Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 04-01-2012, 02:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
ccd
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Default Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

This is going to be a pretty random brain dump but here goes.

My wife has always told me she was very happy in our 20 year old relationship although like all marriages, it has had its ups and downs. We'd got to a point where we figured we could weather anything now.

We have a ten year old son (hard work as he has ADHD), a house we all like and led a contented if not exciting life. Our one problem was that we never had much options in the way of baby sitting so we never went out on our own for the first 8 years or so of his life and barely went out individually.

A year or so ago she told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me and that she no longer found me sexually attractive. Around the same time she said she had met someone online and wanted to start a relationship with them. I was devastated. She then got extremely angry with me saying I was in no position to complain as our wedding vows had nothing about 'forsaking all others' (we'd left that bit out as we both felt that if either made a mistake e.g. getting drunk at an office party and getting carried away, it wasn't neccessarily a show stopper for us). I took that as an acceptence a one night stand might happen, she apparantly has spent the last 15 years thinking it meant we had an open relationship. She was angry that to her, she'd long since 'released me' to have other partners even though I had no interest in such a thing.

In the next few weeks I lost a ton of weight, work suffered and I generally went to pieces. Eventually she finished the relationship as it was impacting me so badly. However, within days she started up with someone else who 'helped her through the pain and loss of the first one'. She's still with him now and the other guy has now left his wife and moved into a flat near us. To be fair, his marriage was already on the rocks so that would have happened anyway I suspect.

For the first few months, my wife acted frankly nuts, telling me I was being unreasonable, saying you only have one life so why shouldn't she enjoy it etc. In many ways a classic mid life crisis as she was just coming up on 40. I have ended up living on various pills to cope with the stress and physical impact of it all and am seeing a therapist to keep me sane. My wife then said she didn't want to ever have sex with me again as it felt like she was being unfaithful to her lover(!) although she gets angry at me saying we should thus sleep in different beds. It tears me apart as she quite happily gets undressed in front of me, asks me to wash her back in the bath etc, really rubbing in what I've lost.

She sees her boyfriend on average 1-2 evenings (until 2am) and a whole day each weekend. Recently as he was moving in, she was at his place for days at a time. She also goes to various festivals/shows for long weekends (they share an obsession with a particular vehicle). When she is at home, she alternates between being quite nice or really difficult and angry at me over trivia. She now says she came to feel there was something missing in her life even though on paper it's perfect and she's been trying to fill the void. She says she hopes she gets over it and we return to where we were.

Right now, our garage is full of her boyfriends stuff (his flat isn't big enough for it all), his washing is hanging on our line and she's up late most nights working on his divorce papers etc as he's so inept at managing his own affairs.

On the basis of the above, pretty much everyone I know says she's taking huge advantage of me, using me and I'm an idiot to put up with it and I should divorce her. Difficult to disagree on paper.

Trouble is, I don't want to be the one to break up the home. I'm nearly fifty so could never buy anywhere else, starting from scratch so would be renting for the rest of my life. I don't want to ruin my son's life. (He knows all about what's going on though already). Worse still, despite all the pain, hurt and selfish behaviour, I am still deeply in love with her, probably the point of being taken advantage of. If she stopped it all tomorrow, I would and could forgive her.

However, that said, I now barely recognise the person I married. How can she knowingly hurt me so much whilst saying she loves me? I can't live with the uncertainty but she thinks it's all fine with lines like 'I'm here most of the time, what are you worrying about?'. She's also complaining about my lack of DIY around the house. I earn enough to pay others to do that but in practice, every time I get some money, she has something happen to swallow it all - a 1500 car repair or something. She just seems so narcisistic and full of self entitlement which was never there before.

She says she doesn't understand why she feels like this, just that she does and she wishes she didn't. She did start therapy for a while with me but stopped as she didn't want me telling people things she'd said in the sessions. That's another thing that's hard, she gets angry (that word again) if I talk to friends or family about our situation but frankly, some days I'm almost suicidal so need to vent a bit.

So...

Hope she comes to her senses or throw in the towel? If it wasn't for our son, I'd be gone, I know that much. This is an abusive relationship in my view and she's being selfish and uncaring yet my love for her is so strong, I find the idea of finishing it too horrible to contemplate in case she gets over this madness.

On the plus points, she always asks to hold my hand when we are walking, complains if I don't cuddle her in bed and makes long term plans 1-2 years in the future involving me. I just can't get my head around it all.

Last edited by ccd; 04-01-2012 at 02:42 PM.
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Old 04-01-2012, 02:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

Think maybe I need to think about the 180, having now read up on it. I suspect that that might push her away though. She alternates between the above and panicky text messages saying 'am I going off her?' but if I play it cool, that tends to push her away (unless I'm doing it wrong)
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Old 04-01-2012, 03:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

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On the basis of the above, pretty much everyone I know says she's taking huge advantage of me, using me and I'm an idiot to put up with it and I should divorce her.
You think!? How much worse could it get? I suppose they could force you to watch her banging him and ask you to fellate him.

