I'm the one who made that comment, and I own it 100%.
I'm actually not angry or bitter--that's just you projecting your own issues on to me--is that irony lost?
I'm happily reconciled with my husband--he had an emotional affair. I was able to forgive him and a big reason for that is that he and I are different people now, we work on the marriage and enjoy our time together and have a new appreciation for the good in life in general. We have a passion and a sense of being in love that was missing before. It's sad that we nearly had to lose it all to get to this place, but there it is. But on the other hand, our marriage and relationship are the best they've been in 10 years, maybe more, and there's nowhere to go but up.
I wish that for you too, and I hope you find it. But as many others have said, the way you've written your posts, there is something--and I'm sorry, but it is clearly there--very cold.
No irony. I never said any one is bitter. But things can be "angrily written", as the comment about finances and babysitting were. That's why it didn't bother me much. I know how these things go on message boards. One has a strong opinion and it shows...whether or not it truly has any bearing on my situation.
And if those things not raising my own ire make me seem cold, so be it.
Look, I am just doing what almost everyone else here is doing...trying to decipher my own emotions. Guilt may not be one of them, and I have to try to understand that part too.
MissingLife, I was all for you prior to the affair. I truly believe you're already tapped out and you're going through MC, etc., so that your attempt at "saving" your marriage will look legit to your H and outsiders. As iHeartLife stated, we are ppl that REALLY want our marriages to work. Therefore, we seek out issues WITHin the marriage/ourselves before ever attempting to FULLFILL our personal desires outside of them.
I will be honest and say that you open yourself up to judgement with these types of posts. You were blunt and straight to the point. So we are answering you in the same tone. Yes, some of the ppl on this post were harsh but it's because when ppl come along and say they typically have a good thing going but they're just bored, etc., it strikes a very sensitive nerve in those looking to save/reignite those same things.
If I were you, I would cut the strings now. Go find what you're in search of. Pain is inevitable from your original post. So, there's no need to delay.
Just one word of advice, when you don't find what you're looking for (because it sounds like you're in search of "the honeymoon period/new love butterflies" 24/7-365, don't disrupt your soon to be ex-husbands life by trying to reconcile. Let him find a woman that wants what he wants.
And I truly hope you find whatever it is you're in search of.
I never said I was just bored. Desperately unhappy and not truly understanding why? Yes. But "just bored" I was not.
And I know I have opened myself up to judgement, warranted or not. And that's why I will respond, too. Or sometimes, I won't respond because it's simply not worth it. If someone is determined to believe the worst of me, nothing I will say will change that.
I am saving my limited energy for more important endeavours.
Nothing ever "says it all". I've stated clearly that I do feel badly for hurting him. But I don't necessarily feel guilt about my actions.
Complicated? Yep, you bet.
To me, it does say it all that you feel zero guilt/remorse for cheating on your husband.
Like I said, my 2 cents. You don't have to agree with me. But you're posting on an open forum and asking questions and opinions and that is mine.
It appears you don't like a lot of what you are hearing on here which is why most of your posts come across as defensive.
I think therapy is a good idea. If you are done iwth your marriage, don't string your husband along. That's possibly the worst thing you could ever do. Especially after betraying him.
I never said I was just bored. Desperately unhappy and not truly understanding why? Yes. But "just bored" I was not.
And I know I have opened myself up to judgement, warranted or not. And that's why I will respond, too. Or sometimes, I won't respond because it's simply not worth it. If someone is determined to believe the worst of me, nothing I will say will change that.
I am saving my limited energy for more important endeavours.
You didn't have to say it. Your original post did. Good luck either way.
To me, it does say it all that you feel zero guilt/remorse for cheating on your husband.
Like I said, my 2 cents. You don't have to agree with me. But you're posting on an open forum and asking questions and opinions and that is mine.
It appears you don't like a lot of what you are hearing on here which is why most of your posts come across as defensive.
I think therapy is a good idea. If you are done iwth your marriage, don't string your husband along. That's possibly the worst thing you could ever do. Especially after betraying him.
Hmmm, I don't actually feel defensive - not at all. I am responding only inasmuch as it makes sense and helps me sort out my feelings. That's really what I am doing and what I am here for.
I don't intend to string him along. Not at all, but we both need to figure out what we we want, what we can live with, before we call it quits. We are agreed on that.
He knows all of these feelings and thoughts...I haven't said anything here I haven't said to him, including the non-guilt bit.
I am couching my words with him carefully, however. No, not to "string him along" but because I think we need to be in counseling for that, where it's safe to completely open up and have a mediator there to help us.
