. I think he wants someone to help with living expenses and someone to help with household duties and responsibilities. I think he gets comfort and enjoyment just from me being in the room with him and that’s enough for him. To me, that’s the description of a roommate and that’s not what I want. You asked if I suspect he’s cheating. I have never thought for a moment he is. He doesn’t have the desire or the time.
Well if you know that you guys don't have a good sexual connection and never did, it probably does not stem from how he feels about you...that being said the fact that he scoffs at your needs and says that they are out there shows that he doesn't respect you like he should....
My verdict is that if he isn't willing to work on it with you, there's nothing that you could do other than stay and see how things play themselves out, or leave, which you would be justified in doing as he is not willing to meet you halfway it seems...
He literally told me what I want is a “fairy tale” and not realistic of a 5 year old relationship. Apparently wanting to be intimate with your partner, wanting to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc. is a fairly tale. Wow! I told him flat out a few months ago that in order for me to want to stay in our relationship, I need sex at least once a week, more cuddling, more making out…just more intimacy in general. You would think that would be a wake up call for him and he would act on those requests if he wanted to keep me around (because I’m not terrible to look at and these are things he should want to do anyway). None of those things have happened with any greater frequency than they had before. :-/
Yeah, I suppose it really is that simple, but I still struggle with what to do. I think if I knew that I could leave without him hating me and he could go on and have a good life with someone else, my decision would be much easier. Even though I resent him at times for not wanting to be intimate with me, I don’t hate him. Does that make any sense?
Yes, that makes sense. It's hard to imagine coming undone from someone that you love, no matter the circumstances. It's hard. And yes, it is really taht simple but once you throw emotions into it, it seems a little more complicated.
Thing is, you aren't happy with the status quo. If he won't help change that, then you need to decide what you want for yourself.
Full disclosure - I am a gay man. I know some of you don't approve of that, but I didn't come here for a debate on homosexuality, so if you can't put that aside, please move on to the next thread. My partner and I have been together for 5 years and basically have lived together like a married couple for the past 3.5 years. For the last 3 years, he has wanted little to do with intimacy in any way. We never had a great sexual connection, but it was like one day he just decided for himself that part of our relationship was done. For those of you familiar with the "Five Love Language" books, my love language is "physical touch", so you can imagine how much this bothers me. We are intimate, on average, once every 6 weeks. There have been dry spells lasting months, however. It has been nearly 2 months since we were last intimate. It makes me incredibly mad that when we are intimate, it is always on HIS terms. When I attempt to initiate, I am re-buffed 95% of the time, so I gave up long ago. I have sat him down and had serious conversations multiple times over the last 3 years telling him how much the lack of intimacy between us bothers me, but little changes. When I threatened to move out this past fall, he increased how often he told me he loved me and increased hugs and pecks on the mouth, but that just isn't enough for me. I get hugs and pecks on the mouth from my Grandma...I expect a little more than that from my partner. As each day goes by, I find the lack of cuddling, making out, and other forms of intimacy increasing intolerable. It makes me resent him and act *****y toward him, which likely makes him want to be intimate with me even less. It's a vicious cycle. It seems for whatever reason, he is unwilling or unable to offer these things to me. I feel like I have a roommate, not a boyfriend and I think about leaving all the time. Have you (or someone you know) left a relationship or marriage not because your partner was abusive or lazy or a cheater, but because even though the person was your best friend in the world, there were just no romantic feelings anymore? He's my best friend and maybe if I were older (I'm only 29) that would be enough for me, but at this stage in my life, it's just not. I would really appreciate feedback from people who have been in similar circumstances. I'm sure many of you will suggest joint counseling. I myself have done IC and it was helpful to see that my expectations are not outlandish (as he has told me they are). He scoffed at the idea of joint counseling. He doesn't think there is anything wrong. Also, he had his testosterone level checked last month at my request and it's normal.
That, my friend, IS abusive.
I think since you have done IC and he will not do that or joint counseling, and given your age and the length of the relationship and what he has stated about his limitations, and that you can get what you're getting in the way of affection elsewhere (from Grandma without the scoffing!) it is probably time to go. Whether you want to do this on a trial basis or permanent is debatable. Probably I would see it as a way of gathering more information about the relationship, whether it will effect change. In parenting, they say don't make threats you won't carry out. If you don't move out, then you're setting the stage for the abuse to escalate.
6Likes
Would you stay or would you go? 
