cdavis, JayB, John, the thing is they may be telling you things like "you have been a good husband" etc, and you have been. It is what she isn't telling you that really matters to her - it is an attraction issue:
I'm sure mine is not, not at least physically. At 34yrs old I'm more fit and 10-15 lbs lighter than after college when we got married, my wife is still pretty but the balance is certainly reversed. Of course there is a lot more to attraction that just physical.
John, I have to say reading this actually scared me for a minute because your post could have been written by my husband, as we are in the exact same situation right now. If it weren't for the proper grammar & spelling, I'd still swear it was him LOL.
First of all, let me agree with some of the other people here - her feelings changing do NOT necessarily mean she is cheating. I can assure you of that. Sure, sometimes things blow up & go crazy, but sometimes relationships just fizzle out & die quietly.
I have been questioning my marriage for the last several years. It was only after I started seeing an individual therapist that I started discussing these things with my husband. Neither of us are "talkers" - we never communicated one way or the other. You can blame this on a lot of things, but basically it's just the way both of us were brought up...you don't talk about feelings, bad times, etc. etc. It's not good, but it's the way it is. And after being like that for so many years, it's hard to truly talk about how you feel, especially when you know it's going to hurt the other person.
So last year, I started telling him that I thought things were bad, tried to let him see what was going on, asked him to go to counseling. But it wasn't until the beginning of this year when I told him NO, SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO SEPARATE that he finally got it into his head how serious the situation was.
We are going to counseling now, but I really don't see myself falling back "in love" with him. I feel like it's just been too long going through the motions & pretending everything was OK and now I don't see how they are supposed to come back just because he desperately doesn't want me to leave. I feel like the counseling & the money discussions & the "well maybe I can live here or you could live there...later" conversations are just stalling tactics & I'm starting to get resentful of everyone trying to change my mind about things.
I am in the same frame of thought as your wife, where I felt ignored & neglected & the love just died away over time. And I have the same problem with my husband blaming himself for all of this - I have tried to reassure him that, sure, it was partly his fault for being like that, but it was also my fault for not communicating what I needed out of the relationship (thus why I started going to therapy on my own). Blame doesn't seem to help at all either way.
Unfortunately, I don't have any big words of wisdom or special insight for you, as someone from the other side of this issue. I can't speak for your wife, but for me all I can say is it SUCKS royally on this end of it, too. I feel guilty for not reciprocating his feelings, horrible that he is trying so hard to "fix" things now & I feel it's too late, like I've failed our marriage of 17 years, worried about this is going to put our 2 kids through, sick about the expense it's going to incur to have 2 sets of living expenses, selfish for trying to put myself first.
But I know if I don't do anything at all, it puts me in the exact position I've been for years - wanting very much to WANT to be in this relationship, but knowing that I'm not. I only wish I would have "ripped the band-aid off" quicker & sooner because it's horrible & painful.
Good luck. Thank goodness for places to go for support like this.
Thanks for posting because it nice to see "the other side". If you have a willing husband and a family together to you see any way you would be willing to give it another chance? I can't get over unwillingness to try.
John, I have to say reading this actually scared me for a minute because your post could have been written by my husband, as we are in the exact same situation right now. If it weren't for the proper grammar & spelling, I'd still swear it was him LOL.
First of all, let me agree with some of the other people here - her feelings changing do NOT necessarily mean she is cheating. I can assure you of that. Sure, sometimes things blow up & go crazy, but sometimes relationships just fizzle out & die quietly.
I have been questioning my marriage for the last several years. It was only after I started seeing an individual therapist that I started discussing these things with my husband. Neither of us are "talkers" - we never communicated one way or the other. You can blame this on a lot of things, but basically it's just the way both of us were brought up...you don't talk about feelings, bad times, etc. etc. It's not good, but it's the way it is. And after being like that for so many years, it's hard to truly talk about how you feel, especially when you know it's going to hurt the other person.
