Husband and I have been married for about 7 1/2 months. We met about 2 years before we got married. Initially he wasn't very truthful and had presented himself as never married ... we'd been dating a month and he revealed he'd been divorced. His ex had left him only 5 months before he started talking to me (their divorce was finalized about 2 months *after* we started dating). I know, I shouldn't have overlooked it but at the time he seemed like such a sweet guy and I felt bad for him. I later asked him about it and he said his ex went on a trip with her girlfriends, when she came back she was different - told him she met someone else and was no longer in love. She served him with papers.
Anyway... He was incredible. He was so fun-loving, generous ... he wined and dined me, was generous with my family... The only odd thing was that he didn't talk much about his childhood or family. But again I overlooked it. We had a great relationship and seemed to have so many things in common.
We got engaged in early Dec. 2010, a year and 3 months after we started dating. In the months following we had a few arguments that were chalked up to stress from wedding plans and etc.
He totally changed after we got married. There was animosity towards my parents, especially my mom, who is a sweet, generous person. We moved about 90 miles away from them and at the time part of me wondered if he was trying to isolate me, although I'd fallen in love with the area to which we moved. He grew very controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. He'd talk down to me like I was a child, even when I was sick (I caught a bug on our honeymoon). He was a workaholic and for a couple of months he wouldn't come home sometimes until after 9 or 10pm (he's in the accounting field and I know things would get busy at certain times ... but still...). He was also very sarcastic and whenever I'd calmly confront him about his behavior he'd get very defensive or twist things around to make it sound like I was the one with the problem. He also likes to drink quite a bit. He wouldn't usually drink during the week, but on the weekends (Fri, Sat and Sun) he'd have at least 5 drinks a night. Sometimes he seemed uptight and like he needed the alcohol to relax.
He actually picked a fight with my mom on Thanksgiving. She was helping us out by giving us a few things for the house (which we hadn't been in long). He has problems accepting not only gifts, but offers of help from anyone in general. He's apparently been on his own for a while and seems to see getting help as a sign of weakness. I think it comes down to his controlling personality. He's also extremely stubborn and won't compromise.
I should mention that I accidentally stumbled across his ex's public Facebook page (I did a search for one of my interests and she ended up sharing it with me). She had a blog linked on it. Out of curiosity (over the interests thing) I clicked on it. She'd posted about him and said they were only married for a year because he was verbally abusive. I never told him that I found her blog and I never sought contact with her in any way. I know you sometimes have to take what people say with a grain of salt, but what she said gave me pause over how he was treating me...
I've been seeing a counselor since at least late Sept-early Oct and he suspects my hubby has some OCD (he is a neat freak who will as an example reorganize our pantry to obsessive levels) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I've brought this up to hubby as delicately as possible and he denies he has a problem. He wouldn't go with me to counseling. He'd just say "No. Because I don't want to go. I don't think there's a problem." Finally after I told him I love him so much I want to make this work he begrudgingly agreed to go. He went with me twice, was on his best behavior both times. He wouldn't go anymore after that. When I brought that up to him, he lied and said I never mentioned it anymore, which is BS - every time we've fought I've told him we need to go and he'd either change the subject or ignore me.
I can also tell when he doesn't like something I bring up because he withdraws and gets very cold. He will just give me short, abrupt answers or get very sarcastic. Then he denies there is a problem. He plays mind games. He tells me I'm "too sensitive." Yes I am quite sensitive, but he is insensitive. I don't think he pays attention to what I say sometimes. I'll say something, he'll jump down my throat and take it the wrong way or claim I said something else. I think he just hears what he wants to hear.
It's gotten so bad from late Nov-onwards. For a few months we've been fighting at least once a week. End of March it was more than that. We adopted a puppy (or rather I did as he didn't really want her and I paid for everything/signed the papers) and things got worse. His OCD was really on display then. He treated the dog like a prisoner and I could tell he let me get her just to appease me, even though he talked up getting a dog before we were even married. I finally told him I was going down to my parents' the week before Easter for a couple of weeks, that I needed time and space to think. His answer? "Why wait until then, why don't you just go now." We had planned to go to his dad's (his mom died over 10 years ago) house for Easter. He claimed his dad wouldn't mind.
