Long story short: 10+ years of marriage and 3 young children. I have been restless and unhappy and went seeking an affair. Had a brief one that was okay, nothing to write home about. Thought about another, when H found out.
I hate that I hurt him, but there are reasons I did this, some I understand, some I don't. And we are going to seek counseling and all of that, but I don't know that I want to be married any more. It's a good marriage, by most accounts. We see eye to eye on most things, we are friends, and there is no lack of attention or affection from him. I just don't want it any more and I don't know why. I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again.
And I hate living up to someone else's expectations all the time, whether they are real or perceived. I will always have to be accountable to my children, but I no longer want to be accountable to any other adults besides myself. I want to run my household my way, and just BE ALONE!!!
So many stupid little things about him bug me and I know full well it's me, not him. I know that. He hasn't changed, but I have. A lot. My views and ideals have changed immensely and what I think I want from my life has changed a lot. I don't want the trappings of a house and material goods. It all seems so damn overwhelming all the time.
We will give this a try, we will see if we can make it work. But I just don't know....
At least if you decide to be with someone else divorce your husband. He didnt signup for financing your cheating nor baby sitting the kids while you cheat. If you divorce him, he can upgrade to a much less selfish wife. Posted via Mobile Device
Running away from the life you created with your husband is a very cowardly thing to do. It wasn't as if you were forced to lay down and have his kids, buy the house etc, you actively chose every single bit of it. Now you don't want it anymore?
It's a fantasy. Taking your ball and going home... walking away without consequence. Yes, you can choose that too, but there are many more people that you stand to hurt by doing it. Can you live with that?
At least if you decide to be with someone else divorce your husband. He didnt signup for financing your cheating nor baby sitting the kids while you cheat. If you divorce him, he can upgrade to a much less selfish wife. Posted via Mobile Device
The problem is that through your affairs you've become a love junkie, looking for that next fix and like a junkie, you're likely to find yourself 20 years down the road still looking for that next fix. You'll be older, covered with liver spots and be wondering why you threw it all away.
Having affair(s) was a fun way for you to avoid all of your problems. You don't like your life, so you want to create a second pretend life where no one criticizes you, you're always getting compliments, and no one has to fight over whose turn it is to clean up the vomit when the kids get sick.
You can get a divorce, but your core problem is going to follow you wherever you go: you imagine that somewhere around the corner there's an existence that's fabulously better than your own. Maybe if you run fast enough away from your problems, eventually you'll catch it. Just fill your husband in on your plans first, so that he can make fully informed choices about what dreams HE'D like to pursue.
Long story short: 10+ years of marriage and 3 young children. I have been restless and unhappy and went seeking an affair. Had a brief one that was okay, nothing to write home about. Thought about another, when H found out.
I hate that I hurt him, but there are reasons I did this, some I understand, some I don't. And we are going to seek counseling and all of that, but I don't know that I want to be married any more. It's a good marriage, by most accounts. We see eye to eye on most things, we are friends, and there is no lack of attention or affection from him. I just don't want it any more and I don't know why. I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again. Sounds like you are chasing the fantasy of new love. I can not last in the fashion you appear to describe. It is an illusion and you will be left wanting each and every time you enter a relationship. You need significant counseling to understand yourself and your choices. Probably best to let your husband go and find someone worthy of his love
And I hate living up to someone else's expectations all the time, whether they are real or perceived. I will always have to be accountable to my children, but I no longer want to be accountable to any other adults besides myself. I want to run my household my way, and just BE ALONE!!! Adults have responsibilities and obligations and they benefit from companionship, commitment and connections. Sorry you haven't grown up. Good luck
So many stupid little things about him bug me and I know full well it's me, not him. I know that. He hasn't changed, but I have. A lot. My views and ideals have changed immensely and what I think I want from my life has changed a lot. I don't want the trappings of a house and material goods. It all seems so damn overwhelming all the time.
We will give this a try, we will see if we can make it work. But I just don't know....
You know, sometimes change is a good thing and sometimes it is not. BUt, if you have changed so much, I again wonder why you shouldn't just leave and let you husband find someone to love who is capable of a loving mature relationship.......
Silly me, and here I thought that this was a support board!
Deciding that I am not happy in my marriage and choosing to leave it (if I do indeed do that), is not cowardly. Is it any more brave to stay in a marriage in which I am unhappy and bring us both down? I'd say that leaving it, and giving us both a fighting chance at happiness again, would be less cowardly. But I still can't be absolutely sure that's what I want to do.
