 Married 9 months wife is not attracted to me
Hello,
I am in a confusing and difficult situation for me to figure out on my own. My wife and I are planning on seeing a counselor but I am having issues with the day to day, and concerned that even if we get through our problems now, the marriage will just end later for the same reasons.
My wife and I have been married about 9 months, but had dated for about 5 years prior. About 2.5 years into our relationship, she dumped me out of nowhere. She said she wanted to find herself and be her own person for a while (we are young, 22 currently). This was extremely hard for me but I love her and wanted her to be happy. After about 2 extremely lonely and difficult months for me she decides she does want to be with me, but I find out (I basically knew all along) that she was having a relationship with a coworker, and a less serious relationship with some other guy she met through a friend.
This was hard for me to accept but I did and we were happy. About a year and a half later she tells me that she thinks we should get married. I was still recovering from the breakup but I love her more than anything and always knew I wanted to marry her, and had basically been waiting on her, so we decided to get married.
A few months ago she became slightly more distant, but I was very busy with school and she was busy with her work, so I assumed it was just that we were both busy. I did start to notice that she would never leave the room or couch or table or anywhere without her phone, so I eventually begin to get suspicious. Eventually she forgets her phone somewhere and I look at it and find texts to someone, the whole deal.
I do not read all of the texts before she realizes that she left her phone so I give it to her but I want to talk about it. She is angry that I looked at her phone. She deletes all of the messages. She tells me that she met him on a plane returning from a business trip. He is 34 years old, she is 22. He does not live in the city we do and she claims that they never touched or had any relationship other than meeting and talking on the plane, and then just continuing on through texts. I should also mentioned that I noticed her texting constantly throughout this time and she always had some person to say it was.
At the point that I found the texts she had not texted him for a few weeks, which was encouraging. I had no choice but to believe her that nothing happened between them, because I love her and would never not want to be with her. She says she is so sorry and she doesn't now what is wrong with her etc.
So over the next few weeks I start to feel like everything is ok, but I decide to go online and look at the text messaging usage. I find a number that she has texted minute to minute for two day (going to about 1 AM). One of these nights she was on a business trip, the other night she was working late. I ask to look at her phone and she lets me because she says she wants me to trust her, but I can see that she deleted ALL of the texts from the night she was out of town (she doesn't know that I saw the usage). I tell her I saw the usage and she tells me she deleted them because she was afraid I would be mad that she was texting him so late (we both know the person, I don't know him very well, met him twice, she works with him on occasion).
I tell her the usual stuff. I tell her I wouldn't be mad if she was honest about it and hadn't deleted them and told me about it. She says it was sexy or anything and that they don't have that kind of relationship and that she has never cheated on me and never would. She says she's so sorry and loves me and she doesn't deserve me etc.
The NEXT DAY I check the usage again and she texted him that morning quite a bit. I ask her if she texted him, she says yes just about photography (that's what she does) and it was like 5 texts. I tell her I know it was more than that. She had deleted about 20 texts between them.
She says that she just told him about how we were having problems and she didnt tell him they were because of them texting. She mainatains they are just friends.
Throughout all of our following conversations about how she is dishonest and I don't know how I can trust her, she is constantly asking me if I want to divorce her. I say no never.
Eventually I find out that she has thought about wanting a divorce. She gives me all of these reasons similar to the ones she gave me when she broke up with me...she's not her own person, she's not ready to be mariied, etc.
I am not stupid, and I know that she is levels above me in attractiveness. She is also obsessed with appearance, being a photographer. She is extremely vain. I already knew that she is not very attracted to me and has not been for a while. This is due to things I can not change, because she takes me shopping for clothes and things like that.
It finally comes out, she actually says it, that she is not very attracted to me. She is attracted to other men. She is not sure if she wants a divorce, she doesn't think it is too much to ask to want to be attracted to a person both personally/emotionally AND physically. I don't necessarily disagree with that.
We are planning on seeing a concelor and as of late she has been saying she doesn't think she wants a divorce, but she has always been a very whimsical person, so it is hard to be convinced by anything she says (plus she lies a lot).
Also, we had sex somewhat often when we first started dating but then she told me that sex hurts her. I believe this is true as the way she would act during sex seemed a little strange, and she has been to the doctor a few times about it. So since we've been married we have had sex twice, and she has not pleased me sexually in any other way. I do to her, but not for a few months, she hasn't wanted it.
I AM FINE with NEVER having sex with her if she doesn't want to or it hurts. I just love her so much that I am more than willing to sacrifice that to be with her.
So long story short, my wife loves me as a person but is not attracted to me, kind of wants a divorce because of this. It is hurtful of course, shows to me what our relationship is worth to her.
I guess I don't know exactly what I am looking for by posting here. Any advice? Is counselling the way to go? Is she telling the truth about the texts?
Thanks,
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