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Old 05-01-2012, 07:39 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Originally Posted by working_together View Post
You're right, you're not the only person to go through this type of thing. It sounds very much like you're having a mid life crisis. Maybe you aren't happy with your life right now, questioning whether there is more out there, is the grass greener on the other side.

I'd like to hear more about your lack of guilt and how you deal with what you've done to your husband...how is he handling it???
He is being wonderful and we are talking things through daily.

The problem with a message board such as this is that no matter how much of your story you tell, there is always more to it. My husband said something tonight that struck such a chord with both of us, we were rendered speechless and had to just go away from each other to digest.

A little piece of the puzzle...we had a third child, who was an unexpected pregnancy. Without family in the area and not much of a support system, we were already pushed to the limit with two kids. But even though I am very much pro-choice, I felt like we didn't have a choice here...we were parents, we knew how to be parents and we were financially stable enough to handle it. I didn't feel I could live with myself if we aborted.

So we didn't. And he's been harboring resentment about this for several years. Because she's a tough kid and she pushes us to our stress levels all the time. She has some minor developmental delays that manifest themselves as behavioral issues (working with Early Intervention on those). But it's been really, really hard and there has been an undercurrent from him, for several years, of "Well, this was your choice, you have to deal with it".

He spoke about that tonight, of realizing that the expectations he's put on me to handle her and to "suck it up" when it's been hard, have really damaged us.

I cried so hard I could barely breath. I am still cryiing now.l
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:59 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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And there lies the disconect between you and this board.

You are having a hard time seeing that you should feel guilt.

And the fact that you don't is quite telling.
No, actually, I am not having a hard time seeing that I SHOULD feel guilt...

I just DON'T feel guilt. I don't know what got me to the place where I was willing to go so far, but I got there. And that is what my responsibility is now...to figure that out and to see if it's fixable. If it's not, we will let each other go and find our happiness separately. But if it is, then I owe to him to try. And that's what I will do.
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:02 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Excellent!

On the face of it, he has boy bits... you have girl bits... all the basics are in place for "heart-pounding desire". The thing is that when a relationship is new, it gets these free bonus points called "new relationship energy". That's really just saying that when people are new to each other there's a lot of mystery and therefor a lot of curiosity and engagement. After that period passes though, you have to actually expend effort to make things like "heart pounding desire" occur.

On the upside, if you DO expend that effort then what you get is "heart pounding desire" with a person you know and trust and are more intimate with than you ever could be with some stranger. You really can have your cake and eat it too. You just need to be willing to bake the cake.
Love this. I hope we can find our way there.
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:23 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

Missinglife, from what you've posted, I can see how your marriage has gotten to where it is. What puzzles me is why you called it a "good marriage, by most accounts" in your first posting.

Your marriage isn't good. It's in serious trouble.

To me, a good marriage is one in which both partners are communicating openly and honestly. A good marriage is one in which sex isn't a junkie's fix, but something to be shared as a wonderful and natural experience between a couple. You've admitted that, at least on your end, it's not been this way. So I wouldn't objectively say that you've got a good marriage right now.

But - like myself and many others here - you're open to working on it. Bypassing anything you've said about wanting to leave him and just be on your own, you've also said you want to try repairing your marriage.

It's rough stuff. As a good friend once told me, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do." But underneath your anger and pain there's a feeling that you really do want to figure out why you've made the choices you have. You want to understand why your husband resents you so strongly over your third child. That's where counseling can help you. Good luck.
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:45 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Your name says it all. You didn't get to do what you wanted and you're missing out on life.

Go out, have fun, sleep around, experience what it's like to be with other men. It's your life and you live it the way you want. Many won't approve but why are you really here?

You want someone to say, sure go ahead sleep with other men and find that passion and heart pounding desire. You're not gonna get that here.

Maybe life will be better apart, no one knows what the future holds. But are you willing to throw away a good family (from what you say) just for your own selfish reasons? . . .

Or will you look back and say what did I do to my life when I had it all.
Dear Missinglife,

It makes me sad to read your story since it reminds me of what I am currently going through with my wife. She too now wants to find her happiness elsewhere and I am the imperfect yet likewise understanding husband of my wife's evolution.

