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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 05-02-2012, 02:00 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Originally Posted by missinglife View Post
I come from a family where divorce WAS actually the answer. And it wasn't an abusive relationship, it was just a better choice for both parties involved. And in the end, for the kids too. So I guess that's a bit of my perspective. I will still be there for my kids every single day. That's who I am most accountable to at the moment.
This is what I suspected when you mentioned your parent's divorce. It was presented to you as an option in a so-so marriage, i.e., it wasn't abusive.

My husband and I didn't see that in our upbringing. Both of us have parents who are married to their first spouses, one for 47 years and the other for 44.

They had lots of ups and downs. All marriages have this. They had moments of boredom and being trapped. My husband's dad and mom married at 20 and had kids at 21. He often told my husband that was a mistake he shouldn't repeat.

My mom had to travel with my dad moving every few years to various countries, entirely uprooting everything and making new friends each time. It sounds more glamorous than it is (I was there).

My husband and I hit a wall after having two young kids. It was very hard for my husband to understand he couldn't do what he wanted any more without first consulting how it would impact me. That I couldn't play babysitter to our own children so he could get free time, and never allow the same for me.

I had no family and friends nearby. It was horribly hard. The way I handled it was not to have an affair--it was to take out all of my problems on my husband in a self-indulgent, self-centered way.

Then I had a severe leg injury that required 3 surgeries.
Just before that (unbeknownst to me) my husband began a long-term emotional affair.

It took these life events to stop seeing the world as something that was supposed to make me happy. I had to find happiness in the world as it presently existed. Being happy to wash the dishes because we had food to eat that made the dishes dirty and running water to clean them. Being glad that my kids need me because extremely soon they will not hardly need me at all.

Do you know what I said the week before I hurt my leg--from which I may never fully recover? I told my kids' preschool director (at a point of total exhaustion and ennui), "It can't get any worse, can it?" And I will never forget her words--said with no irony at all--"bite your tongue."

But here is something my husband and I said to each other before our problems, and we still say it today. Love is a Decision. It isn't a feeling. Do you believe this to be true?
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:12 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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I don't know, but I get the feeling that a lot of what you are doing is based on the "right thing to do".

Look, I was where you are, I had the guilt, but lacked a lot in the remorse department, probably due to a lot of resentment. You need to go to I/C first, you need to understand why you did what you did, and you are far from understanding what went wrong with yourself (this is about you, not hubby), you're on the path to having another affair. Your passion for life is not there, there is something missing...

On the other hand, maybe I'm way off..
Nope, not way off. Spot on, I'd say. Insightful.

Except the bit about having another affair. In my head (an unpleasant place to be at times, admittedly!), I have two choices...stay with him or not stay with him. There's no staying with him and carry on as things were. Bad idea for all involved.

Despite perhaps coming across as uncaring when I say I don't feel guilt, all I am really after here is gaining an understanding of it all.
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:13 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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She has no answers to the questions because she herself does not know....
I'm not sure what question I failed to answer but there's a lot coming at me here, so it's bound to happen.

And yep, I don't know. I don't know a lot of it!
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:21 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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This is what I suspected when you mentioned your parent's divorce. It was presented to you as an option in a so-so marriage, i.e., it wasn't abusive.

My husband and I didn't see that in our upbringing. Both of us have parents who are married to their first spouses, one for 47 years and the other for 44.

They had lots of ups and downs. All marriages have this. They had moments of boredom and being trapped. My husband's dad and mom married at 20 and had kids at 21. He often told my husband that was a mistake he shouldn't repeat.

My mom had to travel with my dad moving every few years to various countries, entirely uprooting everything and making new friends each time. It sounds more glamorous than it is (I was there).

My husband and I hit a wall after having two young kids. It was very hard for my husband to understand he couldn't do what he wanted any more without first consulting how it would impact me. That I couldn't play babysitter to our own children so he could get free time, and never allow the same for me.

I had no family and friends nearby. It was horribly hard. The way I handled it was not to have an affair--it was to take out all of my problems on my husband in a self-indulgent, self-centered way.

Then I had a severe leg injury that required 3 surgeries.
Just before that (unbeknownst to me) my husband began a long-term emotional affair.

It took these life events to stop seeing the world as something that was supposed to make me happy. I had to find happiness in the world as it presently existed. Being happy to wash the dishes because we had food to eat that made the dishes dirty and running water to clean them. Being glad that my kids need me because extremely soon they will not hardly need me at all.

Do you know what I said the week before I hurt my leg--from which I may never fully recover? I told my kids' preschool director (at a point of total exhaustion and ennui), "It can't get any worse, can it?" And I will never forget her words--said with no irony at all--"bite your tongue."

But here is something my husband and I said to each other before our problems, and we still say it today. Love is a Decision. It isn't a feeling. Do you believe this to be true?
I don't know what I believe to be true at the moment. A huge part of the problem. My mind changes from one minute to the next.

I do still think that divorce is an option, and a viable one at that. I DON'T know if it's the right thing in my case, but I don't discount it, if that's what it comes to after we've tried.

But thank you for sharing your story.
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:22 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Originally Posted by iheartlife View Post
This is what I suspected when you mentioned your parent's divorce. It was presented to you as an option in a so-so marriage, i.e., it wasn't abusive.

