SlipperDoesn'tFit

Thanks for reading my story.

I met my husband 5 years ago. I am an only child with no real family, so when I liked him I admit I latched on, ignoring some things we disagreed on etc, because I wanted to be with him. 6 months in he lost his job as a result of a terrible event and I invited him to come live with me. A few months later (after him in an angry fog, me feeling responsible for his care, and me paying $$$$$ for a legal defense) he decides he has an interest in law school. He asks if I will go with him a few states away. I agree to go if he wants to get engaged, saying I don't want to leave home for just some guy (mistake #3, if you're counting). He proposes. We move. It takes us a couple years after we move to actually get married (which of course I paid 100% of) and we've now been married for a year and a half.

Throughout our relationship there has been lots of terrible behavior, mostly on his part, partially because of immaturity and partially because of the anger of above legal problems. I have worked and worked to ensure we're supported because I viewed it as my responsibility. He pushed me away for sex, saying it was because I had gained weight. He didn't want to go anywhere or communicate with me. I felt like a huge failure, and I did not take a stand against his actions.

I kept my family homes when we relocated for school. He gets mad that I call them my houses (when I pay for their maintenance). He got to stay there while he was studying for the bar. One time I went for visit (I couldn't go with him because I had to keep working) he said he was unhappy with us, and wanted it to get better, but wanted to ensure i would be ok if it didn't work out. A large sense of resentment built as I left him over the next few weeks, and I began to prepare to separate from him, as I thought that was coming next.

What I learned after the fact is that he was using that time to have an affair with an ex-girlfriend who I had met several times and had intense feelings of jealously toward. We went to a party for her daughter (husband is the godfather) and after she asked him why he was so different around me - a question I had asked for a long time. He says he had the affair because he felt an emotional connection that he didn't have with me.

To be fair, during that same time I went and found someone who I found an emotional connection with and had an affair (it is no one I had known previously). I felt so worn down after years of feeling used and treated poorly that I made this terrible choice. After his conversation I thought that our relationship was going to end and I looked for a pillow to cushion my fall. I told him everything.

Husband and I are attached to each other. He suggested couples therapy, I agreed. We've gone for 6 months. I am still seizing with anger on the inside over his disrespect toward me and his affair. After thinking about it for a LONG time, I asked him to separate this weekend, and we agreed to meet at our appointment next weekend.

So my title, we are 2 totally different people. We see the world very differently, we do not have common expectations for a relationship. We don't like to do the same things, we act differently around others than we do each other. We feel like we judge each others views and actions negatively. With no kids, I feel like everything points to splitting up. I feel like he's family and want to try to make this work. We both have to change to the point that I think neither one of us would be happy.

I really feel like splitting up is the way to go, but I always back down because I love him. How do I use this history and straighten out my feelings to be sure I'm making the best choice?

SlowlyGettingWiser

More questions than answers from me. We are, of course, only getting YOUR side of the story...but even then, we're only getting 1/2 of that.

1. Are your parents deceased? Do you have any cousins/relatives any relations that you are close to? Do you have any long-term friends?

2. Does your H have family? Where are they in this situation?

3. How old are you and H?

4. What EXACTLY is this 'terrible event' that caused him to get fired and incur thousands of dollars in legal expenses?

5. Did he finish law school? Is he, in fact, and attorney? Is he currently employed?

6. How long was his affair? How long was your affair?

7. What is the rest of the 'terrible behavior' on his part? On YOUR part (you said it was 'mostly' him thereby implying that you, also, have behaved badly...be specific.)

8. What actions has your couples therapist recommended? Have you instituted them? What were the outcomes?

Without more info, it is impossible to give you well-reasoned advice! It would be simple to tell you "just get a divorce," but without sufficient information it would just be a knee-jerk reaction of people telling you what you WANT to hear!

SlipperDoesn'tFit

Thanks for your reply. I guess when I was typing I was worried about it being too long, but here we go

1. Are your parents deceased? Do you have any cousins/relatives any relations that you are close to? Do you have any long-term friends?