Funny, since we don't have kids I actually thought having kids would focus her attention and glue us together but your posts just confirmed that kids would only be mean more casualties.

There is another part of your story that reminds me of my mom and dad's divorce after 32 years. They both struggled so much and hit hard times from trying to support a large family that one day dad essentially said, "I give up, this job of being married to a large family is too hard. I want to start fresh, and with a new woman." He died of cancer a few years later longing to have his family nearby during his last days of his life. And we were there but the tragedy of him not being part of our lives those last few years may the end a bit more painful.

I don't know where you will end up, it sounds partly like a mid-life crisis and partly like your marriage won't survive, and cheating on him again will only affirm the end. For the sake of your kids, it's good you going through MC so give it a meaningful chance for their sake.

And despite the hail of flames you got from other posters when you started this thread, it was probably one of the smartest moves you made to figure out what's going on and where you go next. Because whatever road you decide to take, it needs to involve a strong dose of reality to make it sanely through to the other end. Good luck.

Last edited by anon54; 05-01-2012 at 08:49 PM.
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Old 05-01-2012, 09:39 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Missing life...I am you in so many ways. I understand the feeling of not feeling guilty about your affair but being sad. I too didn't feel guilty nor did I feel remorse...my affair woke me up to my reality. The fog that I lived in was a very unhealthy marriage that led to me making a bad choice because at the time it seemed easier then dealing with issues that had gone on for so long that I didn't know where to start. I was a coward. I ask myself daily how and why I let myself do what I did. It wasn't me. But sadly in my affair...I was the most me that I've ever been. I no longer had to act a certain way, no longer had to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I was the person that I so easily could be, being me. It's hard for people to understand who have never been where we are. I understand. My affair lasted over 2 yrs. I never intended for what started out as two old friends reminiscing about old times to turn into what it did. He was suppose to be safe. And I was not that person. Im in the same shoes as u r. Total honesty with husband. Affair was confessed and we were able to end it on our own terms. Knowing that what we did was f'd up...we aren't bad people. Now to fix me. I too have no clue if I can make things work with my H or if I even want to try. I don't love him the way I should and according to our MC she thinks we would have to start all over. Not sure with 20 yrs of history, especially like ours that it's possible. Anyways...you're not alone. I just think that people like you and I who post for advice on a sight where the cheater is the enemy...are sitting ducks for people who have been hurt by people like us. If only they can see that we are trying...not to justify our choices but to get ourselves to a better place so we never do it again.
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:54 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Originally Posted by missinglife View Post
The problem with a message board such as this is that no matter how much of your story you tell, there is always more to it.
*nods* That is how it is. That's why it's important to take whatever is written in response to your story and make sure it actually fits. It's also good to remember that those who "got it wrong" had solid reason to do so. Often times I think that threads like these succeed not because of some incredibly insightful answer that someone gave, but rather because the couple in question discussed the thread and in talking about all the ways the answers were wrong, they come upon the right answer.
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:44 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Missinglife, from what you've posted, I can see how your marriage has gotten to where it is. What puzzles me is why you called it a "good marriage, by most accounts" in your first posting.

Your marriage isn't good. It's in serious trouble.

To me, a good marriage is one in which both partners are communicating openly and honestly. A good marriage is one in which sex isn't a junkie's fix, but something to be shared as a wonderful and natural experience between a couple. You've admitted that, at least on your end, it's not been this way. So I wouldn't objectively say that you've got a good marriage right now.

But - like myself and many others here - you're open to working on it. Bypassing anything you've said about wanting to leave him and just be on your own, you've also said you want to try repairing your marriage.

It's rough stuff. As a good friend once told me, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do." But underneath your anger and pain there's a feeling that you really do want to figure out why you've made the choices you have. You want to understand why your husband resents you so strongly over your third child. That's where counseling can help you. Good luck.
Agreed, our marriage isn't "good". I suppose I meant that on paper it looks good overall. No abuse, nothing technically "wrong".

But underlying tensions and the toll of raising three kids when we have no support network have really hurt us.
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:50 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Dear Missinglife,

It makes me sad to read your story since it reminds me of what I am currently going through with my wife. She too now wants to find her happiness elsewhere and I am the imperfect yet likewise understanding husband of my wife's evolution.