I have felt very trapped in my relationship for a long time. And although I pride myself on being very open and straightforward, I found it very hard to say to the man who's been my partner for 15+ years that I felt that way, that I was struggling and drowning in it and that he and the kids and everything around me was part of the problem. So yes, I chose a path that was spectacularly unfair to him and hurt him deeply. I know that. And I do feel remorse for hurting him, but that's not necessarily the same as guilt over what I've done. Splitting hairs, maybe, but it's how I feel.
What I can hope for, what I do hope for, is that bringing us to this point won't be all for naught. That we will both discover things about ourselves (indeed, we already are) and that wherever we end up, we will be happier for it.
I just don't know if marriage to each other is the ultimate answer. That remains to be seen.
Would you classify yourself as narcissistic? Do you understand empathy?
Just curious. I am not being mean.
No, but I think typically narcissists don't know that they are narcissists, right?
Regardless, no...I tend to be overly empathetic if anything. I understand his feelings in this matter entirely. I know he is hurting and I feel for him and I am doing my utmost to mitigate it now that the damage is done.
But this is a place for me to express myself too. It is just as important for me to understand my own feelings, and discover what's under there, and that's what I am doing.
I find your statement about the kids being part of the problem to be heartbreaking.
Can you explain to me your reasoning on how divorce would help that part.
If it was just your husband--that would be one thing, but it seems that you want to replace your whole life. That is what led to my original post stating that it seems you think that if your present existence were to change entirely, your problems would be solved.
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But setting that aside, I think there's another issue with your thread.
Nearly every time someone tries to mirror your words back to you in a slightly different way--to gain insight into your thinking--you go back to your precise original wording and say that we aren't getting it. I think that is why we aren't gaining understanding.
The posts that you do relate to are the ones that are vague, sort of, we feel for you it's tough. I can say that too--I feel for you, it's a tough situation.
I'm just trying to get beyond those vague statements.
Has you husband gotten any help for himself in dealing with the emotional scar and pain your affair caused him?
Your posts all involved you, which makes me doubt that therapy can help a lot at the moment because you are look for it to return to you the freedom and passion you had before the commitment and responsibility you now want to dump. Counseling can give you the tools to build a great marriage , but you have to chose to use them. I predict you are going to go to a session or two and discover it isn't all about you and that it actually requires you to work and reflect on with empathy the feelings and needs of others. You will right it off as useless and walk away.
Here is a life lesson I have learned. You can chose to be self centered and selfish, but by doing so you are ultimately choosing to be left behind and out of life. Sure, you'll find men who will tell you all you want to hear about you, and they will pretend to listen about you, but those men won't care about you or help you live life. It's a lonely path to choose, since you may have men around you, but you won't have kindness or love.
That's what you have begun to choose, perhaps you've seen a bit if thus truth when your affair didn't do it for you. Posted via Mobile Device
I find your statement about the kids being part of the problem to be heartbreaking.
Can you explain to me your reasoning on how divorce would help that part.
If it was just your husband--that would be one thing, but it seems that you want to replace your whole life. That is what led to my original post stating that it seems you think that if your present existence were to change entirely, your problems would be solved.
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But setting that aside, I think there's another issue with your thread.
Nearly every time someone tries to mirror your words back to you in a slightly different way--to gain insight into your thinking--you go back to your precise original wording and say that we aren't getting it. I think that is why we aren't gaining understanding.
The posts that you do relate to are the ones that are vague, sort of, we feel for you it's tough. I can say that too--I feel for you, it's a tough situation.
I'm just trying to get beyond those vague statements.
Hmm, okay, fair enough.
The kids, let's start with that one. I love them, don't get me wrong, but we are on our own here, with no family and very little support. The third kiddo was unplanned and has been a major issue. Despite being pro-choice, I was quite certain I couldn't live with myself if I aborted. But by his own admission, my husband will say that he has resented me for something of a uni-lateral decision, even though it wasn't really. He was on the fence, but I was the one to make the final decision. Because in a tie-breaker like that, it had to be my decision in the end.
Divorce wouldn't help that. I harbor no illusions about that. But it's put a strain on things and yes, sometimes I want to step away from my life and just take a big old break from everyone.
Now, for the mirroring back part. From my perspective, it's felt like people are simply attributing motives to me that are false. That's where I become dismissive, because I know it's not worth my time in this whole matter to become worried about that. But the "just bored" thing is a little much, so I had to speak to it. I was (am) unhappy, and the restlessness I felt stemmed from unhappiness. But saying someone goes out and has an affair just to alleviate boredom is far too simplistic.
I am actually relating to every post, I think, actually. As one poster said, taking the bits that apply and not worrying too much about those that don't. But I am saying thanks to those that offer some understanding, because it's certainly nice to hear. Let's face it, knowing we are not alone in what we are going through goes a long way in helping.
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Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad 
