Girlygirl, when you are at work or at a safe friends house call the Crisis Line or get the local number from the police or phone book. Talk to them. They will tell you exactly what to do.
Everyone here is posting excellent things. But you need to take the first step, well you've taken the first step by admitting there is a problem. That is important. You know that you are in trouble and even tho you think you love him and you want to do the 'right' thing, there is something wrong. And he will not change. We all think we've loved someone who may not be right for us or has been bad to us nad we don't want to hurt them. But it will go away. The most important thing here is YOU. If he kills you people will loose their daughter, cousin, friend, niece, aunt, future mother, ....
Now for the second step: Get help! Call! You don't have to do anything yet, just call and get your options and information.
You must stay safe, don't let on that there is anything wrong. Women are most often killed by their partners when they leave and when they are pregnant. Call the local Crisis Line. They can keep you safe. Nothing is more valuable than you. A healthy you.
Any of us would be willing to help you find the number if we knew what city/town you live in. Don't let him find you on this site. Or anything about it in your emails.
Keep your wallet, money, car keys somewhere close at all times. If you are afraid, listen to it and do what it tells you to do. Use your gut instinct. Don't let excuses keep you in danger (I need more money, I have to work, etc...) Where is your family? Will/can they help you?
Please keep us posted. We are here for you...
I've told my Dad what has happened, but it I almost as if h doesn't think its a big deal. I mean, he said "If there is abuse in the marriage, you don't need to stay" but, I feel like my dad almost sympathizes with him because the reason he an my mom never stayed together was cause he hurt her once physically in a fight.
I plan on calling somewhere, but, I feel embarrassed. Partly due to the fact that I know there are woman out there who are in much worse situations than me, and partly because I don't.think I have accepted what has happened as "abuse". I mean, I know its wrong, but, I feel like since it only happens when he is mad that its just a really bad temper he has. I guess I have been brainwashed.
And, do any of y'all even know if I leave, can I file for divorce.after that? I live in Alabama so, I'm not.sure how I have to do it than. Posted via Mobile Device
I know there are woman out there who are in much worse situations than me
I LOVE YOU, girlygirl, and I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
I am putting this in all caps so you will understand how adamant I am about this.
I AM 55 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A WOMAN WHO WAS CHOKED AND SMOTHERED BY HER HUSBAND!!!!! The only women worse off than you are the DEAD ones!!!!
1. Get OUT.
2. When you land somewhere new (like at your new job) and get a new place GO TO THE POLICE AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER against your husband. Explain to them what has happened.
3. Hire an attorney in your new location and FILE FOR DIVORCE. If you cannot afford an attorney, call LEGAL AID (they are listed in the Yellow Pages). They offer 'free' or 'low cost' legal advice for your new state.
4. Insist that your father and employees at your old job location ABSOLUTELY do NOT reveal your new location to your husband. He has threatened to kill you.
5. Contact a women's abuse hotline/office in your new location. they WILL help you with counseling, legal advice, advice on how to be safer/protect yourself from your husband finding you.
First off, GET OUT! Go where the new job is and talk to the cops or a crisis line there, the cops can give you the number of a shelter. The shelter can help you with finding places to stay and the rest of it. You are *so* lucky to already have another job waiting! And no kids! But you have to *GO* if you want to *LIVE*.
The reason I'm not mentioning family or friends or anything like that is he knows about them and probably where they live. He *will* come looking for you. In order to beg for you to come back at first, and then to kill you if you won't. Advice from family is not looking good, but maybe friends will be supportive, but right now you can ask this group of people anything you want and if we're anywhere near where you are, I bet you will even get physical help, hell I got a bed you can borrow for a few nights.
Do you have a smart phone? Can you read books on it? There's a book you need, it's called Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, it's about how to trust your fear instinct, to not let the be nice, the be polite, the always love, etc get in the way of the instinct that says this person is scaring me, let's run. He also describes the things to look for in the run up to violence. He and his company have worked for all branches of the government including the Secret Service, the Supreme Court, etc, and lots and lots of celebrities as protection and helping with how to deal with stalkers and other forms of threat. De Becker's mother was violent when he was a child so he has those instincts from way back.
BUT HERE'S THE THING ABOUT RESTRAINING ORDERS!! In order to know how to avoid you, they have to tell him where you are, where you live, where you work. Restraining orders can get women killed. Have gotten women killed. I was looking up women killed by husbands on Google news to show you how serious it was and ran into two on the first page of them. "Woman murdered after receiving restraining order" came up twice.
So *please*??? Be careful! Get out soon! Don't feel guilty! Think of it this way, he's sick, but you are not his cure, maybe the service can help him, and you can call his CO (from a phone booth!) somewhere from the road and warn him, but you right now are a trigger for his sickness and you need to get away from him.