So last year, I started telling him that I thought things were bad, tried to let him see what was going on, asked him to go to counseling. But it wasn't until the beginning of this year when I told him NO, SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO SEPARATE that he finally got it into his head how serious the situation was.We are going to counseling now, but I really don't see myself falling back "in love" with him. I feel like it's just been too long going through the motions & pretending everything was OK and now I don't see how they are supposed to come back just because he desperately doesn't want me to leave. I feel like the counseling & the money discussions & the "well maybe I can live here or you could live there...later" conversations are just stalling tactics & I'm starting to get resentful of everyone trying to change my mind about things.I am in the same frame of thought as your wife, where I felt ignored & neglected & the love just died away over time. And I have the same problem with my husband blaming himself for all of this - I have tried to reassure him that, sure, it was partly his fault for being like that, but it was also my fault for not communicating what I needed out of the relationship (thus why I started going to therapy on my own). Blame doesn't seem to help at all either way.Unfortunately, I don't have any big words of wisdom or special insight for you, as someone from the other side of this issue. I can't speak for your wife, but for me all I can say is it SUCKS royally on this end of it, too. I feel guilty for not reciprocating his feelings, horrible that he is trying so hard to "fix" things now & I feel it's too late, like I've failed our marriage of 17 years, worried about this is going to put our 2 kids through, sick about the expense it's going to incur to have 2 sets of living expenses, selfish for trying to put myself first.
But I know if I don't do anything at all, it puts me in the exact position I've been for years - wanting very much to WANT to be in this relationship, but knowing that I'm not. I only wish I would have "ripped the band-aid off" quicker & sooner because it's horrible & painful.Good luck. Thank goodness for places to go for support like this.
Wow, the bolded areas are my W.
Almost exactly.
It's not fair. For me/us/our children
I can change. She will see.
What could your husband do to provide any spark in your thinking? Divorcing you and moving onto a next relationship? You, moving onto your next relationships?
Would just giving you more time change your decision?
Thanks for posting because it nice to see "the other side". If you have a willing husband and a family together to you see any way you would be willing to give it another chance? I can't get over unwillingness to try.
Here too. Because, it's almost like us and the children are willing to fight for the other spouse to remain and be willing to be loved again, forgiven, appreciated, etc.
cdavis, JayB, John, the thing is they may be telling you things like "you have been a good husband" etc, and you have been. It is what she isn't telling you that really matters to her - it is an attraction issue: being a good father, attentive father, dutiful partner isn't what gets her wet (sorry if that sounds vulgar, but I find it much more offensive when a spouse walks away from someone that hasn't done anything wrong other than not being able to read her mind or pick up on language that isn't even in our vocabulary).
So while your "beta" qualities may be a contributing factor, (they certainly are preventing her from wanting to have coitus with you)it is HER IMMATURITY, LACK OF COMMITTMENT AND WEAK-MINDEDNESS that has made her decide to start fresh with someone new and different to her (which is the sole reason one person chooses to divorce, even if they have never even adulterated).
Could you have done it differently, change yourself to make yourself more attractive to you, yes... would it change who she is from a person willing to just up and leave based purely on her emotions into someone willing to stick it through: no not at all, SHE JUST ISN'T A LOYAL WOMAN, she already got what she needed from you, biologically speaking, now she is looking to repeat the cycle.
I am in an extremely similar same situation to John's (see post above).
Lon, as the woman on the other side of this situation, I feel your comments are a bit over the line. Sure, in some respects they are "correct," but to call someone IMMATURE, WEAK-MINDED and DISLOYAL because their feelings have changed is quite harsh. Granted, we are trying to console the man in this situation, so perhaps it's what he might want to hear, but it's not very fair to the other party.
Yes, the attraction factor is gone in my marriage. That came after years of feeling lonely, alone and depressed about being in it. It took this long for me to tell my husband what I'm feeling BECAUSE I didn't want to "just up and leave." But to say you shouldn't base that decision "purely on emotion"...?? Umm, emotion is all there is in a relationship, kind sir. It's what starts it, what keeps it together and eventually can possibly pull it apart.
I have held on this long because of the kids, the finances, the chance somehow I (or my husband) would change & make me feel more attracted to him. Now the only decision left is an emotional one. So I'm just supposed to stay with him forever, even though I don't feel that way towards him anymore? It's not like I WANT to give up on a relationship of 20 years, but I'm supposed to hang onto it anyway, just because it's been that long? How is that fair to him, to be with someone who can't reciprocate those feelings?
