This is kind of a long-winded descroption about my husband. I don't even know if there is a word to describe everything at a time. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do except for a divorce..
Our marriage started 4 years ago, and he could have been described as the perfect guy. Smart, charming, handsome, romantic, and did/said everything right. Everything I could have described wanting in a guy, he was it.
I knew he had a bad relationship with his family, and would even let one of them live homeless on the street before he would help them, but they are all drug addicts and thieves.
He has never been arrested and never got in trouble in school. He always got A's and a few B's, was in all advanced classes and placed 16th in the state in the state chess championship at a young age. He was also given grants to college because he had a 148 IQ test score. So, he's really smart.
Everyone says he's "perfect". They start out by saying he's shy, and has such an introverted personallity, but after a few months everyone seems to depend on him for everything from fixing their computer to helping them set up a website to needing advice about their lives. (He is a web designer), like they become helpless and can't do anything without him. I realize that I was that way for most of the relationship.
And about that, he has never given me a straight answer on how much he makes. He got his job/house/car all by lying on the applications, with fake references (friends/families) for job experience. But even his boss now says he's the best employee he's ever had, and plans on putting him in charge of the business eventually.
He has never been in trouble with the law in any matter. He was pulled over a few times, but was able to lie his way out of not having insurance, and drivers licenses.
He's lied about being extremely sick and needing surgury to get the college school board to give him a special test to test out of his college classes mid-way through the semester(A friend of his family is a doctor), this is how he got his degree in graphic design and computer science.
I got in touch with one of my old boyfriends from another state we remained friends after we split up for awhile, we were going to meet up and catch up, I didn't tell my husband even though he never seemed like the jealous type (it was a mistake on my part). A few days later, I found out (from my mom) his email/facebook were hacked and I haven't heard from him again. I believe my husband had something to do with it, but I can't confront him about it.
We met one of his ex girlfriends, she is a waitress at a resturant. I'm not really considered to be very attractive, but every ex of his I've ever seen are gorgeous. We live near his old town that he grew up in, so we run into them some times. And they all seem to still be interested in him. Which makes me wonder what he's doing with me. Every girl I know tells me that he's "hot".
Recently things are getting strange, and I've found out so much I never knew. It's like he's purposefully getting sloppy with his information. One night he stayed late at work loading trucks (strange for a designer right?). He stayed till 3 in the morning. He called and told me he had 3 "more" trucks to load, and later that night he said "yeah it was a really big truck". I said I thought you said it was three trucks, without missing a beat he said "yeah we loaded one big one and drove to a loading dock and distrubuted it to 3 smaller trucks, that's what took me so long". I was like.. uh ok.
Two days later, he said he had to run to the post office. And totally unlike him, he left his phone on the living room table. Out in the open, with the lock turned off. And it seemed he was in the middle of a conversation with a girl who texted him. Of course I Was suspicious and read it, and was incredibly disappointed. I also found out that he has had a facebook account and updates is several times a week for 3 years. I never knew he even had one. Of course I read a few conversations and guess what? All girls. It's like he's a different person to each of these girls. He tells some he's single, some he's married (then eventually divorced), some he just got out of a long term relationship. He's serious with some, jokes with others and gives exceptionally good advice to them about stuff I had no idea he knew anything about. Its like he tells everyone what they want to hear so they fall in love with him. Some he's even a jerk to some of them, and they "lol" and tell him he's cute.
A divorce with him would be tough, because I honestly believe he could lie to a judge or even take a lie detector test and get what he wants. He's probably even has an escape strategy thought out, that makes me seem like a bad person while he seems like a saint. Oh, and even my own parents things he's the best thing ever, and tell ME that I need to be a better wife.
Myris, welcome to the TAM forum. You describe how your H treats everyone else but say virtually nothing about how he treats you. Is he respectful, loving and affectionate with you?
I ask because, given the deceitful and manipulative way he treats other people, I have to wonder whether he may have strong sociopathic traits (i.e., symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder). Yet, if that were true, he would be incapable of feeling love or empathy for you -- but you have not said that this is the case.
In public he treats me as a good friend. We laugh a joke around a lot, but he doesn't show any affection, no hugging, holding hands or anything, and moves out of the way to avoid it.
In private he's sort of offensive at times. He jokes around with me the same way he does with other male friends, they're able to laugh it off but I'm not. I've told him several times things he's said has hurt my feelings. And he blatantly says, "I don't mean to say it, I just do- I just don't think I can stop saying stuff like that".
He's never hit me, and he tells me he hates violence such as parents spanking children, and says it makes him want to explode when he see's it (He was raised by an abusive step-father).
As far as sexual boundaries go, there really are none. It's almost as if, if i'm not saying no then I'm giving my permission. He's never gotten sexually aggressive or anything though, but I do have to ask him to stop touching me quite often when I'm trying to do something, or generally don't feel like being touched.
Apathy would be the only word I could use to describe him when there's not something actively engaging his mind, but there are buttons I can push that cause him to last out, mostly being angry for only a few seconds. The worst he's ever done is raise his voice or throw something. We don't have conversations as much as we used to, most of them now days consist of him lecturing me like he's trying to be a parent. About responsibilities or finances.
It's hard to tell if he really loves me or not. He doesn't say he loves me unless I say it first. Or if it would hurt him much if we divorced, or if anything would hurt him at all. His best friend died in a car accident a year or so ago, and it was almost as if nothing happened. I don't know if counselling would work, and would be willing to give it a shot. I am afraid that if it were couples counselling, that he would turn the therapist against me or something.