I do appreciate all of your support. I am trying to be strong, but I also have to try to find a second job before I go, because we had leased me a new car, an I am.afraid I won't make enough at the job I do have to make it. I ash there was something he would do to change, but he wouldn't even agree go counseling ... I'm just afraid I will try to call or apologize after I leave. Posted via Mobile Device
1.) A car is NOT worth your life, your health, or your dignity. Wherever you are moving to, you will FIND a 2nd job (they're easier to find once you're in the NEW town anyway.)
2.) Worst case, you lose the car and have to walk or take public transportation to work until you can get another vehicle.
3.) A crisis center in your new town can help you locate a job (and maybe tide you over with some emergency funds until you get one.) They will also help you UNDERSTAND that there is NO CONTACT with him once you're in your new town. Once you're out from under his thumb (and his smothering/choking hands) for a few weeks, YOU yourself will see the value/importance of NO CONTACT. You will start to feel like the 'old' you...the one BEFORE he emotionally beat you down into believing EVERYTHING he said.
Every day, every week you stay...you are INCREASING the chance of serious injury or death. There just ARE no good reasons to stay. Be strong, say a prayer to God, and GET OUT.
One more thing... We can have periods of like a month or so where we don't get into bad arguments, or he doesn't say anything really mean or get physical.. so, does that still make it abuse? I mean, for instance, it isn't every argument that we get into that it gets that way, sometimes he will get really mad and not call me names and not get physical with me.
One more thing... We can have periods of like a month or so where we don't get into bad arguments, or he doesn't say anything really mean or get physical.. so, does that still make it abuse? I mean, for instance, it isn't every argument that we get into that it gets that way, sometimes he will get really mad and not call me names and not get physical with me.
Yes it's still abuse if there are breaks in it. It's normal for a abusive person to not be abusive every day or everyweek. There are good times. The good times are part of the abuse cycle.
If he was abusive every day you would probably find it easy to leave very quickly... so an abuser has a cycle.. the are good for a while, then when they feel their victim is getting stronger and feeling safe.. they start the abuse again. Once they feel that they have their victim back under control they start acting 'good' again.
Asking if it's abuse because there are times when he's good is like asking if it's really assault an battery because the local neighborhood mugger only mugs only ladies once a month.
Or is it really rape if a rapist only rapes once every few weeks... after all he does not do it all the time.
Go to a facility for abused wives and see if they have a place you can stay. Many of them have free housing available that you can stay at while you look for a new or second job. In the mean time you can use the money from your current job to pay for your auto lease.
Show it to someone you know and trust. Someone older. A mentor, older sibling, parent. Get their thoughts. Read EleGirls post(s).
Use your head. If you feel like it is a secret or something to be shamed by or fearful of and careful with, then that should tell you something. Are you afraid? Why do you think that is so?
Your husband is an infant in a mans body. A controlling, insecure sniveling coward who commands no respect from anyone - so attempts to extract it from you by force. He builds himself up by tearing you down.
Get help. Now. It is not normal. The more light you shine on this situation, the better off you will be.
"...I am just afraid if I leave him, he will do something stupid to himself. And divorce seems so complicated and expensive. I just know he has good in him, but his temper is awful. It runs in his family, because his father is the same way, and still can be, with his wife. I look at them, and see the way he acts towards her, and it scares me thinking that could be me someday..."
dont you see? 'someday' is already here.
'doing something stupid to himself' - again - that is the spoiled childs way of controlling you. The equivelant of a 5 year old holding their breath until they turn blue.
You need to remove yourself from this situation. 'expensive and complicated'? My guess is, you cannot afford t do otherwise. What is your life worth to you?
We can have periods of like a month or so where we don't get into bad arguments, or he doesn't say anything really mean or get physical.. so, does that still make it abuse?
I will say it again.
Choking, hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, smothering, elbowing, spitting...these are ALL physical abuse. Any time someone puts their hands (or any other body part: elbow, knee) on another person IN ANGER, IT IS ABUSE.
Once, once in a while, once a week, once a month, once in your life....it makes NO difference. It is abuse. Every single time it happens.
Okay, could somebody please help me answer this. Sometimes when we argue and I tell him he is abusive, he retaliates back with "How come woman can do whatever the hell they want, an when a male tries to control her or shut her up, they yell.abuse" an he says "I am not a doormat an I won't be treated like one, if you don't respect me I will make you".. he also told.me a little while back that sometimes the reason he gets physical is because he knows it makes me afraid of him, and at least when I'm afraid that is a form of respect .. Posted via Mobile Device
Okay, could somebody please help me answer this. Sometimes when we argue and I tell him he is abusive, he retaliates back with "How come woman can do whatever the hell they want, an when a male tries to control her or shut her up, they yell.abuse" an he says "I am not a doormat an I won't be treated like one, if you don't respect me I will make you".. he also told.me a little while back that sometimes the reason he gets physical is because he knows it makes me afraid of him, and at least when I'm afraid that is a form of respect .. Posted via Mobile Device
First off women don't do whatever the hell they want.. secondly he is using that line as an excuse to treat you like crap. It is perfectly in your right to be treated with EQUAL respect... and you do NOT have to respect and/or OBEY him if you do not wish too. He's full of ****ing crap and he's nothing more then a ****ing control freak. Being feared is not a form of respect... but if he thinks it is.. well what the hell ever.. you should tell him to shove his delusions about respect up his effing ahole. I was with a man that thought the same way once... but unlike you my father taught me that no woman should ever be treated like dirt and if a man thinks he has the right to do so... CLOCK HIM. Of course... I did just that with the said abusive man i was with... the moment he put his hands on me. He only did it once... then never again afterwards.
