Okay this is the email I just sent to my husband and it kind of let's you know some of the problems. I'm 23 he's 25, we've been married for two years and together for 8 but I moved out this past January, I was happy the first month after leaving, we weren't talking and I was just moving on with my life but then he got into a car wreck and broke his hip so I kind of had to be there for him and it made us start actually communicating. He says he's going to change but I'm just not interested in this relationship anymore. I feel bad but I know he won't really do anything I ask of him. I know I sound so sure that I'm ready to leave in the email but I can't help but feel bad cause he doesn't want the relationship to end at all! He says hell do whatever it takes and he has made some progress but I think it's to late because all I can think about is a life with someone else that can be a partner not a child.
Okay so I've realized that I need to be honest with you so I am not just leading you on. When they say "It's not you, it's me" that's what we're dealing with, kind of. The fact is, I have never been happy with our relationship, it's no secret, I've kind of let it be know with all my grumpiness and criticism. And it's not your fault, you are who you are and I want what I want, the two just don't go together. I'm not one to be quiet when I am not happy with something and you know that, but all I ever did was just complain and complain about it, I never was strong enough to change it. I really feel so sorry for that pathetic 19 year old I was, living with you letting you come and go as you pleased, staying gone for days and just didn't care what I had to say about it, and I just took it and told myself we are going to make it because when we were together it felt so good. I always told myself that once we were married you would treat me better because you took God seriously and it was a commitment to me and God, boy was I wrong. That "good" feeling was just being comfortable with someone you love, not some divine message letting me know we were meant to be, like I used to think.*
At this point in our relationship the bad times have WAY trumped the good times. And while I feel good being with you when we're getting along, I can't base a huge life decision on a good 20 minute couch cuddling. You live a life, not a relationship, so I need to be with someone that matches how I want to live my life. Basing my life around a relationship is silly, it should be part of my life, not consume it. You have such a good heart and so many good qualities, I've always known you would make such a good dad. You deserve to be with someone who accepts you, loves you and will make you happy. But I can not be that person, you know I drive you insane with all my crazy aspirations. Your so laid back, Im so uptight, sometimes maybe that works but with us, it just causes war because neither or us is open to compromise. *
I know you think I'm dumb when I say stuff like this but, the times when I have felt the worst about myself are times when you have brought me around things or to places where I just feel so ashamed to be there or around certain kinds of people. I'm not as snobby as you think, I don't think I am better than people but I do know what is right or wrong for me. Even when I was a dumb girl, I always knew that I didn't belong around certain people or places. The times when I would follow you to trashy after hours clubs just because I didn't want to go home by myself are some of the worst memories I have. I don't belong in places like that or around things like that and I'll never put myself in such a shameful position again! All these negative feelings I have about myself I associate with you, and that's probably the problem.**
Ever since I was 15, I've always planned my life around our relationship and never even considered anything that didn't involve you. Now I have realized that the only person I have in this world is myself, and I am in charge of making myself happy. I can't rely on a person or relationship to fulfill me, while this all sounds so cliche, I've just come to realize the truth in it. And you should be happy for me, I have done a lot of growing and you kind of pushed me into it. All those lonely nights, I did a lot of thinking about who I am and what I want to do with my life. I used to think we had a lot of the same goals, but we were kids, we didn't know what we really wanted or were capable of achieving. I never thought in a million year I would be the one graduating college and be so independent while your still trying to work for your dad and still not done with school. What I loved about you was, that I thought you were so smart and going to take me places in life but I've learned it doesn't work like that. Looking forward now, we are just two totally different people trying to hold on to something that we never even valued when we had it.*
I've told you time and time again what I want in a relationship and you just don't want the same things obviously, so we need to move on.*
It took me SO long to leave our relationship and I just can't go back there again. I just have this feeling about being with you that makes me resist so bad, even thinking about it. It's like I have PTSD because of all the stupid things I went through with you. I was in such a bad place with myself at that time. I really can't believe what I put up with. And looking back it just makes me sick, how low of a person I was to let someone treat me like that. I have the power to choose and change my own life, no one*else's.
