I know a lot of you are going to be very disappointed in me, and I am too. Being the weak person that I am, I answered when he called me yesterday. He asked me to come home to talk about who will get what during the divorce, and so I told him I would come TALK to him, and that I am not sleeping there.
Well, I guess that is where I messed up, because I came home, and he hugged me and held onto me and would not let me go. He begged me to lay down with him, and he held onto me and said he will never let me go again. I told him that if he doesn't let me go that my friend will get worried and call the police. Than he told me that he will not let me go, and that they will have to kill him to get to me. He continued to act looney (he wasn't acting himself, he was acting like a weird obsessed man who just kidnapped the girl he is obsessed with).. so I continued to tell him how much I don't want to stay and for him to just accept it and let me go, and he wouldn't, he would just respond with how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, how he would rather have me married to him with me hating him, than him not being married to me at all. He told me how he would die without me, how his life has no meaning with me. Anyways, he said I can leave, but he will kill himself. So, I told him to "do it". I told him I don't care anymore, and that there are just empty threats, and when I told him to "do it", he said no, that he loves me and he can't lose me.
So, I had to go back to my friends house and get my stuff. Why didn't I just leave then, since he let me go alone? Well, he made me keep my dog at home, and my purse. I could have left somehow without my purse, but no way in hell could I leave without my dog.
Two things that freaked me out is when I came home after getting my stuff, I went to park in the garage (I always park in there), and our 3rd car was in there, and we NEVER park it in the garage. I asked him why he parked it there, and he said he was hoping that if I drove by I would see one of the cars missing, and that I would assume he is gone, and then I would come inside an he would have me again.
Than, I saw his handcuffs on the couch (he is a police officer), and I asked him why he had those out, and he told me they fell out of his belt. Than I told him he is LYING, because his belt is still in his truck, he never brings them in, and he said well they fell out of it so I just brought it inside, which was another lie because they are buckled into his belt, they don't just fall out. So, I am guessing he would have handcuffed me had I not cooperated.
So here I am, stuck again. I pretty much have to play it by his rules, and leave this damn state. He knows how to manipulate me and so I just have to go and not talk to him anymore.
Don't get down on yourself! It takes about 7 contacts for a woman to actually leave. (contact with ER personel, friend, pastor, phone call to crisis line, cops, etc) So really you have done well. I don't know the statistics on getting out the first time, prolly not high but you've done it once. The biggest problem I see is that he is a cop. You can't trust any cop in that town/city. Or any cop that know's him. The other problem is with every time you get out, harm to you and/or your dog goes up, up, up.
What kind of dog do you have? Are you in a big city? Small town?
Abusers are masters at ****ing with your head. And we women, especially when we are young loooove to hear that someone loves us so much. But learn now, it's not always true. Someone on here said, "I know a guy who is an ******* abuser, (sic) how would you like go out with him?? Remember how creeped out you were when you saw the other car int he garage? and the handcuffs on the couch? THOSE WERE PUT THERE TO SCARE YOU.
CALL CALL CALL someone on the list Erika (she's my sis btw) and MAKE A PLAN. That might be confusing you but what it means is that you secretly have everything you need and everything set and when it's safe you get the **** out. Someone will be there to pick you up. CALL CALL CALL. Oooh I wish I could come get you! But I'm in Ca. Stay safe. Don't talk to him about anything but normal stuff, and make a plan.
Wow, he's absolutely batsh*t. And he's a cop too? Jesus, this gets scarier and scarier. Is his erratic behavior anything his co-workers have noticed? He's not mentally fit to wear the uniform, and certainly should not be carrying a gun.
And now he's on high-alert, and will keep close watch over you. Keep your head down, act quiet and docile, and make your plan. The next time you leave there can be no change of heart. Get help, people waiting to take you in. Grab your purse and your dog and get outta Dodge. Far far away. Do not respond to any of his attempts to communicate with you.
And leave no trail. He's nuts enough to pursue you. Men like this HUNT women. You are not a human being. In his eyes you are a commodity, a prize, and you belong to him.
I think, if I'm remembering correctly, you are very young Girlygirl. Just 21 years old? You are a child, honey, with very little experience, and a whole lot of living to do. Listen to us.
