MmHo

Hi Girlygirl

I just wanted to say that I was in exact same situation as yourself and took all his abuse for 2years. I am 55. The more I asked him to stop the more he did it. No amount of reasoning with him would stop him.

He is a high functioning Borderline Personality which means he can modify hs behaviour to the outside world but I was his only easy target for all his hatred and love when he chose to be nice.

I was told by his daughter(who is a doctor) to get a book called Walking on Eggshells...Living with a Borderline Personality...It answered all my questions.

I knew I could not stay as the domestic abuse just escalated. He told he he would destroy me if I left, and he has done his best to do that.

I moved out in Sept 2011. Into a rented house a couple of streest away from my daughter and grandchildren.

I am in the worst possible financial situation that I have ever been in in my entire life but I would rather live like this than spend another day with him.

Hopefully if things go well with the financial side of things I should get some sort of settlement, but really the money means little in comparison to having a life back.

It was really hard to leave him because there was always little bits of him that I loved.

But the worst thing has been reliving the trauma of what he did to me, nightmares, flashbacks.

Here in the Uk Domestic Violence is played down as I have found to my cost when I filed a report against him.

In the US things are taken more seriously I believe.

I hope you consider seriously filing these reports or at least make a diary because when it comes to court they will lie so very well that you will be completely crushed by what the have to say.

Good luck Girlygirl think of you x

Girlygirl1234

Hey y'all,

Sorry, I didn't know anybody else had replied on here because usually I get an email notification.

Is Borderline Personality disorder similar to being a sociopath? Just asking, because my husband is convinced that I am one. He says sociopaths don't care who they hurt, and they can act like 2 different people. He says I act.like such a sweet girl to everybody else, but to him I am mean and cold, and I have no "remorse" for trying to leave him and breaking his heart. I told him obviously I have remorse and I care or else it would be so much easier for me to leave.

But things haven't gotten crazy or anything like that since the last time I told yall about.. I know how to not make him blow up, I just have to be the way he wants me too.
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SabrinaBlue

Girlygirl, he's trying to trip you up by convincing you that you have mental health problems. Don't let him do this to you. Don't accept any labels he's trying to put on you. It's nothing more than his attempt to freak you out, manipulate your emotions, and keep you under his control.

Keep your head down and keep planning for the day you'll leave. You can do this.

MmHo

Visit BPD Central or BPD Family Forums and you will find lots of info there. The personalities BLAME everyone else in their life for all their hatred and sadness. One minute they are nice next second the are vile and nasty and depending on their level of functioning they can fool people big time.

If you stay with him you will end up going crazy because that is what the do to you. They cannot help themselves and will not seek help.

This is a serious situation that you need to get out of, trust me.
I went back 3 times and nothing changed except his behaviour got a lot worse because then He could go on and on and on about how I left him.

I hope you can get out of this situation pretty soon.
Take care Girlygirl hope you find the strength to do it.

Girlygirl1234

MmHo..

So, your ex has BPD? Is it the same thing as being a sociopath though? I dont honestly believe the things he tells me I am.. It is just frustrating because he has the nerve to tell me I have a problem. He has been bringing up the fact that I left him OVER AND OVER since it happened. All I hear lately is "You are the one who left me".. "You dont leave somebody you love".. "All you like to do it hurt me, you cant love me after all the pain you have put me through..". We got into an argument the other night, and he took a picture and hit himself over the head with it and got glass everywhere. Than, he took his gun and said he was going to kill himself.. AND IM THE CRAZY ONE? He screamed and yelled so loud that night, and he also crawled up in a ball on the floor and cried so hard.. yet I am crazy!

pidge70

BPD is NOT the same as a sociopath........gads.

MmHo

Hi Girlygirl

No, as Pidge70 says it is not the same as being a Sociopath!
Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and BPD traits...
(Look at BPD Family website for lots of help and info) is that:

They have problems in maintaining stable relationships.
They 'flip' from one minute loving you then hating you.
They fly into uncontrollable rages within seconds and the smallest of triggers will set them off.
They are never to blame for any of their problems...they will always put the blame on someone else, usually their partner.
They can be very impulsive...spending money, or have some form of addiction.... alcohol, drugs, gambling.
They have a very black and white way at looking at things.
They have a major fear of abandoment.