Sorry for being an "emotional" woman. Lord forbid I have feelings & needs & not only want them to be met, but to be in a relationship where I can have the desire to fulfill those things for the other person. But you're saying I should just "stick it through" because...I have no idea what your justification is for that...because that's what you're "supposed to do"? It would be better if I just had an affair & then "proved" that I really didn't want to be in this relationship anymore? I sure don't see how that would help things, either. As far as your thinking goes, I've "got what I wanted & I'm ready to repeat the cycle." To be polite, let's just say this is an unjust assumption.
I have asked my husband for a separation, not because I am weak and immature...but because I feel I have been weak & immature up to this point to NOT express my dissatisfaction with the situation & feel it is pointless to keep pretending there is nothing wrong. I do hope that the time apart will make me feel what I have been missing with him...but right now, it is very early in this process for me, so I don't have a lot of hope for that. Things could change either way, I can't predict the future. I certainly didn't predict I'd be in this situation after being married for 17 years. But I also don't want to give him false hope right now, when I can't return those feelings. I really feel we need to be apart to either see what we're missing or decide it's truly over.
Sure, I needed to communicate better as to what I needed...I have admitted that to him. That doesn't change the fact that I have felt like this for several years & now I'm supposed to do a 180 & say hey, everything's great now that he finally is aware of what I'm trying to tell him?
None of this easy for anyone on any side. I'm sorry if I was overly defensive in my reply to you, but your comments hit me as very judgmental and biased to one side of the situation. There are always two sides of the story and you can never know fully what goes on in someone else's relationship. I'm thankful for places like this to discuss these things.
What could your husband do to provide any spark in your thinking? Divorcing you and moving onto a next relationship? You, moving onto your next relationships?
Would just giving you more time change your decision?
I just don't know what he could do to change my mind. Right now, here today, I don't think it's going to change. I am trying to stay open-minded about it & hope it could change, but I think the only way to really know for sure is to separate.
You are also like my husband, saying "I can change. She will see." I feel a lot of guilt when he says things like that to me. It's not like I wanted or planned to "fall out of love." I understand that he wants to fix things, but I'm afraid that it's past that point. I feel bad saying that to him, but I don't want to keep giving him false hope that everything's going to be OK. It also makes me feel like there's a deadline like, if I'm not back in love with you by May, then I'm right and you're wrong. I know that's completely irrational, but it's just a pressure added to the pain of everything else.
I do think time is the only thing that's going to work. I don't feel that time should be spent living together, pretending it's all going to come out fine. He's afraid that I will move out & be happier & find someone else. I've had to tell him that is a real possibility. It TOTALLY SUCKS. I don't want to hurt his feelings. But ignoring my own feelings is making me increasingly depressed & resentful & that can't be good for anyone involved.
I wish I had an answer that makes everyone happy. But since we're both in different places with the relationship, there's going to be someone that's unhappy. Just understand that if your wife might be a lot like me - absolutely nothing about this makes her HAPPY, but she's also not happy way things are, so they have to change. Can the change be done while you're still together? I don't know...how could you change things deep down, when nothing is changing on the surface? The alternative is just staying together & being unhappy until eventually you're also unhappy & then things get REALLY ugly.
I just don't know what he could do to change my mind. Right now, here today, I don't think it's going to change. I am trying to stay open-minded about it & hope it could change, but I think the only way to really know for sure is to separate.
You are also like my husband, saying "I can change. She will see." I feel a lot of guilt when he says things like that to me. It's not like I wanted or planned to "fall out of love." I understand that he wants to fix things, but I'm afraid that it's past that point. I feel bad saying that to him, but I don't want to keep giving him false hope that everything's going to be OK. It also makes me feel like there's a deadline like, if I'm not back in love with you by May, then I'm right and you're wrong. I know that's completely irrational, but it's just a pressure added to the pain of everything else.