On March 31 I packed as many things as I could in my car along with the dog and drove down to my parents'. Since I've been here, I've felt so much better. I was dealing with so much stress and tension with him. I was hardly sleeping, I was having stomach problems. We'd have a huge fight, then there'd be the "honeymoon period" where he'd make nice to me, but then the tension would build and he'd go back to his old self. It was a never-ending cycle.
I talked to him on the phone yesterday and told him this wasn't working and I think it's best if we part ways. He said "Don't say that, honey." He said he didn't know I was this upset, that he "didn't understand the depth of it." Every time we had a fight I would get really upset, tell him he was going to drive me out of the house and how I'm finding it really hard to live with him. I can't believe he didn't see how upset I was. He's very unemotional, so when he started to sniffle on the phone it was hard for me to even think it was sincere. I told him I was done. He sent me an email this morning that he knows I said we're done but he wanted me to think about taking a vacation together for a week and remembering why we fell in love.
The bottom line is, he is not the man I fell in love with. I fell in love with an imposter. I think he spoiled me and told me all I wanted to hear just to hook me. I felt I had to leave him just to preserve my sanity and my health. I can't live with this guy. He says he'll change and go for counseling, but he's said this before and he just doesn't change. I don't know if he wants to change or if he's capable of it. I want to look into getting a mediator because I want this to be as amicable as possible.
He also asked if we could do a separation for maybe 3 months. I think he really needs help and it's not something that can be fixed in only 3 months. I really want to divorce. Am I being fair? I know we've been married less than 8 months but he really fooled me ... not just me, but my family and friends as well. I've tried to see things from his POV, I've been patient, I've tried to understand where he's coming from. But he is just impossible to live with. I've tried to talk to him but he insists he's doing nothing wrong and it's all my fault or my perception of his behavior. It recently got to the point where I was crying nearly every day and on the phone I'd tell my mom that I'm in Hell. I used to dream of having a nice family life with him, having kids and everything but I can't even do that. If his OCD/controlling nature is out of whack with a dog, I can't see how it would be any better with kids.
Anyway... He was incredible. He was so fun-loving, generous ... he wined and dined me, was generous with my family... The only odd thing was that he didn't talk much about his childhood or family. But again I overlooked it. We had a great relationship and seemed to have so many things in common.
We got engaged in early Dec. 2010, a year and 3 months after we started dating. In the months following we had a few arguments that were chalked up to stress from wedding plans and etc.
He totally changed after we got married. There was animosity towards my parents, especially my mom, who is a sweet, generous person. We moved about 90 miles away from them and at the time part of me wondered if he was trying to isolate me, although I'd fallen in love with the area to which we moved. He grew very controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. He'd talk down to me like I was a child, even when I was sick (I caught a bug on our honeymoon). He was a workaholic and for a couple of months he wouldn't come home sometimes until after 9 or 10pm (he's in the accounting field and I know things would get busy at certain times ... but still...). He was also very sarcastic and whenever I'd calmly confront him about his behavior he'd get very defensive or twist things around to make it sound like I was the one with the problem. He also likes to drink quite a bit. He wouldn't usually drink during the week, but on the weekends (Fri, Sat and Sun) he'd have at least 5 drinks a night. Sometimes he seemed uptight and like he needed the alcohol to relax.
He actually picked a fight with my mom on Thanksgiving. She was helping us out by giving us a few things for the house (which we hadn't been in long). He has problems accepting not only gifts, but offers of help from anyone in general. He's apparently been on his own for a while and seems to see getting help as a sign of weakness. I think it comes down to his controlling personality. He's also extremely stubborn and won't compromise.