Funny, since we don't have kids I actually thought having kids would focus her attention and glue us together but your posts just confirmed that kids would only be mean more casualties.

There is another part of your story that reminds me of my mom and dad's divorce after 32 years. They both struggled so much and hit hard times from trying to support a large family that one day dad essentially said, "I give up, this job of being married to a large family is too hard. I want to start fresh, and with a new woman." He died of cancer a few years later longing to have his family nearby during his last days of his life. And we were there but the tragedy of him not being part of our lives those last few years may the end a bit more painful.

I don't know where you will end up, it sounds partly like a mid-life crisis and partly like your marriage won't survive, and cheating on him again will only affirm the end. For the sake of your kids, it's good you going through MC so give it a meaningful chance for their sake.

And despite the hail of flames you got from other posters when you started this thread, it was probably one of the smartest moves you made to figure out what's going on and where you go next. Because whatever road you decide to take, it needs to involve a strong dose of reality to make it sanely through to the other end. Good luck.
Thanks. I am sorry for what you are going through.

I will say this...I won't cheat on him again, if we stay together. That, in part, is what counseling is for...can we stay together for the long haul and be happy enough that no one turns to anyone else? I NEED to know that before I decide to stay and the only way I can figure that out is with professional help.

I also will never abandon my children. Although I desperately want to be alone at times, my biggest obligation is to them right now. If we separate, we would split custody, no question.

I am a child of divorce and quite frankly, it can often be the best for all parties involved. It can take its toll on the kids, no question, but as long as the parents do their best to mitigate that toll, there isn't necessarily lasting damage.
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:54 AM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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*nods* That is how it is. That's why it's important to take whatever is written in response to your story and make sure it actually fits. It's also good to remember that those who "got it wrong" had solid reason to do so. Often times I think that threads like these succeed not because of some incredibly insightful answer that someone gave, but rather because the couple in question discussed the thread and in talking about all the ways the answers were wrong, they come upon the right answer.


It didn't really upset me, what was angrily written by hurt or injured parties. As you said, I only took what actually fits my situation. I've been a part of messageboards before (parenting forums and such) and I know people don't truly know me or my situation. And now I am seeing some true, thoughtful responses that add up a lot more.

I almost got a kick out of some of it, the assumptions that were made, the person who kept accusing me of wanting my husband for financial and babysitting reasons alone. Harsh and utterly false, so I dismissed it entirely.
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:26 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Missing life...I am you in so many ways. I understand the feeling of not feeling guilty about your affair but being sad. I too didn't feel guilty nor did I feel remorse...my affair woke me up to my reality. The fog that I lived in was a very unhealthy marriage that led to me making a bad choice because at the time it seemed easier then dealing with issues that had gone on for so long that I didn't know where to start. I was a coward. I ask myself daily how and why I let myself do what I did. It wasn't me. But sadly in my affair...I was the most me that I've ever been. I no longer had to act a certain way, no longer had to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I was the person that I so easily could be, being me. It's hard for people to understand who have never been where we are. I understand. My affair lasted over 2 yrs. I never intended for what started out as two old friends reminiscing about old times to turn into what it did. He was suppose to be safe. And I was not that person. Im in the same shoes as u r. Total honesty with husband. Affair was confessed and we were able to end it on our own terms. Knowing that what we did was f'd up...we aren't bad people. Now to fix me. I too have no clue if I can make things work with my H or if I even want to try. I don't love him the way I should and according to our MC she thinks we would have to start all over. Not sure with 20 yrs of history, especially like ours that it's possible. Anyways...you're not alone. I just think that people like you and I who post for advice on a sight where the cheater is the enemy...are sitting ducks for people who have been hurt by people like us. If only they can see that we are trying...not to justify our choices but to get ourselves to a better place so we never do it again.
Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes just knowing we aren't alone helps immensely.
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Old 05-02-2012, 10:30 AM   #42 (permalink)
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It didn't really upset me, what was angrily written by hurt or injured parties. As you said, I only took what actually fits my situation. I've been a part of messageboards before (parenting forums and such) and I know people don't truly know me or my situation. And now I am seeing some true, thoughtful responses that add up a lot more.

