Hi everyone, need some advice, maybe just need to vent.
Just found out a few days ago that my wife was having an EA via texting for about a month. Cognitively I can see that things could be worse--but I just can't see ever coming out of it. I know i care about her, but can't stand to look at her at times, mostly when trying to be civil in front of the kids.
Been together for 12 years, married for 4. 2 amazing kids ages 3 and 5. Our relationship was a rocky beginning, emotional lots of bickering, but we did some work and it's generally been good. I would have said it's gotten better and better. We've coasted a bit on our relationship since our 2nd child was born, but overall we've been happy and spend lots of time together and focus on the kids. Obviously there are some problems with the relationship, but no indication of this (for me).
The texts were mostly mild inuendo, but they said they LOVE each other, which kills me. My wife left her phone out all the time over this period and when I finally checked (sensed something was up-still don't even know how) she admits now that at least subconsciously she wanted me to find out--partly to end it, but also to hurt me. As sick as that is, I actually feel better that this was to hurt me! Is that messed up????
I hate that I'm in the position to save our family and kids now. I think (logically) that it's worth it, but I don't know if I'm that strong. How do I deal with that?
She has already made an appointment for couselling to try to figure out what she was doing. I said I won't go to counselling to talk about this issue, but will to talk about our relationship. If we get there. I'm not interested in talking about what I should have done to prevent this. Is that petty?
I hate that she's done this, but have committed to talking with her about it. She's miserable and hates herself and doesn't know why she did it. I don't doubt that she regrets it. But that doesn't really help...
Right now I want her to feel miserable. I know I do. I know it's weak. But, at the same time, I actually feel sorry for her. I'm so glad it wasn't me! I've always been unfaithful in past relationships and know that feeling. The stakes were never this high though, so i can't imagine. I don't want to tell her this, though. Not yet. Is that wrong? I actually want to console her sometimes, and start to put things back to normal. But I haven't. I want her to wallow, again I realize it's mean-spirited, but I also want her to suffer for this, too.
Should I just tell her things will (probably) be OK? If she continues with the steps she's taken. I think I think that...
Last question: I don't want to tell anyone about this, neither does she. But that's because I'm ashamed. Do I need to talk to someone about it? For my own sanity? That's why I'm unloading here I guess. I'm convinced that it's ended and reasonably sure that it won't come out unless I tell someone. What's the best course there?
Thanks for reading. I've sifted through a tonne of other posts, thanks for sharing your experiences. Still miserable, though...
Welcome friend to the club no one wants to belong to.
Here we go:
1) First, she ends all contact with the OM (other man). Have her send a no contact (NC) email to him, delineating why she will no longer be corresponding with him, that that their relationship is over and that she is going to work on rebuilding her marriage. Proofread it to your satisfaction and sit there and watch her as she sends it.
2) Get into counseling both IC (individual for her) and MC (marriage counseling) for both of you. Yes, you do need to go. You are not responsible for her affair, but you are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage, which right now is in shambles. I guarantee you things were not as peachy in your marriage as you think they were... not even close. You must be a part of this process.
3) Without telling your wife, install a keylogger program onto the computer she uses to track what she is typing. Cheaters many times have secret e-mail and Facebook accounts that they use to contact each other. Again don't tell your wife you are doing this.
4) She needs to provide full transparency with her computer and cell phone. If she is texting someone ask to see her phone. She should be willing to hand it over to you any time. She is not allowed to delete texts or e-mails she gets by phone. If you do not have an auto backup for her phone to the computer, then install a program that does so. Again, do not tell her you are doing this. Remember, it is not wrong to snoop. There are no secrets in marriage.
5) Spend at least fifteen (15) hours a week alone time with each other. Talk, argue, laugh, walk, go out on dates, etc., etc., Get used to being with each other again. Your marriage must come before the children.
Thats just a few items. Others will be along with more.
Buckle up and hold on tight ... you are in for the ride of your life. Good luck!
P.S. Do not tell your wife about this site or that you are posting here! TAM is your safe haven.
Thanks for reading and posting. I was in a moment of relative rational thought when i managed to post originally. I'm not now. Back to incredibly angry. Guess that's how it will go...