I have to state this plainly. If your husband doesn't kill you, he will kill the next woman who is unfortunate enough to blunder into his life.
Let him kill himself. I mean it. The world will be safer without him. Carry no guilt with you if he does the deed. In saving yourself you will save the next woman. His future children will remain unborn, and they won't have to endure a life with this miswired lunatic as their father.
Don't bother with recriminations or guilt, we deal with the situation as we find it, now these are the circumstances. Let's do our best with what we got.
There's another thing here, my sister told you not to trust any cops near you, and I second that, they do back each other up, but spousal abuse is *very* common in cops! and this is one of the reasons why they protect each other! So this is not something to tell his work about till you're long gone.
Seriously, act docile, like you changed your mind, don't fight too much, maybe a little so it's not obvious but don't get him riled enough to hurt or kill you or the dog. And call. Make plans. Figure out what you need to take. Don't write anything down. Clear the cache and history on your web browser so he doesn't see this. Be sure you've got nothing incriminating on your phone. Be sure anyone who knows about this second job waiting for you knows who they need not to tell, ie any cop! Anyone from his church, his family. Be sure your friends and family who you tell know the same things. Don't tell anyone you don't have to, I'd include your dad in that as he didn't seem sympathetic. You can buy a one use cell phone and call people and tell them you're ok once you're safe. Anything your husband's name is on you gotta chuck, if he's paying the phone bill, etc, because he can claim stuff is stolen and have it traced. Especially we now know he's a cop. And you cannot go to any shelter in Alabama, the cops know where they are. Wait till you know he'll be gone for a while. If he's a cop he may come by while on shift, he may have his buddies checking up on you, saying you're cheating or something, be careful, and when you leave, do *not* look back.
Maybe when you decide to go, do it from work? Pack by filling your car in the garage with the door closed? Be sure nothing looks unusual and then go to your regular shift, tell you're boss what's going on, and then maybe work a bit to throw off someone checking on you then run.
You do not need to leave the state. Get in touch with a battered woman's center. They will set up a safe place for you to move to. Your husband will not know were you are. You can block him from your cell so you don't know if he's calling.
The center will then help you set up a plan for how to move on with your life.
If you can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it hidden in a room when your husband is there it could help you collect the into you need to prove that he has a sever problem and that you are not safe anywhere near him.
Come move to my state... and let your husband come too... I have family that would LOVE to meet him... and some of them happen to be in law enforcement as well.
Yeah, I live in North Alabama, and I am 21, and I have a Yellow Labrador.. that is why I had to come back yesterday, I could NEVER leave her behind. I know that he loves our dog, but, I wouldn't trust him to take care of her if he kept her.
My father in-law and my grandfather in-law are all law enforcement. They don't agree with what my husband is doing though, and I think one of them are coming down to talk to him soon.
One of my biggest problems is I am very sensitive, and I am a sucker for tears. As soon as he starts crying or saying how he is "unloveable", it breaks my heart and makes me give in. I know one of his biggest problems is that when he was 5, his mother cheated on his father, and they got a divorce. She kept in contact with him for a few years, but after he turned 11, his mother cut off all ties with him and would never talk to him. So, I know that has caused him a lot of problems. He did agree to marriage counseling though, do any of you think this will really help?
Maybe... it could if you learned not to show so much emotion... he's taking advantage of that and sees it as a weakness... which probably gives him the impression that he's a predator and your his prey.... start being more aloof, distant, and assertive in things you do. Don't fall for any tricks or traps he may throw your way. Don't be a doe.... be a lioness....
Yeah, I live in North Alabama, and I am 21, and I have a Yellow Labrador.. that is why I had to come back yesterday, I could NEVER leave her behind. I know that he loves our dog, but, I wouldn't trust him to take care of her if he kept her.
My father in-law and my grandfather in-law are all law enforcement. They don't agree with what my husband is doing though, and I think one of them are coming down to talk to him soon.
One of my biggest problems is I am very sensitive, and I am a sucker for tears. As soon as he starts crying or saying how he is "unloveable", it breaks my heart and makes me give in. I know one of his biggest problems is that when he was 5, his mother cheated on his father, and they got a divorce. She kept in contact with him for a few years, but after he turned 11, his mother cut off all ties with him and would never talk to him. So, I know that has caused him a lot of problems. He did agree to marriage counseling though, do any of you think this will really help?
