Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends
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Old 02-11-2009, 08:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

My wife and have been married for 27 years, and she claims she never loved me romanticly . We elope due to her father would not give his approval of the marriage, we have six children. I did rush into the marriage by incouraging her to elope, she reminds of that constantly saying she was to young and foolish and that I took advantage of her. Through out the years we struggle to make ends meet, she was home with the children as we had agreed if we had 1 or 6 she would be home with them. I must admit thru my ignorance I wasn't as sensitive to her in a unware way sometimes and she says constantly that we are not compatable and that she don't want to be married to me but I have no choice , because she is a christian and devorce is not a option. I am not sure if I should let her go to find that soulmate she is looking for or just continue dealing with the fact that my wife don't want be married. It is very hard to live with someone you want to be with say that. I love her and I think she has a lot of bitterness built up against me for talking her in to eloping.
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Old 02-12-2009, 09:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

If she does not want you, then let her go.
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Old 02-12-2009, 11:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

well you didnt do bad, if you had 6 children and stayed together 27 yrs. but the call is yours. how happy do you want to be?
i agree with mark, if she doesnt want you, let her go.
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Old 02-18-2009, 07:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

If you are seeking truth, it lies not in the supposed conflict of eloping 27 years ago, but instead, here.

"I must admit (((thru my ignorance))) I wasn't as sensitive to her in a (((unware))) way sometimes ."

This is why your wife doesn't want to be with you romantically.
She has been very kind, probably in effort to spare her children from divorce. I think she deserves to be set free to be loved in the true sense of the word. Love is a verb.
Insensitivity and unaccountability are not loving behaviors.

Last edited by Clare; 02-18-2009 at 08:17 PM.
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Old 02-18-2009, 09:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

Thank you all for your comments, Claire I appreciate your remarks, I realize I am not a sensitive guy, I will endeavor to be sensitive to her. We discuss devorce and separation, I said she can have her freedom and her reply was that she want to stay married but have the freedom to not be submissive to be. She said she is not interested in a romantic relationship with another man, just want time to explore life without be questioning . She said she would be faithful to me, but also noted that if she had and affair then let her have the freedom to learn from her experience. I realize I am the cause of all this thru my insensitivity to her needs. I am guilty of lusting after other women also an she has caught me doing so online. And she forgave me for that however the wound to her is there. Thru this and many other issues will are willing to stay married until the end of our lives for now. This is help for to me to share my life in this wy our family and friends think we have a wonderful marriage.
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Old 02-18-2009, 11:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

That is a huge decision, to stay together even after all that has happened. If you decide to stay together, for whatever the reason, I give you credit for that. No, it will not be easy for you. or her. But i also dont see any reason for it not to work for a while. Since neither you or her are in a hurry to get a divorce, then wait and see what happens. I mean you already got 27 years with her, and 6 kids, what is another year or two?

In the meantime, if you truely love her. Maybe you can use this time, to get to really know her, to show her how much you love her, and rekindle what you had 27 years ago when you all eloped. I dont care how much she is complaining about feeling tricked or taken advantage of now, back then she saw something in you or was attracted on some level (6 times at least) to elope with you in the first place. Women (or girls for that matter) dont just go against their daddys wishes because you forced her too. She had to have some reason besides being young and naive. She might not remember it due to all the other BS that has gotten in the way. But you need to find out what it was she saw in you in the first place and find a way to show her in a new way that you love her and appreciate her and will give her the best for the future time you have with her.

Sure, i can see that after 27 years of marriage, and raising children, she wants to explore life. But cant you do this together? If you support her, going to college classes, workshops, travelling or new hobbies, whatever, maybe even participate in these with her. Both of you might grow together. give up your lust for other women, online and off. (i get the feeling that you didnt actually have sex with another women) so yes, the hurt is there, and you cant change that, but you can make up for it now and in the future by making her feel like you cant live without her, and she is the only, most beautiful, sexy, wonderful, attrative, fun to be with woman you will ever know.

Give it your all in making her know and feel loved. Things might change and if not, divorce is alway an option for a later date. By her telling you she still wants to stay married, you have blessed with the opportunity to show her you love and care for her. I doubt she has a heart of stone, and all those things you do for her might melt the ice off.

You dont mention how things are going now in your house just say that family and friends think you have a wonderful marriage. Is it so terrible in the house? do you fight every day? or are you getting the silent treatment?

I say take the small chance that you have been giving, no matter what the reason is, and find a way to make it work. If it is too late, well, only time will tell.

good luck
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Old 02-19-2009, 12:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you for those remarks I will do my due diligents to show my love to my wife, we get along fine no fights we really don't argue at all . I believe the issue is that our personalities are different meaning she is super sensitive and middle class, college grad and I am not. I urban and didn't finish high school but I have been self employed in Home Renovation and construction management which has allow me to support her and the six children which are doing well in life. She get frustate because I don't speak proper english and constuctive critisism she says is not something I should do to her.She said she shoukld just get loing support, a lot of this comes from her father was very critical and she gives me long lectures if I say any thing critical. We are very intimite sexually and general get along well. We work together in our home renovation business now that the chidren are grown. Just celebrated our 27 anniversity on a getaway to Va. Beach for 3 days . I tell on Feb. 12 she was going so much about she didn't want to be married to be I didn't want get her anthing for Valentine's Day or do anything for our 27 anniversity which is Feb. 15, but I decide to press thru all that negative experience get her a Valentine gift and book a getaway at the Va. Beach which is her favorite place. I love her and thought she deserve it in light all she has gone thru, she had a great time and she said she is looking forward to working even more closer with me in business and socially and as a family.
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Old 02-19-2009, 06:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

samspade-

Forgive me, I don't quite understand. You are friends, and you still have great sex, and she wants to work more closely with you...

So where is the marriage breakdown part?
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Old 02-19-2009, 08:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

The break down is that she think we are not compatable she is very sensitive and I am not.She speaks of holding here self back from being sweeped off here feet with a sensitive guy also someone that speaks her language, whose english she doesn't have correct. One day I read a letter she wrote to her coach at the gym whom she said was so sensitive to women and she wanted to go on a date with him at the park . Once she realized I found it she decided not to give it to him, he is married and is not aware that she was fantasiing about him.Now she says she is done with that type of thing.
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Old 02-19-2009, 08:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by samspade View Post
Now she says she is done with that type of thing.
what sort of thing?
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Old 02-19-2009, 09:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

FLIRTING WITH OTHER GUYS SORRY I didn't make that clear.
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Old 02-19-2009, 09:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

So right now... you guys are having plenty of sex, and you're still friends?
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Old 02-22-2009, 05:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to stay married, but just want to be coexistng as friends

Samspade, it's the whole ying yang thing...

She is a sensitive person, you are not.

My wife is not sensitive I am

Sonny (another poster) is a senesitive guy as well, his wife is not.

Justean is a senestive woman her husband is not.

Snix is a sensitive women her husband/lover is not.

Etc...many examples on this board.

Now, there are some posts around here about some good books for you to tread, go to the Articles section, I know one of the books is the five languages of love. etc.

Some of our marriages are solid, some are not.

I believe it is easier for the sensitive man with the rigid woman, as opposed to the sensitive woman and rigid man, just due to our hormones.

I really think you need to step up your game. If your wife goes elsewhere she will not be happy, neither will you.

Read around to some of our posts on here get an idea of how to be more sensitive and what your wife needs from you.

I actually feel lucky to have a "non-sensitive" wife, I have no need to cuddle after sex....where you need to make the effort.

Ever put rose peddles all over the bed and have candle light sex and mood music? etc??

time to step up the game my friend.
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