I do think time is the only thing that's going to work. I don't feel that time should be spent living together, pretending it's all going to come out fine. He's afraid that I will move out & be happier & find someone else. I've had to tell him that is a real possibility. It TOTALLY SUCKS. I don't want to hurt his feelings. But ignoring my own feelings is making me increasingly depressed & resentful & that can't be good for anyone involved.
I wish I had an answer that makes everyone happy. But since we're both in different places with the relationship, there's going to be someone that's unhappy. Just understand that if your wife might be a lot like me - absolutely nothing about this makes her HAPPY, but she's also not happy way things are, so they have to change. Can the change be done while you're still together? I don't know...how could you change things deep down, when nothing is changing on the surface? The alternative is just staying together & being unhappy until eventually you're also unhappy & then things get REALLY ugly.
You sound "exactly" like my wife! I've heard a lot of the same things. I think the problem in my situation is I don't feel like just moving out separably will fix things, because to do that there will be a major fight over custody and money... that would be bad enough to never be able to work things out.
I just don't know what he could do to change my mind. Right now, here today, I don't think it's going to change. I am trying to stay open-minded about it & hope it could change, but I think the only way to really know for sure is to separate.
You are also like my husband, saying "I can change. She will see." I feel a lot of guilt when he says things like that to me. It's not like I wanted or planned to "fall out of love." I understand that he wants to fix things, but I'm afraid that it's past that point. I feel bad saying that to him, but I don't want to keep giving him false hope that everything's going to be OK. It also makes me feel like there's a deadline like, if I'm not back in love with you by May, then I'm right and you're wrong. I know that's completely irrational, but it's just a pressure added to the pain of everything else.
I do think time is the only thing that's going to work. I don't feel that time should be spent living together, pretending it's all going to come out fine. He's afraid that I will move out & be happier & find someone else. I've had to tell him that is a real possibility. It TOTALLY SUCKS. I don't want to hurt his feelings. But ignoring my own feelings is making me increasingly depressed & resentful & that can't be good for anyone involved.
I wish I had an answer that makes everyone happy. But since we're both in different places with the relationship, there's going to be someone that's unhappy. Just understand that if your wife might be a lot like me - absolutely nothing about this makes her HAPPY, but she's also not happy way things are, so they have to change. Can the change be done while you're still together? I don't know...how could you change things deep down, when nothing is changing on the surface? The alternative is just staying together & being unhappy until eventually you're also unhappy & then things get REALLY ugly.
We've been separated for 9 months. D is on hold for 2 months and then we have to decide whether to proceed. I think my wife felt the pressure with deadlines, expiring leases, etc. OK fine. Let's just stay separated.
And, I don't talk about changing. I do it. However, I did mention that someone will benefit from my chnages. Either her (current W) or my next W. Already lost 20 pounds, people are complimenting me, noticing, etc. And I'm only on my 4th week. What I have been doing is going the extra mile in my actions on a consistent basis that may cause her to look at me in a different way. I've stop the pursual. She mentioned in MC being so tired of seeing me emotional because it stirs up her guilt. So, no emotions from me, except joyful, upbeat, etc.
One thing that I feared was the D date. I thought, well, that's it, final. However, I let go of that. Because, my W told me that our lives will go on after any D date. And, she, said there's always a possibility we could R after the D.
However, I understand her doubts. and, I understand that she may wish to proceed leaving even with doubts and regrets. Those may not be catalysts to change her mind.
What you and her (my W) may not want to hear, is that, if you are determined to leave, move on, then make that clear every conversation, and every exchange with us blockheads. Continually remind us that you want out, there is no hope, to move on. Because, despite being hurt, it may cause us to get over you and to heal faster than for us to analyze every action around you. In other words, be a *****. Convince us that we really are better off without you, and eventually, sooner, we will begin to believe it and act accordingly, and then turn hard as stone around you.
I just don't know what he could do to change my mind. Right now, here today, I don't think it's going to change. I am trying to stay open-minded about it & hope it could change, but I think the only way to really know for sure is to separate.You are also like my husband, saying "I can change. She will see." I feel a lot of guilt when he says things like that to me. It's not like I wanted or planned to "fall out of love." I understand that he wants to fix things, but I'm afraid that it's past that point. I feel bad saying that to him, but I don't want to keep giving him false hope that everything's going to be OK. It also makes me feel like there's a deadline like, if I'm not back in love with you by May, then I'm right and you're wrong. I know that's completely irrational, but it's just a pressure added to the pain of everything else.