While the story of his mom abandoning him is sad, it does not excuse his behavior.
I'm sorry to say this but marriage counseling will not help. The two of you need individual counseling first before you can ever make your marriage work.
He needs anger management and other very serious conseling. And even that seldom works on a person like him.
And you need counseling for things like how to get away from an abusive person, why you put up with his abuse and how to stop being attracted to abuse.
Only after the two of you have taken care of your own problems can you come together and as a married couple and make it work.
Yeah, I live in North Alabama, and I am 21, and I have a Yellow Labrador.. that is why I had to come back yesterday, I could NEVER leave her behind. I know that he loves our dog, but, I wouldn't trust him to take care of her if he kept her.
My father in-law and my grandfather in-law are all law enforcement. They don't agree with what my husband is doing though, and I think one of them are coming down to talk to him soon.
One of my biggest problems is I am very sensitive, and I am a sucker for tears. As soon as he starts crying or saying how he is "unloveable", it breaks my heart and makes me give in. I know one of his biggest problems is that when he was 5, his mother cheated on his father, and they got a divorce. She kept in contact with him for a few years, but after he turned 11, his mother cut off all ties with him and would never talk to him. So, I know that has caused him a lot of problems. He did agree to marriage counseling though, do any of you think this will really help?
Marriage counseling absolutely will not help right now. When an abuser an a victim are in counseling together, all it serves to do is provide more ammunition for him to use against you. All he will do is play the good guy while you sincerely open yourself to the process. If you mention the choking, handcuffs, threats etc, he'll deny it and come back on you later for telling "lies" and exposing the truth.
It's extremely risky, especially given how volatile he is. Maybe you don't tell him "no" straight out, just spend a lo-o-ng time looking for the "right" therapist until he changes his mind.
We all had crap happen to us as kids and adults, but most of us don't take it out on vulnerable people by hitting them and making them feel bad and worthless and scared.
Make sure you are erasing everything off of your cell phone, don't call anyone out of the ordinary on your landline. Erase the history and cache on your computer.
Having his family talk to him may very well, and probably make him escalate. It will piss him off and take it out on you.
You said earlier you don't trust him to take care of your doggy. How can you trust him to take care of you?
Answer me a question, are you afraid to call a crisis line or Women's Shelter?
Girlygirl, please get in contact with the crisis line or one of the shelters NOW...I am sure the women and children there will love having a dog around.
The first thing you must tell them is that your abuser is a cop. Abuser, not husband. The level of emotional abuse you are receiving is more than enough even if there hadn't been anything physical. What is it going to take for you to leave?
I am praying for you, and hope that you see your way to safety.
Rachel, yes, to be honest, I am not really afraid to call a woman's shelter, more ashamed and embarassed. I just feel like they are going to laugh at me because it doesn't happen all the time, and it is only when he gets really mad at me.
My BIGGEST problem is the guilt I am already experiencing. He has been acting so pitiful since Monday, and it is killing me. Not to mention that the friend who's house I went to, he made me delete her as my facebook friend, and he made me delete her from my contacts. He said that she is a bad influence because when I am around her I act "mouthy". It is because on Sunday while he was at work, I told him I needed the day to think about things, and my friend had asked me to go hang out with her and her family at the river and go swimming. I went with her, and my husband got mad at me because he said "I should have been thinking, not hanging out with my ***** friend" (which by the way, she is not a whor*, she is just more liberal and my husband does not like liberals), and when he called me, it made me mad that he was yelling at me so I stood up to him, and that is why he thinks I am mouthy when I am around her.
And last night, one of the other girls I work with who my husband asked me to delete off of facebook and my phone, she texted me and started yelling at me and calling me an idiot for going back home and she told me that my friends are not going to be there for me anymore. I am just glad I can at least talk on here, because if it weren't for all of you on here, I wouldn't have anybody. My friends don't seem to understand how hard it is to give up on somebody that you promised your life to, and vowed to love until "death to us part".
60Likes
Re: Abuse and Christianity 
