Kathrynthegreat

Hey all, longtime lurker, first time poster here. I've been reading a lot of threads and replies and this seems to be a great place to talk about my problem.

About a week ago my husband told me that some friends of ours who got married around the same time we did, are splitting up. Like us, they got married very young. Then he said, "I'm starting to think that getting married as young as we did wasn't a good idea. A lot of times I wonder what each of us could have been if we hadn't gotten married."

I'm 30; he's 31 and we've been married since I was 19 and he was 20. We've known each other since we were kids and he's the only guy I ever dated. He had another girlfriend briefly in high school.

The biggest problem in our marriage has always been a large gap in our sex drives. Like a lot of couples, he has a higher sex drive than I do. He travels 4-5 days per week for work, going to a different city each time but I do try to make it a point to have sex a couple of times during his stays at home. We jokingly refer to the week of my period as "blowjob week." I've told him before that I will give him oral sex any time he wants and I always try to agree if he wants to have sex. He wants me to initiate more. I tried initiating more but he said he could tell my heart wasn't in it.

When I was sixteen years old I was raped by my husband's (then boyfriend's) older brother, who was in his late 20's at the time. Yeah, I married my rapist's little brother. My husband HATES his brother and has been estranged from him ever since he was old enough to cut off contact. I've been to counseling, we've been to counseling, we've tried movies and toys and medicines and creams and changing birth control, but deep deep down there's a part of me that cringes at being touched. I don't know if it's because of the rape or if that's just the way I am. I know other people have recovered from worse things.

My husband and I get along very very well. We treat each other with respect and kindness. We don't scream or argue with each other; I think he's just kind of tired of being married to someone he has to try so hard with. I don't believe there is a 3rd party but he has admitted to an online porn addiction. I don't have much of a problem with it. If I had a wife who didn't like to be touched I'd probably use porn too.

When I think about getting divorced I feel grief and fear, but also a sense of relief at never having to have sex again.

He told me to take some time, get my head together, and think long and hard about what I wanted and that he would do the same. Just hoping you guys can offer some wisdom and advice.

Thank you.

Jellybeans

Do you want to be married to him or not?

That is the question.

Kathrynthegreat

And a very good question it is. I just don't know. Imagining life without him is like imagining life without my own skin. He's been a huge part of my life since I was young. I love him and I want the best for his life.

I have an appointment with a therapist/counselor this Friday.

SlowlyGettingWiser

Good for you! My suggestion would have been IC for you. When you talk to your therapist, ask for a recommendation for a counselor who specializes in rape trauma. It couldn't hurt to give it one more try. Even if it doesn't solve your marital issues, YOU need to try to get better if at all possible. At your age, you should be interested in a strong, active sex life. (Not judging you, just hate to see you miss out on an important part of your human existence.)

BTW: I hope your husband's rat-bast*rd brother did prison time!

omid_mankoo_author

sex was introduced to you as something unpleasant, negative and violating. of course your impression of t makes you cringe. A big part of what you need to do is to not be pressured into it. but explore sexuality in an easy comfortable way. its not really about sex. it has nothing really to do with sex. its two people who know each other mentally and emotionally relating. you could write poems for him, you could hold him, talk to him cook for him, and likewise could do so many things for you and you two would be saying i love you in those infinite ways. and one, just one of those ways is to relate to them sensually. now theses days peopler are used to porn, so their minds are all goofed up by the mind tricks they use in various sexual programs. they trick the mind severely impacting it delivering a mental high to the viewer. the viewer thus gets used to that mental high that was presented to them via sexual programs, and that is why many husbands gofer chart kind of sexual interaction. anyhow, i hope you see what i am saying. i would say have him read this response of mine also. I'm saying that people have gotten used to the physical dramatises of sex, and way needs t occur is to get involved mentally and emotionally, and the sexual interaction then can be used as a method expressing how you FEEL about them, and how you THINK of them. its not about sex, its about.....emotional connection, love, understanding. check out my youtube video on the tricks they use in various sexual programs: SEX ADDICTION CURE - Manipulation Revealed from Book: Open to Bliss by Omid Mankoo - YouTube
in regards to your personal situation, you have to take steps to leave a bigger impression on your mind than the one that was left by the rape. also its good to redefine what the situation was, to look at it in a larger perspective. there is much steps about getting past rape.I just briefly mentioned an overview of one of the steps which I know.