confused&unhappy

I have been married to my H for almost 2 years. We were together 3 before that. Let me give a little history. I left my first husband August 5 yrs ago, my current H had just lost his wife in July of the same year. We met at a mutual friends and became friends first. Hung out went to dinner etc. Nothing romantic. Neither of us were ready. We talked about our problems, cried laughed and really helped each other through a rough time. That's what I believe helped to turn our relationship into a partnership and love. I have two kids he has none. We had planned on marriage but my father got terminally ill and was only given 3 weeks which was exactly to the day they said. We wanted to get married while my Dad was able to be there. Planned the wedding and everything within two days. My kids love my H I do to. But I am not the same person as when we met and neither is he. He has become cynical, hateful, controlling, overbearing, insecure and sometimes down right mean. He's wonderful with the kids but lacks the "unconditional" love. If they do something wrong instead of helping to guide them he is critical. He doesnt think that he and I arguing in front of them is wrong. I tell him we need to discuss it at a later time and he won't stop. I have been unhappy for a while now and dont feel any respect from him. He tries to control all I do and who I talk to where I go etc... to the point that the other day when I got home from the grocery store one of my kids asked me "where have you been? you've been gone a long time." and it wasnt the cute I missed you Momma it was my H's voice coming out of my child. I do not want them to grow up thinking they should treat women the way he treats me. They are sweet smart kids but I can see his influence on them. I know I can make it on my own I've done it before, but how do I take the first step?????

thankfulone

Are you ready to throw in the towel already? Is it really over? I say try marriage cslg first so that at least you can walk away knowing you gave it your all. Also, your kids have already separated from their first father. Be sure of what you are doing before you put them thru it again- although I don't know if they were old enough to remember the first marriage.

What your husband is doing is wrong make no mistake about it but actively nipping it in the bud is important so that you can be stronger and wiser about the experience and show your kids that you come from a place of respect.

Just curious if your first husband had the same bad traits that your current husband does? If so, is there a lesson to be learned?

SlowlyGettingWiser

If you and the children still love your husband, then there is hope for your marriage, if YOU are willing to make the effort and your husband is WILLING to make the effort.

1.) Tell your husband that you are at the end of your rope emotionally with your marital problems and you want MC. If he wants to save your marriage, he must agree to come to MC, too.

If he is willing, schedule an appointment IMMEDIATELY.
If he is unwilling to consider MC, then you need to move on.

2.) If YOU are TOTALLY unwilling to try MC, then your marriage is finished. It will take BOTH OF YOU WILLING to work hard, to save your marriage.
Whether you stay with your husband or not, you CANNOT allow this behavior from your child to go unchallenged! Explain to your child that you will NOT be spoken to in that manner. Tell him/her that YOU are the adult, and he/she is the child. Tell your child that he/she must apologize to you (while looking you in the eye). If you get the 'daddy does it' argument, explain that there are certain behaviors (like driving a car, holding a job, voting) that adults are allowed to do that children are NOT allowed to do.

Continue on this thread and let us know:
* Are you yourself beyond trying MC and just want to move on?
* Are you interested in MC and, if so, what has your husband got to say about it?

We'll be here for you either way!

confused&unhappy

I have suggested MC before on more than one occassion and the response I get is "There is nothing wrong with me" and "I'm not going to talk to some stranger about my life." When I get this I say then talk to your friends or someone and maybe they can give you a unbiased oppinion.
My first H was not the same. He just didn't want to be home. He worked out of town and when he did return he wanted "ME" time. Said he worked hard and wanted to do what he wanted to do when he got home. I was basically a single mother so I decided that if that was the case I was going to be a single mother and raise them without worrying about where he was or what he was doing. He has realized his mistakes and is a great Dad now. Spends as much time as he can with his kids. This also aggravates my current H. He says that the kids Dad is a PT Dad. My H is very bitter towards my ex for no reason. They dont speak.
I will suggest MC again to my H and let you know what I get in return. To add though he has told me twice in the last two weeks that if I'm not happy in the marriage that he would help me get out of it. How do I take that??

PBear

How do you think you should take that? Basically, he likes things the way they are, and he's not going to change. If you don't like that, there's the door. It's a pretty clear statement.

C
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SlowlyGettingWiser

Okay, since you told us THAT, don't BOTHER suggesting MC...big waste of time.

Take it as a promise! Now, start making some plans for moving on with a divorce.

confused&unhappy

That's the way I took it. That he is not willing to work on it. Not sure why. The only thing I remember is that when we were "just friends" before dating he stated this. Let me preface it by stating that his wife was older than him. He is 39 and he said after she passed he was looking for a younger girl in her twenties maybe not someone older. I am older than him only by a few months. He's very conceited and self absorbed. He used to be all about me now he's all about him. He gets mad when I tell him that my boys are more important than he is. He says "you don't have to keep telling me that I know they are!!" I guess having kids that aren't his and trying to start a new relationship is a challenge. We had to build our relationship and get to know each other whereas my ex and i had our time to do such before the kids came. does that make sense? It was and still is hard to give attention he needs and raise two kids. I don't know. I know the answer it's just taking the first step to leaving I guess. You are all wonderful and have given me some great advise. I would still love feedback as to how to move on.