My husband and I didn't see that in our upbringing. Both of us have parents who are married to their first spouses, one for 47 years and the other for 44.

They had lots of ups and downs. All marriages have this. They had moments of boredom and being trapped. My husband's dad and mom married at 20 and had kids at 21. He often told my husband that was a mistake he shouldn't repeat.

My mom had to travel with my dad moving every few years to various countries, entirely uprooting everything and making new friends each time. It sounds more glamorous than it is (I was there).

My husband and I hit a wall after having two young kids. It was very hard for my husband to understand he couldn't do what he wanted any more without first consulting how it would impact me. That I couldn't play babysitter to our own children so he could get free time, and never allow the same for me.

I had no family and friends nearby. It was horribly hard. The way I handled it was not to have an affair--it was to take out all of my problems on my husband in a self-indulgent, self-centered way.

Then I had a severe leg injury that required 3 surgeries.
Just before that (unbeknownst to me) my husband began a long-term emotional affair.

It took these life events to stop seeing the world as something that was supposed to make me happy. I had to find happiness in the world as it presently existed. Being happy to wash the dishes because we had food to eat that made the dishes dirty and running water to clean them. Being glad that my kids need me because extremely soon they will not hardly need me at all.

Do you know what I said the week before I hurt my leg--from which I may never fully recover? I told my kids' preschool director (at a point of total exhaustion and ennui), "It can't get any worse, can it?" And I will never forget her words--said with no irony at all--"bite your tongue."

But here is something my husband and I said to each other before our problems, and we still say it today. Love is a Decision. It isn't a feeling. Do you believe this to be true?
This, I think, is the most valuable piece of imformation in this thread for OP.
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:56 PM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

You know, here's a little tidbit for anyone who is watching this thread...

I WANT to want this, if that makes any sense. I am not the sort of person who is constantly discontent and revels in it, or looks to be dissatisfied. So I WANT to be content in what I have, believe it or not, no matter what my actions say.

And I've always been a go-out-and-make-your-own-happiness kind of girl. It's just that it somehow seems to have gotten lost and I haven't found a good way to regain it.

And one more little tidbit that I told my husband the other day, before I ever started posting here...

I am grateful for the opportunity to try to figure this out with him, whether we end up together or not. He could so easily withdraw into his own hurt and anger, and that would be bad for both of us. But he is not that sort of person, and I am truly grateful for that.
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:22 PM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

Me?

I prefer the simple things.

You attracted to him?

And I don't mean that you think he's a standup guy and good provider. I mean are you physically, and/or intimately attracted to your husband?
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:22 PM   #83 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

Me?

I prefer the simple things.

You attracted to him?

And I don't mean that you think he's a standup guy and good provider. I mean are you physically, and/or intimately attracted to your husband?
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Old 05-04-2012, 11:34 PM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

I have never seen a mother think only of herself, throw her children and husband to the side b/c she wasn't sure she knew what SHE wanted.
I have never seen a marriage work where the spouses put themselves first.
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I would seek professional help, seek Jesus, you need him, only he can heal you and show you true happiness.
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:18 AM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad

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Nothing ever "says it all". I've stated clearly that I do feel badly for hurting him. But I don't necessarily feel guilt about my actions.

Complicated? Yep, you bet.
I wonder if the reason you don't feel badly about hurting him is that he has hurt you badly with the way he has thrown the issues with your youngest back at you... as though it's your fault and your responsibility.

To me your sounds 'empty' as though you have lost something very important and thus cannot feel. I raised 3 hard to deal with children. I know how they can take everything you have out of you. I wonder if this has happened with you.

Are there things in you life today that bring you real joy? Do you still laugh at the things you used to laugh at? What makes you really happy these days? These are important questions I'd like to hear the response to.
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Old 05-14-2012, 07:56 PM   #86 (permalink)
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When I read your original post, it really hit home. Our situations are not exactly the same -- I haven't cheated, but I often find myself thinking about whom I might date if we did get divorced -- but I do understand your feelings about wanting to be alone. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and have two children. There was one issue of my husband's that was a problem before we were married, and I naively thought it would change. It still hasn't, and it has made me feel so disconnected from him.

A couple years ago, we were living apart during the week for work-related reasons, so I got a taste of what life as a single mom would be. It was very hard, but I also liked it. On the weekends when my husband came home, it was so hard to get used to accommodating him again. It felt like he wasn't contributing to the family emotionally and also just became one more person to cook for and clean up after. I found myself thinking that if we weren't together anymore, he'd at least be completely responsible for the kids every other weekend.

I know to many other posters on here that sounds selfish and immature of me to think it would be better for me alone, but you can never fully understand another person's relationship. Like missinglife, I want to want it to work, but after 9 years of being the cheerleader in the relationship, I'm tired. I know I used to try harder at the romance and everything else, but I've gone into survival mode. I do my best to see that my kids are happy and supported, but my husband feels more like a roommate than a husband or even a close friend.

I feel like this, yet I can't talk to anyone about it because I still care enough about my husband that I don't want to "air our dirty laundry" to any of our family or anyone in our small town. (Sadly, I don't have anyone I can trust to be confidential.) I've tried talking to my husband, but he'll just try harder for a few days and then slide back to the way things were until my frustration builds enough to have another discussion that turns into an argument.
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