I don't know which way to turn or what to do. I have worked on my marriage for a good 2 years trying to make it work, but I keep hitting one brick wall after another.
My husband has BPD (not a clinical diagnosis, but 7 out of 9 criteria are checked). In the last 6 months I have been the focus of unreasonable rage, explosive temper tantrums, verbal abuse, unfounded accusations, insults, and witnessed the breakage of many household items-some set on fire, as he has to 'act out' immediately as soon as his rage takes hold.
His father physically abused him, his brother, (who is himself a mess) and their mother. He does not hit me-but he breaks stuff or punches walls.
If I were closer to my home, I would have been gone long ago, but I am 2,000 miles away.
I also have a thread called "addicted to Facebook" in the addiction board which spells out some of the other things I must contend with. I am so confused, lost and alone here I feel like sometimes ending it all just to escape but I am way stronger than that.
We are middle age-grown kids. This should be our time, but instead I find myself more alone than ever.
If anyone has any words of wisdom, I sorely need them now.
Why do you stay? Serious question-if you are staying only b/c you are afraid to leave, then make a plan to leave. Once you begin to visualize how it can happen, and you anticipate potential problems and come up with realistic solutions, leaving becomes much less scary.
In the last 6 months I have been the focus of unreasonable rage, explosive temper tantrums, verbal abuse, unfounded accusations, insults, and witnessed the breakage of many household items-some set on fire, as he has to 'act out' immediately as soon as his rage takes hold.
You are married to a madman. I don't care which particular kind of mad, what specific diagnosis they give - it doesn't matter. It all means "crazy".
Don't subject your kids (or yourself) to living with this person. Get out. Get out immediately.
Thank you all...to be honest, I have begun packing and sending boxes back home over the last 5-6 weeks. Things I do not need and haven't looked at (and won't be missed). I have a little money-but nowhere near enough to start over myself. I really do have a plan-I need to save up more money before I implement it. In the meantime, I keep sending boxes home and praying to keep my sanity.
Also, to complicate matters, I have 3 cats. I do have a car, but I cannot imagine driving across the country with 3 cats. That's been my main sticking point. I need to figure something out for them.
One positive note-he actually came to me and apologized for exploding at nothing. That is a FIRST in all the time. I would love to be able to share what I know about the BPD, but I know it would go badly so I will keep that to myself for now.
I would love to be able to share what I know about the BPD, but I know it would go badly so I will keep that to myself for now.
Cali, do you mean it would go badly if you shared it with HIM? If so, I agree with you. He almost certainly would project the accusation right back onto you. And, because projections occur at the subconscious level, he would be firmly convinced that it is true.
This is why the near-universal recommendation (at websites devoted to the partners of BPDers) is to simply encourage them to seek professional help -- which they rarely will do. I therefore am glad to hear that you are planning your escape by getting your ducks in a row before you leave. With a BPDer, it is important for the departure to be an unannounced surprise -- so you remain safe.
In my case, I gave my exW a BPD book AFTER we had already physically separated. Of course, she is now convinced that I'm the one suffering from BPD.
Wouldn't he have to meet all 9 criteria to be considered BPD?
No, Pidge, the Diagnostic Manual only requires that 5 of the 9 traits be exhibited at a strong level over time (i.e., be persistent). Of course, as Cali recognizes, only professionals can determine whether her H actually "has BPD," i.e., has the full blown disorder.
This is not to say, however, that Cali cannot spot the red flags when the traits are occurring strongly. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal abuse, fear of abandonment, inability to trust, and emotional instability.
Thank you Uptown...yes, I meant share with him. I have often told him he has a "SUPERIORITY COMPLEX", meaning he thinks he's always right and correct in anything he does or says. He has an extremely high intelligence level, but not very smart in people skills. He's extremely critical of everything and everyone-except when he is face-to-face.
There is a thread on here that a man is talking about his wife...The person that answered it copied everything point by point and responded to it with clinical information. I swear he could be me. I certainly am not qualified to diagnose, but yes, I do recognize (and live with) all the traits-except the drinking or physical abuse- of a BPD'er. He has substituted Facebook for those addictions.
No, Pidge, the Diagnostic Manual only requires that 5 of the 9 traits be exhibited at a strong level over time (i.e., be persistent). Of course, as Cali recognizes, only professionals can determine whether her H actually "has BPD," i.e., has the full blown disorder.
This is not to say, however, that Cali cannot spot the red flags when the traits are occurring strongly. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal abuse, fear of abandonment, inability to trust, and emotional instability.
Well that helps clarify my diagnosis then. I was starting to doubt it. I do not meet all 9 either. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you Uptown...yes, I meant share with him. I have often told him he has a "SUPERIORITY COMPLEX", meaning he thinks he's always right and correct in anything he does or says. He has an extremely high intelligence level, but not very smart in people skills. He's extremely critical of everything and everyone-except when he is face-to-face.
There is a thread on here that a man is talking about his wife...The person that answered it copied everything point by point and responded to it with clinical information. I swear he could be me. I certainly am not qualified to diagnose, but yes, I do recognize (and live with) all the traits-except the drinking or physical abuse- of a BPD'er. He has substituted Facebook for those addictions.
That was probably Uptown. He's very adept at breaking it down. I think he's helped me understand more about my disorder than anyone. Posted via Mobile Device
Well that helps clarify my diagnosis then. I was starting to doubt it. I do not meet all 9 either.
Pidge, thanks for the kind words. Please keep in mind that BPD is NOT a disease -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "does not have." There is NO KNOWN DISEASE causing BPD. The current view of psychologists, then, is that BPD is simply a group of dysfunctional symptoms (called "a syndrome") that therapists commonly observe as occurring together in their clients.
Like all the other personality disorders, BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means that WE ALL have the nine BPD traits to some degree. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they distort one's perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations -- thereby undermining all close LTRs. Indeed, at low levels, the nine traits are not a problem at all. On the contrary, they are essential to our survival, which is why they arise from the primitive ego defenses that we all use (primarily in early childhood).
What is important, then, is not whether you have BPD at the diagnostic level. That threshold is arbitrary and never made any sense whatsoever. It is the equivalent of defining "tall people" to be those over 6'4" and "short people" to be all those under that height. This dichotomous way of measuring the severity of BPD traits (i.e., you either have them or you don't) has been an embarrassment to the psychiatry profession for over three decades.
They implemented it, in 1980, at the insistence of the insurance companies to have a "bright line" for a diagnosis. It has served no useful purpose, however, because the insurance companies have generally refused to cover BPD treatments -- regardless of whether the bright line is crossed or not.
This is one reason it is unusual for a high functioning BPDer to be given a diagnosis of "BPD." The therapists know that insurance companies typically will cover treatments only if the HF BPDer is "diagnosed" as having one of the side effects of BPD (e.g., depression, anxiety, or PTSD). The BPD itself is commonly excluded from the diagnosis.
For these reasons, the APA is finally gutting this dichotomous approach and replacing it with a graduated method of diagnosing BPD -- at five levels of severity. This new approach is already included in the new diagnostic manual (DSM5) that is scheduled for release in May of next year.
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At The End Of My Rope! 
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