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I need help not judgment please

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dillema
4K views 34 replies 19 participants last post by  vi_bride04 
#1 ·
Hi to all, Please read this all the way through before passing any judgement. I need help or at least a reasoning mind. I am completely new to this site and anything to do with my issue. I am married and would have said happily for almost 20 years to a loving, wonderful, caring woman who has been anything any man should ever want in a wife. Unfortunately my life has changed dramatically and through no-ones fault but my own, I find myself in a position that leaves me spiralling out of control. OK, I fell in love with a girl (let's call her Tracy) at my school who I knew was the love of my life even at the age of 16 and still is. We spent a lot of time together and both her father leaving the forces and me joining it ripped us apart, I was heartbroken. Because of that heartbreak 9 years without relationship later, I met my wife and have been very happy until 4 years ago when me and Tracy met again online and as my job took me to her part of England struck up a friendship. It was immediately evident that we were still in love and even though we tried to tell ourselves it couldn't happen, it did. She has now been divorced is looking to be loved and I want to be with her. I could not bear to lose her again after a miscomunication meant we lost contact years earlier. First to illustrate how I feel, I have missed this woman and thought about her for the full 27 years we were apart. I would have even cancelled my wedding if she turned up beforehand. I imagined what I would say to her and did so even through all the years we were not in contact. My problem is that I want to be with her and she with me but of course I am married, I did ask you read all the way through please. I still have great feelings for my wife but don't want to hurt her or my children (16 and 18 (left home)) but I am with every text, call, email and thought. My wife has been aware of my feelings but forgiven me three times for the 'contact' (although unaware of the physical side of things) and that hurts knowing I seem not to be able to help myself. I am becoming ill with this and as I have not left yet, Tracy is avoiding contact for the time being, it is effecting my whole life, mood, work etc even though I am putting on the front that everything is fine. That's my problem and although it may be all over the place as is my mind, if i can put it bluntly my question is, is it fair for me to keep my wife believing I am happy and we are fine when all I can think about is Tracy as I wake and sleep? Not that it should make a difference but I want to add that I am not a monster but a tortured man. I know what I am doing to a fine woman so plan to move from the house, pay the mortgage (£850 monthly) at least until and in the event my wife finds someone else and pay something towards living as we still have one child at home, I can not see them without support. Please help me see that either I should live the rest of my days longing for someone else and hurting an unknowing wife or release her from a somewhat false love if I can use that term, by telling all and let her go. I can not talk to anyone about this and look to you for something, anything to help ease this turmoil in me.

Regards,

Twinkletoes
 
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#29 ·
TT,

You do realize the statistics you face in a relationship with Tracy right? I believe they show a less than 2% chance that your relationship with Tracy will last beyond 5 years. Think about it, you both cheated on your spouses. If you get together how will you be able to trust one another? Others here say to follow your heart but the heart often gets us into a lot of trouble. That's why God gave us a brain as well. And just remember the brain is what controls the eyes. The old saying "look before you leap" jumps out at me right now.
 
#30 ·
You've already made up your mind, so what are you looking for, permission? No one is going to give it. You have to make the decision. Everyone else can see that you are using your wife and have no intention of doing the right thing--which is breaking of contact with the other woman and THEN, after that, making a decision. You need to promise yourself that you won't go back to OW b/c she has clouded your judgment. If, after breaking off with the other woman, you decide to be single, that's one thing. If you then realize the marriage is worth saving and working on, that's another.

Old flames--esp. first loves--are much more powerful than any other type, because they take us back to our youth and fill us with the emotions of that youth.

I'd say you had a bit of OCD if you obsessed about this OW for all this time. Not healthy. I wonder if your obsession won't come crashing down with her kicking you out one day and leave you miserable for what you did.

But, you are going to do what you want.
 
#31 ·
Sorry, been away. To reply without using dramatic words as some have, my daughter will stay with her mother, I wouldn't have it any other way. Not because it's an easy 'get out' but she is a better mother than I a father (I know!!!) their relationship is better than mine with her and I would never deny her that. Tracy lives about 250 miles from me at the moment so that is an issue. As far as the other comment go, I could make some cheap quips but in the case of %'s in these sorts of relationships, I don't know where that figure comes from but I wonder what they are for marriages where one is staying because it's the 'right thing to do' and can we put a figure on the unseen damage to both as in my case? I appreciate all the comments and points but I'm not sure if what I have now is any clearer than I had then. I thank diwali123 for the councelling point, I may have to think about that. In all honesty it all boils down to whether my wife would be happy with me knowing (or not) that I want another and I remain 'wanting' or I put an end to this and let her find someone she desrves. If I end up alone, that may be better than the pain I am causing or will cause. Some of you may think that's what I deserve and I understand that.
 
#32 ·
Twink - you left out your daughter and how this will affect her.

she will learn that commitments like vows are breakable.

she will learn that being selfish and getting what you want is more important than working hard and putting you passion into what you signed up for.

How would the Army view an man that defected after pledging his allegiance? This is no different. You made a vow to your wife, it didn't have an time limit. You made a commitment to your family when you brought a child into the world.

This isn't judgement - it's pointing out that you've frankly got your blinders on and you are creating rationalizations and justifications to help you feel better about what you know is a selfish and cowardly act on your part.
 
#33 ·
Shaggy, believe me none of this is making me feel any better, far from it. Maybe I am trying to rationalise this but in some ways I don't view it as cowardly or selfish because I am allowing my wife to live with a false love which is cruel and if by cowardly you mean not living up to my vows? I refer you to my 'selfish' reply, is it braver to let her live a life loved while I may remain alone. Believe me at the moment I would take it if it stopped everyone else being hurt, even unknowingly.
 
#34 ·
I think you will be making a mistake. It might take a few years, but you will see that your vision of your soul mate is only a vision.

In a couple of years you will be dealing with the same things you deal with, with your wife. Bills, moods, money, annoying habits, etc. When things don't go well, you will think of your wife and how she would have handled things. You will think that maybe your wife was your soul mate.

Reality is you have no soul mate. No matter how great you are together, you will have issues once you are together for a while and dealing with life circumstances.

At that point it becomes a choice. You either choose to love and commit to the one you are with, or you leave. Life is rarely better when you leave. Especially when you have no reason to leave other than thoughts of a 'soul mate'.

On another note ... Not sure if this is possible in your circumstance, but .... I think it might do you good to talk to your soul mates ex. You have heard her side of the story in regards to what their relationship was like. I would be very surprised to hear that she doesn't have a few issues of her own. It is very common for someone who cheats on their spouse, to paint them as not being very nice.
 
#35 ·
......

In a couple of years you will be dealing with the same things you deal with, with your wife. Bills, moods, money, annoying habits, etc. When things don't go well, you will think of your wife and how she would have handled things. You will think that maybe your wife was your soul mate.

Reality is you have no soul mate. No matter how great you are together, you will have issues once you are together for a while and dealing with life circumstances.....
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 
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