Mostly what I'm looking for is some advice for dealing with the short term. Don't want to make rash decisions that will affect the long term--just care about the kids right now.
I'm not actually concerned about my wife continuing the affair. I believe that's it's over and she sincerely regrets it. I believe her when she says she will do anything to make things right. Trouble is there's nothing she can do. Not in the short term...
I realize we will have to go to MC if I decide I want to stay married. Right now I don't. Not emotionally anyway. But I realize I'm not thinking rationally and might feel different later.
My feeling is to send her out of the house for awhile. If it wasn't for the kids I would have already. So what have people's experiences been around this? I'd say we're co-parenting fairly well as is, but I don't think she deserves to be here. But, her leaving would involve some sort of made up story for the kids, and obviously be more disruptive to them. Should I just suck it up for awhile?
Our close friends of course know something is up. I've told them we're fighting, but downplayed it--haven't told them the truth. I'm ashamed of course so part of me would be happy to get through it without anyone knowing details.
But I go back and forth on that--partly just want to get it out there. But I can't see clearly the long term results of either.
Any advice on surviving this initial period without closing doors down the road? And minimizing the impact on the kids?
Thanks for reading and posting. I was in a moment of relative rational thought when i managed to post originally. I'm not now. Back to incredibly angry. Guess that's how it will go...
Mostly what I'm looking for is some advice for dealing with the short term. Don't want to make rash decisions that will affect the long term--just care about the kids right now.
I'm not actually concerned about my wife continuing the affair. I believe that's it's over and she sincerely regrets it. I believe her when she says she will do anything to make things right. Trouble is there's nothing she can do. Not in the short term...
I realize we will have to go to MC if I decide I want to stay married. Right now I don't. Not emotionally anyway. But I realize I'm not thinking rationally and might feel different later.
My feeling is to send her out of the house for awhile. If it wasn't for the kids I would have already. So what have people's experiences been around this? I'd say we're co-parenting fairly well as is, but I don't think she deserves to be here. But, her leaving would involve some sort of made up story for the kids, and obviously be more disruptive to them. Should I just suck it up for awhile?
Our close friends of course know something is up. I've told them we're fighting, but downplayed it--haven't told them the truth. I'm ashamed of course so part of me would be happy to get through it without anyone knowing details.
But I go back and forth on that--partly just want to get it out there. But I can't see clearly the long term results of either.
Any advice on surviving this initial period without closing doors down the road? And minimizing the impact on the kids?
Channel that anger, fury and hurt elsewhere. Exercising, hobbies, work. Read, pray, learn. Communicate to those you can trust. Do not, DO NOT rely on alchohol at this time. Tighten yourself up, take care of yourself and your children. These emotions are normal. The swings from minute to minute are normal. Allow yourself to process them. Cry. Feel rage. However, allow yourself time for these feelings before making any decisions.
I went through the same situation (including 2 small children) less than a year ago. Except, all the advice I gave you, I didn't follow. Made decisions out of rage and hurt and now regret doing so. Now, those decisions I made are coming back with severe consequences.
Floover here's another view: I am 11 months from DDay and we've decided to split, but it took me 10 months to make that decision because I said to myself for my son's sake, if I decided it as over, it was not going to be an emotional gut decision that I might even regret later, and I was going to be able to look into the mirror and be comfortable knowing I tried everything I could to make it work.
Best advice I got here at TAM was to do nothing immediately, give myself time to calm down and think... my rage and ager was going to lead to violence at OM + tossing her to the street. neither would have been good choices, but I was hell-bent on it at the time. I, too, was going to throw her out to 'make her pay' and I am glad I did not even though we are splitting -- because that would not have been what was best for my son.
I will also say the truth is, time does help. Maybe not ending up with different decisions, but knowing you are thinking more clearly. This is all brand-new to you; remember to think and to breathe before reacting... and to eat. Sleep will come, sooner or later.
