Also, to complicate matters, I have 3 cats. I do have a car, but I cannot imagine driving across the country with 3 cats.
This is going to sound awful, but if the man you are living with has been setting fire to things in fits of temper, your cats are way down on the list of what's important. They are pet animals, not children. Get your priorities straightened out, and stop making excuses.
Thank you Uptown...yes, I meant share with him. I have often told him he has a "SUPERIORITY COMPLEX", meaning he thinks he's always right and correct in anything he does or says.
Stop. Stop pretending that you can diagnose mental conditions. And stop using medical-sounding words that you are not qualified to use: they put a buffer between yourself and what is really happening. As I said in my other post - stop making excuses.
Mr. Wombat....the term Superiority Complex is nothing clinical-it's something I made up as the polar opposite of an "Inferiority Complex" and does exist in people. The former meaning he thinks he is above, better or smarter than other people and does not or cannot make a mistake.
I certainly am not making excuses-if you would read my earlier posts I am in process with a plan made already, I just need some more time and money to implement it. My cats are my children. Please don't tell me you are one of those who thinks that when a pet dies it's...only a cat or dog. I would no more leave my pets behind than I would my own children. You cannot judge me like that-I have been placed in a situation that I am trying my best to get out of gracefully without harm to him, me or my cats.
You might try and offer words of advice rather than criticism. Thanks.
Mr. Wombat....the term Superiority Complex is nothing clinical
Sorry I snapped at you. "complex" is a technical term from Freudian psychiatry. I don't exactly know what it means, but it is a technical term that has a specific meaning. But what I am trying to say is that you are distancing yourself from what is going on by "reifying" what he does - turning verbs into nouns. Instead of saying "he does X", you are saying "there is this thing, a complex, tht he has". It's a way of using oven gloves with things that can be difficult to face.
The other thing is that you don't know he has a "superiority complex", whatever that is. Sounds to me more like borderline personality disorder. I think you need to google that term - its very relevant. But I'm not a mental health professional, either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caligyrl
My cats are my children. Please don't tell me you are one of those who thinks that when a pet dies it's...only a cat or dog. I would no more leave my pets behind than I would my own children.
Sigh. You know they don't feel about you the way that you feel about them? You wanted advice, the only advice I have is nothing, not even your cats, is more important than getting out of a house where your partner has fits of anger and sets fire to things.
Please go look up "borderline personality disorder" as I suggested. Posted via Mobile Device
Cats can be driven cross country. How many miles of a trip is it? I drove my 3 cats 700 or so miles. Only a 12 hour trip, but I believe a longer one can be done. Get some sedatives from the vet - they'll sleep the whole time. If your trip is longer, plan some breaks - find motels you can stay at first that will allow the cats. I understand your sentiment to your cats, ppl that don't have it don't understand. From a fellow cat lover.
Cats can be driven cross country. How many miles of a trip is it? I drove my 3 cats 700 or so miles. Only a 12 hour trip, but I believe a longer one can be done. Get some sedatives from the vet - they'll sleep the whole time. If your trip is longer, plan some breaks - find motels you can stay at first that will allow the cats. I understand your sentiment to your cats, ppl that don't have it don't understand. From a fellow cat lover.
Thank you! Well, the trip would be about 2500 miles, or a good 3 days. I have talked to my vet and she did suggest a sedative, but not for 'prolonged use'. I have thought about flying them, I don't really know what to do there yet. I am in contact with our county animal agencies and they have some good suggestions-so I think that part will be ok eventually.
One thing I do know is I will never leave them behind.
Sorry I snapped at you. "complex" is a technical term from Freudian psychiatry. I don't exactly know what it means, but it is a technical term that has a specific meaning. But what I am trying to say is that you are distancing yourself from what is going on by "reifying" what he does - turning verbs into nouns. Instead of saying "he does X", you are saying "there is this thing, a complex, tht he has". It's a way of using oven gloves with things that can be difficult to face.
