snick369 , looks like you have already made up mind & deep down you dont want it work , so I think you should just let him know in no certain terms that you dont love him , never did & you are not attracted to him at all & he is not the one you want as a partner .
Just make sure next time dont marry some one whom you dont love .
Actually what you & OP's wife are going through is typical walk away syndrome & you might not believe it but when you describe your feelings it as if you are reading the same familiar script we get to hear more often .
Bestplayer: "never did" love him is not the truth. I wish it were, it would be so much easier for both of us...just say hey, this was doomed from the beginning, we should have cut & run long ago. But we have 2 kids & have been together for a long time, there definitely was attraction & spark & partnership. Over the years with kids, work, other issues, blah, blah, blah (the usual stuff), we stopped working on our relationship & basically became roommates.
I did marry someone I loved very much & thought I'd be with forever, I really did. Unfortunately, what was felt 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago is not the same. And that's why I'm trying to give it a chance, participating in MC, trying not to close myself off emotionally. The worry I have that it's beyond repair, I suppose, is a post for another thread. "How do you fall back in love, once you've convinced yourself it's over?" I'm sure I can search and find a similar conversation.
For some reason the "Walk Away Wife" thing sticks in my craw. I did read it & I do see myself in that, very much. Perhaps the delivery of the information is what is rubbing me the wrong way. I feel that it's saying women sit around waiting to do this & we're all the same & eventually all us crazy b****es are going to do this to a man. Or perhaps I'm just overly sensitive.
But I definitely don't understand why it's completely geared towards a "woman's problem"...I'm sure a lot of guys do the same thing, if they are not satisfied with their marriage. Differenc is, they are typically the breadwinners in the family, so if they feel they're done, they can just go...they don't have to wait until kids graduate, etc.
If a guy wants his relationship to be over, he can just leave - as long as he spends some time with the kids now & then and sends money to keep the family in food, clothing & shelter, society is satisfied. If a woman wants her relationship to be over, she's seen as this horrible Mom who is abandoning her family or leaving them without a Dad & she must have been planning this all along & must be cheating on him & is just going to do this to the next poor guy.
The paragraph above, of course, is a gross generalization and should be read with tongue in cheek LOL
And that's why I'm trying to give it a chance, participating in MC, trying not to close myself off emotionally. The worry I have that it's beyond repair, I suppose, is a post for another thread. "How do you fall back in love, once you've convinced yourself it's over?"
Just going and talking isn't giving it a chance - you are going there expecting your H to say something to change you of your conviction. Nobody can convince you that it's not over, only you can by simply saying "ok this (find one thing) is one thing that is good it will be a starting point to build this back up" but as long as you keep yourself shut emotionally he has no chance at getting through to you.
What hurts me to read your words is they are the same words a cheater uses except when a cheater is in an affair it is always the fog that makes them so convinced, as you are not in an affair it doesn't make sense that you would be so on the fence, unless of course there is something else fogging your vision. If so, your goal in MC (and/or IC) is to cut through whatever is preventing you from so clearly being able to see what you need and want... So give him a chance, tell him what you need and if he atleast tries then you have a real chance to grow past all this, even if he tries and fails, because there is always room to grow.
If he doesn't try, and you find clarity, then it becomes an easy decision even if it is not the same thing as what he wants. If you are honest with yourself there is no reason for hesitation.
Oh and BTW, walkaway wife is a harsh sounding term, because it is so accurate (and doesn't just universally apply to any marriage that fails because the W is the one that leaves or wants the D) There are equivalent terms for men who abandon their marriages too: @ssholes... sometimes the word narcissist will also do.
I think it's good if you go into MC with an open mind to work on yourself to improve the M.
Don't go into it like my W did. She went to MC in order to support me going through this difficult, emotional time, while her mind had already been made up.
The 3 times we went, I always questioned her motives. Was she really going with an open mind, like she originally said she would, or was she already checked out, just going through the motions?
Unfortunately, it was the latter. Now, I'm set back somewhat because, I believe there's some hope, but I just don't know how to spark it. She said she's done and that may be this moment.
That being said, I'm working on me for me, and expecting the worst. I cannot be so heartbroken by her again.
as you are not in an affair it doesn't make sense that you would be so on the fence, unless of course there is something else fogging your vision. If so, your goal in MC (and/or IC) is to cut through whatever is preventing you from so clearly being able to see what you need and want... So give him a chance, tell him what you need and if he atleast tries then you have a real chance to grow past all this, even if he tries and fails, because there is always room to grow.
I am starting back with IC to see what is causing my "fog" - as advised by the MC. IC is what brought the unhappiness in my marriage to light & I started talking to him about the things I needed & that we needed to do...but he never took them as a serious threat to our marriage, even though I told him we were on the brink of separation & asked him to go to MC and/or to a marriage workshop weekend (denial? man's way of thinking? my poor communication? who knows). That was a year ago, and since nothing but surface changes were made, now he has finally agreed to MC & wants to fix everything, after I've said it's time to separate, for real. A year is a long time to feel unheard, in that time I made the decision in my head, I guess, that he's never going to hear me & I need to go. But I'm trying really hard to open back up. Not sure what it will take to feel more positive about that.
Looks like it's time to leave the relationship issues with the MC now & move IC into deeper territory, to see what is causing my ambivalence. Fear of failure? Clinical depression? Is the marriage really the root of the problem, or is it coming from somewhere else? Guess that's what I need to find out.
snick, I guarantee when you drop the D word on him (and not just saying it but by taking action) he will realize the seriousness of the threat - I am just hoping you can stay open-minded and open-hearted with him until he gets past that point.
