More proof you cant speak logic to someone who is in the fog
I am not in any fog. I am not in love, or in lust, with any one at the moment.
More proof you can't speak "logic" to someone who is determined to think only their way, and not see the other side. I am capable of seeing both and am doing so at the moment.
Too bad, thought there would be more gentle thoughtfulness here.
it's not cowardly to walk away and give someone the freedom of finding someone who wants what they want, but that's not what you're doing. 2 affairs (one done and one on the back burner) is a cowards way of dealing with their inner demons.
You got dumped on because as you point out,nyou cheated and you don't feel bad about doing it. Instead, you've compounded that selfish attack on your husband with more statements which read very much like, "and if hubby doesn't get it right, I'm going to go right back out and do it again."
We are supportive, but we are never supportive of cheating.
We support honesty, mutual care kindness and respect. Your post contained none of that, just a defiant tone. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, why can't I generate that in my current relationship? Trying...have tried for years. This is why we are going to start professional help. Have an appointment for 2 weeks out and looking forward to it.
I was going to ask you what work did you do to fix your marriage. Because it's not working. Then you posted the above.
That's the first thing you said that didn't have any selfish excuse about it. You finally figured out you need professional help. Trying to fix 10+ years of unhappiness with escapes of infidelity didn't work. That's for sure.
And like you, there are WS on this forum and they'll call out hollow stories right off too. But if you can take the heat long enough, you'll get some help.
You got dumped on because as you point out,nyou cheated and you don't feel bad about doing it. Instead, you've compounded that selfish attack on your husband with more statements which read very much like, "and if hubby doesn't get it right, I'm going to go right back out and do it again."
We are supportive, but we are never supportive of cheating.
We support honesty, mutual care kindness and respect. Your post contained none of that, just a defiant tone. Posted via Mobile Device
"and if hubby doesn't get it right, I'm going to go right back out and do it again."
Oh, no...I never said any of that, real or implied. I don't think that for a second. Technically...he's done everything right. I am well aware of that and have told him as much. We are being utterly, completely honest with each other at the moment. But is it enough? That's what marriage comes to sometimes...is it enough? For either party?
And feeling bad about something is very different from feeling guilt. I don't feel guilt, but I do feel terribly that I hurt him. Sounds paradoxical to some, perhaps, but it's not.
And my post, admitting what I did and what it felt like, contained complete honesty. That's what I am here for (and will be going to counseling for)...to understand what I did and why I did it and what it all means.
Yes, why can't I generate that in my current relationship? Trying...have tried for years. This is why we are going to start professional help. Have an appointment for 2 weeks out and looking forward to it.
Excellent!
On the face of it, he has boy bits... you have girl bits... all the basics are in place for "heart-pounding desire". The thing is that when a relationship is new, it gets these free bonus points called "new relationship energy". That's really just saying that when people are new to each other there's a lot of mystery and therefor a lot of curiosity and engagement. After that period passes though, you have to actually expend effort to make things like "heart pounding desire" occur.
On the upside, if you DO expend that effort then what you get is "heart pounding desire" with a person you know and trust and are more intimate with than you ever could be with some stranger. You really can have your cake and eat it too. You just need to be willing to bake the cake.
I was going to ask you what work did you do to fix your marriage. Because it's not working. Then you posted the above.
That's the first thing you said that didn't have any selfish excuse about it. You finally figured out you need professional help. Trying to fix 10+ years of unhappiness with escapes of infidelity didn't work. That's for sure.
And like you, there are WS on this forum and they'll call out hollow stories right off too. But if you can take the heat long enough, you'll get some help.
Good luck working on yourself and marriage.
Thank you. But what's WS?
BTW, nothing I wrote was meant to be an excuse...it was all stream-of-consciousness-how-I-am-feeling-at-this-very-moment writing.
I know I am not alone. I know that what I am going through is not unique...so I am looking to find others who feel the same and can help me explore it. That's why I am here.
Despite the fact that a large percentage of those here on the forum are the betrayed spouse BS,
DOES NOT mean that it's open season to project anger or bitterness at a wayward spouse WS, that comes here looking for input and support.
We cannot help our feelings, they are what they are. I know we need help (and I will say, he is not blameless in this marriage.
Its just my opinion, and not one based upon credentials, but I do think that you can learn to 'help your feelings' through counseling and hard work. You can choose to begin to value certain attributes of your partner, and break through assumptions you make about them, learning to see the real beauty in them.
When I read your posts, I'm saddened by the sense that maybe you feel lost, and struggling to understand the reasons why you feel like you do. My wife struggles with bipolar depression, and that loss of control, feeling like she cannot control how she feels, just leads her to deeper levels of confusion in her life. I'm not trying to suggest that you can simply decide to feel more love for your husband. I know its not that simple. But I was glad to see that you are looking forward to working with a counselor.
