Well yesterday I told my husband that I was unhappy and want to be alone. I have posted here before, we have been married for 8 years no kids together but he has 2 who live in another state. I came to realize that all of this time I was trying to change him, as he is not affectionate, doesnt communicate well, does not want to better himself so that we can have a better life. His kids are older now but when they were younger, I had to make him spend time with them, when they would come to visit its like they were visiting me--I used to cry and beg for him to touch me or talk to me, a lot of times he would push me away or let out a sigh- one time he told me that he didnt touch me because he knew its what I wanted. I want kids of my own, and before we got together I let him know this, then one day he tells me he doesnt want anymore kids, we talked about everything before we were married-how i like to be affectionate and im touchy feely, how I want kids or if i cant have any i want to adopt---and now I feel cheated--he kept telling me he would change and try to talk to me and touch me and things but chance after chance he always goes back to the way he was---now he is trying somewhat and I think I am so pissed off and hurt by all the previous things that my feelings for him has changed, I dont feel like i have ever been appreciated for what I did for his kids, he has put us in a financial hardship--and doesnt seem to want to do anything to better it--he has a job but there is no health insurance--he quit a good job as a supervisor because it got too "hard" for him and the people who he supervised called him too much--I have tried and tried to make things work---but when he went to 8 different check cashing stores and had to tell me about it cause it got to be too much, after saying he didnt want kids when he knows that its important to me, after telling me he would show more affection and hasnt, after flirty texts with a female coworker--i think I am done--he is 10 yrs older than me--and I cant understand why he cant give me the things I need--he is so outgoing and can talk to anyone he runs into but cant talk to me--i dont get it---now I feel guilty--why do i feel like this--i know i love him--just my feelings have changed --i dont want him to hurt even though i have been hurt--i feel sorry for him and i dont know if i am strong enough to leave him--can anyone else understand my situation or am i being selfish??
Yes I have tried to talk him numerous times, a lot of times he just is quite--its like talking to a wall. I dont yell or anything--then I ask him why doesnt he respond and he says because what I am saying is right.
yeah that is what i thought...well he obviously not caring to loose you cus we ALL have a limit and that is why you're posting here cus it seems you came close to yours...let him know you're almost done if he's not willing to talk about it....what about MC, i've never tried it but it seems to work for people...
I want kids of my own, and before we got together I let him know this, then one day he tells me he doesnt want anymore kids
This was my ex-husband and me. He knew before marriage that it was a deal-breaker for me. We got divorced. (I now have a wonderful daughter, and I KNOW I made the right choice for me!) Is this a deal-breaker for you? Do you want to be a mother MORE than you want to be married to him?
I'm not a shrink, but maybe he doesn't feel 'good enough' and in his mind he's always thought you were going to leave him (like his ex-wife), so he's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Pushing you away so you leave and he can say to himself 'see, I'm unlovable/unworthy' or 'see, I knew she'd leave me'. I don't know....
YOU should get into IC IMMEDIATELY and talk to you counselor about YOUR wants/needs/desires regarding marriage, motherhood, communication. Get a professional to help you see if there is hope for this relationship or if you're just wasting time waiting for change in someone else that isn't going to happen.
Go to IC NOW, before you're any more confused, frustrated, angry. Life is short; don't waste it feeling guilty. Be PROACTIVE...choose your life, whatever YOU decide it should look like.
Thanks for the comments, last night was really hard. I dont think I have cried so much ever in my life. So, he asks me what are we going to do after I already told him that I needed to be alone. So there I had to go through everything again. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is now its like he feels he didnt do anything wrong and because he came back and said he is ok with having kids after i threatened to leave before that I should let it go. I tried to explain to him that it hurt me at that time and I havent been able to get over it, thats how I feel about it all--I dont know how to let it all go--the anger about everything that has happened--its not fair to him that I keep holding onto it--I think thats why I feel guilty--I just know if I was to go thru MC that something else will happen--I dont know what to do, all I do know is that this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life--neither one of us have anywhere to go-he says he doesnt want to leave the house and I dont either but I cant go thru another night like that!
If he has expressed before that he didnt want kids but is saying it's "ok" now just because you threatened to leave?? what does that say about him?? What I'm saying is, you had to "make" him spend time with his other kids so before you make the decision to have kids with him, if that's what you really want, think if you're gonna have to make him spend time with yours. My ex was very independent and wanted kids but when we had them and they were little he said they stressed him out, he couldn't watch them even for me to go to the store. He regrets the time he missed with them now but I was raising two on my own. If he quit his job because it was too much for him remind him that the resposiblity of a baby is both of yours and much more demanding then any other job and that he is going to have to help ie..feedings, diaper changing, getting up in the middle of the night etc... The rewards are so much more than any job and I wouldnt change a thing I have two wonderful children. I just don't want you to be sucked back in because he says he wants a baby because you do. It's not a puppy or a new car, it's a baby..for life...and I don't want to see you go through being a single mom and in a marriage that you resent him. I think he's saying it because he doesn't want to lose you. But PLEASE think long and hard before bringing a beautiful life into this world, make sure he's all in not just partly.
Well he says if he didnt want kids then why would he be intimate without using protection, my response was why did you say it then? He doesnt know--he doesnt know why he cant talk to me, why he cant give me compliments/affection--he doesnt know
i get it all the time!!! why did you sexted this girl?: i don't know,,,,why do you not invite me to your get togethers: I don't know,,,why are not wanting to talk: i don't know!!!! but i have my I don't know also,,,,why are you still with him and have put up with him all these years? I DON'T KNOW!! lmao!!
