marriedwoman

somehow my husband was shocked when I told him I went to a lawyer about 2 weeks ago. (I asked for a separation about 2 months ago, he was going to move out, then told me I'd have to evict him and contact a lawyer to get him out... so I did).

Anyways, he basically treated me like crap (only married 2.5 years, no kids) and he fully admitted it.

He's not at the house anymore.

But his arguement to stay together, is that I should just forget the past and move forward. That I should give him another chance because he says he wants to change, and 'how could I not want that?' He said that I can't just get rid of him like he's a boyfriend.

It makes me feel mad to hear him say that stuff.
I almost feel like I have to tell him that I don't love him anymore in order to end our marriage. But I feel horrible saying that (which I haven't said yet... my reason for the divorce is that I haven't been happy/he treated me like crap/we even tried marriage counseling and that didn't even work/I'd rather just be alone now)

There really seems to be too much hurt to get over.
I care about him as a friend, but that's it.

Am I wrong to think this way?
Do people EVER fall out of love completely with their spouse and then fall back in?
I can't help but feel like a fool if I let him back in my life....

WhereAmI

Him expecting you to just 'get over it' is another instance of treating you badly. He doesn't take your pain seriously and is only concerned about himself. He expects marriage to be simple and is hoping you'll rugsweep so he can have his way.

Broken marriages can be repaired, but it takes hard work from both partners. He clearly doesn't want to do what's necessary to repair the marriage.
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scione

Yes, in normal marriage, people fall in and out of love all the time. You have to work on marriage to be back in love again. If everybody give up because they fall out of love, then the whole world would be getting a divorce.

I mean you can get a divorce anytime you want. Do you want to do it now? It's much easier to get a divorce than to get married. Make sure you know 100%.

marriedwoman

I do feel like he wants to put in the effort to make the marriage work, but that I'm the one that doesn't want to work on it anymore.

He even admitted that for the first year almost that I 'tried my ass off' and he just wasn't really present. The second year, I wasn't trying because I wanted him to meet me half way at point.

He tells me now that I wouldn't have to put in any effort, and that I just have to let him show me now. That he doesn't expect anything from me.
But if I let him do that, I feel it would be completely selfish of me. I told him that it would fee like an empty promise.
It's like he can't accept that I just don't want this anymore.

To think that people fall completley out of love with each other is pretty sad =( I dont' feel like that would be true, for people who are truely meant to be together?

theArchitect

My wife would hit and scratch me, call me names and I blew everything off. Because if you love someone cant hold on to the past.
You just can't it'll set you up for total destruction of your marriage.
She's made scenes in 2 of my friends weddings, my friends don't even want her around (I lost my friends because of her), and I'll admit I called her a few names after she took me to many boiling points.

Through all she's done (too much to write right now) I always stood by her side, stood by her when friends would be, leave her, stood by her when she lost the wedding ring, while she threw a tantrum at a friends wedding.
And guess what, she decides to call it quits, because I treated her bad and didn't appreciate her (mind you she never cooked, cleaned, never helped me with my daughter for anything, there's a lot) and still
once I accepted her for who she was, it made my love for her grow.
But she just walked out and quit on us. I'm devastated, I never wanted this to happen... I only marry once and this was the one time.
I'll post a separate more in depth post on my situation at a later time.

But yes, forgive and forget or else there's no forward.

bluebeauty

omg...i hear you on this one. It's all on me now, because I'm the one that left when we separated. He says he'll change, but yeah, I feel like a fool too.

marriedwoman

I sort of feel like i"m getting pulled back in.
I think i do still love him, but there is so much distrust that I don't know if I'll ever be fully 'in love' again, or sort of just hanging back a little, always afraid to give too much ever again.

I talked to my mom the other day, and asked her this question, on whether or not people fall out of love and back in, or if there are periods where you just odn't like the person you're with. (She's been married maybe 15 years?)
she said that there have maybe been a couple of weeks where she didnt' like her husband, but never fell out of love with him.

I don't see myself with anyone else but my husband... but I'm afraid staying will be a mistake.
At the same time, I'm so utterly, honestly, depressed, I just want him to come back hom. =/

luckycardinal

To TheArchitect -

You have been physically abused (yes, men can be abused or battered, too) and you're ok with just blowing it off and letting it go? If my husband ever laid a finger on me, he'd find himself in jail so fast his head would swim. Women who scratch and hit men need to go to jail, too. I would never live with a physical abuser.

And to MarriedWoman -

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for a while. I'd have left a long time ago but we have kids and he will make my life a living hell (he has promised to do so) when I leave. I'm afraid of him and don't know where to get help since there is no physical abuse (shelters around here won't take emotional abuse cases). If your husband has recognized he's been abusive in the past and wants to work on it, why don't you work on it while you're not living together? Maybe you could start counseling and start "dating" again to see if there is anything worth saving. Just forgetting the past would probably be a huge mistake as he would decide he could abuse you again and you would take him back again. I'd try to work on things while you two are separated and only get back together if he shows CONCRETE, long-term evidence that he's changed.