The breakdown of a marriage really saddens me, I have to admit. Regardless of the path you choose regarding your relationship, I hope that you can find something you really believe in through counseling, something that makes you wake up each day with a feeling of hope. Maybe you recognize how hard this can be for your husband to understand. Encourage him to seek individual counseling also.
I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again.
a lot.
Your name says it all. You didn't get to do what you wanted and you're missing out on life.
Go out, have fun, sleep around, experience what it's like to be with other men. It's your life and you live it the way you want. Many won't approve but why are you really here?
You want someone to say, sure go ahead sleep with other men and find that passion and heart pounding desire. You're not gonna get that here.
Maybe life will be better apart, no one knows what the future holds. But are you willing to throw away a good family (from what you say) just for your own selfish reasons?
Mom, why did you and dad divorce?
Because mom wanted to experience heart pounding desire with other men.
Although you'll probably lie and just tell them that daddy and mommy just grew apart.
You only live once, you gotta do what's right for you.
The only question is, when you're old and grey can you look back and be proud of what you've done. Or will you look back and say what did I do to my life when I had it all.
Its just my opinion, and not one based upon credentials, but I do think that you can learn to 'help your feelings' through counseling and hard work. You can choose to begin to value certain attributes of your partner, and break through assumptions you make about them, learning to see the real beauty in them.
When I read your posts, I'm saddened by the sense that maybe you feel lost, and struggling to understand the reasons why you feel like you do. My wife struggles with bipolar depression, and that loss of control, feeling like she cannot control how she feels, just leads her to deeper levels of confusion in her life. I'm not trying to suggest that you can simply decide to feel more love for your husband. I know its not that simple. But I was glad to see that you are looking forward to working with a counselor.
The breakdown of a marriage really saddens me, I have to admit. Regardless of the path you choose regarding your relationship, I hope that you can find something you really believe in through counseling, something that makes you wake up each day with a feeling of hope. Maybe you recognize how hard this can be for your husband to understand. Encourage him to seek individual counseling also.
Wonderful, helpful words, all of these. Thank you.
Your name says it all. You didn't get to do what you wanted and you're missing out on life.
Go out, have fun, sleep around, experience what it's like to be with other men. It's your life and you live it the way you want. Many won't approve but why are you really here?
You want someone to say, sure go ahead sleep with other men and find that passion and heart pounding desire. You're not gonna get that here.
Maybe life will be better apart, no one knows what the future holds. But are you willing to throw away a good family (from what you say) just for your own selfish reasons?
Mom, why did you and dad divorce?
Because mom wanted to experience heart pounding desire with other men.
Although you'll probably lie and just tell them that daddy and mommy just grew apart.
You only live once, you gotta do what's right for you.
The only question is, when you're old and grey can you look back and be proud of what you've done. Or will you look back and say what did I do to my life when I had it all.
That was one small piece of what I said, and certainly not the whole picture at all. And guess what? Mommy and Daddy HAVE grown apart. Again, these things don't happen in a vacuum. And I have also said in my original post and again in my responses, that I do want to put in the work and try but I am not feeling particularly hopeful at the moment.
That's the problem, when you only focus on just one small issue in a whole, complicated messy situation.
"and if hubby doesn't get it right, I'm going to go right back out and do it again."
Oh, no...I never said any of that, real or implied. I don't think that for a second. Technically...he's done everything right. I am well aware of that and have told him as much. We are being utterly, completely honest with each other at the moment. But is it enough? That's what marriage comes to sometimes...is it enough? For either party?
And feeling bad about something is very different from feeling guilt. I don't feel guilt, but I do feel terribly that I hurt him. Sounds paradoxical to some, perhaps, but it's not.
And my post, admitting what I did and what it felt like, contained complete honesty. That's what I am here for (and will be going to counseling for)...to understand what I did and why I did it and what it all means.
So I spoke honestly and from the heart. Yup!
And there lies the disconect between you and this board.
You are having a hard time seeing that you should feel guilt.
You're right, you're not the only person to go through this type of thing. It sounds very much like you're having a mid life crisis. Maybe you aren't happy with your life right now, questioning whether there is more out there, is the grass greener on the other side.
I'd like to hear more about your lack of guilt and how you deal with what you've done to your husband...how is he handling it???
You first post didn't come off well. In turn you got blasted. That said, I do believe, if you and your husband want to, you can learn the methods to regain and keep romantic love in your relationship. But it will take both of you and a lot of work. Look up the books by W. Harley. Those are always a good start.
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Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad 
