Divorce after an emotional texting affair???? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 03:25 AM Thread Starter
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Divorce after an emotional texting affair????

Hey everyone this is my first post on here. Here is my what im dealing with, long story short.

I found out my wife (shes my best friend, we have an fantastic relationship) who I have been with almost 9 years (although we just got married last year and have a 2 year old) texting a male coworker for the last few months. Not for nothing I have met the guy before hes almost 6 years younger than her, he is nothing special and type of guy that has no responsibility goes out and gets drunk all the time and lives with his parents. By the way I don't know if it helps but we are just about 30 years old. Unfortunately I found the texts because one came in as i was playing a game on her phone and at that same time she heard the text and grabbed the phone from me. So technically she probably didn't know if I saw anything or not. Normally she is never defensive about me looking on her phone, I mess around on it all the time. The shady thing is that she was texting him through a interactive phone game though, not through the normal text screen. When we got home I kind of drilled into her asking her if there is anything you want to get off your chest (i didnt tell her what i saw) and she was in complete denial. She said no and started to get defensive. So I was like wow ok and didn't really talk to her and went on with my day. She did not admit it until four days later when I questioned her again but I was very stern and wouldn't drop it.. Finally she started crying and said its nothing! I bottled it up and was giving her the respect to tell me for FOUR DAYS and nothing! After looking through all the messages and it seemed like she was into him... almost more than he was into her.. She would say things like "the only reason I would go there tonight is if you were there.." "I would love to go out tonight but im sure it wouldn't be a good idea wink wink..." Would it totally ruin your night if me and "husband" came out.." and he would play along.. Other than those kind of texts there were a few innocent flirty ones she would send to him at night I saw when we were laying next to each other in bed! And before I knew about this I would break her balls for always playing the games on her phone at night.. she would just say it helps me relax and fall asleep...ya go figure. Her excuse for the lieing and hiding the phone recently is that she didn't want to make something out of nothing. She swears on our kids life nothing happened besides all texting and flirting at work and he bought her flowers about 2 months ago. She says and I always thought our relationship is was perfect and she does not know why she did this. She said she is disgusted with herself and never thought she would be this person. I always complement her, talk to her, we always spend time together when were not at work, we have great sex so I can not see a reason she would do this. The only thing I can really get out of her is that she said he has flirted with her and always complemented her for over 3 years but just recently they started playing the game (which she plays with a ton of people my sister her other friends her sister ect) and she started playing into his flirting. She said it was just an "infatuation".. She also said while she was doing it, she realized that she was almost 30 and it was like she had a separate life.. She had her home life which she loved and is perfect and she had her work like which she works with a ton of guys and girls 6-10 years younger than her that have little to none responsibility and go out and get drunk every night.. As far as I know outside of work she has only seen him twice... but it was with many coworkers (which I confirmed that they were there indirectly) that are close to her and know that she is married with a child.. I haven't been able to accept this yet... She agreed to never see this guy again she so she is leaving her job. And said she will do anything to make things better.. I called the guy very calmly and collectively a two days ago just to make sure she definitely confronted him and I asked him what was up.. for the most part there stories matched and he tried to be very apologetic and hurt and said it was just flirty texting. I still don't know what to say, and I told her that. I feel like my best friend just died and god forbid she did cheat still rests in my head. This happened just this past week...Do I man up and be a single father and make her move in with her parents over this and get a divorce, or am i being too irrational?

Sorry for the long post tried to make it a short as possible but anyone have any input or similar scenarios

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 07:54 AM
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Re: Divorce after an emotional texting affair????

bman, you are the one who has to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. There are people her who feel that an Emotional Affair (EA) is worse than a physical one.

There are other steps you can also take to put your mind at ease about this relationship.

Ask your wife if she's willing to take a polygraph to ease your mind. If she says no, you have your answer about whether it went physical or not. If she says yes, schedule it as soon as possible and do not back down! There are a number of cases her where cheating spouses made parking lot confessions just before the tests were to be done.

Be concerned because she's doing this only one year into the marraige! I hate to ask but are you sure the child is yours? You may want to consider DNA testing.

You should also be reading and posting in the Coping With Infidelity section. You'll find lots of great advice and investigative techniques there.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 08:27 AM
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Re: Divorce after an emotional texting affair????

Sorry to hear bman, unfortunately she is in the fog she can't tell what's right or wrong. Or what her action's will cause.

Does she use a computer? If so install a keylogger to see if she admits anything on emails/etc.

Does she use a car? If so place a VAR(voice activated recorder) firmly attached under the drivers seat to listen in on her phone calls.

Do those if you want to confirm if it was only EA or went PA, after that point it's up to you to decide what you want to do. Usually its better to set boundaries before this stuff happens, and if you let her get away easily on this one she WILL do it again in the future.

Ask any question you may have, there are plenty of people that have been in your shoes multiple times for alot longer, their advice is worthy.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 09:46 AM
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Re: Divorce after an emotional texting affair????

Some cheaters would rather die than tell the truth. There are many on this board whose cheating spouses swore on their kids, parents, God while still cheating. So don't take it too seriously. She can still lie. Just remember that. You said that they met only twice. But what about that time she went to meet her girl friend. Also the night she stayed late with a different set of friends. Or the time she went to pick up something but took longer than usual. That she denied the affair until you showed hard evidence stands against her. Accept the fact that this might have been a physical affair and work from there. Keep pushing for the truth. See her react when you ask for a polygraph test. Check her mail(Sent items/trash folder). Find out how long this has been going on. Don't stop until you get the complete picture.
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