Their inner turmoil apparently stems from a very troubled childhood.... there is a lot more to be said about this if you search on line about BPD. Also getting them into therapy is difficult because they will rarely admit to having a problem.

There 9 traits I have not mentioned them all and I have only given a brief description of those above.

It seems that your partner could be exhibiting signs of BPD
If you can download a copy of the Book.... Walking on Eggshells.. Living with a Borderline Personality...this can help explain the disorder

My ex screamed like I have never heard another human being scream before and thumped himself in the head. The next minute he would be fine and I was left reeling from the verbal and emotional abuse and could not recover quickly from it.... often he had no recollection of it happening.... but if he did it was a totally different version to the one I witnessed....but always the blame was put on me.

When he is 'normal' you could not wish to meet a nicer man and that is the difficulty because leaving him was very difficult. I cry everyday and I mean sob my heart out for the loss of the man I first knew...I miss him so much but I do not have the courage or strength to go back.

I hope some of this information is of help.

Take Care and good luck

MmHo

Going Mental

A sociopath/psychopath (same thing really) does not have a concioucense like most people - they do not understand guilt or empathy. They are the con men, criminals and many CEOs of the world. The worst are the serial killers, the best are sponges/cadges of society. They reek havoc in a different way to BPD. Sounds like BPD has similarities to bi-polar too.

Keep safe, keep your head down as best you can as you work through a plan to leave. You are human, so you will always make mistakes - how is he going to react to those moments (even if you are far between incidences).

Can you see how his violence is escalating? He has now pushed your safety tolerance even further by brandishing his gun....a "real" police officer would not engender that level fear on those he purportedly loves. He choked you, now the gun is out....the more this happens the more he will think its acceptable behaviour as you are tolerating it by staying. I liken it to tolerating drug use....your struggle to leave is enabling more violence/abuse from him.

Please contact your friend and reestablish secret contact. At least she knows you are safe. Be straight with her with what has happened re deleting numbers etc and that whilst you haven't got to the point where you can leave, you will try to maintain your friendship as best you can in secret. I know this seems like you are lying to your H, but at this point you need to maintain support from someone outside your relationship.

as always, best wishes.

EleGirl

It does you no good to try to label or diagnose him. Even trained professionals can find it very hard to diagnose the mentally ill. So many disorders have overlapping symptoms/behaviors that doctors find it hard sometimes to tell one from the other. For the most part, the only tools available to diagnose are to measure behaviors. It’s not accurate at all.

For example I have a nephew who is diagnoses as a paranoid schizophrenic. When not medicated he spends a good part of his time in a psychotic state. It’s very scary to be around him when he’s experiencing psychoses. But the team of doctors how diagnose/treat him say that he might actually be bi-polar… some people who are bi-polar suffer psychotic episodes. So a team of professionals are not even sure how to diagnose him. From my point of view it does not matter what his diagnosis is. When in a psychotic state he is dangerous, has threatened to kill a lot of people… my family and me included. AT this point the only thing that matters to me is the safety of me and mine.

It sounds to me like your husband is mentally ill. And here you are trying to figure out how to label him?

He chokes you, breaks things on his head, waves a gun round and yet you are still living with him. You are here trying to argue that you are not the crazy one instead of doing something to save yourself and him.

We have all given you so much good advice and you do nothing. Well you are doing something; you are giving up more and more of your independence. You are exposing yourself to more and more violence. Why are you doing this?

I’m not trying to be mean here. I’m trying to wake you up. There are facilities that help people in your position. They will get you away from your husband and safe. They can even help him. I really think your husband is mentally ill. Instead of getting him to a doctor who can help him, you are just letting him escalate. You are allowing him to be the worst person he can be.

What are you going to do to help your husband and yourself? When are you going to do this?

If your husband had a high fever and was coughing up blood, would you get him to a doctor? Or would you just let it go on and on? I’ll bet you’d get him help. Well right now he has the mental health equivalent. He needs help. You are the one who can see his problem clearly. So it’s your responsibility to get him help. And that help starts with you getting help for yourself so that the professionals can help him.

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