My Husband said it recently and I've read it a lot in different posts on this board.
However, it leaves me to wonder how many ppl are unhappy because they are unhappy with themselves as individuals. And instead of taking time out to work on their inner issue(s), they conveniently blame their unhappiness on their spouse. Because after all, that person no longer makes YOU feel all tingly and fuzzy on the inside! *Rolls eyes!*
I feel my Husband has unfairly made me responsible for HIS happiness (turned unhappiness)! But now that I sit and think, I've never known him to be a happy-go-lucky person. Content maybe.
But it only makes sense to ME, that if you're an unhappy person, being married won't change that! You've just found someone to blame for being what you already were!
I'm not perfect! And YES, I find myself unhappy with MYSELF at times. And sometimes it even makes me feel like I'm unhappy with my marriage. But I never make him responsible for it. Because in the end, I know it's an issue that I need to take up with myself!
Sure, I have issues with my marriage that I'm not happy with. But that doesn't make me unhappy with my marriage overall. I'm willing to work at those issues.
Yes, I want to be a good wife, mother, lover, companion, etc. But I can't be his SOLE source of happiness!
EXACTLY, Runs Like Dog! Whatever happened to being honest and expressing what you feel? Not letting things build up until you feel you can't take it anymore??? We're supposed to be adults! A part of that, is taking accountability for your actions, happiness, mistakes and your marriage! Not pointing the finger because "someone made you unhappy!" What did you do to make YOURSELF happy???
It is because he probably see's things in black in white. There are tons of people out there that see things that way. My STBXW is one of them.
Let me guess, from what you have read his definition of happiness comes from within his partner for anything and everything. This is an impossible expectation and unfortunately what many people feel their partner is suppose to do for them.
It is OK for someone to make you happy, I am not saying that, but it is NOT OK when you are completely responsible for someone else's happiness completely.
Now, he probably see's some negativity, a flaw so to speak with you and since one thing is bad, you are all bad now.
This is just a theory, but see if it hits home. Is there someone else?
You nailed it, Traggy! He's never been settled down. And in my opinion, it seems like he's in search of something... I wish I would've seen it in him beforehand! Everything in our world was fine, until he felt the need to start coming in and out of our home at all times of night.
I WILL NOT deal with such behavior. This issue has single handedly caused an UPROAR in our home! Now, all of a sudden, I don't understand him, my temper is horrible, I don't know how to talk to him... Blah, blah, blah...
The fact is, we're married and coming in after 3:30-4a.m. is a single man's behavior... I never know where he's going or when he's coming back. And the biggest problem, is that he doesn't want to call or text while away from home... He's fine with all of that. I WILL NOT put up with it.
And after realizing it, drum roll............ he's now "unhappy."
I don't know if there's someone else. But he knows me well enough to know that if there is, I better never find out about it!
Going in and out, all hours of the night is really disrespectful.
You can not allow that at all. Your H is not being an H, he is indeed being a child. Most guys go through this, but usually before they have children. Especially guys who's mother took care of everything. I was one of these guys. I did not understand what a relationship was suppose to be at the very beginning of my marriage, but I learned very quickly or I was going to lose my marriage. (I did anyway, but you know.. Hindsight)
That behavior is unacceptable, not calling or texting and being out all hours of the night is not healthy for you at all.
Put a stop to it now. If you have to move on without him, than so be it, but you do not want to live like this for a long time. This will break you.
Words are not going to do anything... You have used words and he is still doing it. Correct? Actions, you have to move out, or tell him to leave. Talk to his parents about his actions. Do something that will make him realize he is losing you.
Do not live your life like this. You really need to see if there is someone else. This stinks of it...
1.) Not calling and texting while out. This shows that he is with someone that he does not want to offend by talking to you.
2.) You do not understand him. Cheaters say this because they feel a connection with someone else who they think understands them and makes them feel loved. aka infatuation
3.) Unhappy. Guess what, its because he is with someone else and can not be happy because his family is in the way.
Cheaters will project their guilt and blame on anything but themselves to validate what they are doing. This really wreaks of what is happening here.
