poker_face_joe

While I was deployed my wife told me on facebook she wanted to hang out with a guy that I work with (i work and live overseas). Normally this wouldn't be a problem since the crew i work with is pretty cool and trustworthy. The guy she wanted to hang out with is a home wrecker..he's slept with at least one married woman, this i know for a fact. So when my wife told me she wanted to hang out with him I told her I didn't like the idea and wasn't comfortable with it and I told her the guy is a bad person and I wanted her to stay away from him.

About a day and a half later my wife told me she went to his apartment to hang out and they had a few drinks. After a few drinks she said he came onto her and she rejected him. She then told me she was extremely tired and ended up sleeping on his couch since it was 3 am.

After hearing that i went ballistic on her. She told me the reason she went to visit him was because she was lonely that I had been gone for 2 months and was going to be gone another month and she needed someone to talk to. The thing that bothered me most was if he came onto her why didn't she leave right then and there...she could have gotten a cab home. After i confronted her about her potentially cheating on me she claimed I was overreacting and nothing happened. She still hasn't taken me serious in the matter and keeps telling me I'm wrong for not trusting her and nothing happened.

The main problem now is I am unsure of if my wife cheated on me and after threatening the guy involved face to face i know he would never admit anything happened out of pure fear of me beating him within an inch of his life.

Two days ago I hit a boiling point and told my wife I couldn't be with her anymore...the thought that she betrayed my trust so badly and possibly cheated on me was breaking me apart and I told her I wanted a month break and would let her know after the month if I wanted to continue on with our marriage. We've only been married a year and a half. I honestly feel like she has cheated on me because even if she didn't i'll never know...any trust I had in her is now gone and i'm broken up inside.

tacoma

So your wife isn't sympathetic to your ire for her sPending a drunken night with a creep you specifically told her not to be with?

She thinks this is no big deal?
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CandieGirl

Why she would even ask if she could is beyond me...then, to go do it anyway. AND sleep there. But nothing happened. Of course. Married women sleep at other men's houses all the time! FUME.
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poker_face_joe

she has only showed any care and concern about the matter after i told her it was over. When i said divorce she then acted semi-sorry about it. The only saving grace I can really say is she has agreed to get a job and pay for a lie detector test at any place of my choice.

mamap1

Wow I'm sorry to say this but what a disrespectfull selfish person.. while you are out working your ass off.. she is going and drinking with someone you know/ against your wishes and staying the night? Why would someone do that to someone they love. Sounds like she told you that to ease her guilty mind when she probally really knows what happened.. alcohol and being alone with another guys after not having sex for along time doesn't mix... I wouldn't trust her..

tacoma

Even if she were to pass that test with flying colors I`d seriously reconsider giving such a woman my trust as a wife.

She`s done it once without any regard for you and you aren`t home a lot.

I don`t know if I`d want that.

Shaggy

Bottom line - she knew going over there what was going to go dine and shr chose to do it, she had sex with him and she didn't sleep on the coach. Come on really how dumb does she think you are.

Only a year and half and she is cheating, dump this one and dont buy her lies. She and he are no doubt laughing about you when they're meeting up.
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Entropy3000

Dude. Brother. I was in the militray for eight years. No way it is cool for a deployed guys wife to be spending the night over any guys house. You know this.

In this same situation if my wife stayed over any guys house, that would be all I would need to know. It would not matter what happened. That is incredible disrepspect and lost of trust.

Guys, you do not tell your wife you do not like something that is really a boundary. You tell them it is unacceptable and a deal breaker. Frankly you should never have to invoke that. If she spent the night there she wanted to.

This is not the wife you were looking for.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

poker_face_joe

I meant it would be cool for her to have drinks at a bar or meet them for coffee or dinner...im never cool with the idea of my wife at any man's home without me there.

sharkeey

Now you have made a difficult situation for yourself. You told her you need a month to decide about the marriage.

If you're good with divorcing her then no problem, but odds are you aren't going to be able to walk away that easily especially since you can't be sure she cheated although it appears she did.

So now what? Assuming you wait the month and you go no contact, what will that month accomplish? After a month you are going to "give her another chance". So what? She realizes you came back to her and she can do what she want, and if she DID cheat she's now got the green light to do it again and if she didn't cheat but is only exercising poor judgment she wont see it as being wrong and she'll see you as being over the top reactive and acting desperate.

Better way to have handled it is to tell her if she ever pulls a stunt like that again it's over, does she understand? No less than a firm and solid nod of her head and begging for forgiveness is acceptable.

Not sure how you can save this one, sorry.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Good Grief. My husband was a lying cheat and when he was deployed I still did not do anything that would compromise a marriage, although after I found out he was a lying cheat he probably drove himself crazy thinking that I was out there doing whatever it was that would drive him crazy thinking about. :-o
Soooo, after he got back from deployment and got another chance, I filed for divorce. Finally got together with a guy I really cared for, two weeks after that he had a brain hemorrhage. Who knows how long I will be waiting for him. Something is wrong with your wife if she cannot keep herself safe and deal with feelings of loneliness in a healthy manner while you are away making a living. Anyone who is in a marriage or a committed relationship should be prepared to have to stand on their own in any kind of circumstance that involves the two of you, and if they can't do it, seek help and support rather than taking the easy way out and one that leads to trouble. She certainly is not caring for your feelings of security at all. That is a major violation of trust. Fail.

Entropy3000

Her sleeping over this particular guys house and with her husband asking her not to, this was absolutely unfaithful. It is pretty much a technicallity whether they had sex or not. Seriously. And yes they did. But that is not the point. Someone is deployed and their wife does this!? UFB.

No kids? No brainer. Find a better woman.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

timeforpain

In case you're serious about lie detectors, please know they don't work: Polygraph - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I know you're obsessed with your suspicion about her cheating on you. It takes a special trust to hold a marriage together when one spouse is away so long so often. But I think the larger question here is, why would she disrespect your absolutely clear requirement for her to stay away from this man? Most married couples I know would observe anything this clearly and rationally stated.

SlowlyGettingWiser

My answer ASSUMES that your wife is quite young. (Let me know if I'm wrong.)

You were namby-pamby about it.

You said: you 'didn't like the idea', you told her you weren't 'comfortable', and you told her he was 'a bad person.'

She heard: 'he'd prefer I didn't do this and this guy's not always nice'....but then she hangs with him (in public) and thinks 'hmmm, he seems nice to ME...hubby must be mistaken/have over-reacted, etc.'

You SHOULD HAVE SAID: Stay away from this guy. He's a home-wrecker. I know for a fact he's slept with other guys' wives. I don't want him hitting on you.

THIS is something concrete. She KNOWS what kind of 'bad', she knows what your expectation is and WHY.

You should have demanded an apology for breaking your trust. You should have posited the scenario that it was YOU drinking at some woman's apartment, she came on to you, you spent the night there...on the couch. Now, how would your WIFE feel? What would your wife think was the appropriate response from you if you did this to her? Demand an answer. Tell her that you want to know how SHE thinks she can make this right between you.

Ask her how you will know you can trust her judgement the next time she's lonely, or you're deployed too long, or some guy hits on her. Tell her that since you're not her 'keeper,' you need to know that she is trustworthy on her own, OR there is no point in being married. Tell her she has until your 'one month' period is up to come up with some solutions.

warlock07

see her react to a polygraph