As you sort through the anger, try focusing on what got her to this place, what is wrong with the marriage, with her (and maybe with you) that needs 'fixing'... yes, with a good honest look at your own role in that. That is not blaming you, nor justifying what she's done, but gives you an honest look at what it's going to take to fix this, if you choose to do so...plenty of people will tell you, this can actually turn into an opportunity to make your marriage much better if you can get past that "petty" persepctive of talking about how you got here... not "what you should have done to prevent it", because that's living under threat and nobody wants that. But what was missing, what you both needed to do together to avoid the place she got to emotionally... is only going to be understood by talking about it at some point. yes, get yourselves to MC, and you to IC to vent and talk out what you feel. It cannot hurt, can only help. No need to put this out to family & friends, for now, until you decide what you are doing. Remember, you can't take it back once it's out there, and yes people will judge both her and you whether you like it or not, in surprising ways. IF you ultimately decide to stay together, the bond of working through this without outside forces can be helpful. And you can always share later if that is what you need to ultimately do.
Start doing the list Bandit laid out for you,now.Time is CRITICAL here,your wife has been in for a month,mine was is for four months before I got ahold of it and ended it,she even met with him a few times in public places,so you can see how this can progress quickly.I wish I would have launched into defensive mode after the sixth week when I had the feeling something was up.
My wife and I are in second month of R but if I had'nt dragged my feet we would be a lot further down the path of healing. Posted via Mobile Device
Meantime dont do anything that you'll regret,for me I needed to be alone,you fish? Its excellent therapy,go hiking hell just hang out at the park,give yourself time to think.When you do feel like talking confide in a close friend,someone you can trust and whos like a brother to you.
I wish you the best Posted via Mobile Device
'Good luck, sorry you're here.'--That's a great line...sums it up...almost made me smile in spite of it all.
Thanks for the remarks and sharing your experiences. I guess I'll suck it up and try to act civil in the short term, before making any decisions.
There's enough good stuff to work on it, just can't get my emotions to agree...
As you read & learn you will come across a phrase that may help you in practice: "Fake it till you make it" is advice many people give when trying to work their emotions to meet up with what their head may be telling them.
When one starts acting nicely, they naturally start feeling nicer....
But do not ignore the need to get yourselves into MC as you do so. Acting nice when you don't feel it, sweeping it all under the rug is no solution to the problem. You have got to get at the root cause(s) to cut the cancer out of the relationship, otherwise you are just delaying the inevitable. You are in for some heavy work, together. be sure she is at least equally invested in doing the heavy lifting before setting down that path.
Sounds to me like your wife is remorseful and wants to save marriage. Still this is no time to trust blindly.
Get the keylogger like bandit suggested and follow the other advice. She needs to regain your trust. Workout
or do any activity that will help you release the stress/anger that you feel. Keep us posted. Posted via Mobile Device
Always remember that while you may have played a part in the bad issues of your marriage, she owns the affair 100%. You do not have any responsibility for it.
She could have approached you and told you that she felt disconnected from you and that she either wanted to split up or try and make your marriage right. Instead, she decided to go behind your back and completely betray you and the marriage
Been a rocky week. Have had some glimmers of hope, where it seemed workable, more like a wake up call. Right now back to not caring/not knowing if I want to work on the relationship.
Toffer, it does feel like the EA is a deal breaker for me. What do mean by everyone has them? Deal breakers?
A few weeks ago I would have said that I wouldn't ever consider working through what I'm now considering working through.
Calvin, yes I fish--I went and spent the day and night on my boat the day after and that saved me from making some decisions that would have had some long term implications!
I am working on myself for my own good (and my kids). And I take responsibility for the state of our relationship--right up to the day before she made this choice...
Here's a question I'm sure people have considered: throughout our relationship I've had a few opportunities to stray--some tempting opportunities. I'm proud that I haven't as I was always a dog in the past. A small part of me wishes I had, just a reaction I know-juvenile but it would feel good.
So if/when another opportunity comes up what will I do? If I had the chance right now--I'd probably do it. The reasons I had for not before don't exist right now. Luckily it's not that easy for us guys. It would be immature, vindictive all those things, but it would feel so good! And not just the obvious feeling good parts...
I feel like if I go through with this and stick it out and do the work I've got one free pass. Maybe I won't use it but maybe I will. It means I'm not committing %100 all that jazz, I get it. But I'm reduced to raw emotions here, I actually think it might help put it all behind me...might just be looking for an excuse of course.
Probably wouldn't, but feels justified. Of course it's vengeful, but I'm not above that right now.
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Wife had emotional affair--need advice! 
