The best I can describe my 20 year marriage is as being dead. I've gradually come to realise I don't love or even really respect my wife. She says she loves me, but I think what she actually loves is the idea of someone like me, which is a very different thing. There's very little fighting or open conflict, just the daily grind of living with someone with a total lack of connection. I know I have to end it for both our sakes and for my son - I don't want him to see any more of this horrible disfunctional mess. We've been through IC and MC and all it's done is make me more certain that it's over. The trouble is that I just can't see my way to actually pulling the trigger and dealing with all of the upset - emotional, financial, organisational - that will inevitably cause.
How did other people here steel themselves to do what needed to be done?
What is the "horrible dysfunction mess?" Because you said there's very little fighting or conflict.
So what is the problem?
Avoidance, crazy communication, all sorts of things - just not open (or loud) disagreement.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
If you are done, file and don't string her along.
Thanks for the advice, but that wasn't quite the question I asked! I know I need to, but it's the act of getting myself over the top that I'm finding impossible.
How did other people here steel themselves to do what needed to be done?
I realized that staying for all of these years was MY choice; a stupid/gutless choice, but mine nonetheless. I also realized that the only way our daughter (14yo) was going to get out of here is if I take her out. She's too young to leave on her own.
It is a toxic situation and she'll never know what a healthy relationship is if she's only ever seen this mess. We've been modeling poor adult/marital behavior for too long. Now she's old enough to see it and smart enough to understand it (has been for a while now.)
I'm cutting our losses and getting us some IC shortly.
I realized that staying for all of these years was MY choice; a stupid/gutless choice, but mine nonetheless. I also realized that the only way our daughter (14yo) was going to get out of here is if I take her out. She's too young to leave on her own.
It is a toxic situation and she'll never know what a healthy relationship is if she's only ever seen this mess. We've been modeling poor adult/marital behavior for too long. Now she's old enough to see it and smart enough to understand it (has been for a while now.)
I'm cutting our losses and getting us some IC shortly.
Did you feel guilty about leaving your husband, or was he horrible enough that you were able to bypass that issue?
Do it for YOU and do it for YOUR SON. The only marriage he's ever seen is YOURS and if you don't change it, he will have the SAME MARRIAGE and the same misery as you do 20 years from now.
I know that you don't want THAT for him, but it will be ALL he knows. Get out, get YOURSELF straightened out (you can only ever fix yourself), and start living better. You will then be in a position to teach/show your son how to have a healthy relationship. THEN he will know what he should be looking for/demanding for himself in his adult relationships.
It's a very tough decision. I'm right where you are. The two biggest reasons I'm sill in it are my kids and money. If you truly believe it's over as you say, then you just do it. It'll all get better in time if you do, but if you don't, it may just get worse.
Horrible enough that I feel NO GUILT. Emotional and verbal abuse for 2 decades. He's demeaning, dismissive, demanding, raging, and now he's started on our daughter.
You guys need to sit down and lay it on the line as to how you are currently feeling at least for you sons sake. Maybe it will open your collective eyes as to what is going on...
You guys need to sit down and lay it on the line as to how you are currently feeling at least for you sons sake. Maybe it will open your collective eyes as to what is going on...
I'm done with that to be honest, been there done that multiple times and it leads nowhere other than to more pain. I think I can be a better father to my son in the absence of my wife. I'm already planning on doing all the stuff with him that she shuts down - simple things like watching some TV together (she won't allow cable in the house), going camping (she hates bugs), playing some computer games with him (same category as cable), eating some junk food, the list is endless. The way forward for me is to hold the positives in my head and stop thinking about the downsides.
Thanks to the folks that wished me luck, I'm going for it at the end of next week when I get back from a business trip.
Grenville, I was where you are at for months. I was with my ex 8yrs. And, we're probably ages apart my friend and I feel your plight. Hopefully you have ended this madness? Oh God, I knew mine wasn't right early on. But time, embarrassment, inflicting pain on someone, and good memories kept me going. I also felt like I had invested so much that I couldn't let the bad thing go. Pull the trigger. You'll feel like crap so many days, the good times will come flooding back, you'll say it's worth the work. The only thing that kept me from going back was a rebound I had 5yrs ago when we separated for 3months and how much in love I was. I just kept it in my mind every time my ex begged and cried and asked to work things out. Oh Lord, just pull through all of that and get someone else till you're dead. You won't regret it.
I know Grenville & Beach Guy still post here on TAM.
Can't speak for them, but *I* got out in May. I left my STBXH in May 2012 and moved back to my home state. Currently I have a job for the first time in 10 years, I'm helping my elderly parents and really enjoying my life (I'm HAPPY) for the first time in a LONG TIME.
My now-15yo decided to stay with STBXH to finish high school (1/2 way through). We text, call, email, Skype and she knows she's ALWAYS welcome to live with me.
WHAT ABOUT IT GRENVILLE & BEACH GUY...did *YOU* make the leap, too? [No judgement if you didn't!]
You've made up your mind to leave, but maybe you don't have to divorce to get your life back. Just quit giving in to her. You want cable, put in cable. You want to play video games, play video games. You want to eat fried pork rinds instead of nuts and berries, eat the pork rinds. Her head won't explode. She's already detached, so if she gives you the silent treatment, not much has changed. You might be surprised. Maybe she develops new respect for you and will find your strength alluring. You've got 20 years invested and that's a whole lot to walk away from if there's any other way. You and your son go camping or do whatever else it is you would like to do. Wife might get tired of watching the paint dry at home alone and want to come along.
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, I LEFT. I left the same month as you did. And, i'm pretty proud of you. My ex was a manipulative pig. Never physical but oh goodness, was it emotional. I wanted him so badly to have an affair so it would end, but I'm sure he doesn't have the gonads to do it. And, I'm pretty sure he just loved the idea of me rather than me and vice versa. God, the union was sexless and loveless. To this day, he still begs.
We live in IN and he is country born and raised. Thus, he shares the opinion of many here-just stay, work things, through, stick it out, be in something mediocre but never say it, do this, do that, do the other. When something is over, it just is. And, when you are not compatible, you're just not. His parents have been married 35yrs and they are NOT happy. I'm good with all of that nonsense. I think Grenville LEFT his wifey. Pretty proud of him, too.
I was talking to man who has been married 23yrs. He is 46. He "decided to work things through with his current relationship." He couldn't even say the word wife or the word marriage. I didn't want to judge him, but I did. Then found out he is a business owner and I slowly added things up. I wish him all the luck in the world.
You've made up your mind to leave, but maybe you don't have to divorce to get your life back. Just quit giving in to her. You want cable, put in cable. You want to play video games, play video games. You want to eat fried pork rinds instead of nuts and berries, eat the pork rinds. Her head won't explode. She's already detached, so if she gives you the silent treatment, not much has changed. You might be surprised. Maybe she develops new respect for you and will find your strength alluring. You've got 20 years invested and that's a whole lot to walk away from if there's any other way. You and your son go camping or do whatever else it is you would like to do. Wife might get tired of watching the paint dry at home alone and want to come along.
7Likes
Finding The Strength To End a Dead Marriage 