Of course you don't HAVE to nor do you need to get physical with your man but you should be assertive right back and tell him if he can't respect you as a human being then clearly there is no relationship there. Stop letting him use his so called religious upbringing against you.
It is true that SOME men may try to garner respect through fear and intimidation. I can see a POSSIBLE argument for this in a father/child relationship.
You are NOT his child, you are his wife and he needs to earn your respect, not beat you into submission. Frankly, striking you once is one too many times.
Listen to these folks and get out of there. Give yourself an opportunity to find a man who will love you like Christ loved the church, not beat you. Please quit second-guessing yourself and leave before you get hurt. Posted via Mobile Device
Girlygirl, you need to stop questioning and wondering and trying to figure him out. This is paralyzing you. You need to quit the Q&A and get moving.
Your husband is nuts - NUTS - plain and simple. You cannot reason with him, you cannot explain anything to him, and he deserves no consideration from you.
First off, GirlyGirl, do NOT argue back with him. He is dangerous and it will ONLY make him angrier. The angrier he gets, the more serious your situation.
Just for YOUR OWN information (NOT to be shared with your husband, NOT to be used to refute his arguements, but just PURELY so YOU WILL SEE HOW ILLOGICAL his thinking is), I will refute his points (I won't call them 'arguments' because they're stupid. They're illogical and childish.)
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he retaliates back with "How come woman can do whatever the hell they want
Where in the world would Chris ever MEET these women who 'do whatever the hell they want'? Certainly not at HIS house. You're not allowed to disagree with ANYTHING he says or thinks. You're not allowed to question any of his religious beliefs! Just recently he told you that you were no longer 'allowed' to hang out with one of YOUR friends because he didn't like it. Certainly not at his dad's house! Your step-MIL isn't allowed to go to the bathroom without permission from Chris' dad. So he's making up generalizations because he's full of sh!t. To him, a woman who 'does whatever the hell she wants' is as much a mythical creature as a mermaid or the Easter Bunny.
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an when a male tries to control her or shut her up, they yell.abuse
Chris is too ignorant to know that the only person you can EVER 'control' is yourself! You don't 'control' other PEOPLE, you control animals (dogs on a leash, lions in a cage, horses on a rein.) If you try to 'shut her up' by putting your hands on her neck or over her face, you ARE committing abuse. Maybe CHRIS doesn't see anything wrong with it, but it's STILL ABUSE. No matter what HE calls it. He doesn't HAVE to BELIEVE it, it is still a fact; a legal fact.
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he says "I am not a doormat an I won't be treated like one
A doormat is something you wipe your shoes on. If he equates being disagreed with to wiping your shoes on him, he's NUTS (which he is...sad, but true. Chris is unhinged, he has no self-control.)
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if you don't respect me I will make you
You can never MAKE someone respect you. Respect is earned by a deserving person and given freely by the person in question. What Chris is after is FEAR and BLIND OBEDIENCE. These are NOT the same things as RESPECT. Respect is a feeling that someone is WORTHY of your admiration. That is WAY different than being in fear of someone. If you kick a dog, it may fear you. If you are kind to a dog, it may love you. But it will NEVER respect you. A dog is incapable of admiration. But Chris has mistaken 'fear' for 'respect'. He needs a dictionary.
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he also told.me a little while back that sometimes the reason he gets physical is because he knows it makes me afraid of him, and at least when I'm afraid that is a form of respect
Chris is full of cr*p. He wouldn't know RESPECT if it stood up and saluted him!
Love, fear, obedience, respect are ALL DIFFERENT THINGS. They are not interchangeable ideas. They are NOT different WORDS for the SAME THING. Only in Chris' warped mind and warped family upbringing have they mixed it ALL up.
No abuser ever sees himself as an abuser. Or he has a handy excuse for his behaviour. He is using fear to gain power and control over you. There will calm times, even good times, but these will only last long enough to lull you into a false sense of security. Please please prepare yourself for getting away within the next couple of weeks .....be yourself in the meantime so he doesn't suspect anything.
Otherwise how many times are you going to be visiting the hospital over the next 30-40 years? How many broken bones and black eyes are you going to have to make excuses for? Do you want your family and friends to bury you before your time??? If he is choking you already this early in your marriage, what the hell do you think is going to happen as time goes on?? No, its not going to improve, it will steadily get worse.
anotherguy, she has already tried to talk to others about this, and they have all given her the s*****y advice of staying and "obeying".
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Re: Abuse and Christianity 