I now know, more than ever, who I am, what I stand for, what I want day to day for myself and in a relationship. I've learned so much about myself and I can't just throw all that away and go back to a dead end relationship. We have grown so far apart it's just not working anymore. To be honest, the only thing I will lose leaving this relationship is feeling comfortable, and having someone to hang out with maybe two nights a week. You've never really been able to offer me anything, no support, no companionship. We both don't respect each other or our relationship enough to make this work.*
I want you to know that I love you so much and I really want the best for you, that's why I'm still here. You know that deep down you still are the ambitious person you used to be and you can still accomplish everything you want, but you have got to start realizing that your the only person thats going to get you there. You need to focus on yourself and what you need to do in order to get your life back together. You only want me now cause I left, I'm not convinced for a second that you wouldn't go back to taking me for granted if we got back together.*Try not to look at our relationship as such a loss, you and I have both learned and gained a lot from our experience together.**
I have got to take care of myself first and this half way relationship we have going right now is killing me. Some times I am completely convinced I have to leave the relationship and other times I'm totally convinced there's no way I could leave, but this is not healthy and I have to make a decision and stick with it.*
I know I might regret this decision some day but that's just something I'll have to come to realize.* Posted via Mobile Device
wow!!! that email is just want i want to say to my husband of 6 yrs!!! people will critize me and judge me for wanting to be honest with my husband that I really no longer want to be with him, after raising a child for 6 yrs! ( cus that is how i call it) I'm out! I just can't find the right moment to do it cus i know it'll break his heart. What I'm wondering though is why you did it over email? anways, when woman had enough is becasue we seriously had enough!! many will say to go to MC and this and that, and yes it may work, but it doesn't work for all couples!!! sometimes you just have to let go and move on and be happy =) I do too want a partner not a child to live with so i totally understand you =)
I found A LOT OF GOOD in your email to your husband. My only concern would be the mixed messages you're sending to him. HE could read this as 'she's not really sure what she wants...maybe we still have a chance.'
Quote:
I want you to know that I love you so much and I really want the best for you, that's why I'm still here.
Some times I am completely convinced I have to leave the relationship and other times I'm totally convinced there's no way I could leave, but this is not healthy and I have to make a decision and stick with it.*
I know I might regret this decision some day
If YOU KNOW (in your heart/mind) that it is the right decision, then move on. If you still have even the tiniest doubt, you should seek counseling; perhaps that will clear it up for you one way or the other.
I did it over email because I just wanted to get it all out without arguing or getting interrupted. I tried marriage counseling and he didn't show up, well now that he sees me moving on he's willing to go and we did once but all it told me was that I'm not interested in fixing things. He would pretty much have to change everything about himself and how could I ask him to do that. He should just find someone that fits his lifestyle and that he can love and get along with. Posted via Mobile Device
I know and I think he did interpret it that way cause he just called me and started talking to me like it was nothing and I asked him if he got my email and he said yeah, blah blah blah, I'll do whatever it takes. Posted via Mobile Device
I tried marriage counseling and he didn't show up, well now that he sees me moving on he's willing to go and we did once but all it told me was that I'm not interested in fixing things.
It is sad how often divorce is the motivator to make a spouse decide to finally change, but by then it's too late.
Well, since you've tried MC and nothing changed, it's over.
Just be calm, firm, and VERY CLEAR with him. Say things like:
"Joe, I don't want you to do 'whatever it takes'. Do whatever you need to do for YOU. I am doing what I need to do for ME. There is no more 'us', I am moving forward."
If he wants to argue, discuss, whatever, just tell him:
"Joe, I've told you I'm done with this marriage. I mean it, and I'm done discussing it."
For the next few weeks/months (until he gets it through his skull for good) DO NOT SAY things like:
"you'll always be special to me", "we'll remember the good times", "I have so many great memories of you and me when we were kids"
Things like THAT will ONLY make him think that you're waivering in your decision to split up...and if he just TRIES a LITTLE BIT HARDER, he can change your mind back. It is unfair to him (even though it's HIS wishful-thinking) and annoying to you.
You do NOT have to take his calls/texts once you separate; only when/if you want to.
Will he be upset/furious? Yes. Will he tell everyone you know that you're a cold-hearted b!tch? Maybe. What he tells other people is NOT your problem. As long as you are satisfied in your own mind/heart, then THAT is all that matters. In time, others will see the peace in you (and hopefully him) and realize the divorce was for the best.
Yeah that sounds really good and makes a lot of sense. I thought by telling him that I loved him still it would make it easier on him and I didn't want him thinking I was angry at him still but now I do understand that it just confuses him and is not helpful. Thanks a lot!!
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