brokenheartedme

Here is my situation: My wife had an affair a few months ago. Said she didn't get enough attention from me and she started liking a man she worked with. I was devastated, to say the least. Although I never stopped loving her, I may have not shown it to the degree she deserved. Anyway, within the past month or so, I have been buying flowers, writing notes, having a lot of quality time together. Things were working out rather well. Now for the bombshell (please try to stay with me on this). You see, about 13 years ago I had an affair which almost ruined our marriage. She took me back and eventually our relationship became relatively normal again, although I don't think her trust level was at 100%. Then about 7 years ago, I had a sexual "encounter" with an 18 yr old girl who was staying at our home. She just found out about it a few days ago when the girl decided to 'fess up. No intercourse was involved, which she seems to believe that part. However, this is as she put it, another incident of me lying to her and has further damaged her trust in me. Now she is understandably upset and "needs some space" away from me. Says she doesn't want to be around me for awhile and doesn't want the kids swaying her opinion. (They of course would like us to work it all out). She does tell the kids she loves me and I am a good man, but she needs time to sort it all out. BTW, we have been married 28 years and together almost 30. Suggestions for the best way to handle this? Thanks.

SlowlyGettingWiser

* You two married.
*15 yrs into it, you had an affair. Wife found out about it.
*21 yrs into it, you had another affair (EA? PA? no intercourse; sorry, but it doesn't really make much difference)
*28 yrs into it, wife had an affair. You found out about it, wife found out about your affair from 7 yrs ago

Currently wife wants space away from you.

Best way to handle this?

Give your wife some space. Really, leave her alone and encourage her to get some IC.

Get into IC yourself.

This is one big mess, and your children are in the middle of it.

brokenheartedme

EA? PA? IC? Sorry, not familiar with the lingo, as I am new to this. Clarification: The 21 yr thing wasn't an affair, it was a one time thing (if that really makes a difference).
Since I wrote the post yesterday, she called me last night and wanted to talk. She said she was over being upset with me about the affair. She really wanted to get her an apartment to have her space, but it is cost prohibitive for her to do that. She said she was willing to try to stay here at our home and have a "friendly" relationship with me. As she put it, no love between us either physically or even discussing it while she continues to process everything and decide what she is going to do. Seems encouraging to me, thoughts?

the guy

EA=emotional affair
PA=physical affair
IC=individual counseling

JustWaiting

There is hope. You are both at a low point. I found the videos on MarriageToday to be helpful to me. Respect what your wife is asking right now.
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