I do think time is the only thing that's going to work. I don't feel that time should be spent living together, pretending it's all going to come out fine. He's afraid that I will move out & be happier & find someone else. I've had to tell him that is a real possibility. It TOTALLY SUCKS. I don't want to hurt his feelings. But ignoring my own feelings is making me increasingly depressed & resentful & that can't be good for anyone involved.
I wish I had an answer that makes everyone happy. But since we're both in different places with the relationship, there's going to be someone that's unhappy. Just understand that if your wife might be a lot like me - absolutely nothing about this makes her HAPPY, but she's also not happy way things are, so they have to change. Can the change be done while you're still together? I don't know...how could you change things deep down, when nothing is changing on the surface? The alternative is just staying together & being unhappy until eventually you're also unhappy & then things get REALLY ugly.
Also, I'm beginning to think separation (over 6 months) meansno chance at R and moving back. Just file for D. Don't string it out any longer.
What you and her (my W) may not want to hear, is that, if you are determined to leave, move on, then make that clear every conversation, and every exchange with us blockheads. Continually remind us that you want out, there is no hope, to move on. Because, despite being hurt, it may cause us to get over you and to heal faster than for us to analyze every action around you. In other words, be a *****. Convince us that we really are better off without you, and eventually, sooner, we will begin to believe it and act accordingly, and then turn hard as stone around you.
You're absolutely right about that, Jay. I'm spending so much time trying not to hurt him, that I'm making it worse, I'm sure. I guess I'm in denial about that. There's NO way to make it any easier, no matter what.
The "us blockheads" part made me laugh, because in MC last week I had said that I'm trying to be more open about the communication but every time I bring something up (like looking for an apartment, etc.), he acts surprised & like this is the first time he's hearing it & I feel like I'm starting from the beginning all over again. It's horrible & painful to do it once, I certainly don't want to be doing it over & over like Groundhog Day. The MC reiterated the "Men from Mars/Women from Venus" thing saying that unfortunately guys don't think the same way as girls...with guys, it's like if nothing's said then everything's OK, so it IS sort of a surprise again to him every time. Plus, he doesn't want this to happen, so it's understandable that he doesn't want to deal with it.
It's so hard to just be an a****** though! Not that I'm sweet & perfect, I can certainly have my b**** moments, but even though I don't feel "wifely" towards him, I've been with him for a long time & I do care about how he feels & how he feels towards me. I don't want to hurt him. But as you said, it's better to just do it & get it over with than drag it out until we both hate each other irrevocably.
I'm sorry for talking so much on your post, John LOL. I hope you can see that your wife is (probably) not just an evil, uncaring person. This is really, really, REALLY hard for us, too. Am I making a mistake? I don't know. Maybe. But I feel like separating is the best thing for my situation right now. Maybe I'll realize it was a horrible mistake. Maybe I won't & I'll move on & find someone else. I need to know, or I will regret more having done NOTHING than admitting a mistake or being happy that I changed.
I am in an extremely similar same situation to John's (see post above).
Lon, as the woman on the other side of this situation, I feel your comments are a bit over the line. Sure, in some respects they are "correct," but to call someone IMMATURE, WEAK-MINDED and DISLOYAL because their feelings have changed is quite harsh. Granted, we are trying to console the man in this situation, so perhaps it's what he might want to hear, but it's not very fair to the other party.
Yes, the attraction factor is gone in my marriage. That came after years of feeling lonely, alone and depressed about being in it. It took this long for me to tell my husband what I'm feeling BECAUSE I didn't want to "just up and leave." But to say you shouldn't base that decision "purely on emotion"...?? Umm, emotion is all there is in a relationship, kind sir. It's what starts it, what keeps it together and eventually can possibly pull it apart.