My mother passed when I was a teenager, dad is still around but have limited contact (my parents got divorced shortly after I was born, when a baby didn't save the marriage after an affair). I have a terrific network of long-term friends who I am close to (though not geographically). I do have some shorter term friends here in our new place as well.

2. Does your H have family? Where are they in this situation?

H has a mother and grandmother that live a few states away. They support him no matter what actions he takes and don't ask any questions. MIL says 'they are all lucky that H found me' while he was in school. There is also a male family figure who calls him out on what he does when possible, but he's not around geographically so that doesn't happen often. He has said things to H and been supportive to me, not always (in fact very seldom) agreeing with H.

3. How old are you and H?

29

4. What EXACTLY is this 'terrible event' that caused him to get fired and incur thousands of dollars in legal expenses?

He stopped when he saw an altercation in a parking lot on his way home from work in law enforcement one night. His intent was to offer assistance to 2 women who were being threatened by a man. A fight ensued, they got his gun, and fired a round. The girls thought in the confusion that H was coming to aid their assailant and H was charged with several felony charges.

5. Did he finish law school? Is he, in fact, and attorney? Is he currently employed?

Yes, passed the bar in 2 states, "looking" for work. Was working part time temporary job which has ended.

6. How long was his affair? How long was your affair?

He had PA with her before we got married, and continued both PA and EA after marriage. (though PA was rarely except for this summer due to the distance between them). For me, from a couple weeks after that conversation in July, about 4 weeks.

7. What is the rest of the 'terrible behavior' on his part? On YOUR part (you said it was 'mostly' him thereby implying that you, also, have behaved badly...be specific.)

He would call me names, make fun of things that I said, speak negatively about my past, tell me I was unattractive. Hide things from me. Stay out until 5 am and not be willing to tell me where he was. We don't share any friends, so one night (of the 10 or so since he met them 3 years ago) we went out together with his friends. The girls said 'you always dress so nice, I love those shoes...and theat dress you wore to the benefit...' which before we left the house he said he didn't like what I was wearing and there wasn't anything that would look good because of my weight so we should just go. When I mentioned her comment in the car when we left he said, 'look how they dress... I wouldn't take those as complements that mean anything'. When he goes out with my friends (Who he calls boring) he will not engage in conversation - rather drift off and watch tv or use his phone to browse the internet or soemthing. Since the turn around on his part after the affairs came out, he has wanted to better, but the same behaviors frequently occur. Several of his friends (from before we moved) have spoken to me about how badly they have witnessed him treat me, and have asked if I'm ok and if there's anything they could do to help.

My bad behavior: Instead of standing up to him, I would just cry and believe what he said. I stopped speaking up for myself so it just kept going. I think it would have less of an effect on me now if I had advocated for myself sooner. I always did the laundry, made dinner (Even when I didn't know if he would be home), supported him any way possible (even bought him a car).

8. What actions has your couples therapist recommended? Have you instituted them? What were the outcomes?

He suggests that we create ground rules, which we have,and they help. He suggests that we work to establish common expections for a relationship, which I am willing to do in principle. However, when it comes to determining these expections there is a HUGE gap between what H wants and what I want.

SlowlyGettingWiser

Thanks for the additional input, Slipper. I don't have time *right now* to answer, but will think on your problem and try to write something tonight. Hopefully, this short answer will:

1.) Let you know people here at TAM are listening.
2.) Kick your thread to the top of the board where more people will read it and, hopefully, respond!

Until later..........

SlowlyGettingWiser

YOU have SERIOUS self-esteem issues. You have accepted a LOT of bad behavior from this man and yet you continue to accept more. Even HIS FRIENDS are concerned about how badly he treat you!This is an UNHEALTHY relationship for you! This man has NO RESPECT for you. But, he certainly has respect for your money! WHY is this YOUR responsibility? You're both adults. Where is HIS contribution (financially) to this relationship?

You have a huge resentment on YOUR part for supporting the BOTH of you for years. Are you trying to BUY his love? His affection? His loyalty? If so, it isn't working!

He had an affair with an ex-girlfriend that began BEFORE the marriage and CONTINUED ON THROUGH AFTER he married you. Including in the house YOU OWNED AND PAID FOR while he was supposedly studying for his bar exams. (And you paid for his schooling, too, right?)

