unbiased help

Hello. I am new to asking for advice on forums so I would really appreciate any advice. My wife and I have been married for a year now. We are both in the military and are stationed in different parts of the world overseas. We were first separated in June of 2011 and had our first child in November. Ever since then things have started to kind of go down hill. When we were first separated we would talk almost everyday and always email back and forth. After our daughter was born, all that started to slow way down. I knew that having a kid would make it difficult to communicate, but I guess I just didn't have the accurate expectations of what all would change.

My wife works a 7-5 job and when she comes home, it's all about the baby. For some reason I could not accept the fact that I now came third. I would call her everyday and expect for her to always pick up. If she didn't, I would call right back, wait ten minutes then call again, then wait another ten minutes and call once more. I would do this a lot. Not only that, but I would text/email her constantly during work and on her days off. I thought that her not responding to me was just out of laziness and that I had the right as her husband to talk to her whenever I deemed necessary. Especially because I wanted to see my newborn daughter, I would also ask her to Skype all the time. It became such an issue to me that I would get into arguments with her and make her feel as if she was being a bad wife for not always answering my calls. This has been going on for about five months or so. During one argument my wife said that she thought she had jumped into marriage. I couldn't understand that and decided it would be a good idea to immediately throw up suggestions. I now know that was wrong.

A few three days ago I got so frustrated because my wife did not answer the phone at all that night. The next day I talked to some co-workers and described what was going on. Boy was that a wake up call. They essentially told me that I was being way too needy and not giving my wife the respect she deserves for taking care of our daughter all alone in a foreign country. I though long and hard all night about what they said and eventually realized that I needed to apologize and change.

Two nights ago, I called my wife to tell her how selfish and unfair I was being. I told her that I shouldn't have put her through all of that stress to make her feel like she was being a bad wife. I thought everything was going to be better after that, but then she told me that she hasn't been completely honest with me. She said that she has been having thoughts about why we got married and that she couldn't remember why she loved me. This has really scared me. I asked her why she feels like that and she said she didn't know but that its been something she has been thinking about for about five months, which is when we had our daughter and I had to leave to go back overseas. I asked her if she thought me being there would help or if she thought counseling would help and she said no. Throughout all this my wife never mentioned the word divorce, but it still has me believing that she is pretty convinced that she doesn't want to stay together.

She said that she is going to make an appointment on Monday to talk to somebody about this and that she just needs time. I have decided that I will talk with someone on Sunday to hear their advice. We are supposed to Skype every Saturday so I can see my daughter and I really want to convey to her that I am going to change and that I have realized a lot of my past faults, but I don't want to push her in the wrong direction. Does anyone have advice on how to giver her time, but at the same time let her know that I really don't want to lose her and my little baby girl? Do you think it's already over?

profos

Time to back off.

Let her come to you.

If you don't get what I mean, I'll say it a different way.

Stop calling her.

Completely.

Let her be the one to initate any and all contact, whether its a phone call, a text, an email, skype, or whatever.

And do this for as long as it takes.

unbiased help

Thanks for the reply. I really want to just stop everything, but after talking to my father about all of this last night I have come to realize that the issue is bigger than just what has been going on since I left. He set me straight in realizing that stuff I did in the past was over controlling and nit-picky. For example, getting upset when she would always leave the coffee mug on the table. Little things like that, over time, would drive me nuts too. Unfortunately, I did not understand these mistakes when I talked to my wife the other day.

She also mentioned to me that she likes to feel independent and I think that has a lot to do with the way I tried to control how she did certain things. I guess I just want to make it known to her that I understand all the things I did previous were wrong and that I want to correct them before I let her have all this time to think about it. Essentially, I want her to have all the facts. Would it be wrong for me to ask her to call me one last time to explain all of this?

profos

I suggested that you don't call her anymore and to let her contact you.

Now you don't know me from a hole in the wall and you're not the least bit required to take my advice, but I believe your post is directed at me since I'm the only one who posted and I'm going to answer you by saying that your response is very controlling.

I told you not to call her at all, you go through a whole bunch of reasons why you feel you need to call her and I'm going to maintain that you need to just leave her be and she will come to you when and if she's ready.

Again, there's nothing to say that you need to heed my advice but by you trying to change the advice offered to you, is just more of your stubborn controlling ways and that's only hurting you, no one else.

In addition your plan to tell her about how much you've realized about yourself and how you're going to change and all that is nothing more than last minute needy clingy crap which has already driven her away. She HAS all the facts, there's nothing you're going to say to her that she doesn't already know, even though you think there is.

It's time to be a man. A strong, independent sort of man who isn't clinging to the phone waiting for it to ring so he can spill his guts to his wife to essentially beg her to come home to her new and loving husband who finally figured it out. Not when she's got one and a half feet out the door.

Leave her alone so she can figure it out. Right now she doesn't need your help.

unbiased help

So far I have done what you suggested and not contact her. It's been four days now and I'm going nuts. Some people have reccomended that I write a letter explaining how I want to love and support her, but I would think that she already knows that.

I noticed that on Facebook she hadn't posted anything until last night, which is unusual because she posts things everyday, especially if it's a work day. Well last night she posted a Positive Inspirational Poster that said "Sometimes the prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets, The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears, and the kindest hearts have felt the most pain." I'm not sure what to make of that? I know that she knows I see it and that I read her posts. It's almost like she doesn't care if I'm hurting.

I hate that she is feeling like this. I feel bad for not knowing what is going on. Being deployed is really not a fun time to be dealing with this. Any thoughts on what she might be thinking?

synthetic

I don't want to send shivers down your body from thousands of miles away, but have you ruled out an affair?

You may have been a nitpicker, somewhat controlling and too "needy", but reading your post the very first thing that stands out is your wife's potential for being in an affair.

It's unusual for a newlywed with a baby to be so checked-out. And for her to claim she doesn't remember why she loves you is simply pathetic. A lie. A very mean lie.

unbiased help

I honestly don't know... I would like to think that she never would and knowing the things we have talked about in the past like how she has been hurt like that and how she could never forgive anyone for something like that leads me to think that she hasn't. I guess I won't know until she tells me, but I find it hard to see how she could allow something like that to happen with out new born baby in the house. I know that she is really close to her friends there and her cousin who is a male is stationed wtih her. Just knowing her, I don't think she would want to put that on him too... Her best friend's husband cheated and they worked through it and are now happy again so I'd like to think that she would also be getting positive reenforcement from her too.

I don't know. Would it be bad for me to log onto her Facebook/email and see who she has been chatting with? I think that might be taking it too far though...

unbiased help

She has apparently changed her FB password on the 22 of April and it no longer works for emai either. She has had that same one for years. What does that mean? I have never been one to snoop. Ever...

synthetic

2 options:

1. Hire a Private Investigator. This is the logical approach.

2. Call her and ask for her email/facebook password right away (so she doesn't have time to delete the traces). If she refuses, she's hiding something.