I wanted to add my sorrow to the annals of this forum for all to see and learn from. We didn't have the best marriage I guess but I never thought it was all bad. We have 3 kids of our own and I adopted the one she brought in. I didn't know we were drifting apart. I just thought it was the daily grind of parenthood. I didn't have an inkling anything was wrong until I saw a text on her phone that said something to the effect of "I can't wait to see you -er- seduce you". This was Christmas weekend. She explained it away and I turned willfully ignorant and didn't blow up on it. Christmas was incredibly uneventful and should have been an eye-opener but I blew that off too. We both own our businesses, she works upwards of 70 hours a week. When she is home, she usually sleeps. I didn't know it but that had turned into texting.
Things got progressively worse, she suggested marriage counseling and I didn't have any idea why. Then I caught her in an emotional affair, I guess, that ended about the time I discovered it.
Valentine's day was full of resentment and our anniversary a week later we ate together then she went out with the girls. Man I'm an idiot. A couple weeks later she said she didn't love me. I took it hard. The last month has been a roller coaster of promises to reconcile and pronouncements of separation. Then came another affair that was really right under my nose for upwards of 2 months that I just uncovered this morning. She says she has a cold emptiness where her love for me used to be.
I get it. I've obviously neglected her for so long. How could I be so blind? No she didn't communicate as much as might have helped but obviously I wasn't picking up incredibly open signals. It's over but both of us spend a lot of time stressing, agonizing, crying...
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You said you both spend time agonizing and crying. Could that be a sign it could be worked out? I personally could not cry over my husband as I really do feel "numb" toward him. Sounds like she may not be completely numb yet. Would she be willing to go to counseling now even though you didn't see a need for it before?
Our first marriage counseling session is tomorrow. But between the affairs, the declaration of no love, and her seemingly madcap pace to get a divorce I don't see it going anywhere. Should have had the counseling a year ago. if only I had known, you know?
mule, my situation has been almost exactly the same as yours. several years of neglect on my part led to her feeling unwanted and she checked out of the relationship months ago. i was caught by surprise when she said she felt our marriage was over and then again when she revealed an ongoing EA with a coworker that same week.
went to one MC session and this concluded for her that if she wasn't willing to get the OM out of her head (which she wasn't), then no MC would work.
i don't really know what advice to give you as i haven't seen my situation through to the end yet either. i laid it out there that i wanted to work it out, but after getting very little positive response, i've gone the route of bettering myself and improving as an individual. she may find this attractive again some day and realize that i can deal without her, or she may never come back, but there is no wasted time/effort in working on yourself in any case.
I can relate very well to what you are going through. I think that there are plenty of guys here who can identify closely with your current experience.
It always seems that no matter how well, poor, or indifferent that you can treat your spouse, communication is always the first thing out the door. We are ALWAYS the last to know. We become complacent and we are lead to believe that all is well in our little corner of the "world of marriage".
There is no perfect marriage or relationship and it is something that has to be worked on daily. But this cannot happen when communication is no longer taking place.
As much as it hurts and is going to hurt, I know that you may not want to hear this... but you might just have to let her go. They say that the grass is greener on the other side. That is true... because it's covered with bull s**t! When she wakes up, it may be a very harsh reality for her.
You are about to enter a really rough period. I wish you and your children all the very best.
Has she ended the affair? If she has not, no amount of marriage counseling will work. Its a waste of money and you should refuse to go.
Find out who the other man is and expose the affair to his wife.
Expose the affair to your wife's side of the family. Expose, expose, expose.... best way to throw a monkey wrench in the affair.
Your wife had as much to do with the demise of the marriage as you did, but the affair is 100% hers. DO NOT LET HER BLAME YOU FOR THE AFFAIR!!!
EDIT: Go see a lawyer and know your rights. Also, move 1/2 of all your joint accounts into one in your name only. Do not tell her you are doing this. Protect yourself legally and financially.
Bandit, I'm in a pissy mood. What do I do when there is no other man? It was a 1-time test to validate the detachment. I have all the proof you need. No other man now, nor hasn't been in close to a year. No dating, nothing. What do I do? She doesn't want reconciliation beacuse it stirs up past misery/guilt. No one else. She is gone and by herself.
To me, that makes me a bigger loser. Knowing that she'd rather be by herself sleeping by herself, and seeing movies with her married girlfriends rather than be around me and her children on a regular basis.
Another cheated husband in denial. Respect yourself first before you ask others to do the same. She rewrote the entire martial history and is gaslighting you. You fell for it. Now you think you are at fault for her affairs. Sigh....
Someone here said it best. Go see a lawyer now and start getting prepared. All too often people are blindsided when served. You can at least be prepared. Get advice from your lawyer about bank accounts, etc. yes, I am an attorney which is why I am saying this. Posted via Mobile Device
It's only been what? a day? Things are a lot different from my perspective. I couldn't care less about the affair emotional or otherwise (she says it went no further and I do believe her as much as I need to). Except that anyone that would try to slip in with a married woman is slime-even if she started it. I can't keep my wife prisoner, she has to be with me because she wants to.
Anyway I did see a lawyer, an old friend who knows her family, too. He gave me some good advice and said a couple things personally that helped clear my mind. To other people out there in a similar situation: No matter how many things she says are wrong with the relationship that you can fix the real problem could just be you.
The marriage counseling went great! I mean, I was finally able to recognize that I don't love her anymore, maybe I haven't for a while. The emotional train wreck I have had the last month or so since she said she doesn't love me the first time has almost completely lifted off my shoulders.
You see, the loss of intimacy, communication, time together, all that stemmed from resentment she had harbored dating back to my decision to get a vasectomy after our 3rd child together. If that wise and good decision was enough for her to slowly disassemble our relationship then there is no way I can live with her for the rest of my life.
I can say I still love her. She is a member of my family and always will be because she is the mother of my children. Just can't be together.
There was someone her saying that you are losing to nobody. I thought I was, too until I discovered the affair. Didn't really change anything in the long run. Maybe there is some satisfaction? But the really real problem with our relationship wasn't going to be solved by chasing off another man.
After discussing options on custody and visitation, we decided to try reconciling. She says she will probably spend a year or 2 alone and depressed after we break up, I said if that's the case why not try to see if we can work it out? Should say she brought up reconciliation first.
I think the OM is gone, but it's hard to say. She first met him on facebook and she has an iphone so how to tell if it's really over?
It's kind of painful, she seemed rather peaceful and enthusiastic about getting the dirty work of the divorce done until the children came up. We both love the kids of course so keeping either of us from for a period of time them seems cruel. Wouldn't it make more sense to stay together and raise them here?
So the question is whether we can bring ourselves to do that.
Okay, there's more to it. I did catch the OM snooping around on text messages. Her story on it is that she was ending it with him, too. I guess I do care about it. While happily putting together our post-marriage lives, I had made it clear that the a-hole she was having the affair with was a deal killer if he was around our kids after. She agreed that he is a loser that chases married women on the internet. So when he was apparently back in the picture that set me back on any amicability on the divorce.
I am not sure what the future holds but I doubt it goes smoother.