Well, I'm new to this site. I have been married to my husband for 7yrs and we've had problems on and off for most of that time. A few months ago we went to counceling a few times and I thought things were getting better (a little). At least he was trying for a while, and we were communicating. Well, it's so easy to fall back into a rut. But now the problem is bigger than I could have imagined. We talked about seperation or divorce and how it would effect our son. He is done putting in any effort untill I figure out and let him know my goal in life and see if they match up with his. Then we can see if it's worth saving.
I'm so confused right now, I don't now how to think about 10 years out. All I know is that I want a husband who is my friend and loves me and treats me like I'm his world. I want what we used to have before our son was born.
Is it possible to get that back?
I have always wanted the "perfect family" a loving husband, kids, pets, nice home. We talked before we got married and he knew how important kids were to me. We have one together and I really think I want one more, he says he's done having kids because we can't afford another one. I work part time and have since my son was a baby (he is almost 6 now). But I also told him before we even got married that I wanted to stay home with my kids and if I had to work I only wanted to work part time. Now he says because I don't and haven't made enough money that we can't have any more kids. This is just the newest problem. He is focusing on this right now. He feels like I want and want and want and he can't give me what I want.
Well, there are lot of things I would like to have, but I don't really know to what degree they are important. If our "goals" don't line up than he says it's over.
I decided to marry him 7 yrs ago and move across the country to be with him. I will live where he takes me and I think that's ok, as long as I can get back what I had.
We are nothing more than roomates.
First let me say I am sorry to hear of your situation.
Second he married you knowing what you wanted. To be a stay at home mom and have a family of four. Now he thinks you can't have that? My wife and I went from 70k a year to 24k. We lost everything and on top of that at thirty she decided she wanted to go to college (and an eight year degree at that). I changed my entire schedule around US, not HER, US. We are a team. Your husband needs to wake up. Things might be tight but if you are making it than what is wrong if some things are tight.
Additional children are never as expensive as the first. I have four. Yes they get play clothes that are handy-downs. They share toys and rooms. And we do not have cable. But guess what we have made it. We are in it for the long haul. He needs to have a wake up call in life.
i feel like we are in the same situation. my husband knew that i wanted a child and really wanted 2, he has 2 from a prev marrige,but after our wedding, he saidonly one and dumbly i agreed, just blinded by love. and now his issue is that since we cannto afford another child, it's not a good time. i agree, why does money ahve to be an issue w/kids. my parents had 6 of us and they weren't rich. they did it. i guess we want two different things and most likely are going to divorce.. he wants to work it out, but we hafe so many problems now.............
i feel like we are in the same situation. my husband knew that i wanted a child and really wanted 2, he has 2 from a prev marrige,but after our wedding, he saidonly one and dumbly i agreed, just blinded by love. and now his issue is that since we cannto afford another child, it's not a good time. i agree, why does money ahve to be an issue w/kids. my parents had 6 of us and they weren't rich. they did it. i guess we want two different things and most likely are going to divorce.. he wants to work it out, but we hafe so many problems now.............
Confused76 ~ Sorry to hear of your troubles. Much of my family other then my parents were use too eight plus children. The more children you have doesn't mean that the cost doubles per child. Food in bulk costs less, baby furniture is reused. Clothes are passed down. Yeah you might have to tighten the strings a bit but for the love of a child it is worth it.
Have you started another thread about the other problems?
He just isn't willing to do anything at this point. I have an apt with the councelor on tue. I don't really know how important it is for me to have another child. Is that something I can just decide? My house if fine, yeah it would be nice to have more space (both inside and yard), but do I need it? I don't think so. He makes it like it's all about my goals and his goals not our goals. Well, I want our goals not mine and his. Yeah there are things I would like to have like enough land to have a couple horses maybe, but I don't see that as a deal breaker. What I really want is to know that we are working toward something. It doesn't matter if that something is a vacation, or home improvement or something else. I just want to have something to look forward to. What's the next project?
Maybe that's part of what made me happy when we were dating, I had something to look forward too. It started out with just the time we spent together, then we got a house, then it was the wedding and being excited about building a future. Then my son came! Now where are we? There is nothing to look foward to.
He just isn't willing to do anything at this point. I have an apt with the councelor on tue. I don't really know how important it is for me to have another child. Is that something I can just decide? My house if fine, yeah it would be nice to have more space (both inside and yard), but do I need it? I don't think so. He makes it like it's all about my goals and his goals not our goals. Well, I want our goals not mine and his. Yeah there are things I would like to have like enough land to have a couple horses maybe, but I don't see that as a deal breaker. What I really want is to know that we are working toward something. It doesn't matter if that something is a vacation, or home improvement or something else. I just want to have something to look forward to. What's the next project?
Maybe that's part of what made me happy when we were dating, I had something to look forward too. It started out with just the time we spent together, then we got a house, then it was the wedding and being excited about building a future. Then my son came! Now where are we? There is nothing to look foward to.
Well I think your goals are clear, even if not to you. You want to keep going forward and what the forward is isn't as important as the moving forward on something. You are bored with the mundane and want the excitement of the future is always better.
Nothing seems to be a deal breaker with you. You are flexible. that is your strength.
Take the control of the communications away from him. Psychologically when someone is over you they control the attention and the communications. (Work places have used this for years)
Have him sit on the couch take his hands in your hands while you are standing leaning towards him and say your piece. He can't repel it because he can't cross his arms. He can't dominate it without standing up. This is your five minutes to fame.
"I don't have goals, I want us to keep moving foward. I want our relationship to have the same spark as when I fell in love with you. I want to have goals for us that we are working on."
I didn't realize that the page break broke my two posts I hope you read them both...Either way I look forward to see how things turn out. I hope you the best of luck.
well, I tried to tell him that is wasn't just "stuff" that I wanted. I wanted a happy marriage and family. I let him know that the way he used to treat me when we were dating is how I want to be treated.
I don't think it did me much good though.
He is currently reading a book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" . He read a part to me and said it made him realize that he really didn't like me. He said he's trying to just give it time to see if maybe that can change. But I don't understand how? Can he ever like me again? will he ever love me again?
I hope counseling will help me sort this out. I'm hurt, I'm angry
well, I tried to tell him that is wasn't just "stuff" that I wanted. I wanted a happy marriage and family. I let him know that the way he used to treat me when we were dating is how I want to be treated.
I don't think it did me much good though.
He is currently reading a book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" . He read a part to me and said it made him realize that he really didn't like me. He said he's trying to just give it time to see if maybe that can change. But I don't understand how? Can he ever like me again? will he ever love me again?
I hope counseling will help me sort this out. I'm hurt, I'm angry
I would be too. There are so many junk books out there that excuss people from relationships. The next step is up to you, why are you with this guy? You deserve a man that will treat you like a lady instead of manipulating you.
What to do next? 