I should mention that I accidentally stumbled across his ex's public Facebook page (I did a search for one of my interests and she ended up sharing it with me). She had a blog linked on it. Out of curiosity (over the interests thing) I clicked on it. She'd posted about him and said they were only married for a year because he was verbally abusive. I never told him that I found her blog and I never sought contact with her in any way. I know you sometimes have to take what people say with a grain of salt, but what she said gave me pause over how he was treating me...
I've been seeing a counselor since at least late Sept-early Oct and he suspects my hubby has some OCD (he is a neat freak who will as an example reorganize our pantry to obsessive levels) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I've brought this up to hubby as delicately as possible and he denies he has a problem. He wouldn't go with me to counseling. He'd just say "No. Because I don't want to go. I don't think there's a problem." Finally after I told him I love him so much I want to make this work he begrudgingly agreed to go. He went with me twice, was on his best behavior both times. He wouldn't go anymore after that. When I brought that up to him, he lied and said I never mentioned it anymore, which is BS - every time we've fought I've told him we need to go and he'd either change the subject or ignore me.
I can also tell when he doesn't like something I bring up because he withdraws and gets very cold. He will just give me short, abrupt answers or get very sarcastic. Then he denies there is a problem. He plays mind games. He tells me I'm "too sensitive." Yes I am quite sensitive, but he is insensitive. I don't think he pays attention to what I say sometimes. I'll say something, he'll jump down my throat and take it the wrong way or claim I said something else. I think he just hears what he wants to hear.
It's gotten so bad from late Nov-onwards. For a few months we've been fighting at least once a week. End of March it was more than that. We adopted a puppy (or rather I did as he didn't really want her and I paid for everything/signed the papers) and things got worse. His OCD was really on display then. He treated the dog like a prisoner and I could tell he let me get her just to appease me, even though he talked up getting a dog before we were even married. I finally told him I was going down to my parents' the week before Easter for a couple of weeks, that I needed time and space to think. His answer? "Why wait until then, why don't you just go now." We had planned to go to his dad's (his mom died over 10 years ago) house for Easter. He claimed his dad wouldn't mind.
On March 31 I packed as many things as I could in my car along with the dog and drove down to my parents'. Since I've been here, I've felt so much better. I was dealing with so much stress and tension with him. I was hardly sleeping, I was having stomach problems. We'd have a huge fight, then there'd be the "honeymoon period" where he'd make nice to me, but then the tension would build and he'd go back to his old self. It was a never-ending cycle.
I talked to him on the phone yesterday and told him this wasn't working and I think it's best if we part ways. He said "Don't say that, honey." He said he didn't know I was this upset, that he "didn't understand the depth of it." Every time we had a fight I would get really upset, tell him he was going to drive me out of the house and how I'm finding it really hard to live with him. I can't believe he didn't see how upset I was. He's very unemotional, so when he started to sniffle on the phone it was hard for me to even think it was sincere. I told him I was done. He sent me an email this morning that he knows I said we're done but he wanted me to think about taking a vacation together for a week and remembering why we fell in love.
The bottom line is, he is not the man I fell in love with. I fell in love with an imposter. I think he spoiled me and told me all I wanted to hear just to hook me. I felt I had to leave him just to preserve my sanity and my health. I can't live with this guy. He says he'll change and go for counseling, but he's said this before and he just doesn't change. I don't know if he wants to change or if he's capable of it. I want to look into getting a mediator because I want this to be as amicable as possible.
He also asked if we could do a separation for maybe 3 months. I think he really needs help and it's not something that can be fixed in only 3 months. I really want to divorce. Am I being fair? I know we've been married less than 8 months but he really fooled me ... not just me, but my family and friends as well. I've tried to see things from his POV, I've been patient, I've tried to understand where he's coming from. But he is just impossible to live with. I've tried to talk to him but he insists he's doing nothing wrong and it's all my fault or my perception of his behavior. It recently got to the point where I was crying nearly every day and on the phone I'd tell my mom that I'm in Hell. I used to dream of having a nice family life with him, having kids and everything but I can't even do that. If his OCD/controlling nature is out of whack with a dog, I can't see how it would be any better with kids.