Your garage is full of his stuff? Your clotheline has his clothes. I am wondering why he does not kick you out of his house. Not sure why he lets his woman over at your place at all.

I am thinking you do not intimidate him.

I am hoping this is not real and it is just some guy writing out his cuckold fantasy. I am afraid this could actually be real.

Very very sad.
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Old 04-01-2012, 03:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You think!? How much worse could it get? I suppose they could force you to watch her banging him and ask you to fellate him.

Your garage is full of his stuff? Your clotheline has his clothes. I am wondering why he does not kick you out of his house. Not sure why he lets his woman over at your place at all.

I am thinking you do not intimidate him.
Possibly but I don't think so. I've met him a few times back when they were 'just friends' and one time I did lose it and he certainly couldn't get out the house quick enough (and wife told me off for being nasty to him, bless)

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I am hoping this is not real and it is just some guy writing out his cuckold fantasy. I am afraid this could actually be real.
I think I can safely say, if someone gets off on this sort of thing they really need help. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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Old 04-01-2012, 03:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

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On the plus points, she always asks to hold my hand when we are walking, complains if I don't cuddle her in bed and makes long term plans 1-2 years in the future involving me.
WOW!!!

She is regulalrly screwing another man and you holding her hand is a plus point?

Divorce her, like yesterday.
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Old 04-01-2012, 03:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

Unfortunately you overlooking this in your vows and then actually let this happen for as long as it has was a big mistake. It will be harder to kick the habit out of your wife.

You need to decide for yourself what you want and dish out the ultimatum with your wife. To me it seems like divorce is the only option right now if you want a monogomous relationship considering you have enabled this to happen for some time already and does not technically constitute as an "affair".

I would still make one last ditch attempt to re-build new boundaries in your marriage if your intention is to keep her, and do not take divorce off the table.
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

Your wife is treating you this way because there's no reason for her not to. By you going along with this behavior, you're condoning and accepting it. You're also teaching your child that this is an acceptable marital relationship.

If you don't like the situation, it's up to you to change it.

My GF says to grow a vagina, or get a GF for yourself.

C
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Old 04-01-2012, 06:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

He's banging your wife on the regular and his drawers are hanging up in your garage? I believe the two of them have correctly assessed they can pretty much do whatever they want to do without resistance.
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Possibly but I don't think so. I've met him a few times back when they were 'just friends' and one time I did lose it and he certainly couldn't get out the house quick enough (and wife told me off for being nasty to him, bless)


I think I can safely say, if someone gets off on this sort of thing they really need help. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
This is a cuckold lifestyle. So there is a whole cult of guys who want this.

It is hard to believe you would have let this go this far. Unexplainable really.

Dude, you do not itimidate him. He owns your wife. His stuff is in your garage. You don;t dare touch it do you? His laundry is on your line. You don't dare touch it do you? Again I have no idea while you put up with her having the "friend" to begin with. Especially after she had a PA before that. But now they are just both in your face. If you have children they see this. You son looks to you for guidance on what it is to be a man. At this rate he will be looking to the OM as his role model. Can you just kinda get a little mad at this? Can you just stand up and stop this. No I would not take her back evene if she turend it all around. What kind of a woman does this to any man? So if you will not do this for youself, do it for your kids. The onlt mistakes I have seen you make is allow this to happen.

Whether he ran away from you or not he is dominating you by taking your wife from you. She is his slave.

It is never too late to get your self respect. It is probably too late to save your marriage. At least in a healthy way. Cut this stuff out of your life.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-02-2012 at 12:44 AM.
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

Good God man,I dont think you'll ever grow a pair, so see if you can rent em.Good luck,you need it and then some
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Old 04-01-2012, 11:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has a boyfriend but can't see the problem

You're a cuckold.

Stop being one. Cut off her money, and divorce her cheating worthless butt.

Why would she want to be with you when you tolerate being another mans woman? When she would be cheating on him if she was with you?

Seriously - I hope you are a troll, because you can't be real.

If you are real - cut off her money, call a junk man and have all his stuff in your garage sent to trash heap, and file for divorce. You don't leave btw - your cheating wife does.

Wow.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Let's call it. Time of Troll, 3:10PM, April 2nd.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Let's call it. Time of Troll, 3:10PM, April 2nd.
Give him one more day.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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If you want to give advice and help, go ahead and do so. If you don't want to contribute to a given thread, feel free to without your wisdom. Accusations of trolldom help no-one.

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Old 04-02-2012, 04:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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ccd,

I tried for a few minutes to imagine myself in your situation and suddenly I realized I'm holding my prick with my left hand and making a hard sweaty fist with my right hand. Not sure where it was going to end but I had to get up and look at my wedding pictures on the wall to come back to sanity!

WTF man? Are you serious?
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