I dunno, my STBXW said that same crap, and in the end, guess what? It was all because of her infidelity.
Traggy you nailed it, again! His mother raised 4 boys! She's tough, but she did EVERYTHING for them! BUT she is fair! She doesn't agree with his behavior. My husband seems to have an issue with female authority! He'll do anything his Father says. His mother - not so much. Me - not so much... Any other woman - definitely not! He's a nice guy. But I really don't believe he was ready for marriage. It happens rarely (him leaving). But enough for me to raise hell (since I've tried talking)... I plan to move out the end of next month. Only because I DON'T think it'll stop. And I'm not going to "okay" it. We have a 15-month old. He's great with her. He's not lazy by any means. It's just this one thing. And honestly, I don't want to imagine what it can lead to. No married man should have that type of freedom!
I will tell you what it means to me when I say "I am unhappy" to my partner. My partner just goes to work and then sits at home. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything and he tries to guilt trip me when I go out and do things without him because I am not content to sit at home like an old person. He seems to be incapable of having a normal interesting conversation about current events or pop culture and would much rather blather for hours in excruciating detail about his day at work. He would rather go upstairs to the bedroom and watch TV rather than watch TV with me in the living room because he wants “alone time” and we don't like the same shows. He doesn’t want to kiss, he doesn’t want to cuddle, he would prefer to be on opposite ends of the couch and he has pretty much said as much. He has little interest in other “acts of intimacy” as well. I think is a normal expectation for your partner to desire to be with you and close to you and to go out and do things…and I don’t think proclaiming that his aversion to these things makes me unhappy should project negatively on me.
ConfusedGuy82... I honestly think you just described an unhappy marriage. I don't think that makes YOU an unhappy person (although it may bring down your mood). I'm speaking in terms of ppl like your partner. He sounds like an unhappy person that probably expected you to make it all better/create a happier version of him. Or, maybe he was the same type of person and you've spent endless time trying to make him see how much life has to offer. Or, maybe he's content with who he is (only you know). But if he ever told you, you make him unhappy you would probably hit the fan as I'm sure you've tried endlessly to no avail to show him what happiness means to you. You just can't make some ppl happy because they don't want to be. Yet, they find comfort in pointing their finger at others. THAT's what I meant.
"But I really don't believe he was ready for marriage. " Add a new child to the mix, and you think he's ready for parenthood, even if you say he is great with her. He better be.. and you say he's a nice guy. But Parenting means a WHOLE lot more than that!
"The fact is, we're married and coming in after 3:30-4a.m. is a single man's behavior... I never know where he's going or when he's coming back.
I don't know if there's someone else."
He may be feeling left behind, may be feeling that while he would love to be a father, loves his daughter, but is not now happy because he is selfish. Period. I'm sure there was a lot of "fun" he and you were having when it was just the two of you. But in the back of your mind, maybe he wasn't ready. He might feel your marriage is now secondary. He might see an opportunity to blow this up, by being an *******, because he's not getting what he wants. And above all he's doing all this so he can "feel" again.
By the way, this was me in my late 20's (first wife). Complete *******. This is unacceptable behavior. While I was fantastic with my daughter, I never truly attempted to continue with the marriage. I saw there was a problem, knew it was me, didn't take the blame, went out drank just to numb myself for what I was doing to my family and to feel like I wanted to selfishly feel, all to a wonderful woman who would have done anything for me.
Sorry, I just re-read that and it was harsh. Maybe it's not all that.
But some things to do are, well what you did as a couple. Date night's, different things (maybe to where the appeal is skewed toward him.) I say that because, if it starts as him thinking,"this is lame." It's hard to continue with those practices. And when those lame evening date adventures happen, that's great! Because you can laugh at that one. And while this is going on, hopefully it will diminish his childhood behavior and during this, work on his disrespectful attitude.
If a person is generally happy but they say they are unhappy, then it means they are not finding fulfillment in the relationship--which is on both of you. If they aren't generally happy, well, it's probably just them.