I have held on this long because of the kids, the finances, the chance somehow I (or my husband) would change & make me feel more attracted to him. Now the only decision left is an emotional one. So I'm just supposed to stay with him forever, even though I don't feel that way towards him anymore? It's not like I WANT to give up on a relationship of 20 years, but I'm supposed to hang onto it anyway, just because it's been that long? How is that fair to him, to be with someone who can't reciprocate those feelings?
Sorry for being an "emotional" woman. Lord forbid I have feelings & needs & not only want them to be met, but to be in a relationship where I can have the desire to fulfill those things for the other person. But you're saying I should just "stick it through" because...I have no idea what your justification is for that...because that's what you're "supposed to do"? It would be better if I just had an affair & then "proved" that I really didn't want to be in this relationship anymore? I sure don't see how that would help things, either. As far as your thinking goes, I've "got what I wanted & I'm ready to repeat the cycle." To be polite, let's just say this is an unjust assumption.
I have asked my husband for a separation, not because I am weak and immature...but because I feel I have been weak & immature up to this point to NOT express my dissatisfaction with the situation & feel it is pointless to keep pretending there is nothing wrong. I do hope that the time apart will make me feel what I have been missing with him...but right now, it is very early in this process for me, so I don't have a lot of hope for that. Things could change either way, I can't predict the future. I certainly didn't predict I'd be in this situation after being married for 17 years. But I also don't want to give him false hope right now, when I can't return those feelings. I really feel we need to be apart to either see what we're missing or decide it's truly over.
Sure, I needed to communicate better as to what I needed...I have admitted that to him. That doesn't change the fact that I have felt like this for several years & now I'm supposed to do a 180 & say hey, everything's great now that he finally is aware of what I'm trying to tell him?
None of this easy for anyone on any side. I'm sorry if I was overly defensive in my reply to you, but your comments hit me as very judgmental and biased to one side of the situation. There are always two sides of the story and you can never know fully what goes on in someone else's relationship. I'm thankful for places like this to discuss these things.
It's not that her feelings have changed that makes her weak, immature and disloyal, its why and how she chooses to deal with it, so my comments may sound harsh but they are nothing compared to the harsh devastation a left-behind spouse goes through, especially one as John, who seems genuine in his willingness to work through this, who wants to learn how to meet his W's needs who has simply not been given the right key nor the path to find it yet, and who has seemingly not been abusive, mean or unkind (though acknowledges, be it true or not, that he was negligent in not nurturing his marriage the way he needed to).
The attraction factor is important, but like basing everything on pure emotion is unstable and can change, attraction can come and go. The thing is one person is NEVER responsible for another's emotions, and thinking that being with someone or without them can make you happy is a failing strategy... We all have emotional needs, and never be sorry for being an emotional person - that is part of why men love women, it is when one is not willing or able to meet those emotional needs and when both people are no longer invested in doing so that divorce becomes a reasonable option.
Having sympathy for John's W is doing a disservice to him, he is on here looking for answers, he is still invested in his marrriage, just as your H probably is, or maybe isn't I don't know, he isn't on here asking questions - if your H is checked out too then yes you are both harming each other by wasting each others time, but if your H is trying to be a good H in the only way he knows and loves you, then the reason its not working all this time is because you are spending all your thoughts looking for a way out - if you are really done with him then stop stringing him along, there is no way to do it nicely you will kill a part of him inside you, but since you are unwilling to find your happpiness wile being married to him that is what you need to do. If you are done the longer you stay there the longer you are denying him his happiness too.
I may seem judgemental, but its because I so strongly believe that when both spouses want their marriage to work it will and I hate seeing people being dishonest to themselves about it - as for you snick, if your H is being the dishonest one then you shouldn't even hesitate, serve him with divorce papers, if he truly is blindsided and repentent he will change his way quickly and since you've already waited so long there shouldn't be a lot of finality over this until you both agree it is best.
I just don't know what he could do to change my mind. Right now, here today, I don't think it's going to change. I am trying to stay open-minded about it & hope it could change, but I think the only way to really know for sure is to separate.
You are also like my husband, saying "I can change. She will see." I feel a lot of guilt when he says things like that to me. It's not like I wanted or planned to "fall out of love." I understand that he wants to fix things, but I'm afraid that it's past that point. I feel bad saying that to him, but I don't want to keep giving him false hope that everything's going to be OK. It also makes me feel like there's a deadline like, if I'm not back in love with you by May, then I'm right and you're wrong. I know that's completely irrational, but it's just a pressure added to the pain of everything else.