I almost got a kick out of some of it, the assumptions that were made, the person who kept accusing me of wanting my husband for financial and babysitting reasons alone. Harsh and utterly false, so I dismissed it entirely.
I'm the one who made that comment, and I own it 100%.

I'm actually not angry or bitter--that's just you projecting your own issues on to me--is that irony lost?

I'm happily reconciled with my husband--he had an emotional affair. I was able to forgive him and a big reason for that is that he and I are different people now, we work on the marriage and enjoy our time together and have a new appreciation for the good in life in general. We have a passion and a sense of being in love that was missing before. It's sad that we nearly had to lose it all to get to this place, but there it is. But on the other hand, our marriage and relationship are the best they've been in 10 years, maybe more, and there's nowhere to go but up.

I wish that for you too, and I hope you find it. But as many others have said, the way you've written your posts, there is something--and I'm sorry, but it is clearly there--very cold.
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Old 05-02-2012, 10:58 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

Missing,

As you've filled in the pieces it's become easier to understand.

I participate on a number of these boards and my issues doesn't involve infidelity at all but I found my self agreeing with quite a few of the posters you didn't.

I still find that my biggest concern is your lack of regret. I know that when I've hurt someone I profess to care about (and it could be only a friend or aquaintence) I feel a degree of guilt. You've betrayed your life partner, regardless of the reasoning behind it. While it's possible that you may wind up with a new and better marriage because of your infidelity (and that is a definite plus) wouldn't you rather this not have happened this way?

I too have 3 children (13, 18 and 20) and undestand the pressures of deal with all of this as well as working 12 - 13 hour days. My wife was fortunate that she could stay home for a number of years but she then had all the pressure of dealing with the kids
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Old 05-02-2012, 11:00 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

MissingLife, I was all for you prior to the affair. I truly believe you're already tapped out and you're going through MC, etc., so that your attempt at "saving" your marriage will look legit to your H and outsiders. As iHeartLife stated, we are ppl that REALLY want our marriages to work. Therefore, we seek out issues WITHin the marriage/ourselves before ever attempting to FULLFILL our personal desires outside of them.


I will be honest and say that you open yourself up to judgement with these types of posts. You were blunt and straight to the point. So we are answering you in the same tone. Yes, some of the ppl on this post were harsh but it's because when ppl come along and say they typically have a good thing going but they're just bored, etc., it strikes a very sensitive nerve in those looking to save/reignite those same things.

If I were you, I would cut the strings now. Go find what you're in search of. Pain is inevitable from your original post. So, there's no need to delay.

Just one word of advice, when you don't find what you're looking for (because it sounds like you're in search of "the honeymoon period/new love butterflies" 24/7-365, don't disrupt your soon to be ex-husbands life by trying to reconcile. Let him find a woman that wants what he wants.

And I truly hope you find whatever it is you're in search of.
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Old 05-02-2012, 11:10 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Missing,

As you've filled in the pieces it's become easier to understand.

I participate on a number of these boards and my issues doesn't involve infidelity at all but I found my self agreeing with quite a few of the posters you didn't.

I still find that my biggest concern is your lack of regret. I know that when I've hurt someone I profess to care about (and it could be only a friend or aquaintence) I feel a degree of guilt. You've betrayed your life partner, regardless of the reasoning behind it. While it's possible that you may wind up with a new and better marriage because of your infidelity (and that is a definite plus) wouldn't you rather this not have happened this way?

I too have 3 children (13, 18 and 20) and undestand the pressures of deal with all of this as well as working 12 - 13 hour days. My wife was fortunate that she could stay home for a number of years but she then had all the pressure of dealing with the kids
But I am not looking for another marriage. I am not trying to "trade up" (horrible phrase). I think it's an interesting assumption that people have made out of my posts, which I get because you can't possibly know everything that adds into the situation and all of the things that are on my mind.

I am honestly not sure I believe in marriage anymore. Probably a bad place to say it, if this site is mostly devoted to saving marriages. Although I have desires for other people (no one specifically, this is just very abstract for the time being), I don't think that's been the driving force all along.

So contrary to what people are getting from my posts, I am not dying to run into the arms of another man. Quite the opposite, actually. I think I want to be alone for a long time. I think my affair was a mistaken form of escapism, definitely, because certainly didn't solve the central problem.
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