The Crisis Line, or whatever they call it in your neck of the woods, can answer all your questions. Feeling embarrassed is normal. But we all know you are brave and strong. I know you are scared. I know you prolly feel like you are letting yourself and family down. But You are the important thing here. The book Erikagillian mentioned is awesome and easy to read.
Yes, restraining orders can get you killed. The problem is he can walk right up to you and do anything he wants before the cops can get there, and even tho the cops are sympathetic, they can't do anything unless they are there.
Sit back, relax a minute, take a deep breath. Write down your questions and call the crisis line. Just to get answers to your questions. There is a lot of good advicehere but you are being bombarded with info. You need a plan. eWe are your support.
Lots of men (incl your dad) and even lots of women will tell you to just buck up and take it. Don't listen to them. They are in denial about how bad this problem is. Women are still second class citizens in this world. Don't be embarrassed because your situation may be less "worse" than others. There are women here who have gone through it saying, "RUN" for a reason. It can get bad in a heart beat. Many many women live in this situation for many many years. By then they are so torn and beat down and full of self loathing and insecurity it will take years to recover, if ever. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can heal and find a happy healthy life. Also remember, you don't need a man to be happy. Find out who you are and who you want to be, then find someone you can be happy with.
Call, Call, Call Girlygirl! You can do it! What bad can come of it? No one is going to make you do anything. We are here for you.
I have never used one of these before, so please bear with me. I am just looking for a little advice from people who know nothing about me.
I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. I am only 21, and I married way to young. When we met, we had spent a week together, and fell in love. My husband was in the Marine Corps, and got sent overseas not long after. While he was overseas, we ended up getting married, and then spend the rest of the year apart.
Anyways, to get down to the point, my husband and I are both Christians. He was raised a Christian though, and I was not, so sometimes I struggle with it. My husband has an AWFUL temper, he gets very angry at little things. There have been plenty of times that we have gotten into an argument because my husband says I am not being "submissive" or I am not "obeying" him like the Bible commands me to do. He will yell at me, and sometimes I end up yelling back, which turns into him calling me a bitc*, *****, ****, a waste of human life, a piece of trash, him telling me he hates me, he wished he never met me, and so on. There have also been a few times where he has said things like that, and I may tell him to shut up, or leave me alone, and than he usually will choke me or something. Sometimes when I am crying really loud, or he wants me to shut up, he puts it hand over my mouth and nose so I can barely breath, and yells at me till I stop crying.
Anyways, I have tried to talk to him about it, but every time I do, he says I should not have provoked him, and that it is not abuse because he does not come home and beat me, he doesnt punch me, he doesnt get mad at me for not having dinner ready and than punch me in the face. He tells me that he is just taking control because he is "the head of the household" and he deserves "respect".
I am just a little lost on what to do. I love my husband with all my heart, but I do not like him at all right now. I want to leave him, but he doesn't want a divorce because the Bible only allows divorce for adultery being committed, otherwise, you are committing adultery with anybody else you are with afterwards. I also am afraid to hurt him. I know he loves me, and I know how much it would tear him apart to lose me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable or wishing I had done something different, but I don't want to hurt him either!
The christian thing to do is get 2 rolls of duct tape, a shovel, some crazy glue, baseball bat, and a womans wig. Oppps, I thought you needed a laugh, that's the best I got.
Go see the pastor @ ur church, see what he has to say. Seek MC, a christian one and tell him what the bible says about Jesus and the church, "husbands, love ur wives as Christ loves the church."
No offense mouse, but her pastor is enabling the abuse.
Girlygirl, your rationalizing is exactly what every abused woman out there thinks. I work with a girl who left het abusive husband (she's a Christian and he was actually a pastor for a while!). She told me she'd rationlize that it was OK for.him to hit her as long as he didnt do it in front of the kids.
Please run away soon! U R in danger! Posted via Mobile Device
Is it normal for people like this to switch back and forth all the time? I mean, for instance, yesterday he got so mad and threw his keys in the grass after Church, and got mad at me because I wasn't helping him look for them. He then yelled and told me how I am ruining his life and asked me why I am so disrespectful (I find it hard to respect somebody who has treated me this way), and than about a half hour later apologized, telling me he was sorry for acting that way and getting so angry, than so depressingly told me that if I wanted to leave, I can go, and he won't stop me, and he wont kill me. He said that he has already accepted the fact that I am going to leave, and that it isnt fair to keep him hanging on. And, while I agree with him, it isn't fair for me to keep tricking him, I don't have it in my heart to look him in the face and tell him that I am leaving, while he is crying and is heart broken. I guess it makes me selfish, but I would rather just leave, and write him a letter explaining why. I mean, he just told me the other day that I am not allowed to be friends with one of my close friends anymore because, apparently when I am around her I am disrespectful to him and she is a bad influence.. Gosh, this is so hard, I HATE hurting people, and when I try to think about him with somebody else, for some reason it REALLY bothers me. What is WRONG with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's wrong with you? You are being abused. You aren't thinking straight. He knows what he does gets to you - that's why he does it. The real him comes out when he abuses you. The fake him knows if you leave he has no one to abuse so he snivels and cries because he knows that will get you to stay.
