My wife cheated on me. If this belongs in the infedelity thread please move it
A little background, I was in the military and both she and I were unhappy with the lifestyle, and she has personal self worth issues as it is. She coped by going out a lot, like 4 to 5 times a week, to the point where I found myself being lonely in a marriage because I just never saw her too often. I had a 9-5, but she worked evenings, went out immediatley after work, then slept all day while I was at work. Not once at all contributing to housework in the slightest.
I was seperated from the military due not being able to run and was horrible at a job I never even wanted (I NEVER asked to be a logistician!!)
I felt small because of how the military turned out, inept, and would always tell her how lonely and unappreciatated I felt in the marriage.
Well, we both promised to work on it and things really seemed to be getting better between us for the past three weeks or so.
A few days ago I found some racy texts between her and another man hinting at an incident happening about a month ago. As if the timing wasn't bad enough she was gushing to him over how good of a lover he was... which was a huge blow because I know I'm not particularly "gifted"
When I confronted her she denied it and apologized because it was inappropriate but empty flirting and she could see how I could take it the wrong way but nothing happened. I believed her.
A few days later I double checked her phone and this time checked the texts between her and her girlfriends and there was even more damning evidence. She was gushing over it, gave him the petname "Thunder****", and talking about me like I was some square trying to keep her from having a good time. there were several times where she talked like coming home was a drag and a chore, mocking me several times.
I woke her up and confronted her and she told me the same story over and over until she finally broke and confessed. I threw her out of the house that instant.
I honestly thought things were getting better between us, so it hurts that she would lie about it to my face, twice, and not only do I feel like an inequipt lover, a failure as a provider, but I feel like I can never trust her again.
She seemed genuinely sorry,going so far as to confess to her father and some some friends. She wants to work it out and we're going to attempt counseling, but I just don't know if I should bother.
I love her very much but I don't think I can ever be IN love with someone who perpetually screws up, wasted all my money on going out, stayed out after I pleaded for her to stay, and for making me a joke in those texts between her and her girlfriends. She hurt me in the worse possible way, at the worse possible time, and handled it by lying to my face at a time when I thought we were bonding again. She says she'll change, but there has been no evidence that she's capable of self improvement--- at all. She's a perpetual screw up and I often wonder if I can do better.
I'm debating whether she deserves a second chance.
Please, any advise would be genuianely appreciated!!
A lot of people come on here telling a similar story but with the big difference that they haven't been able to throw out the cheating spouse and want to know what are the chances we can make it work, I love her/him so much, etc. You seem to be much less 'in the clouds.' The fact that you kicked her out right away and sound like you'd need convincing to give it another try tell me that you should probably cut your losses and end the marriage.
Not that I don't think marriages are worth fighting for, just that I don't think ALL marriages are worth fighting for. She disrespected you - not just to you but to her friends (!!!!) (I'm sure her toxic enabling friends had something to do with it getting this far btw.) Which means that she wasn't even feeling guilty about it. Sure, she remembered she had a conscience when she finally confessed but that's not a real conscience. (A REAL conscience is not doing it in the first place, but anyway.)
You've already said that you don't think you can be in love with her. So what's the point? You don't mention children. She sounds like she's not cut out for the commitments marriage. Why stay? Do you honestly see yourself EVER trusting her and feeling good about yourself as a husband with her?
If you don't have kids, kick her out and move on. There is nothing to save here then. Find a woman who will respect you and not belittle you in front of her friends. But as every major decision, take your time in finalizing the decision. Just don't get back with her out of fear of being alone or nostalgia. You will never be happy and live the rest of your life not trusting and paranoid if she cheating again and is just hiding it better.
If you want to reconcile, I can assure you that she will have many more skeletons in the closet. The way she went about it tells that this is not her first time either.
well, we dont have kids. She told me that this was the first and only time she did this while we were married, however she also told me she had two other trysts before we were married while we briefly broke up.
Thats part of what bothers me, the fact that she's so quick to hop on the "saddle" whenever we hit a rough patch.
I guess the counseling is mostly so I can make the right decision and not rush into the wrong one but I'm definately leaning towards just ripping off the proverbial bandaid.
Do you trust her when she says it was only once? Or is this "damage control" on her part? She hasn't always been 100% honest and truthful with you, so even if you believe her now, you will start to have doubts at some point if she was telling the truth about it being once, or the two trysts being while you were actually broken up.
You deserve to live without these doubts. That's just my take, but I don't see the point in 'rewarding' her with a 2nd chance here.
Do you trust her when she says it was only once? Or is this "damage control" on her part?
Well, one of the texts between her and a girlfriend specifically mention not being able to stop thinking about this guy "since the first time [they] hooked up."
She tells me it was once, and only once.I'm not too sure
Of interesting note though, the texts with her friends AND the guy, talk about not wanting to lose me and how lost she'll be, and not knowing what she would do if I walked in more recent conversations.
This perplexes me.
She came by for some stuff and told me she'd be willing to cut off some of her friends, but not her bestie (who talked her into "following her heart" when my wife was debating seeing this guy again or going with what her "heart" told her, even when her "brain told her not to." This toxic friend who was beating the drum for her is who she was staying with.
Now all of a sudden she's with other friends, which suggests she dumped the previous "friend."
I feel like her desire to salvage the marriage is genuine, I'm just not sure whether I should, or if it can happen again, or if I should even bother. I might be unemployed at the moment, but I still think I'm a catch.
Of interesting note though, the texts with her friends AND the guy, talk about not wanting to lose me and how lost she'll be, and not knowing what she would do if I walked in more recent conversations.
"Thats part of what bothers me, the fact that she's so quick to hop on the "saddle" whenever we hit a rough patch."
I would guess that is due to the 'personal self worth issues' you mentioned in the original post.
Without her addressing these issues, life will not change. If you decide to seek MC, then she STILL needs to do IC to fix her problem or there'll just be another affair or ONS to be her insta-fix. If you're going to divorce, then it doesn't matter to you if she seeks IC or not.
LA, sounds like she is not really remorseful just doing damage control so she doesn't have to face her shame the hard way. You would do right by serving her with separation agreement and divorce papers - the process usually takes long so if she shows remorse and is willing to do heavy lifting to really make the marriage work you can always stop the divorce, and even if you don't there is no reason you couldn't keep the relationship after divorce - lots of people remarry the same spouse. But your W sounds a lot like my ex (except mine loved the single life too much to want to stay married to me), and it would take a lot or personal discovery and growth for her to ever know how to own up to her choices in life. By the time she is ready there is a very good chance you will have let go and moved on.
You can do better. You would be hard pressed to do worse, unless she gave you a life-altering STD or got pregnant by some other guy.
The blatant disrespect behind your back would be a major dealkiller for me. The other points would each be a dealkiller for me by themselves. Put it all together, and you have a wife not worth any more time than the time it will take to get a divorce.
15Likes
Wife crushed me at worse possible moment 