How long has he been "looking" for work? Does he take ANYTHING he can get to help with the bills UNTIL he gets a job as an attorney? Or are other jobs beneath him now that he has passed the bar? What is his attitude about HIMSELF working?

I don't see ANY positives in this relationship!

* He doesn't support you emotionally. In fact, he beats down your self-esteem at every opportunity (insults, affair, disappearing until 5am with NO explanation). Even his friends SEE that he treats you like sh!t.

* He doesn't support you financially.

I think this man is using you for your ability to support him financially. I think he doesn't much like you, he certainly doesn't respect you, I don't believe he loves you. He makes virtually NO EFFORT to treat you well, he's just coasting along while YOU pay all the bills. He hasn't even been faithful to you, nor you to him. This whole relationship is just WRONG.

You NEED to be in IC to address your own issues of insecurity. Do you believe your weight makes you unattractive to other men? Do you think that it's your H or NOBODY? Do you think that if you can't make this marriage work, you'll NEVER be able to make ANY relationship work? If you can ONLY afford the time/money for ONE therapy...make it IC for YOU. If you can/want to do IC & couples therapy, do it. But I think you should concentrate on IC until you get your thinking straightened out. How can you be a healthy couple when you're not even a healthy YOU.
You are 5 years 'in' to a BAD RELATIONSHIP. You admitted you were 'needy' from the get-go and 'latched' onto this guy. But, it is UNHEALTHY. I think YOU would benefit MUCH MORE from IC than from couples therapy. YOU have SERIOUS ISSUES. But, they are issues which YOU CAN resolve.

AFTER you have RESOLVED your OWN issues, you can see clearly whether or not this is the correct relationship for you. If it is, you can then 'agree' on how to proceed with proper BOUNDARIES in place for good, respectful behavior (on BOTH your parts.) If it is not, then you will see the necessity of divorcing. But, until you SEE CLEARLY "WHY" it is that you willingly (although resentfully) accept such shoddy treatment from your H, you will continue to live EXACTLY as you are now.

SlipperDoesn'tFit

Thanks Slowly...

I have thought that working on this relationship is a waste of time until I can learn how to take care of myself... when my mom died I just searched for someone who could fill the void without ever dealing with my own feelings.

Growing up, I watched my mom support my dad. I swore that would never be me. I am determined for it not to be.

I'm in IC, I have been for a long time. Unfortunately, I spend much of that time talking about the relationship, which doesn't really help me.

I am hoping that by separating from him I can focus IC on me, and not us. At MC this weekend I will be telling him that I need to work on me, and this separation cannot be about us together, but us as individuals...

I have lots of friends who think I'm terrific. I am petrified of being alone, I suspect that letting that go will make it easy to let go of this relationship.

SlowlyGettingWiser

You seem to have a good idea of WHAT it is you need to focus on. If you've been in IC a LONG TIME and the focus is not on you, it would make me wonder if you need to consider another therapist. But, don't take my word for gospel...just something to consider.

deejov

Sorry you find yourself here.

It sounds like there is quite a history there, and I"m glad to hear you are in counselling. Resentment and anger are not fun crosses to bear.

When at a crossroads in life, the best thing you can do is look at yourself. Only you can make a decision on what you should do with your life and what makes you happy. Being with someone to fill a void is just fake happiness, and I do hope you are able to find that inner you along the way.

I"m not sure if this would be applicable in your situation, but sometimes when you get to the point of just plain treating each other badly, it can help to get back to basics.

there is a version of this on the marriagebuilders website, 5 steps to romantic love, but I'll just say that you can make your own "plan" if you will.

Go back to simple.
Agree to treat each other well, with respect, honesty, state what is expected, and keep up your end of the bargain. Things you should do for each other, things you should NOT do. Practice being respectful and kind to each other. It can help you get over the resentment, put your focus BACK on how you treat people.
Because that's all you really control, how you behave.

being mad about things he did in the past doesn't change a darn thing. Ever. So you are the one who is losing in the end.

Put your energy where it belongs. On the future.