My ex was trying to address the same issues as you, and I knew it was important but I didn't really realize they were dealbreakers, and I didn't know what to do about this, so in typical male fashion I tried to keep everything settled, afraid to stir the pot for fear I would do something destructive, not really capable of understanding my lack of action was more harmful. It was when she said she was moving out, and did in fact start staying at a friends house that I realized this was very likely the end, but I went into survival mode... I was spurred into action, and the frustrating thing is the changes she wanted to see in me I had to make happen for myself regardless of whether or not she stayed.
Every time I see a story of a marriage ending this way, just like I see in yours it makes me sad, angry and heartbroken to know how close it was to being solvable, especially when it has not all been tainted with infidelity and other disloyal choices, but by the time the H took action the W was just out the door, not looking back.
What I so hope can happen for you is to have just a little more patience, risk opening your heart up to your H, and showing him through actions (start the divorce paperwork and lining up your exit strategy) that you value your short time on this world and deserve to have the things you need, being deliberate and working on finding clarity and ways to get through to him. Start walking out the door but do it loudly, don't sneak and remember to keep looking back for the man you fell in love with.
snick, I guarantee when you drop the D word on him (and not just saying it but by taking action) he will realize the seriousness of the threat - I am just hoping you can stay open-minded and open-hearted with him until he gets past that point.
My ex was trying to address the same issues as you, and I knew it was important but I didn't really realize they were dealbreakers, and I didn't know what to do about this, so in typical male fashion I tried to keep everything settled, afraid to stir the pot for fear I would do something destructive, not really capable of understanding my lack of action was more harmful. It was when she said she was moving out, and did in fact start staying at a friends house that I realized this was very likely the end, but I went into survival mode... I was spurred into action, and the frustrating thing is the changes she wanted to see in me I had to make happen for myself regardless of whether or not she stayed.
Every time I see a story of a marriage ending this way, just like I see in yours it makes me sad, angry and heartbroken to know how close it was to being solvable, especially when it has not all been tainted with infidelity and other disloyal choices, but by the time the H took action the W was just out the door, not looking back.
What I so hope can happen for you is to have just a little more patience, risk opening your heart up to your H, and showing him through actions (start the divorce paperwork and lining up your exit strategy) that you value your short time on this world and deserve to have the things you need, being deliberate and working on finding clarity and ways to get through to him. Start walking out the door but do it loudly, don't sneak and remember to keep looking back for the man you fell in love with.
That's all I'm asking of my wife right now. But, I don't know how to approach "gauging" where she's at a week after giving up on MC.
I don't think it is really our job to gauge them, just go about living the right way and leaving the door to our heart open for them... until it is really time to close it (after they no longer want in), the catch is that you can't know if there are even on the threshold unless you open it to look.
It is different direction of flow for the one choosing to leave then the one left behind, so for the one leaving with a closed heart, go ahead and start the divorce process, show them that you don't want to be an option, that you will respectfully take care of your own needs, and just allow life to unfold, but if you hear a knock for pete's sake open it up, no need to deliberately make this a tragedy.
Just love this line. That's all I ask, but I don't think I'm going to get it.
Yeah, I didn't get a glance either, it really is heartbreaking, it is sad and difficult enough while dating and building a relationship but is quite cruel and devastating after marriage vows, especially when, as in most divorces, it is not a mutual choice.
As a spouse with a neglectful husband I disagree with the posters who believe there is another man. What gets me about your post-and I'm not trying to be mean-is that you admit that you didn't help and that you neglected her, but its her fault for not telling you. Why should she have to? Why should she only get help and respect when she asks for it? You are not a child and you shouldn't have to be told to pick up your things, or do the dishes, or whatever it is that needed to be done. Clearly there was miscommunication on both sides, but do NOT blame her because you were being inconsiderate.
Is she willing to try MC?
I would have to agree. I am done and there is not another man in my life. The only difference is that i have talked to my husband and nothing ever changed.
I would have to agree. I am done and there is not another man in my life. The only difference is that i have talked to my husband and nothing ever changed.
I'm so sorry for your situation. I wish to God that my wife would have talked to me before she said, goodbye, no chance left.
Starting to get a little bitter. Maybe that's natural. Despite being on my best behavior for the past 2 weeks (that's not an act, mind you, that is the beginning of a permanent change for the better), communication with my W has gotten worse. She doesn't initiate any conversations. When I ask her a question, she answers in the shortest way possible. She clearly avoids me.
Tomorrow, we are supposed to sit down and talk about how to split things up during separation/divorce. That's a nightmare conversation for me, but I'm willing to have it b/c I recognize where she is and want to plan for that likely event in the smartest way possible. I asked her if she wanted to see a movie afterwards as a diversion from all of the crap and she said she wanted to see the movie, was willing to go with me, but didn't want me to get the wrong idea. I wanted to say don't do me any favors; you have been a real b***h to me these past couple of weeks, I don't think I'll get the wrong idea. On the other hand, I do relish some "normal" moments with her -- in a sense that is what I miss the most; unforced conversations, doing things together, being around each other without feeling awkward. I guess that is really gone.
Keep your cool through meeting. Reality of it will start to hit more and more for her. I think its a opportunity for you if you handle it cool. I would not low ball, try to be fair and offer choices for her whenever possible on what to split.
Yes, the best play is to concentrate on self improvement during the type separated. Rather than spinning emotionally out of control into anger and blame, focus on yourself for a while. Do what you can to examine your own role in the situation, and share what you come up with.
Damn. Take the kids out of this whole thread and this is my story to the T with John and Jayb playing my part and snick playing my wife.
This thread has been most enlightening. My marriage is already at the separation point (has been for about a month) but what snick has said really rings true as to my wifes behavior. She doesn't want to hurt me, she still "cares" for me so thats why she never brought anything up until it was too late. And now she's out.
*sigh*
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Re: Wife says she is done 
