For those of you who have left your spouse/partner, how did you do it? Did you give them notice or did you pack up while they were gone? I think it’s kinda dirty to pack up while they are gone and tell them after the fact (if you don’t fear violence), but when I almost moved out last fall, I did give my partner notice the night before. We talked for a couple hours about things, he guilted me into staying, and I lost my resolve. Now, 3 months later, I’m still there and so are all the issues that made me want to leave in the first place (which I enumerated in my post from yesterday “Would you stay or go?”). What are your thoughts?
He'd been telling me he was going to move out. A week before the move, I came home to find him packing up boxes of his things. He said he was moving and did not have to tell me where he was going, that it was none of my business. He did this to threaten/intimidate me (which had become a pattern) but he didn't actually move.
The night before or two nights before he told me he was going to put me in the emergency room. I waited for him to go to work and moved my things out. There was a note. His things were still packed up in the boxes around the house.
I lived with 2 guys a lifetime ago, or so it seems.
#1 - we picked a date for him to move, the day came, and he wouldn't go, so I tossed his 2 garbage bags of clothes out into the snow, and when he went out to get them, I locked the door behind him.
#2 - I pushed to sell the house, then I bought my own house and left. If I hadn't done that, I'm sure he would have been fine livng like two strangers in the same house. Loser. He got really mean at the end, too...reaffirmed my decision to dump his ass.
It was just a sh!tty situation all around; mostly, I'd ignore him or try to make sure I was somewhere else. He was a miserable, old-before-his-time, mean prick. Today, he lives in a tiny apartment alone. Exactly what he deserves.
He was deployed. He came home on leave in April and that's when the spousal rape occurred. I saw him off, went back to therapy,
re-started my work life, talked to my kids, found an apartment, and then notified him about a month before his deployment ended. I'd waited to hear the results of the police report going to the prosecutor's office. His command knew about it, and the cheating/lying/abuse that accompanied and preceded it. I had promised to watch his house during his deployment, so even though I'd moved out, continued to do so, even paid someone to watch my dog and the house while I went camping for a week with kids and friends. TWO days before HE said he'd be back, his COMMANDER called me and said he'd be back the next day. So I hustled the rest of the stuff together and left. A logistical fiasco left my kids' mattresses behind (we'd been camping, and sleeping in our bags, so hadn't needed them...) and stupid me went to lunch with him to get the mattresses back and he turned the charm on and acted all contrite. That lasted another couple months before he went back to being weird again - different manifestations, but still abusive and odd and threatening. He'd wanted me to move back into his house, move the kids and everything, prior to that, but I stayed put. Good thing, the second and final time prior to me filing for divorce, I just asked him to take his few things while I walked the dog and for him to leave. Apartment only has my name on the lease and utilities. Always has. He had full access to and was SUPPOSEDLY in counseling at the time I told him about the police report and me moving out, through my family counselor provided via the deployment cycle support team. If he wasn't in therapy and needlessly suffered due to not being able to cope with a non-combat deployment and his marriage falling apart because of his deceit and criminal actions, that is most definitely not my problem. The help is there for everyone who wants it. I'm a betrayed wife, not a therapist with benefits!
I do not recommend a disappearing act (short of safety concerns). I had a boyfriend do that to me when we were in college.
I came home unexpectedly during the day & discovered most of his things (and some of mine) missing. He came back for another load while I was there to find me throwing what was left out the 3rd floor window.. we then raced to the spare bedroom and I grabbed his brand new surfboard (that I BOUGHT) and held it out the window... he begged me not to drop it, I told him to start explaining WTF was going on and each time he faltered I banged it up & down in the windowsill inflicting severe gashes on each side... He fell to his knees & cried...
I told him he could have it after he paid me back, that he had 2 weeks to make amends for hurting me or that I'd flip the switch & he would lose me forever. He paid me back but did nothing about us.
I kept my promise & headed to the beach for spring break as a single girl... Had one of the BEST weeks of my life... the surf team had a competition on the last weekend & his mates were raving about how much fun all of us had been having & that he was a "barney" for losing a "totally rad & smokin hot betty"... He sat on the beach & cried some more...
I was further down the beach & the guys had to ask me to go talk to him because they needed him to compete... I told them I was sorry but he had brought it on himself & there was nothing I could say or do to make him grow a pair of b*lls... But I did jump in my jeep, cranked the radio & drove all the way home in my bikini with my face in the sunshine. aaahhh.... memories...
Certainly by no means as life shattering as the dissolution of a marriage but still good lesson for how NOT to exit a relationship.
