After 2 sessions I am more confused
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Old 03-22-2012, 06:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default After 2 sessions I am more confused

Last night was our second MC session. Things my husband said last week in the session are the exact opposite of what he said this week. For example, last week he said he wanted to try to work this out and this week he implied that he didn't. In fact when the counselor said to him straight up "It sounds to me like you made up your mind and you are already gone in your marriage is this correct?" His response was well no or umm I don't know yeah maybe! What the heck kind of answer is that. It has been almost a month since he asked for a divorce because HE is unhappy and figured I was too! For the past few weeks he has said he still loves me but he just doesn't know what he wants. Last night he says he isn't sure if he does love me anymore and that no matter what I try or do he just isn't sure it is going to matter. In the whole session it was I, I, I not we or us or even you!

We have two small children ages 7 and 2. Both as special needs as I posted earlier and neither would understand why daddy left. In fact he told me that he sees his life in the next 3 months to 3 years being out west (California or Utah) doing a computer job and if granted custody of the kids would have NO PROBLEM moving 1,200 miles away from me so he can have this "dream job" that will make him more money and make him able to provide better financially for him and the kids. Should I get custody then he would send money every month and see the kids when he sees the kids like summer or breaks. Heck if he came back to town I am supposed to pull them from school just so he can see them.

It really makes me think his mind is made up but HE suggested we go to counseling. I flat out said that Yes it is a waste of everyone's time if he has already made up his mind and the counselor said I was pushing his buttons on purpose! I don't want my family to be the latest statistic and I have made a ton of changes in the past 6 months to try and make life better for everyone in my family. I want to stay married. I still think this is grief from his sister's passing which will be a year on April 4th. I just can't believe that you can wake up one day and say gee I don't feel right and am unhappy to go the next day basically and say I want a divorce! Any advise, suggestions or comments. I don't know if continueing to go to therapy is a wise idea.
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Old 03-22-2012, 06:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: After 2 sessions I am more confused

If your husband is anything like my wife they are living in a fog of confusion. Not sure I know your situation, but if you want to dave the marriage I highly recommend reading Divorce Busting. It basically showed me that I needed to be patient while she figures it out.

We were seperated 4 months, she is back home now. I heard all kinds of crazy revisionist history and certainties that back became uncertainities. Basically confusion.

Hang in there and I wish you the best for yourself and your children.
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: After 2 sessions I am more confused

Regarding MC. Make sure you have a PRO marriage MC and that you both feel comfortable with the choice or look till you both agree on one. Otherwise your wasting your time and maybe doing more damage. The right one is worth finding..
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Old 03-22-2012, 09:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: After 2 sessions I am more confused

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Regarding MC. Make sure you have a PRO marriage MC and that you both feel comfortable with the choice or look till you both agree on one. Otherwise your wasting your time and maybe doing more damage. The right one is worth finding..
I agree. However, even after finding the right kind, I was stunned when, at the 3rd session, I heard the Dday speech all over again. The MC was unable to convince my W to put a minimal amount of effort into it. My W was resistant from day 1.
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Old 03-22-2012, 11:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: After 2 sessions I am more confused

Thanks. Our biggest problem is he isn't sure what he wants. We talked a bit tonight and both agreed that last night's session only made matters worse and WE NEED to communicate more on our own like we used to. See after his sister died, my husband shut down for a bit. (This to me is normal) I gave him lots of space to grieve any way he wanted to and he admitted tonight that by doing that in his head that meant I didn't care anymore and wanted out of our marriage. He also is trying to get a decent paying computer job and has it in his head that Utah or Washington are the ONLY places this can happen. I just don't see how making more money and being 1,200 miles from the kids is going to help. I had mentioned a few weeks ago that maybe he should keep the kids since our 2 year old is 100% a Daddy's boy but my intention was for him to stay here in Minnesota with the kids not move them 1,200 miles away from me. I can't believe ANY judge would allow this to happen but who knows. Our oldest has a serious medical condition (hydrocephalus aka water on the brain) and our youngest has autism. I think what is BEST for the kids is providing them a stable and secure home. I don't know much at all when it comes to divorce law or family law and internet searches aren't helping much. I do appreciate the feedback.
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Old 03-25-2012, 03:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: After 2 sessions I am more confused

No a judge won't let him have them. Courts are very possessive of kids and want them to stay with the parent in the original jurisdiction. Especially with special needs kids, they are going to say the more stability in their lives the better.
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: After 2 sessions I am more confused

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Originally Posted by plerner View Post
We talked a bit tonight and both agreed that last night's session only made matters worse and WE NEED to communicate
If the problem - as it appears - is that he doesn't know what he wants, then communicating isn't the next step. The next step is working out for himself what he wants, then communicating that.

Out of idle curiosity, does "communicating" in your household mean mainly you telling him what he ought to think and feel?
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