Mavash.

It's called 'rug sweeping'. Unless his actions say otherwise I wouldn't trust a word he said.

It's abusive behavior to just dismiss your pain and expect you to pretend like it didn't happen. What happens in the future when times get tough again (and yes bad times will come again). If you can't discuss your feelings and have them respected this won't end well.

MyTwoCents

LuckyCardinal... Hi there! I want you to know that I only registered on here because of what you wrote and I wanted to write you back! I too, was in a very emotionally and psychologically abuse relationship and I understand how you feel. It was a time in my life that I can't believe happened even after all of these years. I have always been such an incredibly strong and independent woman, so to find myself in that situation was quite shocking. As you know, it's never something that happens right away. It's a gradual process of someone "caring" about you so much that you become completely dependent on them and once that happens its a very bad place to be.

I didn't go to a shelter either because I wasn't able to take my dog and she was the only thing I had to love at that time. That being said, I know what you are saying about shelters not taking women who aren't physically abused but that is not necessarily true.

My ex was very abusive which caused me to have medical issues. I was in the hospital with panic attacks, I developed a terrible case of anorexia. I went to the doctor and asked him to note in my medical records that I was in an abusive household so that I could get outside help. I was gone two days later and never looked back. There are ways you can get help. Make sure that you always clear your browser and cache online. Any phone calls that you make seeking outside help, make from a telephone that he cannot trace. And get the book "Why Does He Do That? (inside the mind of angry and controlling men)" It will give you the knowledge you need to get away from him, the reassurance that you need to know ITS NOT YOU and a safe plan. Get another book that is the same size and change the cover. You're now reading a wonderful romance novel.

As far as him making your life a living hell if you leave him.... well, he's already making it a living hell NOW! They say that to scare you, to manipulate you and to make you stay based on fear. The reality of the situation is that you would be the one with the power to make HIS life an absolute living hell. I know it feels like there is no way out... I used to feel like that too, believe me I understand!!! It feels like there is SO much to do and you could never do it and its overwhelming and crippling. I was in the same place. I'll never forget the day I woke up in my apartment... alone... with my dog. I thought "I can't believe I thought that was going to be so hard!!! That was so easy!!"

Keep your head up... and don't let anyone steal another moment of your beautiful life!!! Feel free to email me if you would like to talk!

Cosmos

Telling you to "get over it" sounds like the words of a typical abuser to me.

Like MyTwoCents, I found myself in the clutches of an abuser and can identify with much of what she has written. Don't let this man mess with your life any more than he has done. You've already taken the first steps, and would be well advised to follow through by ending this relationship.

__________________


When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

MyTwoCents

Cosmos... there one thing that I failed to mention in my last post which I should have. I don't know if you can personally relate to this or not but when I left my ex there were times that I found myself missing him... even though I hated him. There is usually a time in this process where you remember only the good things and even if you remember all of the bad things, you are still mourning the loss of something. The loss of the "dream" of what you had hoped your life would be like with this person. The loss of "familiarity." Those feelings are perfectly normal, even when you leave an abuser. Sometime, those feelings are stronger when you leave an abusive relationship because you have been knocked down for so long that you don't even remember who you used to be. There are a lot of people who come to this stage of the process and they go back to their abusive relationship. It is so important to seek the strength to get through those moment and not cave in to your emotions. These feelings are pretty much guaranteed to happen but they will be short lived and you will be so much better off for having worked through those feelings and moved forward rather than going backward.

mompres

How old are you? I don't mean that to sound snarky but I ask because it sounds young. I truly don't think people are "meant to be together". They work at it constantly. They may not fall out of love but they sure go through periods of not liking each other or things about each other. As for putting it behind you, you will have to at some point if you want to move on with him. That's not saying he gets a pass on everything he's done to you (and you to him). Get counseling and work on things if you really love him and want it to work. Otherwise, move on. Good luck.

Cosmos

MyTwoCents: I think this is pretty normal. It's only when we realise that things are only likely to change for the worse, that we stop allowing ourselves to get hoovered back in.

__________________


When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

luckycardinal

MyTwoCents - thank you so much! I really needed to hear those encouraging words right now. I continue to work on myself in therapy to try to get stronger so that I don't feel so afraid of what he promises to do if I do leave. My physical problems (palpitations, anxiety, panic attacks) have been documented by a number of doctors, as has their connection to my constant marital stress. If it weren't for my two girls I'd have been gone a while ago but I know that it's not good for them to see me being treated this way. Sounds like you've been where I am and your advice is well-taken. Thank you.