Hi to all, Please read this all the way through before passing any judgement. I need help or at least a reasoning mind. I am completely new to this site and anything to do with my issue. I am married and would have said happily for almost 20 years to a loving, wonderful, caring woman who has been anything any man should ever want in a wife. Unfortunately my life has changed dramatically and through no-ones fault but my own, I find myself in a position that leaves me spiralling out of control. OK, I fell in love with a girl (let's call her Tracy) at my school who I knew was the love of my life even at the age of 16 and still is. We spent a lot of time together and both her father leaving the forces and me joining it ripped us apart, I was heartbroken. Because of that heartbreak 9 years without relationship later, I met my wife and have been very happy until 4 years ago when me and Tracy met again online and as my job took me to her part of England struck up a friendship. It was immediately evident that we were still in love and even though we tried to tell ourselves it couldn't happen, it did. She has now been divorced is looking to be loved and I want to be with her. I could not bear to lose her again after a miscomunication meant we lost contact years earlier. First to illustrate how I feel, I have missed this woman and thought about her for the full 27 years we were apart. I would have even cancelled my wedding if she turned up beforehand. I imagined what I would say to her and did so even through all the years we were not in contact. My problem is that I want to be with her and she with me but of course I am married, I did ask you read all the way through please. I still have great feelings for my wife but don't want to hurt her or my children (16 and 18 (left home)) but I am with every text, call, email and thought. My wife has been aware of my feelings but forgiven me three times for the 'contact' (although unaware of the physical side of things) and that hurts knowing I seem not to be able to help myself. I am becoming ill with this and as I have not left yet, Tracy is avoiding contact for the time being, it is effecting my whole life, mood, work etc even though I am putting on the front that everything is fine. That's my problem and although it may be all over the place as is my mind, if i can put it bluntly my question is, is it fair for me to keep my wife believing I am happy and we are fine when all I can think about is Tracy as I wake and sleep? Not that it should make a difference but I want to add that I am not a monster but a tortured man. I know what I am doing to a fine woman so plan to move from the house, pay the mortgage (£850 monthly) at least until and in the event my wife finds someone else and pay something towards living as we still have one child at home, I can not see them without support. Please help me see that either I should live the rest of my days longing for someone else and hurting an unknowing wife or release her from a somewhat false love if I can use that term, by telling all and let her go. I can not talk to anyone about this and look to you for something, anything to help ease this turmoil in me.
Regards,
Twinkletoes
Regards,
Twinkletoes