The other thing is that you don't know he has a "superiority complex", whatever that is. Sounds to me more like borderline personality disorder. I think you need to google that term - its very relevant. But I'm not a mental health professional, either.
Sigh. You know they don't feel about you the way that you feel about them? You wanted advice, the only advice I have is nothing, not even your cats, is more important than getting out of a house where your partner has fits of anger and sets fire to things.
Please go look up "borderline personality disorder" as I suggested. Posted via Mobile Device
Mr Wombat...that's ok, I understand. We are all a bit frazzled, or we wouldn't be here.
As I said-the words 'superiority complex' is not clinical by any means. It's something I made up to try and get thru to him.
As for your suggestion of the BPD...that is dead on! I've been doing a ton of research over the last few weeks as I thought he must be bi-polar, but reading threads here, articles on the internet, and the book I bought has convinced me he truly has BPD. Of course, that's my own diagnosis based on my everyday life with him-I would never get him to go to a shrink to have a professional diagnosis. He does however, hold true on 7 out of 9 on the criteria list. Strongly.
Uptown and Pidge have been very helpful in sorting out what is/isn't and all that has helped me to not make mistakes that will bring the veil off the anger that is always lurking nearby.
Cali,
I just ended the same awful treatment. Do you have kids together? I hope not, I am finally after 4 years breaking it off for good. These are some things that helped, this site is good, but keep googling all kinds of feelings, thoughts you have and you will find some great advice (for free at least).
I realized 3 months ago that I have put up with more anger, rage and neglect than anyone ever has thrown my way in my 34 years. I will never meet someone more dysfunctional.
We cannot, and WILL NOT change their past family mistakes that were unlawfully being put onto you.
You are beautiful, and have been isolated. Tell everyone on FB! I did it and got 3 wonderful calls early the next morning, like 7am asking if I was ok, my girlfriends (i never saw anymore) reached out like I never believed and came right to my rescue with a nice ear, nice words, and peaceful advice. Blessing.
One's coming over tmrw!
Be surrounded by more people in public, get out there, take a bath, by mud mask at Walgreens for 4 bucks and pamper yourself.
You've gone through a lot of torture. That is not love. You were deceived by a bad person that maybe needed love, but IS NOT able to GIVE it to you.
GET out of that relationship FAST, it hurts quickly but it will start to fade much sooner than you think.
Once he's out, you will begin to reflect on all the other messed up things he's done and you REALLY will start wondering how the Hell you ended up with him in the 1st place.
Call free DV line, get location of place closest, they offer free counseling even if you don't feel in danger, nice to know you can talk to people that understand.
Keep going online and looking for help, I'm still doing it every night and I feel like a new women already.
Dyed my hair Strawberry Blonde, cut bangs and got a tan, I forgot how to love myself while loving the unlovable.
Keep moving forward, they only go from bad to worse and YOU DON"T want to be there when it happens! You've had enough!
As for your suggestion of the BPD...that is dead on! I've been doing a ton of research over the last few weeks as I thought he must be bi-polar, but reading threads here, articles on the internet, and the book I bought has convinced me he truly has BPD.
So you understand why I was suggesting that it's actually urgent - people with BPD are dangerous, and everyone who's been hurt by an intimate with the condition sings the same song: "Oh, but I never thought he would do that, I never though it would go that far!" they say, lying in a hospital bed with their faces covered in stitches, or burns, or acid splashes.
It doesn't fix itself, and there's not a lot you can do to fix it. You could - trying not to be melodramatic here - but you could be in danger if he suddenly works out that you are in the process of leaving. I haven't read through all your other posts, so I'm not totally up on what the score is.
Good luck with the cats. It might not be obvious, but I'm more a cat person than a dog person myself. It's just that I don't cherish having illusions about things. I lost my faith several years ago.
