chozengrlc

I can't help but wonder if I am the only person that feels this way and am wrong for it. I can't seem to get past my husband of almost 8 years betrayal. He did so many things wrong before we got married and after and about 4 years into marriage decided to tell me everything he had lied about or done wrong over an excruciating 2 weeks of me constantly asking if there was more to know. I was young and naieve when I met him (16). Now after ten years I feel like I have thrown away my life completely to someone who manipulated me and betrayed me. I can't help but want to feel selfish. I want to protect my heart from him and he can't understand why little innocent things remind me of his lies and betrayals which then sets me off into a closed off distanced relationship. I know I am selfish for not being able to just let go and forgive. He has tried to do things better, he still has many faults but he does try. Sometimes I really believe I love him, but the reminders bring me back to the pain that never seems to heal. I feel completely alone to all the pain he has caused. It just feels like this whole marriage has been one big struggle that doesn't go right. Is it easier to just end it once and for all to finally heal? Or keep putting the bandaid on my heart and ripping it off before it is ever healed when I think of the terrible things he has done. The pain after four years isn't better. I just have gotten better about avoiding the thoughts for the most part. Does anyone know what I am talking about? I know I am supposed to forgive but it feels impossible. No amount of prayer or time seems to fix it.

Jayb

It's a continual struggle that lasts, I don't know how long, because I'm still in it.

Forgiveness is different than forgetting.

Triggers exist for the rest of your life. It's a matter of learning coping skills and applying them in your life.

Sometimes, I don't like how my life turned out. Not happy about my past, struggle in the present, and fear the future.

But, repeating and expecting a different result is insanity.

I have found prayer comforting. Also, by asking others to pray for me.

We have to make choices in our lives. And, we can pro/con list each choice until we're blue and paralyzed in inaction. Likewise, we can regret our decisions forever. But, as we're regretting and being upset, minutes from our lives are passing. Minutes we could be using to help others, to love others, to support others, etc.

chozengrlc

Thank You Jayb. I wish there was a magic pill to just fix it all and never feel the pain anymore. Maybe someday it will all make sense. But my biggest fear is it wont and one day when I am real old and my life has already passed I will hate the choice I made to stay. I don't want to regret my whole life and span of time with him. I appreciate your comment though. I will never understand how when people say they love you, they also with their next action can do everything to destroy you..

Jayb

I have thought one day, when I'm old, my regrets will be miles long.

In your case, if you decide to leave and move on, will you have regrets? Possibly. If you stay, will you have regrets? Possibly. No matter what decision we make (and indecision is a decision), we can have regrets.

You soul-search, reflect, pray, seek counsel with family, friends, professionals, and make informed decisions. It beats making decisions out of blind emotions (trust me, I learned this one).

Actions speak louder than words. And the pain associated with those actions can hurt more than words. How can someone truly love you, while acting directly opposite of love? It's inconceivable, right?