I was opening up, saying what I really feel and want right now. But that is exactly why we are going to counseling...because I am not stupid and not willing to throw everything away without fully exploring the alternatives. I owe it to him, to myself and to my children, to make every effort to make a go of it, and that's what I intend to do.
We cannot help our feelings, they are what they are. I know we need help (and I will say, he is not blameless in this marriage. Things like this don't happen in a vacuum. He's been good, but he has his issues too). That's what we are seeking. I would say my husband appears to be more understanding than anyone on this board so far. Well, Toffer actually said it best, although I don't believe I am a love-junkie. Not yet, although I do see the potential risk. What I really think is that I do want to be alone, and if I were to get out of this marriage, I wouldn't be seeking any long term relationship any time soon. I simply cannot fathom wanting to be married again ever.
But yes, my husband actually appears to understand all of this better than anyone who has replied thus far. He told me I need my support network just as much as he needs his. I thought this might be the place...not so sure now.
In my opinion, for the "grass is greener" crowd then there is always some greener grass somewhere. The problem is that grass is only greener until you're standing on it. Then, because you neglect it that patch of grass withers and turns brown and you start looking at some other patch of greenery. In the end, down that path is temporary happiness. The only way to get to "happily ever after" is to be wiling to tend your own lawn.
I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again.
That's completely understandable. I thrive on "heart-pounding desire". The two obvious questions to me are:
- Why can't you generate that in your current relationship?
- What makes you think you'll be able to generate it in your next one?
Having affair(s) was a fun way for you to avoid all of your problems. You don't like your life, so you want to create a second pretend life where no one criticizes you, you're always getting compliments, and no one has to fight over whose turn it is to clean up the vomit when the kids get sick.
You can get a divorce, but your core problem is going to follow you wherever you go: you imagine that somewhere around the corner there's an existence that's fabulously better than your own. Maybe if you run fast enough away from your problems, eventually you'll catch it. Just fill your husband in on your plans first, so that he can make fully informed choices about what dreams HE'D like to pursue.
He is currently fully informed. And no, I don't actually believe that there is some fabulous existence waiting for me. I have envisioned EXACTLY what it would be like to separate and I know how hard it would be to split finances and time with the kids.
I've seen my own parents go through it and it actually turns out it was the best thing for all parties involved. Funny, marriage isn't always the answer...
Your husband understands his marriage is in trouble and naturally he wants to fix it.
We don't owe you anything, we're not in the relationship with you. That's why you came here, because it's good to hear what you sound like from someone who's NOT invested in what you have.
You sound like a very selfish person. And no, it's not cowardly to walk away and give someone the freedom of finding someone who wants what they want, but that's not what you're doing. 2 affairs (one done and one on the back burner) is a cowards way of dealing with their inner demons. I'm not sugar coating that for you so you can feel all warm and fuzzy, it's a crappy thing to do to your family.
In my opinion, for the "grass is greener" crowd then there is always some greener grass somewhere. The problem is that grass is only greener until you're standing on it. Then, because you neglect it that patch of grass withers and turns brown and you start looking at some other patch of greenery. In the end, down that path is temporary happiness. The only way to get to "happily ever after" is to be wiling to tend your own lawn.
I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again.
That's completely understandable. I thrive on "heart-pounding desire". The two obvious questions to me are:
- Why can't you generate that in your current relationship?
- What makes you think you'll be able to generate it in your next one?
~Jeff
So far, the best comment I've read. Less judgement, more objectivity.
Yes, why can't I generate that in my current relationship? Trying...have tried for years. This is why we are going to start professional help. Have an appointment for 2 weeks out and looking forward to it.
This is a support board, but you'll find that it's one that supports marriage. There is pretty much zero support around here for having an affair "and thinking about having another one."
You were inches away from being a serial cheater. You basically wanted your cake and to eat it too--financial stability, a babysitter for the kids while you had your kicks, and fun on the side.
That's great if you are owning up to your problems, especially via counseling, and are willing to admit that having affair(s) was as selfish and immature as it gets.
Are you in individual counseling? or just marriage counseling?
You may want to ask to have your thread moved to the "Considering Divorce or Separation" forum; PM a mod.
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I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad 
Wow. You've read my mind.