Hang in there, girl, take some deep breaths. You CAN work your way through this.
I think the biggest thing that bothers me is: now its like he feels he didnt do anything wrong; and because he came back and said he is 'ok with having kids' (after i threatened to leave before) that I should let it go
Your husband is manipulating you. He is telling you ANYTHING you want to hear to make sure you don't leave. It isn't true. He told you flat out that he DIDN'T want to have children. Now he is half-heartedly agreeing to have kids so you won't leave. That is absolutely NOT the right attitude to bring to parenthood. Do NOT have any children with this man; you will ALL suffer.
Your husband will RESENT your child...from the time he's born (it takes a LOT of time, attention, energy to take care of an infant...will your husband be angry with how much time/attention you're spending on the baby and NOT on him? Absolutely!) through the school years (time, money, attention, parental attention/support on the child, less on hubby).
Your child will grow up sensing (or, worse yet, KNOWING) that his father isn't interested in him. No matter what he does, he'll always be trying to get your husband's attention/love...until your child gives up, and wonders WHY he isn't GOOD ENOUGH for your husband to love/care about.
YOU will have to witness all of this, and it will break your heart. You will resent your husband for not being the kind of father your child deserves.
he asks me what are we going to do (after I already told him that I needed to be alone.) So there I had to go through everything again.
This is just a difference in how you and hubby react to things. If you NEED to be alone, there is nothing wrong with telling him, 'we'll discuss this later (or in the morning, or whenever); right now I need to think about things and process this.' If he doesn't want to respect your need to THINK QUIETLY or get control of your emotions, then HE is being DISRESPECTFUL
I dont know how to let it all go--the anger about everything that has happened--its not fair to him that I keep holding onto it
You are ENTITLED to your feelings! Your husband LIED to you; he knew when he married you that YOU wanted children. He agreed to it, then he changed his mind. Now he's CLAIMING to change his mind again (but he's really just lying to you again to get you to do what HE wants...which is stay.)
neither one of us have anywhere to go-he says he doesnt want to leave the house and I dont either
There's a difference between NOT HAVING ANYWHERE TO GO and NOT WANTING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. You BOTH have somewhere else to go...you each just PREFER to stay at your home. Focus on FACTS, not emotions.
he says if he didnt want kids then why would he be intimate without using protection
He's trying to make YOU believe that it is all in YOUR HEAD. It doesn't matter WHY he wasn't using protection. He SAID he didn't want kids! Now, he's just trying to confuse you and fast-talk you. He is manipulative.
"Hubby, I DON'T KNOW *why* you didn't use protection, but I DO KNOW that you clearly stated you don't want kids. You weren't involved when (insert his kids' names here) used to visit us when they were younger. *I* was the one who was involved with them and interacted with them daily. You weren't interested then and you won't be interested in interacting with any children in the future. It doesn't interest you."
I came to realize that all of this time I was trying to change him, as he is not affectionate, doesnt communicate well, does not want to better himself
Apparently you NOW realize that the ONLY person you can change is YOU. The only person who can change your hubby is HUBBY...and ONLY if he WANTS TO.
Have YOU tried Individual Counseling (not MC)?
Have a peaceful evening and keep pondering what YOU want.
WOW--slowlygettingwiser and soconfused--thanks so much--these comments really hit home for me. Its so good to know that I am not being selfish with how I feel its like I thought I was being difficult because although he doesnt do certain things and has said some hurtful things--I thought I was wrong for not wanting to try and make it work because at least he doesnt hit me or cheat on me--I am starting to realize that feeling sorry for him is stupid when he never feels sorry for me--and doesnt care if im upset--until I get ready to call it quits. I always thought I would hurt his kids by leaving him--I thought I would look like the bad one--but who cares I suppose---I always feel like Im being too mean cause I am the one who is upset and he never complains about anything I do---last night, I set up an appointment for MC but I dont know if I even want to try and work it out--
i know exactly how you feel! you feel emotionally exhausted like me maybe...my friend suggested taking my husband to church and this and tha but honestly i really don't feel like it anymore cus when i back then when i almost had to beg him to go with me, he didn't want to and was very rude when i even mentioned it to him...WE ARE DONE LADIES!! and yes we are going to feel guilty, everyone else may talk about us being selfish, the spouses will say anything to try to make us feel guilty but at this point....WHO CARES! hahah! i'm glad you're getting your thought and feelings straight and if there is anything you want to talk about i'm here =) i usually never talk about my marriage problems with anyone just a friend or two, but everyone else keeps judging me...anyways.... =)
Its like I am not mad at him anymore--I get angry when I think about some things--but Im not mad--I just wish he would leave me while Im at work or something---I feel guilty about that one--I think he thinks Im not really serious--since I have threatened to leave before--several times, but I am serious this time, I am not there anymore--tired of begging, hoping, wishing--I want kids, I want someone in my life who wants more out of life--who wants to get out of the house and do things, I want to feel loved by my man--to feel that he wants to hold me--wants to make me feel special to him--I think I know what I want--just not sure how to go about ending it once and for all--I am scared about being alone physically--scared about having to move and starting over--Angry that I wasted 8 years and gave so much of myself to one person and he cant even hold me when I cry