I told my wife in early December that I wanted a separation, and we decided for the sake of the kids that I'd stay till after the holidays. I was fine with that. In January, I raised the issue again, and she had gone into denial about it, since the holidays went "so well". By that point, I had talked to a friend, and arranged a place to stay. It was decided then that I'd stay until after she recovered from some minor surgery at the beginning of February, but I moved into my basement office until then.
Then the Saturday of the long weekend I was moving out, we told the kids. Worst day of my life, I think. I moved out a few loads of stuff the Saturday evening when the kids were in bed. Said goodnight to the kids on Sunday night, loaded the last of my stuff into my car, and it was done.
I have been wondering the same thing. I'd love to hear from people that took the "rip the band-aid off" approach versus those that discussed he possibility of divorce regularly before filing the petition.
Is there a better or worse approach. I know it is over. I'm trying to minimize the emotional reaction from my wife as I hope to minimize the fall-out to my 14 year old child.
I have been wondering the same thing. I'd love to hear from people that took the "rip the band-aid off" approach versus those that discussed he possibility of divorce regularly before filing the petition.
Is there a better or worse approach. I know it is over. .
2x this for me. i would like to know also. i am fast coming to the realization the more that i talk with my parents and others close to me that either we need to be apart and see if we miss each other or if its done. i hate to admit it but i think that i am done and it sucks because she knows there's problems but i am sure doesn't see this coming....
Prior to me telling my wife I wanted a separation, I sat down with her one afternoon when I was working from home and the kids were in school. I dragged the elephant out of the corner of the room, and we acknowledged that there were some serious issues. Even though my mind was mostly (like 90+%) sure a separation/divorce was where I was heading, I suggested counselling. I figured it would give her a chance to adjust to the seriousness of the issues and hopefully help develop her support network. I think it did help with getting her used to the idea that changes were coming over a period of weeks, rather than hours.
I'm in this boat myself. I know something has to be done, but I just know it'll destroy my wife. I've been trying to end it for 3 years now and just get bring myself to it. Usuaully we talk about issues, and nothing is ever resolved. My wife claims she is happy with everything and told em she feels guilty cuz she's happy. My family says I am getting more and more stressed, not myself, etc.
We dont have any children of our own, by my wife's niece (7y/o) lives with us. (together 11 years, married 2) We only have guardianship through court with the children's aid society. (long story short, granny pulled niece from the mother's house -- father had been kicked out by granny a couple years prior -- granny couldnt do it anymore, we were last resort) and my wife didn't even talk to her side of the family prior to talks about us taking her niece.
I feel like I've given my all and more, to live like this but I'm frustrated and pissed off everyday about the situation. I just have the guilt deep inside that I cannot shake.
This morning before I went to work, I contemplated packing a bag and spend the weekend somewhere else. I just know she'll lose it if I do. If I sit down to talk about it, she'll say the right things but nothing will ever change. I guess that's why I don't want to talk to her about it anymore. I figure she just don't care as long as her princess is with her. W won't listen to me talk about work stuff, but I get hours of it everyday about her work. It's not exciting stuff, accounting stuff.
I packed my stuff one morning in an hour, while he was at work. I feared the 'him saying the right words' to make me stay, using the 'the breaking up our family-guilt trip' and 'married in church, we promised' and I had a slight (unbased) fear for aggression/violence. We were like two acquaintances sharing a house and two children. For years I feared my children leaving home to study and marry(currently both at university), because I realised we had nothing, no relationship, no philosophying about life, discussions about literature etc. I needed to grow (study and read, he just stagnated, watching sport. Read books that questions life and the Bible and accepting and selling it as the truth-his ideas changed radical and he is not the same the person I married) No one to understand ME, to be there for ME. 5 languages of love, was alien to him. We had a business arrangement and not a marriage and the sad part is he still don't realise that. In our lives, PBear's elephant was all over the room and he did not see it. I wanted someone I could trust, talk to, be the man. I never had that respect for him because he was actually too dependent on his family and their opinions and what they wanted,came first. Resentment grew like cancer. I told him we needed to build our own family with our traditions and we have to move out from under the proverbial family tree, to exist as our own tree. So I packed my stuff one morning and left the tree. Only when he has someone to love him just the way he is, my guilt would lessen. Posted via Mobile Device
For those of you who have left your spouse/partner, how did you do it? Did you give them notice or did you pack up while they were gone?
I have not left her yet. I did, however, move out a few months ago to take a job in a different state. I brought all my 'personal stuff' with me and everything that is left is either hers or communal property. If I decide to leave her I will simply not move back home when my job is completed. She can keep all the stuff that's in our house. It's only material things that can be replaced and nothing worth fighting for.
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How did you leave? 