So you understand why I was suggesting that it's actually urgent - people with BPD are dangerous, and everyone who's been hurt by an intimate with the condition sings the same song: "Oh, but I never thought he would do that, I never though it would go that far!" they say, lying in a hospital bed with their faces covered in stitches, or burns, or acid splashes.
It doesn't fix itself, and there's not a lot you can do to fix it. You could - trying not to be melodramatic here - but you could be in danger if he suddenly works out that you are in the process of leaving. I haven't read through all your other posts, so I'm not totally up on what the score is.
Good luck with the cats. It might not be obvious, but I'm more a cat person than a dog person myself. It's just that I don't cherish having illusions about things. I lost my faith several years ago.
Thank you MrWombat...I completely understand where you're coming from. Let me give you a little background history so you will be able to better understand me.
My husband was badly abused by his father as a child both physically and verbally. He watched his mother go through beatings until he stepped in one day at 13 or so and stood up to him trying to protect her. His mother left in the middle of the day a few years later and left the boys to be raised by this monster. He has vowed to never ever be physical and through his life he has kept that promise to himself, however, he acts it out in other ways by breaking things, punching walls, etc. Now, having said all that-he thinks he's going to die any day, which is quite possible seeing that he has had 3 heart attacks at 51 and is on complete disability.
Do I feel like I am abandoning him? Sure-but after 5 years, I find it's tearing me down and it's time to etch out a new life.
We sometimes talk for hours and I try to explain what his behavior does to me. He blames others and everthing else but does not ever try to change it. (This was before I knew about the BPD, but have been advised NOT to share this info with him).
I am so sorry you have lost your faith. It sounds like you have been through hell. Try to love an animal once....they really DO love you back. It's the only love you will ever find that's totally unconditional.
Cali,
I just ended the same awful treatment. Do you have kids together? I hope not, I am finally after 4 years breaking it off for good. These are some things that helped, this site is good, but keep googling all kinds of feelings, thoughts you have and you will find some great advice (for free at least).
I realized 3 months ago that I have put up with more anger, rage and neglect than anyone ever has thrown my way in my 34 years. I will never meet someone more dysfunctional.
We cannot, and WILL NOT change their past family mistakes that were unlawfully being put onto you.
You are beautiful, and have been isolated. Tell everyone on FB! I did it and got 3 wonderful calls early the next morning, like 7am asking if I was ok, my girlfriends (i never saw anymore) reached out like I never believed and came right to my rescue with a nice ear, nice words, and peaceful advice. Blessing.
One's coming over tmrw!
Be surrounded by more people in public, get out there, take a bath, by mud mask at Walgreens for 4 bucks and pamper yourself.
You've gone through a lot of torture. That is not love. You were deceived by a bad person that maybe needed love, but IS NOT able to GIVE it to you.
GET out of that relationship FAST, it hurts quickly but it will start to fade much sooner than you think.
Once he's out, you will begin to reflect on all the other messed up things he's done and you REALLY will start wondering how the Hell you ended up with him in the 1st place.
Call free DV line, get location of place closest, they offer free counseling even if you don't feel in danger, nice to know you can talk to people that understand.
Keep going online and looking for help, I'm still doing it every night and I feel like a new women already.
Dyed my hair Strawberry Blonde, cut bangs and got a tan, I forgot how to love myself while loving the unlovable.
Keep moving forward, they only go from bad to worse and YOU DON"T want to be there when it happens! You've had enough!
Vanes...THANK YOU! for the great advice. It truly sounds like I am walking in your footsteps. How do you feel now that you've gotten away?
We've been married almost 5 years-our kids are grown-no kids together.
I miss the man I married-as you do too I bet-because they change so drastically. I still am in touch with my friends on FB, and I'm sure there would be a celebration when I get home. LOL
It's just so disappointing, maddening, and exhausting being in this relationship that I thought was the answer to my prayers.
Ugh....as you said-time for me now. Thank you!
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Re: At The End Of My Rope! 
Re: At The End Of My Rope! 
