luckycardinal

Maybe the take away point to all this is - if you're a woman be VERY DIRECT in telling your spouse what's wrong. He isn't a mind reader. If you're a man, listen to her and take her seriously unless you don't care and if that's the case, then tell HER.

angelpixie

Again, I don't think this is particular to just men (though that's who the OP was addressing). If either spouse is that unhappy, they owe it to their family, marriage, and themselves as individuals to get it out in the open sooner rather than later. If everything festers and then the WS decides it's time to go, they run the risk of losing out on being happy in their current relationship. I think the WS doesn't even consider that the LBS was unhappy, too. The LBS just didn't find someone else.

Wouldn't it be better for both people to be happy, even if it takes work? That's the part about all of this that I just can't wrap my head around: the selfishness and tunnel vision of the cheating spouse. I would doubt that one really unhappy spouse married to a blissfully happy one is all that common.

luckycardinal

Sure, I think it would be best for both to be happy, even if it takes work, but a lot of times one person isn't willing to change or even try. It's their way or the highway, so to speak. That shows pretty much the same amount of selfishness as cheating does. I think there are a lot of people who are miserable (like me) but just have a spouse who is complacent. Also, when you have allowed a person to treat you badly for a long time, they decide it's OK and it's VERY hard to break them of those behaviors after they're ingrained.

angelpixie

That is true, luckycardinal. I was just venting about those who decide to leave or cheat w/o even giving the other spouse a chance to work on things or to change.

You are right though: either way, people will only change if they want to.

Jayb

To me, when one spouse is miserable and on the fence about leaving the relationship, then it is incumbent on both to come together and decide to work, compromise, correct, etc.

I have always been willing to do this. Am doing it now.

Because, if I had refused, then I could understand that spouse leaving. Thnigs remain the same and why be miserable.

But to see one spouse (me) willing to do so much in order to improve the relationship, while the other still resists, just shows closed-mindedness and selfishness of the other. I mention selfishness because there are children involved. And despite intentions, it is hurtful. It's the same thing as saying, I will not love you now, as you are, or in the future, if you change so much for the better. I will not love you if you try to improve our relationship. I will not love you if you apologize for past hurts and make-up for them all. I will not love you if you are happy with yourself. I will not love you if you become involved in others' lives in helping them. I will not love you if you are promoted at work and earn twice as much as you do now. I will not love you...........

And with a spouse who has that mindset, how can I attempt reconciliation? Why would I want to? It's as if my wife that I knew and loved had died and is replaced by the being now.

All of the changes I am doing are now for me. Meanwhile, my wife does no self-reflection, or look to improve herself. Any reconciliation must be mutually agreed upon before any healing can begin.



Sorry, I am just ranting away....

angelpixie

Don't be sorry. I think you summed up my feelings, too -- just substitute 'wife' with 'husband,' and that's how I view my break-up with STBXH, too.

OldGirl

Jayb, I was just going to say the same thing, but Angelpixie beat me to it. Rant away. You make a lot of sense.