SlowlyGettingWiser

Sit down, get some paper, and start to think logically.

MONEY:
Do you have a job?
Do you have savings?
Where will you live (your home or new place)
* new place? get ads, start pricing
Which vehicle will you keep?
Estimate how much it will cost/month for utilities (phone, cell, electric, gas, water/sewage, cable, etc.)
* go through your current bills so you can estimate
Estimate how much it will cost/month for groceries, drug store, dry cleaning, hair, gasoline, cigarettes, insurance (health, car, home), etc.
* go through your checkbook and credit card statements for several months to get an idea
How much income will you have (w/out child support...if he doesn't pay it, or he's slow in paying and you've been COUNTING ON IT...you're screwed)

MOVING: (assumes you're moving out of the home)
When can you move?
What about schools?
How much for a rental truck, boxes, gasoline, storage facility (if needed)
Change of address at Post Office
Change driver's license address

FINANCES:
Get your own bank accounts
Close any joint accounts (used or untapped) or have your name removed from them
Credit cards - get them in your own name
Who is paying off which cards, which vehicles, etc.

DIVORCE:
Find an attorney
Find out how much child support you can expect
Start to make a lists of necessary splits
* where will children live
* visitation schedule
* which assets, things in the house/garage do you want to keep

Start paying attention to EVERY piece of mail that comes into the house. Is this something you need to have changed to hubby's name? Something you will need to have hubby's name removed from? Something you will have to have sent to your new address (if there is one?)

Every time something pops into your head, write it down and put it in your notes. Just get started and get organized. You may have to change your system a little as you get more into it, but you'll get the hang of it. You're the BOSS now!!!

confused&unhappy

Thank you!!! I needed to figure out all of those things but I guess I'm a little too frazzled now to actually think of all that needs to be done. What a great list. You're awesome!!! Now I can concentrate on the details and not just the big picture which I think was scaring me a little!!!

SlowlyGettingWiser

I would start with a notebook (like one the kids use in school).

Use a different page for each category:
Housing
Vehicle
Insurance
Banking
Mail/Subscriptions
Health
Projected Income (hock wedding rings)
Projected Monthly expenditures (even if you start by just writing the things down...gas, groceries, Rx, it helps. You can fill in $ amts. later.)
Savings
Unexpected Emergencies
Anticipated Expenditures (homeowners'/renters' insurance once a year, new tires on vehicle in 6-8 months, orthodontia for Tommy in 18-24 mos., etc.)

The more you work at it, the more organized it will get, and the less stressful you will feel.

Good luck!

confused&unhappy

Thank you. It's nice to know that people you don't even know care to help so much. I will update just so you can see how you've helped me.
Also, this morning it was just me and the kids. I asked them for help with laundry and they jumped to it. They said "yes, ma'am and your welcome." I usually don't get that when he's around. I get procrastination and whining. I think if it was just the three of us all of our attitudes would improve. They are the best kids but when he bucks at me they do too.
Thanks!!

SlowlyGettingWiser

So BIZARRE! My 14yo is acting the same way. Since I told her we are leaving her dad, she has really 'womaned-up' and been much more respectful and helpful (without the whining and complaining).

I think she's been depressed for quite a while and, although she does NOT want to change schools and make new friends (we're moving to another state), is excited about the prospect of it being just the two of us with considerably less stress, less demands, less criticism and walking on eggshells.

If you want to PM me, feel free. Would be happy to 'talk' 1-on-1 with you if you have questions, need to vent, etc.

OnTheBrink

I'm not excusing negative behavior by any means, but there is likely something wrong in the relationship that is bringing out the worst in him. It may be worth trying to figure out what that is.

OnTheBrink

A common factor in the doom of many a marriage, is when the woman replaces the love for her husband with love for her children. When you already have kids coming in to the relationship, it is completely understandable for you to feel this way. However, I would guess that telling your husband this or openly acting this way could easliy have a similar result.

confused&unhappy

We had an arguement last night, and the night before, it's a daily fixture in our marriage. We find something to argue about. Lat night after my youngest baseball game we went to pick up something to eat. He only wanted a drink. He wasn't holding the cup but it was leaning against him about to spill. I said "pick up the cup and I will pull the armrest down for you to put it in before it spills." My H turns around and yells "IT'S GONNA SPILL PICK IT UP NOW!!!" I said to him "Uh..there's no need for yelling I got it covered." He says to me "Shut it..I'm speaking here." OMG I wanted to rip his face off. I told him later last night that he needed a submissive wife who would only speak when spoken to and would let him handle everything and I AM NOT that wife. I am a very strong willed, stubborn you might say, woman. And when it comes to my kids you better believe I will have my say in what and how you speak to them. My oldest son is sfraid of being hit in baseball, he got hit the first time he played machine pitch and it has stuck with him. The arguement the night before last was about this. My H said he doesn't understand why my oldest is so afraid. That he needs to toughen up, that he is going to be a man one day and that he, my H, will make sure he is. I told him that trying to change him is not the answer. My oldest is very kind hearted, not wimpy, very very smart in school and does play sports but is not the roughneck my H is. I told my H that I know he loves my sons but it's the "unconditional" part he doesn't have. I think it's because they aren't "his". Does that make sense? And am I wrong for jumping in when I think he's being to hard on them??