I do think time is the only thing that's going to work. I don't feel that time should be spent living together, pretending it's all going to come out fine. He's afraid that I will move out & be happier & find someone else. I've had to tell him that is a real possibility. It TOTALLY SUCKS. I don't want to hurt his feelings. But ignoring my own feelings is making me increasingly depressed & resentful & that can't be good for anyone involved.
I wish I had an answer that makes everyone happy. But since we're both in different places with the relationship, there's going to be someone that's unhappy. Just understand that if your wife might be a lot like me - absolutely nothing about this makes her HAPPY, but she's also not happy way things are, so they have to change. Can the change be done while you're still together? I don't know...how could you change things deep down, when nothing is changing on the surface? The alternative is just staying together & being unhappy until eventually you're also unhappy & then things get REALLY ugly.
Quote:
Just understand that if your wife might be a lot like me - absolutely nothing about this makes her HAPPY, but she's also not happy way things are, so they have to change
Listen OP , pls understand right now unlike you & your kids she isn't interested in what is best for your faimly unit so dont waste your time hoping that your dedication & love will make her heartl melt .It doesn't happen rarely happens .
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He's afraid that I will move out & be happier & find someone else. I've had to tell him that is a real possibility...
snick369 , looks like you have already made up mind & deep down you dont want it work , so I think you should just let him know in no certain terms that you dont love him , never did & you are not attracted to him at all & he is not the one you want as a partner .
Just make sure next time dont marry some one whom you dont love .
Actually what you & OP's wife are going through is typical walk away syndrome & you might not believe it but when you describe your feelings it as if you are reading the same familiar script we get to hear more often .
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around, "I don't feel in love, and I don't know if I ever will with you."
Aren't feelings the result of actions?
Sometimes, I don't feel like going to work. But, out of obligation, etc., I go. Eventually, things occur, I work, and at the end of the day, I feel productive and happy.
So, why not go through the motions, to get a feeling? Even any feeling? Is it out of fear that some refuse to fall for their spouse again?
Apologies if this comes off as trite or even harsh, but if you will, imagine a marriage/relationship as a living entity, maybe a flower or a plant. It needs to be fed and watered. It needs to be given plenty of sunshine. It needs to be cared for. Stop doing those things, and it starts to die. If you're lucky, you see it dying in time to reverse course and nurse it back to life.
But once it's dead, you can't bring it back, no matter how much TLC you invest after the fact. Dead is dead. And you shouldn't blame the plant for not coming back to life now that you've decided you care enough to give it what it needs.
My sympathies go out to all sides in situations like this. I doubt very much these wives chose for their relationships to go in this direction. And I doubt their husbands knowingly let things get to this point. Posted via Mobile Device
Apologies if this comes off as trite or even harsh, but if you will, imagine a marriage/relationship as a living entity, maybe a flower or a plant. It needs to be fed and watered. It needs to be given plenty of sunshine. It needs to be cared for. Stop doing those things, and it starts to die. If you're lucky, you see it dying in time to reverse course and nurse it back to life.
But once it's dead, you can't bring it back, no matter how much TLC you invest after the fact. Dead is dead. And you shouldn't blame the plant for not coming back to life now that you've decided you care enough to give it what it needs.
My sympathies go out to all sides in situations like this. I doubt very much these wives chose for their relationships to go in this direction. And I doubt their husbands knowingly let things get to this point.Posted via Mobile Device
But, we are dealing with 2 people who can actively choose to bring life to it, or grow to something else. It's not like we don't have a choice and when neither nutures the relationship, we can't repair it.
It comes down to willingness, trust, beliefs, obligations, support, etc.
Some refuse. It's a choice they make. That doesn't mean they can't return and choose to grow it again.
I realize it takes 2 partners. I also realize that the actions/reactions of 1 partner, strongly influences the responses of the other. And this cycle continues over time. And feelings are a by-product.
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Re: Wife says she is done 