I have kids your age and my heart hurts so much reading what you are going through. I want to pluck you out of your situation and just hold you. At the same time my husband takes cast iron brass knuckles to your husbands ****.
It's not just common it is part of how it works! By being sweet and sad and something you think you can fix part of the time, and then controlling and scary part of the time, they keep you there. By separating you from your family and friends, and eventually he will stop you from working, they keep you from getting any perspective on what's happening in your life, and keep you from any help in getting out.
There is *NOTHING* wrong with *YOU*! He learned this craziness at his daddy's knee, literally, this is what his dad did to his mother. They can be incredibly fun and charming before you get into a committed relationship, or into a place where there's pressure and they need to let loose. But the manipulation is not your fault! Nor your reaction to it! And it is manipulation! He may not being doing all of it totally consciously, but it is a way to keep you with him, and if you stay, you will be hurt.
To reiterate! It's part of how it works, the back and forth between loving and crazy, between sad and sweet and authoritarian violence. Makes *you* feel crazy, right? There's also something called gaslighting, don't know if he's doing it yet, but they start questioning your view of reality, claiming something you both know happened one way, didn't. Do that enough and you will be crazy.
You're still in love with who he was before you got to know what he's really like, and it takes a while for that to go away, so the connection, and the memories, and the jealousy is going to be there. But really, it's about what he was like before, not what he's like now.
Girlygirl, it's totally normal in your situation. Part of the abuse is convincing you that your abuser (husband) would be helpless and lonely without you. They have moments of charm (let's say he brings you flowers) interspersed with the crazy rages.
Let me repeat: it's normal to feel this way in your situation. You aren't crazy, or weird. He's just done a number on you.
But let me also repeat: you are in danger. He's backpedaling when he says he won't hurt you. He realizes you're afraid now. You're still in danger as long as you stay with him. I can't stress this enough.
You have been brainwashed by your husband to believe that:
EVERYTHING he says/wants/does is correct because GOD ordained it so (just because your husband is a male.)
EVERYTHING you say/want/do that DOESN'T AGREE with what he wants (even if he wanted it LAST WEEK) is WRONG...and you must be CORRECTED because GOD ordained it so (just because you are a female.)
Because you were unfamiliar with the Christian religion, you have believed your husband's view of Christian marriage (just because he was raised in the Church.)
Your husband has consistently TOLD you, DEMANDED of you, INSISTED that you, TAUGHT you whatever was in his best interest (notice 'God' never tells your husband to sit down, shut up, be respectful, act correctly). He has consistently ARGUED with you, DISAGREED with you, ATTACKED you, CORRECTED you until you came into line (willingly or not) with his way of thinking. He has spent ALL THIS TIME convincing you that YOUR BRAIN doesn't work right. That HIS BRAIN is always right. Of course you're confused now.
Your brain still works as well as ever. You just haven't been allowed to exercise your own thoughts, actions, decisions for a long time. They still work, honey! If your husband was a total d*ck-head ALL THE TIME, it would be EASY to leave him. But, he's nice/sorry/sweet/loving JUST enough to keep you off-balance...he's not always NICE and he's not always a B*STARD. [As someone else pointed out, he's probably not even doing this on purpose. He learned what worked/what didn't by observing his family's home life as a child.]
If your husband does, indeed, know you're leaving (and he does...he's admitted it); he may believe he has NOTHING TO LOSE by beating the living cr*p out of you the next time he loses his temper at your home (he was outside of church yesterday...he HAD to behave.) It WON'T BE GOOD.
PLEASE LEAVE THIS WEEK! Run away with your life and your dignity.
I'm not christian but I do have christian/catholic family... and I will say this. No matter what belief system/religion you follow there are those who will twist the meaning of the morals/guidelines that each belief/religion has. I would suggest seeing a therapist/counselor that uses their head in such a matter... not one who will condone violence and justify it... It could be a christian one or it could be a non christian one... whichever it is you need to make sure they are fair and have a good head on their shoulders. Oh and my opinion on the priest/pastor whatever... condoning the abuse... "SHAME ON HIM" People like him focus more on the OBEY and use it as a reason to treat the wife as nothing more then a mere dog/slave. They completely forget the love and honor.. out of that.
Girlygirl, if you want to write a letter & leave when he is not there, go for it. Make a copy of it, so you have in writing why you left him in case anything happens.
He is bringing in the next classic step of an abuser - trying to isolate you from your friends (and eventually family). This goes hand in hand with the emotional rollercoaster he is taking you on.
I had a neighbour once who a. was not allowed to work and b. see friends or family. They weren't in that unit long before he king hit her and broke her nose. Cops were called. They moved out not long after. I often wonder if she is still alive.....